I don't exactly remember when I lost the control or how it happened. Really all I know is that I ended up at this point. A crazy man, white as a sheet, toes hanging over the edge of this buildings' roof, while a crowd of morbid, blood thirsty folk stand way below looking up at me. They just stand there and wait for me to jump so they all can go back to the circle table in the little diners and talk about this crazy boy that jumped off the bank to his death while they sip their coffee. Hell, some of them even have cameras! This small town has made many look for excitement in even things as morbid as this. I guess we are all a little crazy.

"Please sir," a police officer barks through his bullhorn. This is probably the first time that thing has been used since they bought it 20 years before. "Step away from the ledge. You have no reason to be thinking like this. You have plenty to live for."

I glance down and realize I know that officer. We used to be friends actually. That was until junior high rolled around and the kids started to form their cliqs. He was adopted into the "cool" kids' cliq and was then too good to associate with me.....

That was the start of it, my God, that was the start.....

It was the end of the summer of 1989 and the always dark cloud of school time was approaching ever closer. Kevin and I had enjoyed this "last summer of childhood" as we thought of it. Yep, this was it no more kid shit for us we were 11 years old getting ready to enter the world of Junior High. So we made the most out of it. We fished, played, joked, and laughed more than we ever had known possible that summer. I knew Kevin and I would always be the best friends ever.

We were two total opposites even then. Kevin was tall, muscular for his age, and athletic, succeeding in all sports he decided to play. His short cropped blond hair always in place above a face that made all the girls squeal. He wore the nicest shirts and the expensive shoes. He truly was a heartthrob to all the ladies even then.

Then there was me, Louis. First of all the name was bad enough but throw on top of that the fact that I was short, puny, and as uncoordinated as they come sure didn't help me out. My hair frequently looked like an afro, and my huge glasses did little to help my face look attractive to girls. I wore second hand T-shirts and pants with the cheapest shoes we could find. The only thing that I had going for me was that I was smart. Not a genius but smart.

Despite all the differences in looks and people's thoughts on us we had been best friends since the first grade. Kevin really was the only friend I had that I liked to be around.

As that last summer progressed it became more and more apparent to me that we would be best friends all the way through school. I was actually looking forward to school this year because Kev and I would be there to hang during lunch and try and pick up the babes (actually, it went more like Kev would pick up the babes and I would be blown off, but I was used to it).

So our Junior High days started off great and we continued our friendship. It wasn't until basketball season started that I realized what was going on.

A few days after practice started Kev and I were supposed to go out to the creek and fish. Since my family's little home was closer to it, Kev would come by and meet me at my house and then we would walk the rest of the way together, joking and having fun along the way.

Kev had said he would meet me at 7:00 P.M. that night and as the clock reached 7:30 I knew something was wrong. I called his home and his mom answered.

"Hello?" Mrs. Sorlin's sweet voice said.

"Hey Ma, how are you?" I replied. I had called her that often because I was there as much as home. I think she liked it because she always smiled.

"Louie! I haven't seen you in a while. How have you been? Why haven't you been over?"

"I am fine. I haven't talked to Kev since last week, so I figured he was busy."

"Yeah, with basketball and running around with his teammates I haven't seen him much lately either. So what can I do for you, Lou-lou?" She had called me that since the the first time I came over for supper. I had been telling jokes and doing voices that made everyone scream with laughter and she called me a Lou-lou.

"Well, Kev and I were supposed to go fishing tonight and meet here at 7:00, but he hasn't made it. I was wonderin' if he fell asleep or somethin'."

"No I am sorry, Hon. He just left about an hour ago to go run around with some of the boys on the team. He must have forgotten.....I'm sorry , Hon." Her voice was so sweet that it could fix nearly everything but not this time.

"It's okay, Ma. I will just try to catch him another time."

"Okay, Lou-lou. Take care, bud."

"I will, you too, Bye."

"Bye bye."

I was devastated, whether he forgot or simply didn't care didn't matter. Either way it hurt. I knew at that moment that my friend had left me. I did not know how much I would be hurting until the next day at school.

I walked into the school that morning alone again. I had not walked to school alone since the first grade until this year. Kev and I had walked together for the first few weeks until basketball had started. Then ever since he had walked with his teammates.

As I walked into the schoolyard I scanned the clumps of kids for Kevin. I didn't think I would find him until I saw a group of guys all wearing their school jackets and there he was. I walked up slowly and as I did the guys started to turn around.

"Hey what's up, Dork? Why don't you head back over to group over there with the other dorks?" A guy I would later find out was named Jim Kleeter. He was the "Coolest of the cool", the guy every wanted to hang out with because it would make you cool. I personally thought the dude was a braindead turd.

"I just came to talk to, Kev," I replied back not looking into any of their eyes. I looked up at Kev and saw what I had never seen before. His eyes now showed a meanness that was tearing through me.

"Kev, you hear this dildo? He said he wants to talk to you. You guys friends?"

