| The Case of the Busy Playboy Well here I sit playin with a pencil waitin for the phone to ring. Damn neon lights. Shadows in color, just what I needed. Ahhhhhh geeze, come on Tracy, pick up. (Click). I�d been trying to reach my niece all morning. Why can�t that girl find some decent guy? Well it wouldn�t be me. Hahaha. Nope, I�m probably the most indecent guy you�ll ever meet. Down on the luck private eye, wrinkled worn out suit, scuffed shoes. Hell my guns in the pawn shop and I think repayments due today, or was it yesterday? Doesn�t make any difference I won�t have it tomorrow either. Staring out the window, one hand propped against the wall. Maybe I should go to New York City or Chicago. Go where the big boys play instead of this hell hole one horse town. Yeah, get one ah them rich dames lost her cat or somethin. Or maybe her boyfriend is cheatin with her husband. Hahaha, that�d be a trip. Smile boys you�re on candid camera, hahaha. ����..Bzzzz. Well hello ma�m. what can I do for you today? Well�. Mr. �.Scalley!! isn�t it? No ma�m that�d be Wag my brother in law. My names Scallon ma�m, Mike Scallon. How may I be of service to you? ?�� Well Mr. Scallion it seems my husband found out about an affair I�ve been having and I was wondering if you could help me. (I knew I shouldn�t have cracked that one as soon as I realized she was blonde.) Sure thing ma�m. my sevices are $100 a day plus expenses. And of course there�s a retainer. (I was starting to tell her it would be $900 as a weeks estimate including minor expenses then I decided to drop it to $500 before I lost her. Then before I could finish she reached in her purse and�..) Well here�s $5,000 Mr. Scallion, will that cover the retainer? (His eyes widen at the site of green good old hard American cash and he stutters.) Yes ma�m that should cover it for a day or so. Now exactly what is it you think I can do? Well I think my husband is having an affair with my lover. Your lover!!! You mean your boyfriend? A male, or am I being presumptuous? Yes Mr. Scallion, a young man, a male you silly boy. What would you think I had? Scallon ma�m. Sorry. Uh, did you by any chance lose a cat to? Well no Mr. Scallion. Why do you ask? Oh nothin Mrs. Uh Mrs.!! Malidon, Marjory Malidon. Ok Mrs. Malidon if you�ll just give me some information and a couple of pictures if you have them I can get started right away or if you don�t have them I can stop by your place. I mean home and pick them up. Pick them up? You mean arrest them? No ma�m, I meant any pictures you might have that would help me. See I don�t know what either one of them looks like. Ohhhhh, I see. Hehehe. I thought, oh never mind. But I have a picture of my lov� friend here. I can�t let you come to my home. My husband might get suspicious if a private detective came to my home. Yes ma�m. he might at that. Alright Mrs. Malidon I�ll get right on this just as soon as I finish this other job. Ohh. You must be so busy. I�m sorry I bothered you. I�ll find someone else then, thank you for your time. Oh. No wait. I can finish that other job anytime. It�s just a matter of tying up loose ends. I�ve been, uh, trying to find a gun. Oh, was it used in a robbery or a murder? No ma�m, it was gonna be a suicide. Oh My. I hope you find it then. That poor man sounds so desperate. Destitute is more like it ma�m. Ok. thank you so much Mr. Scallion. You will call me the minute you find out something won�t you? Yes a�m. you�ll be the first one to know. You have a good day now Mrs. Malidon. Scallon sits and fingers the crisp perfume scented bills. Fifty $100 bills. He kisses them, folds and sticks them in his pocket and turns off the light as he locks the door on his way out. He glances at the stick on black and gold letters on the door pane; "MICHAEL SCALLON -PRIVATE EYE-. His name was really Daniel but who ever heard of Daniel Spilane? And she�d been right all along. It WAS Scallion. But who wants to be associated with a bite of fish flippers? After killing a nice bottle of $3.00 wine he woke up with that road kill taste in his mouth. Searching through the medicine cabinet then the overflowing trash container for some mouthwash he finally settled on spraying his mouth with deodrant. Ewww, damn what a wretched taste as he shudders. Out of the two room flat into the garbage littered street he walked not really able to tell if he was outside or not except for the fact there were no cars in his living room that he remembered. There was the same cursing on the corner though. Like his neighbor pounding