Title: Starting Again
Author: Sarah
Fandom/movie: Go
Pairing: Adam(Scott Wolf)/Zack(Jay Mohr)
Rating: NC-17 m/m sex, mild violence, talk of drug use
Status: NEW, Complete 7/17/2000
Series/Sequel: No
Spoilers: for the entire movie
Summary: Zack replays the events of Christmas Eve over in his mind while laying in bed..oh you'll see.
Background Notes: For anyone who hasn't seen Go, Adam and Zack play gay lovers(and actors) going through a bit of a rough patch. Oh just the usual stuff, both cheating on the other with the same man, having to be snitches and bust someone for drugs to clear their own drug charges w/ a wacko who is trying to pick them up. Nearly killing a girl they hit with a car as well as getting back at the guy they cheated with. This story has Zack telling their tale from what happens after the movie ends(fanon) to what happens during it(canon).
Some dialogue is taken right from the movie, no copyright infringement intended.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Don't let it go away
This feeling has got
to stay. Don't let it
Go away. This feeling
Has got to stay
And I can't believe I
Have this chance now
Don't let it go away~No Doubt
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Beside me lays Adam.
Nothing unusual there.
Except for the first time in months he's wrapped around me rather than at the opposite side of the bed. Holding him against me feels so damn good. I really don't know what was going through my mind by cheating on him, not to mention going this long without being with him. No, it hasn't been *months*. Weeks at least, though. We'd come home from a long day, eat dinner, fuck, then turn on our sides away from one another and sleep. And that's all it was lately.
Fucking.
A means to an end. Not lovemaking or caressing in the afterglow like we just did. And I'm making a vow right now to never go without it again for so long. I'm going to love him every chance I get. And from his reaction tonight, I'd say that the feeling's mutual.
Tonight...what a goddamned hellish night..
And yet, I think somehow the events of the evening have brought us more closer. Brought us back together again.
It all starting with..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Adam having his wire put on in the bathroom of the police department. We had to be snitches basically in order to get our drug charges dropped. Burke, our supervisor, fucking wacko, was checking out Adam while he was shirtless and it was all I could do to keep from punching his lights out.
Then, while in the car waiting for Adam to return, the fuckin asshole started flirting with *me*. Asked me what my girlfriend looked like. Naturally, I gave Adam's description. He asked if "she" was hot. Hell yeah. And if "she" was faithful to which I said 'I don't think so.' Then Burke asked if *I* was faithful and..I don't know..my heart started pounding cause the guilt was flooding back. Sure I only did it cause I thought he was but..
So I said 'not anymore, no.' As if that was supposed to justify it?
We started to drive and then suddenly the asshole announces to the whole care that my "girlfriend" is fucking around on me..
..with said "girlfriend" right next to me.
I wanted a gun so I could shoot Burke, then myself.
So I tried to blow it off, saying it was no big deal, but they insisted on hearing it. Then *Adam* says 'tell us!'. I really wanted to die then. Only I wasn't sure if wanted to kill him or me.
So, I told. "I found socks." I admit that sounded pathetic..so I elaborated. "You know socks that have elastic around the ankle to keep from stretching out? All my socks have that. One day I went into the drawer and there was a pair that didn't." I purposely avoided looking at Adam.
Then out of nowhere..
"But you've been fucking around, too," came from Adam. I looked at him then, surprised.
"Only after I found out," I said firmly.
He had this look on his face like 'yeah whatever'. It got dropped then thankfully..until we got to the grocery store where we were supposed to find the guy we had to be bust and hit him up for drugs. I remember whole conversation.
"So, Zack, do you know who your girlfriend's fucking?"
"No, Adam, I do not. Although I have suspicions..mostly ex-boyfriends who keep calling."
"What a coincidence," he said, feigning amazement. "I have the exact problem with my girlfriend."
At that point I was cursing that god damned wire he was wearing that forced us to keep up the "girlfriend" pretense. I looked at him, trying to keep from fuming. "Isn't it ironic?"
"Don't ya think?"
