How to Annoy People
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 Elevator Pizza_Orders End

How to Annoy your Roommate

  1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class.

  2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."

  3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.

  4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.

  5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes everyday. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."

  6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.

  7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find.

  8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.

  9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so.

  10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that darn hypnotist...."

  11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."

  12. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.

  13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."

  14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.

  15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.

  16. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.

  17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."

  18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.

  19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.

  20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.

  21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."

  22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.

  23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on. Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."

  24. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.

  25. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.

  26. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."

  27. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."

  28. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.

  29. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's
    a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.

  30. When ever your roommate has company walk over into the middle of the room and sit down, cross legged without saying a word. Be oblivious to their presence. Pull a long piece of string out of your pocket, leaving one end still in your pocket. Take the other end and place it in your mouth. Make LOUD chewing noises as you chew on the string. If anybody says anything give them a questioning look, grunt, and continue to chew while staring, unfocused, straight ahead.

  31. Buy a copy of Helter_Skelter or Silence_of_the_Lambs_, or any equally gruesomely titled book. Sit in a room with your roommate and read the book (or pretend to) with a highlighter mumbling "that looks good" as you highlight pages in the book.

  32. Every now and then start twitching violently and scream "snakes snakes!"

  33. Subscribe to as many mailing lists and reply to as much junk mail as possible under your roommates name. Complain that you never get mail.

  34. wear your clothing backwards and walk around the house backwards.

  35. Carry a pair of walkie talkies with you at all times. Insist that they use it when ever they want to talk to you.

  36. Play hide and seek with yourself. If your roommate asks what you're doing behind the couch, under the table, etc, look at them exasperatedly, come out of the hiding and tell them that they gave away your hiding place.

  37. Refuse to talk to them for several hours.

  38. Tie bedsheets together into a rope. Use it to get out of the house every morning.
Annoying Things to do in an Elevator
End Pizza_Orders Roommate


  1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, darnit, all of you just shut UP!"

  2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

  3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

  4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

  5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

  6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

  7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

  8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

  9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

  10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, darn motion sickness!"

  11. Meow occasionally.

  12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

  13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

  14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

  15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

  16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

  17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

  18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

  19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

  20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

  21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

  22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

  23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

  24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

  25. Casually lean against all of the buttons. Say "Oops".


Annoying Things to do When You Order Out Pizza
End Elevator Roommate


  1. Start the conversation with "My call to (Pizza Place), take one... and... ACTION!"

  2. If using a touch-tone phone, press random numbers while ordering. Tell the person taking the order, "would you please stop doing that...?"

  3. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

  4. Do not name your toppings; rather, spell them out.

  5. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

  6. Order 52 pepperoni slices arranged in a fractal pattern following from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they're getting all of this down.

  7. If they repeat the order to verify it, say "OK. Your total comes to $10.99. Please pull up to the window."

  8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say "Yes," heave a sigh of relief.

  9. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni," using a long "i" sound.

  10. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)?" When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When finally offered proof that they are really (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

  11. Ask to see a menu.

  12. Say you'll be able to pay for this "when the Hollywood people call back."

  13. Demand imperiously, "Do you have ANY IDEA what is at stake with this pizza?!?"

  14. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

  15. Punctuate your sentences with exclamations such as "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

  16. Start the conversation by reciting the date and time, and saying, "This may be my last entry."

  17. Sing the order to the tunes of songs from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" album: "Chop your pizza on a mirror!"; "Master! Master! Put hot sausages on my pizza!"; or "Gimme Pizza! You will do what I say, when I say Gimme Pizza!"

  18. Give your order, then state firmly, "And that's as far as this relationship is going to get."

  19. Ask for a deal available from a different pizza chain (e.g., if phoning Domino's, ask for a CheeserCheeser)

  20. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. Repeat this nested loop until asked to stop, then explain that you got "stuck."

  21. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

  22. Learn to imitate a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crud from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gopher.

  23. Attempt to teach the order-taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

  24. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

  25. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

  26. Order with a Speak-n-Spell.

  27. If order-taker suggests a side order, ask why s/he is punishing you.

  28. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, (So-and-so)."

  29. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your poutiest voice, "LAST guy let me do it..."

  30. Tell the guy first thing that "I would like this to go, please

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