"Well you see, this spaceship landed on the planet Dijegs." Charlie said, starting another story. "A couple of the crew members saw what looked like a little village in the distance as they were landing. When they looked out the view port they could see a little dirt road passing near their landing site and they decided it seemed to go in the direction of the village. The captain ,the navigator and the radio man decided to do a little exploring before it got dark so they crawled down the ladder and started walking down the dirt road toward the village. Soon they came to a little hut sitting in this little clearing and standing in the front yard was this beautiful girl wearing an almost transparent dress. She was standing under a tree stirring something in a great big iron kettle. Man, she was really beautiful, big tits, little bitty waist and elegant hips. Anyway, like I was saying, she had this wooden paddle and was slowly stirring when the captain walked up."
Charlie waited in a stony silence for the other men to laugh, even just a smile, but all three just looked at him with a deadpan expression.
"The atmosphere checks out at almost exactly earth norm, without the pollution," Willie announced to the other crew members, "I guess we won't have to wear the breathing equipment or carry the auxiliary oxygen tanks this trip."
A five minute walk brought them to a very earth like dirt road with wheel ruts leading through the trees. Captain LaFave and Charlie led the way in the direction of the village, with Willie and Jack bringing up the rear. They all had side arms hidden under their jackets just in case the natives was not friendly.
Captain LaFave had a very peculiar look on his face when he rejoined the other men. Willie slipped in beside him and ask "Why do you look so funny Henri? Are they monsters or something?"
"I suppose we could consider mass hypnosis." Jack said as they approached the scout ship, Tonto. He was the first one to break the silence that had accompanied them on the long walk back.
"Hello," the young woman said as she opened the door of the cabin, "ahh, y'all must be them human creatures master Rov Ver told us was gonna come today." She was pretty with long dark hair, and an almost plump well endowed body. She was also holding a tiny baby to the full white breast that was protruding from her unbuttoned dress top.
"Captain, why do you suppose ol' Rov Ver is so free with information about his race's relationship with ours after them keeping it quite for thousands of years?" Jack ask as the entered the ship again.
"'Hi,' the captain said to the girl, 'what are you doing with that kettle?' She looked up with her big brown eyes and said, "Why I'm making a baby of course, don't you know anything.'
He just stood there watching and in a couple of minutes she quit stirring and a crying sound came from the kettle. Then she bent over and lifted a little baby girl out of the kettle.
'Well I'll be damned,' the captain said, 'I never saw nothing like that. We sure don't make babies that way where I come from.'
'Oh,' the girl ask, 'how do y'all do it?' 'Well, if you'll just slip your dress off, I'll be glad to show you.' He quickly answered."
"Well sir, she slipped that dress off and laid the baby on it. Then the captain dropped his pants, laid her down right there in the front yard and showed her exactly how earth people make babies. After a little while he got up and started pulling his pants back on and the girl sat up and looked all around.
'Where is the baby?' She ask.
'Why it takes us nine months to make a baby that way.' She looked puzzled for a minute and said, 'Well you just pull them pants back off and keep stirring. You still got an awful long time to go.'
"OK, don't laugh, I don't care and, you know why I don't care? Because I know y'all are laughing so hard inside, you can't hardly keep a straight face, that's why." Charlie was from deep east Texas and still sounded like it. He was still tow headed, weighed 190 pounds and was 5 ft. 9 in. tall.
He was a little heavy for a space exploration mission, but exceptions were made for trained scientists if their skills were needed bad enough. He was officially the cargo specialist and supply officer of the U.S.S. Tonto. But, after the Tonto landed he would be the combination geologist and biologist. The Tonto was one of the United Space Service's scout ships.
"Damn, Charlie," Willie said, "my grandpa told me that joke when I was a little kid, he said he read it in an old science fiction magazine when he was a teenager in the 1930's. It's getting to deep in here for me boys. I am going back to number 2 storage bay and check out the equipment before we land." Red headed Willie Gordon was the Second Officer.
"I guess I better get up front to check our position. The computers should put us in the landing orbit in about 8 hours." Captain LaFave said, as he grabbed a handhold and floated out of the combination galley, dining room, library, gym, and recreation room. Henri LaFave had crew cut black hair and was the tallest member of the crew at 5 ft. 10 in. tall. he also looked the skinniest at only 150 pounds. He still had a slight southern accent, but no longer sounded cajun unless he got very excited.