That's my Adam, always the witty one.
"Maybe I should start checking for socks too," he continued, then let it drop, again.
The damn British guy wasn't there, so we talked to this girl Ronna that would "see what she could do". Burke was convinced she was good enough to bust so we headed off.
At the house before she arrived I was feeling all kinds of wrong about busting this girl. She certainly didn't look like "a crack whore" like Burke said. So, when she asked for the bathroom, I said "Let me show you" and mouthed 'Go' to her.
After she was gone the fucking asshole cuffed me and slammed me against the wall(I still don't know why); asshole started to feel me up too. When he said "I have a proposition for you two," I looked at Adam, horrified. Then it turned out he was *married*! And wanted us to have dinner with them.
//Could this night get any stranger?//
I'd soon know the answer to that.
So we got to the house. I washed up in the bathroom, left, and suddenly I was walking in on a very naked Burke and he just stood there shamelessly, wanting me to smell his cologne. Then he pushed me down on the bed wanting me to 'feel the sheets'.
//I am in the freaking Twilight Zone.//
At dinner, I was so jumpy; made Adam pass on more wine. I wanted to get out of there and didn't want to do that with either of us drunk. I said we had to leave soon and made up a story that Adam wasn't feeling well. Whatever just get me out of here, I'd thought. When he confirmed that, I let myself get lost in the moment looking at him. He could look so damn innocent at times. Not to mention gorgeous.
The jerk then started in on how everything in there house was from Confederated Products, this wholesale company they own( making it out to sound like some damn cult) and said "Even that cologne you liked." Adam looked me questionably and I tried to reassure him by shaking my head.
I said to Burke, "You want us to sell Amway?" And he went on about how it's "different" it's "Confederated Products" and all this shit.
Get me OUTTA HERE!, I thought for the tenth time.
Finally, Adam and I left the house.
Alone.
Finally.
"I have to do something terrifically unwholesome after that. I need to bathe in sin."
"With me? Or one of your other boyfriends?" He asked bitterly with the underlying tone of hurt.
We got to a liquor store and I figured 'It's time to set the record straight.' "Ok, I have cheated on you with exactly one guy."
"Ditto."
"Who?" I asked, genuinely curious. He looked at me and we laughed together. For the first time in a long time.
"No, I won't tell you because you'll freak out and it'll be drama."
Damn, the way he said that made me want to devour him, I don't know why. Perhaps it was the hand movements.
"Bad, not funny Roseanne kind of drama and I'm just not up for it," he continued.
I wasn't giving up so easily though.
"I'll tell you mine," I said while online.
"No."
"Why not?"
He turned to look at me, "You can't wait to tell me, can you? You're gloating. You think mine is better than yours."
//God, he can be so melodramatic.//
"No, I don't."
"It's Sean Connery, isn't it?"
//Jesus!//
"Count of three," I said.
"Fine"
"One"
"Wait. wait!" He said putting his finger at me.
//Damn he's cute.//
"..Two.."
"Okay fine. Count of three."
"One"
"Two"
"Three"
"Jimmy-"
"Jimmy in makeup", we said simultaneously.
"Jimmy?" we each asked, undeniably shocked.
Fucking little prick screwing both of us all along, while knowing we were together.
So...we showed up at Jimmy's house. Adam was all smiles for some reason. I was still processing it I guess cause my face was passive.
The girl that answered the door was a total twit. I just stared at her blankly as she said "He's not here...he went to this..thing...I'll go get it..you know, don't you?"
"We know," I said grinding my teeth.
She started laughing, swaying how one time we missed each other boy three minutes and how *exciting* it was. After she walked away we both looked each other like we'd just seen an alien with ten heads. She came back and we found out he was at that rave we'd heard about earlier..so we headed out there with one thing on our minds.
Revenge.
Waiting outside to get in, I started talking. "I gotta say, the thing about Jimmy was the sex wasn't even that good."
"And the ear thing?" Adam chimed in, "I have Q-Tips. That's not necessary, thank you."
"The one thing I'll give him credit for is the oral. The oral was good."