on the wall because he thought Frank Sanatra was too loud. Hell I never told him to sing that loud why�s he pissed at me. Shoving the styrofoam cups over and cleaning a few off the dashboard then kicking pizza boxes and trays of chicken bones with dried gravey out from under the foot petal I cranked. Hmm, it hasn�t been on empty that long. I just drove it two weeks ago and it was fine then. Whirrrrrrr, pow�pow. Whirrrrrrrr, pow sputter pow sputter , varoooooom. Ah, that�s my girl. Holding the mirror up he slowly lurched into the street amid the honking and people showing him they were # 1 onto the next red light. He�d overlooked the last one watching this blonde walking with her bad hip. Yep. She was a gooden. She was like a girlfriend to him, half his age, you needed to kick her to get her to settle down, needed constant pampering, and got by on cheap alcohol. She had nice seat covers (if you moved the old newspapers and the tattered and stained playboy magazine. He wished he�d have moved that seat up front years ago. Once he was driving and had one of those little snack cakes and a large piece of yellow cake fell in his lap. Looking down he saw it, picked it up and started chewing it. Pttttttt. Damn foam. Then he spied it on the floor mat. Reaching for it so he wouldn�t have an accident if his foot slipped then looked up at the terrefied womans face as she dropped her grocery sack and ran. He watched as the traffic behind him stopped for the canned goods rolling across the blacktop. He had a spare flat in the trunk in case he never had one and a jack with no handle. The last time he�d used it he stopped to see if the wheel cleared the ground. When he let go the handle caught him under the chin about six times before he could bat an eye which at the time were doing that well enough on their own. Slinging the handle as far as he could as it appeared to be too dangerous to keep he drove off. He didn�t know the jack had detached its self from the bumper as he swerved into the street then it striking his neighbors car. Yeah I told the mechanic I knew that but the old rim was rusty and if I needed a new tire I might as well get a wheel to and if me and everything else was perfect he�d be out of a job. Screeeeeeechhhhhh, bump. PAWN SHOP WE PAY CASH FOR ANYTHING OF VALUE. Yeah right. She just came back for the divorce and her other dress. Ok, feeling the cold steel in his hands and counting the remainder of the $5,000 he left the store followed by a man shouting: "AND STAY OUT" sheeeesh. Pay $165 to get a $35 gun back, then another $75 to renew my license. I could have done it at the police station but they never want to run me out of their place. Most of the time it is just the opposite. And there�s the matter of parking or is it park tickets. Driving through the chain gate at the park, sleeping in my car in the park, building a campfire in the park, hacking an already scraggly looking bush for firewood in the park. Satisfied and digging through the glove box and floorboard for loose shells I found one on a key ring. Maybe I could fake em out loading it in my gun if they didn�t see the holes. I pulled across the street from Mademoiselle Malidon amidst the Mercedes, Jags and BMW�s trying to look inconspicuous sat back with my new playboy and fresh coffee. At least this one was. I still don�t know how that other one kept from spilling after all these months. Yep, this was my ex-wife. Looks just like she described herself on the phone the day before we met. I still never met her that day. She called later in the day and asked why I stood her up. I told her I was there but there was nobody meeting that description and the only red dress was some old hag in the back booth that kept staring holes in me. We finally reconciled a month later as I told her I had my reading glasses on. If you had correctional vision you didn�t want any glasses on. Ahhh, here comes Mr. Malidon. Putting the Playboy down I picked up the paper and pretended to read the headlines. JFK assassinated. No wonder I kept this one. But yet the date was older than the car and I got it second hand. Maybe it was here when I bought the car! I waited and waited. Then I saw the mail cart pull in at the end of the block. I reached back and pulled out my briefcase and dusted it off, changed my hat put some grey on my temples and mustache with dye from my kit and a pair of horn rimmed glasses and stepped from the car. I stopped at a slick black BMW and pretended to fumble with the door lock when I saw him glance up. I headed