"Hey wait for me," Jack Walters, called as he followed the captain out. I have to check the communications equipment." Jack was the communications and electronic officer.
"Ha, ha, get back to stirring. I almost didn't hold it in that time," Jack said as he slid into the control room.
"For goodness sake, don't let him see you laugh. If we laugh he won't try half as hard. Then what would we do for entertainment."
"Yeah, I don't know if its ol' Charlie's jokes or our not laughing at them, just to harass him, that has made this voyage so much easier then usual.
"Say Charlie, I hate to ask this, but did you notice the sun reflecting off something that looked like buildings as we were landing?" Jack ask as Charlie, not yet adopted to the planet's gravity, wobbled under into the control room a few minutes later.
"I sure did and yes I know, it looked kinda like it may be a village. If it is and there is a girl stirring a pot in a front yard, I get to teach her earth ways. It's timesomebody other then captains get something good for a change."
"If there is a girl stirring, she's all yours Charlie, but just remember you'll have to keep stirring for nine months and the rest of us will be leaving in 7 days."
The captain laughed as he flipped switches off, shutting down the unneeded circuits and systems. "How are you coming along with the equipment, Willie?" He ask on the intercom.
"Everything is ready to go down here, Captain. We can secure the craft and begin our physical investigation of this section of the planet anytime you guys are ready."
"OK men," the captain said, "I guess it's time to do a little exploring."
"I wonder how close these natives are to being physically built like humans?" Charlie wondered aloud. "All these trees look just like oak trees on earth. Hell, there's even some acorns in the grass.
"Quiet down, I can see a building through those trees," the captain said as he motioned for the men to stop and move into the trees. "I'm going to do a little scouting. You men stay here."
"No, actually as near as I could tell, looking from the trees they appear to be exactly like us, at least externally. The house and out buildings are made of logs. It seems to be a farm and it looks almost exactly like a scene from the United States back in the 1700 or 1800 hundreds. I saw a man walking, from what has to be a barn, to the house and there was a woman in a calico dress out in the yard."
"Well, what was she doing," Charlie ask with a grin, "stirring a big iron pot?"
Henri's face and neck turned red and he paused before he answered, "Actually Charlie, that's exactly what she was doing."
"Hot dog, just remember I get to show her how we make babies on earth." Charlie laughed.
"Aw, come on captain," Jack began, "that joke might get Charlie going, but you don't expect me to believe that kinda bull shit."
"No bull shit, she was stirring in a big black wash pot with a small fire under it. Now, I want you guys to follow close behind me, but be real quiet." The captain said as he started moving silently through the trees toward the cabin.
"Well I'll be damned." Jack exclaimed as they reached the edge of the trees where the plowed field started.
"Shhh, keep still," captain LaFave whispered, "I saw an animal like a big dog go behind the barn when I was here earlier. We sure don't want a dog barking and warning the people before we scout around a little to be sure of what we're getting into."
"You don't have to worry, I won't tell them anything yet." The low pitched voice behind him said.
"I said to keep it quiet," the captain said in an irritated voice, "why can't you guys follow orders when I talk nice?"
"I said I won't give you away to the people on the farm, what more do you want?" The voice responded.
"Dammit," LaFave said, "quit poking me in the back and shut up back there."
"Captain... I think you had better turn around and look this way a minute." Jack said in a course whisper.
"Shit. . . it's the dog." the captain said after he turned around. Then looking closer he added, "It's a damn Rottweiler.
"I beg your pardon sir, I am not a damn Rottweiler as you so crudely put it. I am a citizen of the planet Kayninn of Sirius in the constellation Canis Major and my name is Rov Ver. I can understand you mistaking me for a dog however, since we are almost identical in appearance to the earth animals called dogs."
"It can really talk and. . . and in english." Jack said to no one in particular.
"Of course I can talk." Rov Ver said in a disgusted voice. "Why is it that you egotistical humans think you are the only intelligent race in the universe?"
"Please accept my apologies if we have insulted you," the captain said immediately, "it was definitely unintentional. Even though dogs on earth are very intelligent animals, they can't talk, so naturally we were startled to hear you speak. By the way, you are speaking english and you seem to know an awful lot about Earth for a citizen of Key... Kai..."