"What do you mean? He was terrible! At one point I had to stop him and correct his bad technique. I actually grabbed him by his ears and retrained him from the throat up."
"When was that?"
"I don't know, October maybe?"
//Hmm..//
"Early October he suddenly got so much better."
We headed into the rave with our plan all sorted out. We spotted Jimmy at the bar and I went up to him and kissed him. "Hey."
Adam came up from behind and pushed Jimmy's hair back. "Hi, Cowboy." I had to try so hard to keep from cracking up.
The look on his face when he saw the two of us was fucking *priceless!*
"Hi, asshole," I said and revealed a pair of scissors. We held him down and I chopped off a piece of his oh so precious hair. The guy is a walking ad for vanity.
We both laughed, then ran the hell out of there. Hey we're not stupid.
In the car we were still on a major adrenaline high. As I was teasing Adam on his driving technique, we ran into someone as we were backing up and screamed like the queens we are at the sight of blood on the windshield.
Adam started driving and I screamed 'stop'. We went up an embankment and she fell off the roof and into a ditch. There was a guy outside the window with a gun and I freaked. So I screamed at him 'Go'..and we did.
Sitting in the car at a gas station we were both lost in our own thoughts. I broke the silence first, telling Adam if she's dead, we can't do anything. If she's alive, that guy who looked like he wanted to shoot her, probably did. Then I told him how we were the only witnesses and that guy probably won't talk so..it didn't go so bad.
To which he said "A girl is dead." Adam always was the more sensitive one.
"I didn't say it went perfectly."
He looked like he was gonna cry and god I hate that, pulls at my heart. I started cleaning the windshield.
Bloody hair..eew.
Adam came back from the bathroom holding the radio wire.
"Holy shit!"
"Shh!"
I tossed it away, freaking out more now, but not trying to show it.
"They couldn't have been listening," I tried to reason.
"Hello? They could've been recording it. Everything we've said could be on tape..and they'd know we did it."
Calm, calm, I was reminding myself.
"What if we were, like, running lines or something? We could've beeen rehearsing. They know we're actors," I made it sound plausible but Adam kept shaking his head.
Ok, an idea.
"Ok, listen. Maybe no one found the girl yet."
"They will!"
"If there's no body, there's no crime."
By this point it's fucking pouring and we're trying to make room in this tiny little trunk of a car. Huh? I snapped.
"Stop! Stop it."
"What?"
"It's a Miata!"
"Well..where?"
"We'll put her in the passenger seat."
"Then where will I..?"
"You'll be in the passenger seat holding her up," I said, as if it were the most logical in the world.
We drove to the ditch and I jumped down to get her. I started carrying her, struggling, while Adam just stood there. I looked at him.
"Little help?"
I hate thinking about this part..
Ok, Adam started shaking his head, tears forming.
"I can't."
"What do you mean?"
"I can't do this. I can't do this."
"Listen."
"She's dead."
"Listen!"
"She's dead!"
"She's not dead!
"She's dead!" He was crying more. "She's dead and I hit her and I killed her, she's dead."
It hurt me, seeing him like this. And I knew I had to get him through it.
"She's not dead. She's acting dead. Listen, this is just a scene. You're just acting scared. I'm acting like I'm helping her. It's a scene. Look at the lights," I motioned around us. "Look at the camera. Watch it. Watch your blocking. Say "hi" to Molly in wardrobe."
"Hi, Molly."
"Say it. "Hi" Molly."
"Hi, Molly," He sobbed and waved.
God, I love him. That thought came out of nowhere. I mean total "forever and a day" and all that shit kind of love. I thought 'What could ever possess me to screw around on this man?' I guess it's true that it takes a crisis situation to see things more clearly. I was thinking how anything could happen. I could get caught cause of this girl, go to jail and he'll never know how much I love him.
"Craft Services are here and they're gonna make those Veggie Burgers you love. You can have as many as you want. Just help me get through the scene, Adam, that's it. Just help me get through the scene. Smell them. Smell them," I inhaled deeply. "Smell the Veggie Burgers. Can you smell them?"