up the side walk to the house with the mail man behind me. I turned and said: oh, thanks. I was expecting something today. He smiled and handed me the packet of mail and wished me a good day, touched his cap and turned away. I quickly shuffled through the mail and found one I thought I might use later. See by me not asking and the US Mail voluntarily handing it too me I broke no laws and I was expecting something today. I was expecting to eat a hot meal, my first in a while so I didn�t lie either. I stepped onto the porch and put the mail in the box slamming the lid then quickly stepped down a few yards and proceeded back up the steps just as the door opened. The man himself appeared and looked at me while retrieving his mail. Crooked his head down the block and seeing the back of the mailman just leaving he spoke: if your selling something we don�t want any. I said I was new and would he care to look at my brochures on a new insurance plan as I held out a card I knew he�d never take. He gruffly grumbled and went back into the house and I heard the dead bolt snap as I left. Back in the car I opened the letter. It was as I thought. A conformation on a new credit card. There was no card as I well knew by the feel of the limp envelope. It might serve a purpose later and I placed it in my inside jacket pocket. I pulled out and went to the end of the block set up and waited. I had the mirror on the dash pointed at his house. I read, (I always get the Playboy for the interesting articles like everyone else), and occasionally glanced in the mirror. At five past nine he left the house. I noted the time and jotted down his license plate as he unlocked it. I already knew what Mrs. Malidon drove as I watched her leave yesterday from my window. I followed trying to keep him in sight but not too near as he drove across town. He stopped in another residential district and walked up and opened the door and went in. Ok. now we had a habitation he was familiar and welcome in I�d guess. I wrote the time and address down in my daily journal. It was over two years out of date but I scratched through the day and wrote it in. well, well. Here comes the Mail man here now. I knew I would be pushing it if I tried the same thing again so I let it go. I did take a travel wipe and cleaned the grey from my hair and mustache already having removed the clear lens glasses. After only a half hour Mr. Malidon left the house. He got in his car and backed out of the drive. I slunk down out of sight as he passed then I pulled out a minute later. This time he went to a motel and I pulled in at a service station next to it. I pulled a telephoto lens from the glove box having lost the camera months ago and watched. As soon as the car was parked in front of the room and he slammed the car door the motel door swung open seconds later. A younger man appeared in tennis shorts and a blazer and grabbed Malidon and they both hugged and kissed before entering the room. Now at least I knew Mrs. Malidon was right. There was however one more thing I needed to do before going to see her. I knew they would probably remain in the room till at least noon anyway. I got two dollars worth of gas and left for downtown. I went to records and looked up the address of the second home he visited. It was listed as Mr. Howard J. Malidon and Mrs. Beth A Malidon. Ok. Now for a visit. I pulled up in front of the residence and with my briefcase I entered the atrium. I rang the doorbell and the intercom came squelching back: who is it. Allied Credit Mrs. Malidon. She opened the door but left the glass storm door shut after checking its lock. She asked me my business for being there and I showed her the letter (without the envelope) and said the company always followed up on credit card applications to prevent theft and fraud. She looked the letter over through the door and opened the storm door and let me inside. She offered me a chair and I sat as she positioned herself across on a nearby sofa. I asked her if she received our forward letter of conformation. She replied her husband took care of the bills and things. She was nice looking. Looked to be in her mid 30�s, nice build, well dressed and polite. I asked to verify some information and she agreed she would do her best although her and her husband had only been married a few months. I asked her maiden name and next of kin. Then where and what date they were married. She left and returned with the marriage license and handed it to me. I wrote the docket number down and a few other