One of the greatest comforts in life is knowing that love never goes away. Once you care about someone that much, you always will. Yet, that's also one of the greatest distresses in life...

I've written about him before in the thought In Memory of... 'Breathe'. I didn't plan to fall for him and I didn't want to, but I never do. I didn't want to fall for Joey, but I didn't know that it would work out. It all happened so fast. I was hooked from Breathe's first words and didn't even know it. He was happy and excited all the time. He was filled with joy and laughter. I was so boring, but I wanted to be like him so I mimicked him. I did feel joy and that's what made me desperately try to hold onto things in the end...

He used the word "love" wildly and recklessly, but it was him using it toward me that had me hooked. You see, he said he loved "everything and everyone." He was "a part of everything and everyone." Had I not been so blind, I would have seen it coming a mile away. He was going away for a week and when he returned he was going to have something to say to me and I was going to have something to say to him. I was going to finally say those three little words. I had been hurt for using them before and I wasn't about to be as reckless as then, or so I thought...

I listened to music, went outside, and tried to keep that upbeat spirit that I always felt when I felt near him. Then the day came and he returned. That day is the day I regret the most. You see, if I had only let him go first, then things probably would have ended much easier. Because I said what I did that day, he never said what he was going to say. He said that he needed time to think. After a while of begging him to talk with me, he finally told me what he had planned to say that day. You see, he loved everyone and he couldn't love me the way I needed someone to love me, not the way I loved him. He needed to be free "to fly from flower to flower," as he put it. He knew I needed something different entirely and, if I had let him go first that day and heard all that beforehand, not even I would have been stupid or blind enough to say anything more. Because of me, we couldn't even be friends anymore. Things had changed and I don't blame him for hurting me. I'm not that naive. I know that I hurt him far deeper than he ever let on. In fact, it was hurting him that first brought the wrath of an over controlling man against me and my site, but that's another thought...

He all but stopped talking to me and I eventually gave up and stopped pestering him. He was patient with me, and I know how hard that is for people when it comes to me. We lost contact and I didn't hear until recently that not long after our parting he took up swearing and lost his virginity to a girl at a party. Strangely, even now, that last part hurts the most. I suppose it's like Joey and the freshman he fell for one year. Joey didn't want the boy to sleep with a girl. It's selfishness, I suppose. Breathe used to be--or at least claimed and seemed to be--a Christian with such morals and so much joy and feeling. What I fear is that I changed him because of what I put him through. He did care about me deeply, but, because of me, he cared too deeply and was hurt for it. When I did finally give up on trying to get him to love me back was when I wrote to him, saying "but doesn't love last forever" and he replied, "Then I guess maybe I never loved you." ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...