Choosing Your Attractions
(written July 28th, 2005)

A recent study concluded that people are either “gay, straight, or lying,” presenting the rather absurd view that bisexuality is a myth. Naturally, this study was heavily criticized for its flawed methodology. After all, most people are bisexual to some degree. In fact, there are many people who are split right down the middle. Yet, not all of these people think of themselves as bisexual. Many think of themselves as heterosexual. You see, for me, my physical attractions and my emotional attractions are both for males. I’m physically attracted to teen males and emotionally attracted to younger boys or males in general. Joey, on the other hand, is physically attracted to teen girls, but emotionally attracted to boys. That’s why he could never have a lasting relationship with a female. Unfortunately, this is true for many married men, who “choose” to be heterosexual though they are attracted equally to both genders. You see, just as with people, equal doesn’t necessarily mean the same.

For example, a man might marry a woman who he is emotionally attracted to, but still be physically attracted to other males (typically older teen males), so, while he will feel emotionally fulfilled, he may experience sexual frustration and may seek an outlet, perhaps in images such as pornography. Many times the reverse is true and the man will consider himself heterosexual because he is strongly sexually attracted to females. So, he marries a woman and typically has children. However, if he is emotionally attracted to males and not females, simply looking at erotic male images won’t work as it might for the previous man. He will desire a genuine relationship with another male. Unfortunately, once married and a parent, matters are a bit too complicated for me to give much advice. It would be ideal (though obviously rarely possible) to analyze your attractions and feelings carefully before committing to a long-term relationship. I can tell you though that, as you might have figured out based on our age of attractions, Joey and I are no longer physically attracted to each other. However, we are still emotionally attached to each other and still love each other. If our attractions were purely superficial and physical and not emotional, I very much doubt that we’d still be together after this long.

You can’t choose your attractions, but you can choose what you focus on. Everyone’s attractions are at least slightly different, so you must explore your own. If you’re like me and emotionally and physically attracted to males, then you shouldn’t have too many problems as long as you end up with a male. However, just as there are many people who are emotionally attracted to one gender and physically to the other, there are people who are emotionally and physically attracted to both. That of course makes a monogamous relationship difficult. After all, I know from experience that humans have a seemingly unlimited amount of love and you can very easily love to people equally passionately, though in different ways. And we all know that physical or sexual attractions are rarely ever limited to one person. This of course spells trouble if someone wants to fulfill both of his gender attractions, especially since humans are notoriously jealous. Yet, just when you think bisexuals have all the relationship problems, there are many people who are attracted to one gender physically and none emotionally. They often will be physically “intimate” with people, but leave a trail of broken hearts because it was never really emotionally intimate to them. The best advice I could give for those people is to use images as best as you can. I used to be against pornography, but I believe that it’s important to have a safe alternative to otherwise potentially risky sexual behavior. And, if you must, then find someone else just like you—or rather, people like you. It is also possible that you may simply have yet to find someone who you can love. Everyone’s different. Some people love so easily and are therefore hurt often. Others may not have that problem, but may end up alone. You have to work within the body you’ve been given. Be honest with yourself about your attractions and feelings. You can’t choose your attractions, but you can learn to understand and accept them. Only then can you truly be happy because only once you understand your desires will you know what will fulfill those desires—or rather, who will fulfill those desires.

Previous | My Thoughts | Topics | Next