I have finally made it back to the unforgetting world of my electronic recollections, digital soliloquys, and cyber-space confessionals. Please excuse my recent hiatus from this pixelated realm but I have been off in my own little universe of reality and fiction all tied into one.

Perhaps you can tell from my opening that life has gotten extremely strange for me lately. Perhaps you can't and I was only hoping that I had made it apparent. Or maybe, just maybe it is completely normal in every way except for how my head is dealing with it.

In recent months I have felt joy and pain running through my body in great parallels, simultaneously impressing their feelings upon me. Other times extreme happiness and extreme depression grip my body and mind stretching the seams of sanity which each tug. Then there is the worst struggle going on within me, the hopes running right alongside the fears. I am not sure what any of it means or why it must be this way but at times it leaves me completely lethargic. I just want to let the world pass me by, as if that will alleviate the horrible confusion that has been haunting me.

I believe I have began to understand why my mind is working like this, but yet it still does not make complete sense. At this point I am involved with Cathy, a wonderful person and perhaps the most perfect other half for me that I may ever find, and I am so very happ in this realtionship. Despite the intense happiness I feel with her there is also a depression that holds happiness's hand and runs along with it. The depression that knows that great loves will someday have to part. I have seen and felt it many times before, and now I believe my sobconscious is not letting me get too blinded by love. Perhaps it is a defense mechanism, maybe it is there to not allow me to go through another year of the hell I went through in 2002. Perhaps it will prevent that but at the same time it is not allowing me to enjoy my time on top of the world like I should be enjoying it.

I truly wish that every memory of my past, good and bad, could dissolve and disappear without a trace so that I can truly enjoy this blessing of great fortune that I have had bestowed upon me in the form of my beautiful Cathy. So that I may once again enjoy the bliss of being in love without the constant voice in my head saying, "she will leave you too." I have made many attempts at eliminating as many memories as I possibly can. I ridded myself of my car, the Cougar, to start anew without all the memories it brought to me. I am selling the car I have loved since before I even owned it, my Malibu. My motorcycle is nearly completely different than it was, hell it isn't even the same bike. I have put away or gotten rid of all the momentoes from past relationships. The only thing I haven't changed is me and yet there are still the constant burdens of past memories. I would give anything to be rid of every last one of them.

Well that is the update on my current mental status, not that anyone is reading it, nat that I care anymore. I will continue to put these up from time to time to serve as a release for myself. So until next time....

Let the ones near you know how you feel, if you love them tell them, if you hate them tell them, just make sure it is how you feel. The end is coming are you prepared?

Coopedaddy