"Kayninn is the word you are looking for. Many of our people live on Earth and many of us visit for a year or two. Kayninn, Earth and Ppettland, as we call this planet, are three of the few worlds that have optimum conditions for carbon based life to live and thrive."
"Actually I really wasn't upset when you called me a Rottweiler awhile ago, since that's what we're called on Earth." Rov Ver turned around twice, then lay down with one front leg crossed over the other one and continued.
"You see, there is no such thing as a breed of dogs called Rottweilers. All members of the group of beings that humans call Rottweilers are not dogs, but actually citizens of the planet Kayninn."
"On the earth, even though we are aliens, we do easily pass unnoticed because we are physically so close to earth dogs. Actually we can even interbreed with them, although it is in extremely poor taste. It would be about as inviting for us as it would be for you humans to mate with patients at the state mental hospitals."
"Bull shit," Jack interrupted, "I had a Rottweiler when I was a kid. He couldn't talk and he screwed every female dog in the neighborhood. Explain that one."
"Of course he didn't talk," Rov Ver said as sat back up on his haunches. He almost seemed to smile at Jack as he continued, "we would die before we would let humans know we can talk and possible jeopardize our spy system. And yes, it's known that some of young males let their hormones take over and have sex with real dogs, but it isn't something that we would discuss in polite company. Come to think of it, you humans must agree with us, I've heard a few humans say that their dates were real dogs."
Jack grinned in spite of himself and was positive that Rov Ver had even smiled at his own joke that time.
"What did you mean by the term, 'spy system'?" The captain ask.
Well actually," Rov Ver started as he got up and started walking around, sniffing the crew's pants legs, "spy system is a misnomer. It isn't that we really spy on humans. We are. . . actually it would be more correct to say that we are scientific observers of Earth and it's people. We like to live as close as we can to observe the citizens. What better cover could we use on earth then to let ourselves be thought of as man's best friends, dogs. We never interfere with human affairs. We are only there we keep track of your progress and sometime we discover an invention or idea we want to want to copy for use on our own world."
"Actually, I lived in Clear Lake near Houston, Texas, for a couple of years myself." Rov Ver continued as he walked over to a nearby tree and raised his hind leg to pee. "My human worked at NASA and I that gave me free run of the place. I mean who would suspect the boss' pet dog of stealing secrets."
"OK, that explains how you know english, but if your race is so high on the intelligence scale why do you need to copy human inventions and ideas?"
"The truth is that we think on different levels. We Kayninns obviously don't have an opposing thumb like humans so we can't use tools no matter how intelligent we are and we don't think in terms of physical achievements." He paused a moment to sniff the tree then added. "But, we learned thousands of years ago to integrate the Ppetts into our culture to do the manual work. They are the other ah. . . race on our planet. I hesitate to use the term, intelligent race, even though they can talk and can follow instructions pretty good if they are supervised closely. Anyway, we have trained the Ppetts do the manual work required to run a civilization and we operate the governmental functions and judicial system.
"You have a good story Rov Ver, but Rottweilers have been bred on earth for years and are exactly like all other dogs. Why should I believe you?" Captain LaFave ask.
Rov Ver slowly eased over and begin pressing his body against LaFave's leg as he talked. "Men only think that they breed Rottweilers. Actually it is our duty to reproduce ourselves at any opportunity and we usually do. Besides if you were normally isolated from females of your race, wouldn't you have sex with one at every opportunity? Besides if we don't agree with the human's choice of a mate, we just fake an orgasm. Surely you've noticed that mating Rottweilers does not always result in offspring."
"OK, but just out of curiosity, do you Kayninns have any traits that would prove they are really different from earth dogs?" Randell ask as he moved back a step away from Rov Ver's body.
Little by little, Rov Ver eased back up against the captain's leg and began pushing as he continued talking, "What do you really know about Rottweilers?" He ask as
LaFave stepped back a little, not noticing as Rov Ver moved closer again and continued pushing.
"I know all Rottweilers are lazy like you and lean against people a lot." He said slightly irritated as he moved back a few inches again.
"You just proved our difference. Pushing is almost a ritual greeting by Rottweilers when they approach a human. It's almost like humans shaking hands when they meet. But, you humans never realize that by making a human retreat against his will, without causing retaliation, we are continually proving our superiority over each human we meet. Retreating is a sign of submission. Stop and think, all of you, can you think of any breed of dog that always forces humans into submission?