Kevin looked at me and at first I thought he was going to stick up for me. I was wrong. He turned his eyes away from me and said, "Hell no, I mean look at that dork. We used to play when we were kids, but hell he is the biggest fuckin' geek I ever seen now."

The kids with him chuckled and I nearly broke into tears but I held on a while longer without a drop. I couldn't believe what he was saying.

The jocks started to circle around me. I paid no attention my thoughts were on what Kev just said. I barely knew there was anyone there at all. My mind raced and filled with pain for the first of many times to come. I barely heard Kreeter say, "Then let's show him why he needs to stay with his own kind."

Then it was on. The circle that had formed around me began to shove me back and forth like a pinball. Every so often I would catch a punch in the gut but I would not give them the satisfaction of seeing me in pain. I would groan and then bare it. Kevin stayed out of the circle at first and thought would at least not do this to me but then it happened. As Kleeter and some of his buddy's shoved me across the circle I spun around in time to see Kev's blank face right before he drove a punch into my nuts. Finally, I dropped to the ground and tears formed. To this day, I don't know if it was the punch or knowing Kev had did it that hurt more.

I fell to my hands and knees and got a few kicks in the ass while I stay there. Finally they left and as they did I looked up to see Kev getting high fives from his new friends, and that smile that crossed his face when he looked back over his shoulder, that smile would haunt my dreams for months. I caught my breath and stood up, not bothering to dust off, and walked away from the school. I didn't go back that week. I am sure that made Kev look even better to his new friends. All it did for me was make me wish I had never been born.

It is amazing how vivid memories can be. It felt like I had been right back on that day in 1989 but I was still exactly where I was now. I don't remember sitting down but that is how I am now. My legs are dangling over the edge, a couple feet closer to death than they were. I am oblivious to all below now, still thinking about that day. Then I finally look down and see Officer Kevin Sorlin down there in his small town P.D. outfit, with his small town bullhorn, smoking a cigarette, with a beer belly that no one would have guessed about 13 years ago. The sight made me smile.

*Not too cool to become a fat-ass-donut-eating-coffee-guzzlin-pot-bellied cop though, were you?* touche. I liked the thought of him not being so popular with the babes anymore.

I slowly scanned the crowd and realized there were others I had seen before. Mostly older men and women whom I had spoke with as we met on the streets. Others were people I had known as my life went on. Then there she was. I would have never guessed her to be here, but there she was my longest relationship ever had been with that girl. It was Cathleen Sue White. What a wonderful smile she had, even as I was up here looking down I could see it was still there. Just like it had been that day so long ago.....

It is my Junior year and I am on way over to my girlfriends house to pick her up for our Friday night dinner and a movie. I still wasn't sure how I could have picked her up, hold on that was right she picked me up. It was the first time a chick had ever hit on me and this cheerleader with strong legs and a nice butt was standing there saying we needed to go out sometime. I said yes we did. Then two nights later she had called to see about going to dinner. That had been over a year ago and I was so happy.

Cathleen was a knockout. Every guy (and some girls) checked her out whenever she walked by. She was a varsity cheerleader and a varsity softball player despite being only a sophmore. I had started to look a little more appealing to the women. I shed my glasses for contacts and kept my hair short but I was still a dork and not accepted by any cool cliq. I guess Cathleen didn't care because she seemed happy with me and was more than happy to make out. That was a cool thing to me, especially since I had never had a girlfriend before.

Tonight there were no games to cheer or play so we were out for a night on the town. I picked her up at 6:00 P.M. and we are off to dinner. Along the way she played with my leg and kissed my neck like she liked to do. After dinner we went to a movie....what movie was it? I can't remember now but it had been stupid. She liked it, I didn't.

On the way home Cathleen was on the quiet side. I grabbed her leg softly and said, "You still awake over there?"

"Yeah, just thinkin'."

"Whatcha thinkin' about, Babe?"

"Lou, I have to tell you something." I looked at her and raised my eyebrows. "I did something that you won't like. I am sorry."

"Well what is it?" I said trying to keep my voice as calm as possible.

"I don't know how to say..."

"Just go ahead."

"A few weeks ago after the tournament championship game, we were coming home on the bus and I was talking to Jim Kleeter and...well one thing led to another and we started to make out......He made the first move but I didn't stop him. I feel so bad, Lou, I really do." She paused for a moment. "I don't know how to tell you how sorry I am."

"So what does this mean," I replied sternly. I knew where it was going but she had to say it. I could tell by the tone of her voice she wasn't as sorry as she tried to say she was.

"Well, he is really nice."

*As nice as a rash on your ass* I thought.

"I am sorry to do this, Lou. I am breaking up with you, to be with him. We have talked alot lately and he is an athlete you know. Cheerleaders should date athletes right. I really like him, Lou." She said the last with her smile spread across her face. I knew she didn't really care about my feelings. She couldn't care less.

"I thought you were different than the rest, Cath. I was wrong about you and about who you were. I am not going to stop you, but I want you to know you hurt me more than I could have ever imagined." I tell her as I pull in her driveway.