"I am not delusional!"
"Then grab her fucking arms!" I said without anger.
She started to cough as we carried her and we both screamed, dropping her.
"She's not dead," he said in awe.
"No shit," I replied, finally recognizing her as that girl I helped earlier..Roma? Ronna?
"If she isn't dead then we didn't kill her. We can leave her here."
"She's almost dead. If we leave her here and she dies and we come back you still killed her."
"What do you mean *I* killed her?"
Fuck, I thought, taking hold of his arms. "Come on, I didn't mean it like that, it's not like it'd testify against you! Come on, let's just stick to Plan A."
"What? In Plan A she was dead."
I went and got the shovel from the truck, not knowing what the hell I was doing, moving on blind instinct.
"Wait..what?" Adam asked, trying comprehend everything.
I stared down at her, wondering if I could actually go through with this, thinking of the consequences. I raised the shovel over my head...
"Ok, new plan."
So, we laid her on top of a car in the parking lot, made the car alarm go off and waited for the inevitable ambulance call.
"Look," I said to Adam. "They're getting her an ambulance. She'll be fine. It's good. Good. She's gonna be fine.
"What about that guy?"
Always worrying for others, that Adam. Which is why he's so much nobler than I am. And too damned sweet.
"The guy with the gun. He could still go after her."
"Hello? Look, girl in ditch, our problem. Girl out of ditch, her problem. Sorry. Look we did the right thing."
He turns to me with that 'who are you kidding' look.
"What?" I smile, "Ok, approximately. In a half-assed thrown together bouillabaisse-y kind of way..we did the right thing."
Then he gave me this smile that could melt the hearts of twenty men, and I smiled back. My decision was clear. I'd never screw this up again. It was too good. "Right? She's fine."
He just kept smiling, making my heart leap into my throat.
"Right."
We had watched the ambulance pull away and I think we both realized at the same time 'it's over, just us now.' No Jimmy, no Burke, no blonde almost dead girl. And he hugged me so tight, as if to say "we can get through anything after this." But instead he simply said, "Let's go home."
I couldn't for the life of me read his eyes. Thinking it over now, I don't think he wanted me to, that adorable prick. Driving home we were both silent. He still looked shell shocked, but maybe he was just in deep thought. Either way, I kept my fingers running through his hair as much as I could. He must have liked it, since he didn't object. And trust me, Adam never holds back. If he doesn't like something, he'll say it.
I parked the car and we road the elevator up to our apartment, still silent. I'd let him in first and as soon as I'd turned from locking the door, his arms were around me, hugging me so tightly again and I returned it with just as much enthusiasm. That hug spoke so many unspoken words. 'I forgive you' 'I don't want to lose you' 'Don't leave me'.
He pulled back and covered my mouth with his. It immediately opened to him of course. And we kissed long and sweet and deep. It was one of those 'frantic but not' kisses. It was..romantic above all else. Somewhere in that passion induced haze I'd noticed our leather jackets had been discarded onto the floor and he was pushing me back into the bedroom while I moaned uncontrollably against his mouth. I hit the mattress at the same time he undid my pants and then I rolled on top of him, straddling his body.
I stared into his flushed, aroused face. I pulled his shirt up and off and trailed a finger down his jaw, which he captured in his mouth and licked from base to tip all while staring unblinkingly into my eyes. My breath had caught in my throughout at that sight and I thought again how fucking gorgeous he is. He sat up a little and worked on getting my shirt off while I worked on his pants. We stole kisses and laughed and teased and I couldn't remember the last time I'd had so much fun in bed. Jimmy was just a fuck. Bad one at that. I never cared about him, never brought feelings into that relationship(if you can even call it that.) Affair, screw. Yeah, those were better words. I guess I'd have to go all the way back to when Adam and I were first together and everything was so new and unexpected, like an adventure.
And suddenly I felt like that again and I think he did too. Like we were learning one another all over again. A few minutes later he had me flat on my back rid of any and all clothing. He settled his body onto mine and began sucking my neck, softly at first, then with increased passion. And all I could think of was seeing that possessive mark in the light of day.