details thanked her and told her the card would arrive in about two to three weeks. As I was leaving I asked if that was her car in front as I had seen some kids around it when I drove up and they ran when I got out of the car. She replied no. hers was in the drive in the back of the house. I tipped my hat and left after thanking her. I drove around the block and into a paved alley way and down almost to the rear of the house. I could see the car in the half circle drive. I jotted down the license number and description and backed down the way I came in. Hmmm. This was unfolding into a nice job reward. It just now surpassed the $5,000 mark and doubled, maybe. I drove straight to the Malidon home, well one of them, and rang the doorbell. Mrs. Malidon answered after the maid disappeared. she gasped and looked out quickly and almost jerked me inside the house. She said I asked you to call me on any information and not to come here. What if my husband were to drive up? She not seeming to be going anywhere was dressed like she was fixing to leave for a premiere showing. Class, nothing but pure money and class. I explained I had completed my investigation and even if her husband did come home there would be no problem. She quizzically looked at me in wonder then I proceeded to tell her what I�d found. Before I even got to lover boy and lover boy she excused herself and picked up the phone. Dialing a well known number on speed dial she spoke: yes Dorothy this is Marge. I need to speak with Frank please. There was a moment of silence. Then she said: Frank I need to set up an appointment as soon as possible. No I mean today, by this afternoon. Yes it is important. Yes, 1:45 sounds good. Before I get there Frank look up this number. She gave him the document number and date. It is a marriage license and after you see it you�ll understand. Ok sweetie, by the way how are Cynthia and the children? That�s good frank, she is so sweet, I miss our chats after she started her volunteer work. Ok, you too, smooooch, bye. Now Mr. Scallion, I�m sorry for the interruption but I wanted to get my attorney in on this quickly. Now where were we? I continued and got to the lover, motel union and she held up a finger, picked up the phone and looked in the book. She dialed and said: yes, this is the Malidon residence and I�d like all the locks changed on my house please. Oh no, I need it done sooner than that. I need it done before 5 this afternoon. What�s that? Oh. 619 Hampton Circle. Yes that would be fine. I�ll expect you in about 20 minutes then. Thank you. (even the address breathed money)I�m sorry again Mr. Scallion but I will not let either one of those two bas� gentlemen back in my home until after the trial and divorce are finalized. Thank you so much for a fast and efficient job. Now how much do I owe you? I told her it was customary in fact binding (as I didn�t want to use the falsehood of "Legal") as finder of the information and witness to charge 15 to 25% of any settlement or an equitable sum we can both agree on. (not wanting her lawyers in on this I wanted my money a soon as possible and almost knowing she�d never part with that much community property even though it was a bluff we�d, or I would agree to almost anything) She said my! That small a fee? Giggling she said Howard wouldn�t get one penny as it had ALL been hers before the marriage but she would get the company he started with her money in her name alone now. She went to the antique gilded desk and picked up a check ledger and began writing. She tore off the check and handed it to me. I started to tell her it didn�t matter if the property was h�then I saw $15,000 on the check. I asked her if she�d made a mistake and she said: very well then. She tore up the check, wrote out and handed me another. I looked at this one first before I opened my loud mouth again and lost even more. OMG $35,000. She said now that was all she would pay unless I wanted to take it up with her attorney. I graciously accepted it and apologized for being rude. She said: I completely understand. In this day and age you have to make expenses. I nearly choked as I thanked her and shook her hand (while mine still trembled) on my way out. My hat was still stuck in the top of the tree when I drove off heading for the bank. The neighborhood kids stared at me until I was long out of sight as well as barking dogs I�d awakened with my scream out side after having heard Mrs. Malidon shut the door and was almost to my car. The Masked Writer <o.-> � 2002 T Lovett |