There was a long pause until Charlie's face lighted up and he said, "You know, he's right Captain, I had a Rottweiler when I was in high school. That son of a gun wore slick places on my pants legs from pushing."
"I didn't have one," said Jack in a strange faraway type voice, "but Jim, my neighbor back on earth does. His dog was a pusher too. That son of a gun was always leaning against my leg when I was standing up. You know, since I think of it, ol' Jim and I used to sit around in his back yard drinking beer and I'd tell him about our experiences in the space. You know, that damn dog would sit right in front of me and listen to every word I said, even closer then Jim did."
"Now you know." Rov Ver said. "Every time you feel that push from a Rottweiler from now on you'll know it's a Kayninn showing you who's boss and not a dog."
"Excuse me Rov Ver, but it's getting pretty late and we have had a long day. If you don't mind, maybe we should continue this conversion tomorrow. We are all pretty tired and you have given us a whole lot to think about."
"Wouldn't you like to spend the night as our guest in the cabin, I know it's been a long time since you saw a real bed."
"Thanks, but we still have some duties that have to be done every day, maybe one night in the next few days."
"OK, shall I come to the ship to visit with you all in the morning and we can continue our conversation or if you'd rather, you can visit me in my cabin. The Ppetts will be doing their chores and won't bother us."
"If you don't mind we would like to visit you and get out of the ship as much as we can while we can."
"No what we saw and heard is real." Captain LaFave said as they entered the cargo door. "I didn't say anything in front of Rov Ver, but did you notice the little nick in his right ear and scar on the right side of his nose. I'm positive he's the dog I saw at NASA a couple of times. I used to watch him when he came in the control room with the chief. I used to think it was funny then. He would trot up to someone at a control desk and rear up on the edge of the desk. The technician would rub his head and say something like, 'What's the matter boy, do you want to learn how to launch a rocket?' then the dog would whine and nuzzle his hand and the technician would start explaining what he was doing like the damn dog was a visiting head of state.
By the time the crew finished eating it had been dark outside for a couple of hours so Charlie stretched and said, "I think I'll sleep on it and be fresh in the morning.
"Come on in. Just set down anywhere," she said with a sweeping gesture of her free hand taking in the large living room. It had a huge field stone fireplace and soft cushioned furniture. "I'll fetch master Rov Ver for y'all."
"Thank you Mrs. . . ah, what did you say your name is?" The captain ask.
"Oh, I'm sorry, my name is Suszie," she said as she lay the baby in the rough handmade cradle, "and you are Captain LaFave, Charlie, Jack and Willie," she said pointing at each one in turn, "master Rov Ver described y'all to me and Jaboo and Rowene last night. That's Rowene, she's my sister," she said, pointing at the trim blue eyed blond who giggled and slipped out the back door.
Suszie walked to the back door and opened it, "Master Rov Ver, them fellers is here." she called toward the barn. Then she came back and smiled at them as she sat on a chair with her bare breast still protruding from the open dress front.
"Did you fellers have a nice trip?"
"Suszie, did you forget about your breast?" Rov Ver ask quietly as he padded softly into the room.
"Oh I did, I'm so sorry master Rov Ver sometime I forget my manners. Would any of you fellers care for some milk? The baby is still real small and I have plenty." She ask holding her breast up toward them.
"No Suszie, I forgot to tell you, but human etiquette requires that females keep their breasts covered."
"Well that sure don't make no sense, how do they feed their babies with their breasts covered?" She ask, more to herself as she shoved her breast back in the dress. Then she picked up the baby and opened the back door and went out mumbling. "Sounds awful stupid to me."
Willie noticed that Rowene was peeking through the open door staring directly at him when Suszie went out. He knew she was looking at him because he was the only one in line with the door. He smiled back when she giggled and waved her fingers at him
"Remember I told you yesterday that they weren't a particularly intelligent race." Rov Ver said. "Friendly, affectionate, generous, and extremely loyal but not very intelligent. Come to thing of it, sounds like I'm talking about one of your earth pet dogs doesn't it?"
"Excuse me Rov Ver, if you don't mind me asking a question," Charlie ask, "what was Suszie doing yesterday with that big kettle?"
