Jokes
In five days, I'm going to be getting married for the first time. My fiancee and I agreed a long time ago that we wanted to write our own wedding vows, and as a spur-of-the-moment idea, I suggested the following. To my disappointment, she didn't quite go for it....
Pastor: Will you answer me right now
These questions, as your wedding vow?
Groom: Yes, I will answer right now Your questions as my wedding vow.
Pastor: Will you take her as your wife? Will you love her all your life?
Groom: Yes, I take her as my wife, Yes, I'll love her all my life.
Pastor: Will you have, and also hold Just as you have at this time told?
Groom: Yes, I will have, and I will hold, Just as I have at this time told, Yes, I will love her all my life As I now take her as my wife.
Pastor: Will you love through good and bad? Whether you're happy or sad?
Groom: Yes, I'll love through good and bad, Whether we're happy or sad, Yes, I will have and I will hold Just as I have already told, Yes, I will love her all my life, Yes, I will take her as my wife!
Pastor: Will you love her if you're rich? Or if you're poor, and in a ditch?
Groom: Yes, I'll love her if we're rich, And I will love her in a ditch, I'll love her through good times and bad, Whether we are happy or sad, Yes, I will have, and I will hold (I could have sworn this has been told!) I promise to love all my life This woman, as my lawful wife!
Pastor: Will you love her when you're fit, And also when you're feeling sick?
Groom: Yes, I'll love her when we're fit, And when we're hurt, and when we're sick, And I will love her when we're rich And I will love her in a ditch And I will love through good and bad, And I will love when glad or sad, And I will have, and I will hold Ten years from now a thousandfold, Yes, I will love for my whole life This lovely woman as my wife!
Pastor: Will you love with all your heart? Will you love till death you part?
Groom: Yes, I'll love with all my heart From now until death do us part, And I will love her when we're rich, And when we're broke and in a ditch, And when we're fit, and when we're sick, (Oh, CAN'T we get this finished quick?) And I will love through good and bad, And I will love when glad or sad, And I will have, and I will hold, And if I might now be so bold, I'll love her my entire life, Yes, I WILL take her as my wife!
Pastor: Then if you'll take her as your wife, And if you'll love her all your life, And if you'll have, and if you'll hold, From now until the stars grow cold, And if you'll love through good and bad, And whether you're happy or sad, And love in sickness, and in health, And when you're poor, and when in wealth, And if you'll love with all your heart, From now until death do you part, Yes, if you'll love her through and through, Please answer with these words:
Pastor and Groom: I DO!
Pastor: You're married now! So kiss the bride, But please, do keep it dignified.
Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters.
The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes. Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?
Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?
Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.
Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.
Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?
Gore It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush?
Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.
Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.
Lehrer: Good night.
[Note - circulating anonymously, forwarded by a reader - ed.]
A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the ** Up!"
The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room:
"Good Night, Sergeant"
This psychiatrist is doing his rounds of his asylum with a couple of students. They look in on one patient and the pychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?"
The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?"
The second student says, "No, surely he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goerring."
There were three prostitutes living together: a mother, a daughter and a grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down.
"How did you do tonight, dear?" asked her mother.
"Not too good." replied the daughter, "I only got 20 dollars for a blow job"
"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day, we were glad to get 5 dollars for a blow job!"
"Good God!" said the Grandmother, "In my day, we were glad to just get something warm in our stomachs!"
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, some Polish blood, a little Indian blood, and even some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."
When liberal arts types get in human resources (or anywhere else) in a technical company, they often cope with technical jargon by assuming that it means something else.
One of our consultants was working for a company and noted that they were spending much of their time in manditory sensitivity training sessions. Gender relations, religious, racial, ethnic and sexual preference training was the order of the day for several weeks.
We finally found out why someone thought this was necessary, a manager had been called out of a meeting to help deal with a hung application. Semms that as he left, he told people he had to "go deal with a race condition."
>The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you >are qualified to be a "professional." Scroll down for each answer. > >The questions are not that difficult. > >1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Cut him up into small pieces with a chain saw, put the pieces in plastic bags, and put them in the refrigerator.