He worked his way down to my chest where he plaid loving attention to my nipples(none of my lovers before him ever did.) He sucked and licked and pinched each one but before he could travel further down I reserved our positions and pinned him down. It was my turn then to revisit familiar territory. I took his mouth, then his neck, then chest, stomach. Tasted every piece I could get when I'd decided to stop the torture(for us both) and made it down to his erection. He was already a wreck. Eyes wide and dilated, face contorted and flushed, hands about to go numb from the white knuckled fists he was making, cock dripping with pre-ejaculate.
I gained a "god yes," when I licked all the way from the base. A "More please, more," when I sucked the head in my mouth, tasting his..
Suddenly a thought came to me though..I'll be damned if I wanted to bring this up now but..
"You used condoms with Jimmy, right?"
His lust filled eyes snapped open and looked down at me. "I-yeah. Did you?"
"Yeah. For oral sex too?"
"Yeah, you?"
"Yeah."
He nodded, "Ok.."
I grasped his hand by his side and gripped it tightly. "I'm sorry. I didn't wanna bring it up.."
He squeezed my hand. "Zack, I know. It's all right. It's good you did. I'd never put you at risk though, you know that, right?"
"Yeah. Same here."
He smiled. "So..now that's settled.." He raised his hips gently.
"Trust me, I don't need reminding," I grinned. Then ducked my head back down and suckled his balls. First left, then right. This time he sounded like a cat letting out a loud hiss. I worked my way back up to his cock and, deciding enough was enough, engulfed the whole thing.
And he screamed.
That response warmed my heart. Especially when he started sobbing my name. Not that fucking bastard's name, *my name*. It was the sweetest sound in the world to me. I looked up at his face. His eyes were squeezed shut tightly shut, mouth slightly open, panting, his breathing ragged. My hand was still holding onto his right one, and his left came up to weave itself into my hair. I started sucking him in earnest. Long, hard licks with my tongue, head bobbing up and down, ascending and descending over and over until he pulled on my scalp so hard and bucked his hips while two whispered words left his lips.
"Oh, Zack."
Whispered words said in awe and...love? Could he still love me after everything? I pondered this as I swallowed his jism. Sure, we both cheated, but still..I've always been the more difficult one in this relationship. I get pissy, angry, complain, bitch. Regular queen, that's me. Everyone has faults and I'm not like that all the time..I guess I just can't see him loving me anymore after the hell we've been through tonight. Or why he'd want to. Part of my mind was thinking this was one last roll in the hay for old times sake.
Plus..he's always been the good one with emotions. He's told me he loves me a few times..and I'd never said it back. I guess that's why he stopped saying it. I always wanted to say it. And I knew now though that I *needed* to say it. It brought me back to my earlier thought 'If something happened to me tonight, he'd never have known.'
I cleaned him gently with my tongue then crawled up his body, finding myself wrapped in his embrace. And damn if it didn't feel great. I kissed his shoulder and sighed contentedly, even though I had a boner like nobody's business. Wanting to push the melancholy thoughts from before out of my head, I tried to make light of things. "So..was that better than, Jimmy?"
He chuckled and said, "No comparison," in that warmer than honey voice that I couldn't get enough of. I could get drunk on his voice alone. Well, his voice and his kisses.
For some reason I couldn't bring myself to laugh though and he must've noticed because the next instant he'd rolled on top of me, his eyes serious.
"No more cheating, right?"
I was so shocked, I couldn't hide it. I really believed it would be over.
"Just you and me from now on?" He clarified unnecessarily. "Tell me what you want, Zack. I can't keep doing this."
"You," I said without a doubt. "I want you."
His face lit up like a kid on Christmas Day(shit, that's tomorrow, isn't?) and my heart swelled.
We kissed throughly and I pulled back, whispering against his mouth. "Didn't think you'd want me anymore."
"That's cause you're stupid," he mumbled, sucking at my lip.