"Yesterday. . . Oh, she was boiling the baby's diapers clean. Why? What did you think she was doing, making a baby, like the old joke?"
Willie and Jack both laughed out loud but the captain only grinned as Charlie's face and neck turned red. "I. . . ah, thought maybe she was making maple syrup or something. It's been a long time since I had any. Maple syrup that is." Charlie said.
"No that won't happen until winter, just like on earth. But, in case you're interested, the Ppetts do not form romantic attachments with each other. They enjoy sex very much and when they feel the urge they enjoy it with whoever is available at the time. They don't even conceive the idea of proper mate selection for racial improvement."
"Actually, come to think of it Charlie, I have about six female Ppetts of child bearing age that operate a small grist mill a few miles down the road. Maybe I could convince you to mate with them while you are here. A modern earth man's genes should greatly improve the Ppett's stock."
"Is genetic engineering one of the Kayninns interests?" Captain LaFave ask, then turned at the sound of the back door opening.
"Scuse me master Rov Ver," Jaboo said with his head stuck in the door, "we've finished this morning's assignment. I'll go help the crew that's building those 4 new cabins if that's OK?"
"Very good Jaboo, you can join them after you eat. Suszie left a lunch for you on the kitchen table." Rov Ver said. "Now, to answer your question captain. The Kayninns are interested is in selective breeding rather then in genetic engineering."
"Actually our race's interest in breeding begin when we introduced a few thousand Ppetts to your earth about the time the glaciers started retreating during the last ice age. After they mated with the native neanderthals beings the resulting hybrid offspring produced the first modern Homo Sapiens. The neanderthals had developed a high degree of intelligence while fighting for survival in such a hostile environment. When the civilized traits of the Ppetts were combined with the intelligence and survival strengths of the neanderthals, the results are the new race you are today."
"Our anthropologists were always at a loss to explain the sudden appearance of the new cro magnon type man."
"They are also at a loss to understand why domestic dogs are so loyal to humans." Rov Ver added. "We crossbred some of the native wolves with Kayninn genes, using artificial insemination of course. Most of the first crosses were able to talk to some degree and a bond of affection and cooperation quickly grew between them and the new men. However, after a few hundred years or so, the Kayninn genes were diluted enough that dogs finally lost their ability to talk and it was forgotten long before the first recorded history, but by then the bonds between man and dog were permanent."
"When we get back to earth, we'll see that the scientists explore in different directions so you Kayninns can get all the credit you deserve." Captain LaFave said.
"Actually captain I was hoping I could convince the four of you to stay here with us. You have no idea how valuable you and your men could be helping us govern this planet and helping supervise the factories and scientific lavatories that we Kayninns operate here. You would find it a very challenging and rewarding life."
"I don't think it would work. No offense, but it would be very difficult to overcome inter-species prejudice after all these centuries. It would be nearly impossible to think of someone who looks like our pets as superior beings. Besides, we have a duty to report our findings back to earth." The captain answered.
"I was almost positive that would be your answer captain and I can really understand your feelings of prejudice. It took a long time before I stopped wanting to pee on my humans leg every time he treated me like an ordinary dog. But, the choice is yours gentlemen. Now, I hate to be rude, but I have other duties to attend to. If you change your minds, Suszie will assist you. And, if you need anything and she will relay any messages to me."
"I would guess that this flight has proved that we humans have finally advanced enough to be considered his equals and they want to take the credit."
"I don't know captain, somehow I not only don't feel superior anymore, in fact I'm not even sure about equal."
"Don't worry, after we get back home, your thinking will straighten out again." The captain answered.
"I guess so captain, but somehow I kinda think life here may have been very pleasant," Willie said, "that Rowene sure is a cute little thing."
"Straighten up Willie, you can't let your glands rule your. . . That dirty dog son of a bitch," Captain LaFave exclaimed as they entered the Tonto's control room, "they've dismantled the entire control panel and communication systems. All of the electronic equipment is gone. How the hell did they get in here, it's impossible?"
"Not for Rov Ver," Jack answered thoughtfully, "remember, he lived at NASA for a couple of years. He probably knows twice as much about this ship as all of us put together."
"Well Charlie, are you ready to start stirring?" Willie ask as he collapsed in the seat here his communications console had been. After a few minutes he raised his head, smiled and added, "You know, that Rowene really is a sweet looking girl."