>The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and >close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple >things in an overly complicated way. > >2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Cut him up into small pieces with a chain saw, put the pieces in plastic bags, and put them in the refrigerator.
>Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the >refrigerator. > >Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the >elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the >repercussions of your actions. > >3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend >except one. Which animal does not attend?
Trick question. Both the giraffe and the elephant are dead and in my fridge, so actually it's TWO animals not attending.
>Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. >This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first >three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your >abilities. > >4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. >How do you manage it?
Take the dismembered giraffe and elephant pieces out of the refrigerator, put them in the water, let the crocodiles eat until they're full and sleepy, then swim across.
>Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending >the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your >mistakes. >According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the >professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers >got several correct answers. > >Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that >most professionals have the brains of a four year old. > >Send this out to frustrate all of your friends
What? I have to go speak to the Human Resources director? Again?
Ever since it was proposed that the centers of galaxies might contain not black holes, but massive clusters of neutrinos, astronomers and physicists and been trying to find a reliable method to detect these "neutrino balls."
First obstacle: finding a way to hold their little legs apart.
A few days ago, I was on the phone with my health insurance company. During the course of the conversation I was put on hold. I listened to the "on-hold" music for a bit. The music was familiar. I listened closer, and it finally dawned on me what I was listening to: Mozart's Requiem. I wonder if they were trying to tell me something.
Two golfers walk on to the first tee.
The first golfer hits a wild slice, and the ball is heading out of bounds. Suddenly, a parachute pops out of the ball, and it floats gently down onto the side of the fairway.
On the second tee, the first golfer hits a bad hook, and the ball disappears into thick rough. Second golfer is sure they will never recover it. But, as they approach the rough, they hear a "beep, beep, beep" from the ball.
The third hole is over a lake. First golfer hits another bad shot, and the ball disappears into the water. A few seconds later, the ball pops up, two tiny oars appear, and steadily row the ball to the bank.
Second golfer exclaims: "That ball is incredible! How on earth did you get hold of it?"
First golfer: "I found it."
Microsoft has acquired a software patent for "1-Click destruction" the company reported earlier today in a press release. The patent is for "a technique that will enable a user with a single mouse click with no further interaction to execute any malicious scripting code in an email or another document." Software patents are controversial since they often cover obvious techniques, but analysts comment that in this case there is no known prior art and Microsoft truly innovated the technique themselves. Apple Computer Inc. has been rumored to be in negotiations to license the patent, but officials from Apple refused to comment on the matter.
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.
REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his own wife back again.
Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below!
> Bill Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> William Jefferson Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> W. J. Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> William Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> W. Jefferson Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> William J. Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> Slick Willie Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington, DC
>
> Mr. Hillary Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
.f The following tale is from the history of the oldest commissioned warship in the world, the USS Constitution. It comes by way of the National Park Service, as printed in "Oceanographic Ships, Fore and Aft", a periodical from the oceanographer of the US Navy. [Note - and it's been modified slightly by someone along the way - ed] On 23 August 1779, the USS Constitution set sail from Boston, loaded with 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of water, 74,000 cannon shot, 11,500 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum. Her mission: to destroy and harass English shipping. On 6 October, she made Jamaica, took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Three weeks later, Constitution reached the Azores, where she provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 2,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. On 18 November, she set sail for England where her crew captured and scuttled 12 English merchant vessels and took aboard their rum. By this time, Constitution had run out of shot. Nevertheless, she made her way unarmed up the Firth of Clyde for a night raid. Here, her landing party captured a whiskey distillery, transferred 13,000 gallons on board and headed for home. On 20 February 1780, the Constitution arrived in Boston with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, and no whiskey. She did, however, still carry her crew of 475 officers and men and 18,600 gallons of water. The math is quite enlightening: Length of cruise: 181 days Booze consumption: 1.26 gallons per man per day (this does NOT include the unknown quantity of rum captured from the 12 English merchant vessels in November). Naval historians say that the re-enlistment rate from this cruise was 92%. Where do I sign up???
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