I rolled him under me and studied his face. Right then I decided to stop being so fucking scared. "Tonight..with you out there in the rain..looking so afraid..all I could think about was how much I wanted wash all that fear away. I realized how fucking stupid I was to think I needed to get back at you or needed something more than you. Even with Jimmy it was only sex, and hell not even good sex, like I said. He never made me *feel* the way you do. Just looking at you I.." I broke away from his eyes and concentrated on the pillow nearby and mumbled, "Iluvyou."
"What was that?"
I sighed, looked into those crystal blue eyes..
And tossed fear out the window.
"I love you," I repeated softly.
"It's about damn time," he says, eyes smiling.
I started to protest. "I've always.."
But he cut me off. "Zack, I know. I meant it's about time you said it. I honestly thought I'd never hear it. Love you, babe. The way you pulled me together tonight..telling me it was just a scene..I said to myself then,'he has to love me.' That was by far the most caring thing anyone has ever done for me. And I think you know already but Jimmy was just sex for me also..and I was so stupid to even do it."
"I know. So was I. Let's just forget about him, ok? You're all I want. And I'm going to spend however long it takes to make this crazy night up to you."
"Oh really," he said smirking, "Sounds good to me. Why don't you start now?" He squeezed my ass and started grinding our groins together. I gasped and sucked on his neck. Then groaned as he moved away from me. I saw him lean over and then he was back, with a condom and KY. Jesus, I almost came right there. It's been so long. He was on his side, left leg swung over his right, waiting.
"Want you, Zack," I heard him whisper. That was all it took. I started peppering kisses all over his shoulder and back of his neck while my fingers slick with lube started to work their way into him. One, then two, then he was gasping and needing more. I rolled on the condom as quick as possible, added some more lube and started to press in. After about three minutes of 'hang on,' 'don't move,' and 'oh shit,' I was all the way in, managing to somehow hold back my urge to burst right there.
I molded myself to Adam's body, our hips fitting perfectly, my leg curled around the side of his body. I suckled his shoulder and began thrusting slowly, barely moving. Adam moaned loudly and pushed back against me. This slow, agonizing torture went on for at least ten minutes. Never before was I able to endure sex like this. I really was making love with him. And god it was like nothing I'd ever experienced. Not even our first time had been this sweet. In a way, I thought, this *is* our first time. First time after the fall.
I started to speed up a little while he took my hand in his. I curled my fingers around his and nuzzled his head that was now resting against the juncture of my neck and shoulder. He held my fingers so tightly I thought they'd fall off.
"Man, I missed you," he breathed. And I knew instantly he wasn't talking about my cock in him. But *me*.
Us.
"I missed you too, baby. God you're tight." I shifted a little, angling my thrusts deeper.
"So good, Zack."
I started pumping his cock with my fist, burying my face in his neck and moaning as I reached completion. He followed me over the edge a second later, cursing and moaning. I held onto him, my arms looked securely around his waist as I tried to control my breathing. He raised my hands to his lips and kissed them while I immersed myself in his smell, licking the sweet taste of his sweat from his back, my tongue running along his spinal cord. "Jesus," I moaned, never more satisfied or happy.
He actually *giggled*. I don't think I've ever heard that sound before from him.
"What?" I asked, smiling.
"Tickled," he exclaimed, childlike.
My heart was flying.
I slipped out of him slowly and tossed to condom into the trash. He turned around and lay there entangled with one another where we kissed, caressed and talked in hushed bedroom tones before drifting into sleep.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And here we are now. I awoke at some point in the night feeling too high to sleep and reliving this days events, not to mention the evening's(which gave me a hard on) with Adam's warm body curled around me. I feel a slight movement in his hips, then warm lips on my neck.
"I'd say another part of you doesn't seem to wanna sleep tonight, either."
I laughed and rocked my erection against his half hard cock. He moaned and kissed my cheek. "Ready for round three?"
I looked down then lifted my eyes back to his. "I think you already know the answer to that." And took his mouth with mine.
Sometime later when the screaming died down we lay there, watching the sun come up.
