Let's get right to it.

As the door seems to slams shut on another 2 year chapter of my life it is hard to decide how to feel. Do I jump for joy because it seems to have concluded? Do I fall to my knees and weep because it is another two years that I will never have back? Do I fall apart because I may have just pushed out the best chapter of my life? Do I ask why I over react when my heart feels completely threatened? I have no clue how to feel. I know I feel empty because hopes are now pretty much gone. I know I feel alone even though I have all these wonderful friends because my heart feels like it has disappeared. I know I feel played and used but that seems to be the normal function for me.

I want to say fuck it and end the book, because it pretty much has already. I want to say I don't care about it and I won't ever think of it again but then I would just be saying it to make other people not worry about me.

The bad part is that I basically did it to myself. As soon as my heart feels threatened I spring into save myself from heartache mode and try to shield myself from it in any way possible. What really happens is I just hate myself more and probably cause more heartache for myself. At least I only have me to blame for it though. Too many times it has been me that has let the others do it to me and I am through with that. Now I just do it myself.

All I have ever really wanted was to be with someone that I know only wants to be with me and absolutely no one else. Why is that so hard to find? WHY? I feel so insignificant and empty when I find out the person I am dating has feelings for someone else. I am sure everyone would but why haven't I had ONE girlfriend that only wanted me? That makes me feel like I am not worth a shit. I can't change their minds no matter how hard I try and I am sick of playing second fiddle to everyone else. Always the best man but never the GD groom. If I hear that I am still young one more time about this subject I am going to go nuts. I know I am still young but I am sure not getting any younger.

I keep hearing that someday that one person will come along that only cares for me but I can not yet believe that. Someday is a long time away even if it is tomorrow alot can happen before tomorrow and it may never come. Here's to today and all the bullshit that may come with it.

Later,
Coopedaddy

The story of a teenage guy played by John Cusack who is dumped for the local ski stud. Pushed to hopeless thoughts by the loss he is constantly attempts suicide and always ends up screwing it up in some hilarious way. Despite meeting a female foreign exchange student who is obviously attracted to him he still obsesses over his ex. Finally in the end after beating the ski stud in a race and have his ex come back to hang all over him he realizes his feelings for the exchange student. A great funny tale of the blindness of love and with the classic psycho paper boy that wants his two dollars this movie is hilarious from start to finish and helps you see that perhaps you are not the only feeling like crap after a relationship.