"I am sorry, Lou." The smile left her face. I didn't need a polygraph to see she no longer cared. She turned and got out of the car before leaning back in to hand my class ring to me. "I am still here to talk to if you ever want." I reached and grabbed my ring not saying a word. She shut the door and went up her sidewalk, hopped up the stairs, and went inside her house. If the smile hadn't been enough the new spring in her step told the rest.

That was the last time I ever talked to her. She avoided me so I figured I would leave her alone. As I pulled away that night I began to cry harder than I ever thought possible. I had finally been able to give someone my heart and they took it, dropped, and tap danced all over it. I had never felt worse not even after Kev punched me, not after my parents divorce, never had I felt this bad.

The memory had brought me to tears. Police Officer Kevin was shouting up at me through his bullhorn but I can't tell what he is saying because I am still back in that night so long ago. I looked down but all I saw was tear induced blurs. I shake my head to try and get rid of the memory, but it is to no avail. After a few minutes, and several tears streaming down my face, it is over at last. I am not sure if that is a good thing because my head has filled back up with all the thoughts as before.

"Please sir, come down and allow us to help you," The bullhorn amplifies up to me. I see the fire department has arrived. They have not yet tried to come up and that is good for now.

*Help? Help? It is too late for help my former friend. You should have thought about that many years ago*

I feel my legs stand up beneath and I am standing at the ledge again. The wind catches my hair and sings in my ears. The smell of the Chinese restaurant drifts by in a greasy wave of sensation. I breath in deep and let it out slow. I feel that the time is near. The time for second thoughts has passed and it is now time for action.

As I extend my arms out and close my eyes, a new thought comes to my head. My mother's face and her firm hug all the times I needed it most. Then something she always said that made me smile not matter how bad I felt, "Don't worry about...

...everyone else, Fuck 'em all." Maybe it was the fact that the obscenity was coming from my Mom's mouth. I don't know but it always made me smile.

"I know, Mom," I whined, "I know."

Mom was a beautiful woman, that looked many years younger than her age. She was so great and would talk to me about anything. Hell, for many years she was my only friend. When she was happy everyone around her was happy, but when she was mad, watch the hell out.

"Then go out and have some fun. Stop sitting around the house and enjoy your time."

"I don't like being alone, Mom."

"Louis, look around Hon. I don't like being alone either. But here I am divorced with no one around. Am I completely happy? No. But I do try to seem like it most of the time." Mom always could relate to me.

"Do you go to bed crying because you think your a loser? Have you went to school knowing that the only person who would talk to you is the teacher? I do almost everyday."

"Honey," Mom comes over to hold me, despite the fact I am now nearly 17. "Don't ever say that about the person that means more to me than anything in this world. You are not a loser. You are my everything and you are on your way to success. A loser can't be successful."

"I don't live for tomorrow, Mom. I live for today, and today is nothing to be happy about."

"Listen to yourself. Listen. You said you are living for Today. If that is true then make something for yourself today. Don't let today slip through your fingers. Enjoy today."

She had always kept me going everyday of my life since then, but not now. Mom had died nearly a year ago and my life had been filled with the darkness of depression ever since. I have lost all hope and all motivation. I just wanted to see Mom again and be rid of all of these memories for good.

"Sir, can we please try to talk you out of this? I will come up myself if you like." Kevin calls through the bullhorn. This burns into my ears and before I know it my mouth opens and I start to release.

"You would like to talk to me? You would like to talk me out of this?" Kevin has pulled the bullhorn away from his mouth. I can tell he is trying to figure out who I am. I look down at him with a slight grin on my face. "You my friend should have thought about that 13 years ago when you decided you were too cool for me. Everyone thinks that things like that are just minor, but I will tell you, they are not. They scar, they linger, they hurt for many years to come. Just like lover's that would rather stomp your heart out than do it the right way. Isn't that right, Cathleen?" I see her flinch and look around scared. "What's a matter don't you remember me? I am Louis Melbourne."

"Hell, look at you all down there. How many of you are here to see them talk me down and how many are here hoping to see me splatter? You are all hypocrites to your own beliefs. Do unto others as you would have the....bullshit you people only think about yourselves. All through this hell I call life I have given and given, but no one cared to give back. Look around you and look at yourself. You and people like you cause people like me to do this. People like some of you make me sick and hate the thought of tomorrow. As I went through this life more people made fun of and humiliated me than ever tried to help and to all of you I say, Goodbye at last."

I lean forward and let the gravity take control. Instantly the wind begins to rush by. Although the drop is only about 80 feet it seems to take an eternity. I stared at the ground and saw it coming towards me. For once my thoughts were at ease and nothing mattered. The world was stopped waiting for the impact but for me it never came just instant darkness.

I saw myself from outside my body for the last moment of the fall. I had to look away and when I did I saw tears in the eyes of the people standing there. Was it due to the speech I screamed down from atop the building, was it for the sight of the actions, or was it a realization of what could have been? I will never know because I am now floating away. But to where? Heaven? Hell?

I hope I helped people see better ways. Unfortunately many will say that I wasted my life by doing this.

Maybe they are right.