ASK NEELIX!

Everyone knows that Talaxians offer the best advice when it comes to love and other problems, so Becky and I (that's Coral to the uninitiated) have teamed up with Neelix and a rather worrying group of Ferengi entrepreneurs via a temporal distortion to bring you Neelix's problem page, catchily titled: Ask Neelix!

Got a problem with your love life? Who better to solve it than Neelix, who has left a string of broken hearts behind him, and had his broken by Kes?

Got a problem with your family? Who better to solve it than Neelix, a family guy.

Got a problem with friends? Who better to solve it than Neelix, whose friends always insult his cooking?

Got a depressing patch in your life? Who better to solve it than Neelix, whose entire family was wiped out by a Metreon Cascade?

So, don't be shy. Ask Neelix anything! Just e-mail Coral and she'll pass the question along. Within a few days, an answer will appear on the page!

Until then: share a sample of Neelix's advice to others:

Dear Neelix,

I've got this really big crush on someone else on our ship! She's beautiful, caring, wise, and I love her to bits! But she doesn't care, and is going out with a hologram instead. A hologram! I couldn't believe it; she didn't seem like that type of girl.

Neelix, what am I going to do?

Yours truly,

Chuckles.
 
 

Well, Chuckles, it sounds like you have a big problem. I know it's difficult, but you might just have to wait this one out. After a while she'll probably tire of holographic sex (it's not that good, you know!) and then you'll be able to try again. Until then, a glitch in the holodeck program might speed matters along. I'm sure mouldy private parts are a great turnoff - that's why the race of Gologogs died out three millennia ago.  You might also want to think about this girl - do you really want to go out with someone who dates holograms?

Good luck in your hunting!

Neelix.

Submitted By Hejira, on behalf of Kes

Dear Neelix,

Recently, I visited Voyager and tried to kill everybody.
Okay, I know everyone does that, but think of the pointed-eared-pixie that the Captain didn't try to...okay, so she tried to kill me too, but...
I gave you one of my lungs. Does that help? Good.
Point is, I am in love with someone else with pointed ears.
He's mainly on the bridge, but he used to be my teacher when it comes to my mental abilities. He is such a heart-throb!
Can you tell me how to tell him how I feel without making everyone paranoid again?
Thankyou,
Short-Lived Pixie

P.S. I hate Noss! I really really want to strangle that Lori Petty look-alike! Can you blame me?
 

Dear Short-Lived Pixie,

To start with, I think that you need to get over this killing complex you seem to have. First the crew of Voyager, then Noss... It'll scare people off, you know! You'll stand a much better chance with men if you don't want to kill them or their friends. I'd suggest a nice long talk with an old friend, and maybe a kiss and a hug, to try and overcome these feelings of hatred. My shoulder is always there for you.
Next, this heartthrob with pointed ears: I have to put it bluntly - you probably don't stand a chance, unless he's a serial killer who needs an accomplice. In which case, you might not last long anyway. Besides, teacher/student romances rarely work out. However, Morale Officer/Student Nurse ones often do. Why not find your nearest option and try to forget all about this heartbreaking, pointy-eared demon.

Yours Forever,

Neelix

THE SMALL PRINT:

Becky and Coral do not reserve the right to be insane, but wish to share it with everyone.
We cannot take responsibility for the consequences of following Neelix's advice, or we'd be permanantly in court.
Becky and Coral do not own Neelix, Paramount does. But we do own our temporal distortion.
Becky and Coral do have lives, contrary to public opinion and various bits of evidence.

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