We found out we were pregnant, with our first child, on Friday,
September 17,
1999. I'll never forget that night. I had taken a pregnancy test that
evening
after work on a whim. My husband of two years, Matt, had been insisting
for
the last couple weeks that I was pregnant. I had kept saying I wasn't,
since
we had been trying for over a year, I was used to seeing the negative
result.
Anyway, the stick had two lines, a definite YES!! Still not convinced,
I took
another test. Still yes. We were ecstatic!!!! We immediately called
our
parents and they were tickled pink, too. That night, we went to a
wedding,
and on the way home, we saw a shooting star. I told Matt to make a wish
and
he said, "It already came true." I will never forget that.
For the next three months, everything went perfect. I never had morning
sickness, never had a spot of blood, nothing.
Until January 24, 2000. I was 23 weeks pregnant. I went to my regular
doctor's appointment that afternoon. I told the doctor I had minor
cramps
that day and the night before. She said I was probably constipated.
With this
being my first pregnancy, and as naive as I was, I completely agreed.
Later
that night, when the pains were 2 minutes apart and I just couldn't
stand it
anymore, we called the doctor. A different doctor, who was on call,
said if
it hurt that badly, I should go to the hospital.
To make a long story short, Matt & I went to the hospital. I still
never had
a thought that I was in labor. The words contraction, labor,
delivery. None
of that ever went through my head.
After my water broke at the hospital, they ambulanced me to a different
hospital that was better equipped for preemies.
They tried to stop the labor, I couldn't take the pain anymore, they
wheeled
me into the delivery room. After what seemed like an eternity, our
beautiful
baby girl, Coralyn Nuva Ray, pushed her way into this world. The time
was
4:03 a.m. on January 25, 2000. The doctors tried to revive her. They
worked
and worked. Finally they asked, "Do you want to see her?" Is she
alive?" we
asked. "No she's dead." OH MY GOD!! How can our perfect baby be DEAD?
At my
last ultrasound, the stenographer had said she was the most active,
stubborn
baby she had ever dealt with. DEAD? There must be a mistake. Maybe I'm
dreaming and I'll wake up and my belly will still be growing. Growing
with
her life. Wasn't she just kicking me silly 15 minutes ago? How can this
happen to us? We tried to do everything right. She was fine. This isn't
fair!!!!
She weighed a little over a pound. She was perfect. She had all her
tiny
little fingers and toes. She had hair. She had her daddy's
eyes... Her
mommy's lips. My heart knew that we were meant to be parents. We
loved her
more than anything in this world. As we held her, my life was complete.
I
knew that this was the reason I was born. To be a mom. I've never been
more
sure of anything. Except she didn't cry, she didn't squirm around or
try and
focus on my face. She just lay there, as peaceful as can be. I knew
that the
universe could explode, and I would've been sitting there holding and
protecting my baby...
Shortly there after, they took her away...
Forever.
Sure, we got to see her again. We got to hold her and kiss her. But we
didn't
get to bring her home. How do you plan a funeral for a baby that
shouldn't be
born yet?
I remember, while I was pregnant, being scared to death of being of
mom. What
if I drop her? What if I can't help her when she cries? All the what
ifs.
Then I held her. I saw her. I touched her. I felt her with my very
soul.
As I write this, it has been only 36 days since she was born and died.
Such a
short time. Our hearts are healing, but our lives are forever altered.
We're
parents now. We just don't get to hear the soft, angelic voice of a
toddler
saying her first "mommy " and "daddy" just yet. With lots of love and
prayers, we'll make the journey through parenthood again someday. And
our
future children will always know of their "big sister." It would just
be nice
if it was sooner rather than later. Only 2 more months and she
would've
been fullterm.
Although she never took a breath outside my womb, she was very alive.
She has
impacted the lives of many people.
Some days I just don't want to get up. Yet, the sun still rises. The
pain
isn't quite as intense, yet still persistent. Our hearts are healing.
If I could have only one wish, it would be only to hold her again, for a little longer. To gaze at my sweet baby for all eternity...
Coralyn, if you're out there, always know that your mommy and daddy
love you
more than anything. We miss you with all our heart and soul, and wish
things
had turned out different. Wait for us baby, we can't wait to see you
again..