| This &$%#@ Up Ole House (The Redneck Series) I�d read how to build your own house. Now how hard can that be? All it takes is a few tools, the right material. (I repeat. The RIGHT material) and a little labor. Ok. I�ve got Bubba and Betty Lou that should be enough help. (I may also remind you it said "experienced" help and or proper supervision by a "qualified" builder). Well it appears hay is a cheap insulation and available. Joe Martin has a stack not far from here I�ll just borrey a few bales from him he�ll never miss em. After all he owes me for fixin his tractor. I still think $15,000 is too much to repair a bedroom. After all he didn say the clutch would jump into gear when it was idling. After spending the day hauling and stacking hay bales on the new foundation they were set. It took longer than we thought, after all it was just the two of them. Well Bubba did most of it and Betty Lou had to be the lookout in case anybody saw us "borryin" the hay. After dinner (and a short nap) we went back to the job site. HOLY SHIT!!!!!!. Dam cows ate the kitchen walls and most of the den. The rest was scattered all over the place. Back to the drawing board. While me an Bubba were going over new ideas and plans Betty Lou scooped cow pookie out of the new house along with several loads of loose hay. She musta named the cows cuz I heard her cussin them and ones name was Bubba. She had her back to me and I didn hear the other names. Plan B. Another idea was aluminum cans. They were light and when stacked afforded horizontal strength in the walls plus being hollow acted like a thermos preserving heat and cold. We had tons of empty cans and by the looks of it so far enough while building it to add another room or two. We backed off the idea of a two story after Bubba fell off a wall. It was only a few feet high but he was makin the wall while emptying the cans. He drank more than he shoulda I think. We found an easy way to make windows and doors. Just pick a place you wanted one and place a full six pack in the wall while you were building it and presto. Sunlight and expansion blew a hole just about right. Bubba taught me that one. He accidently left a full six pack sittin on top of an unfinished wall and I didn notice it and glued it down with the rest. Forty five minutes later it exploded. We all ran for cover thinkin Joe martin done found out we borried his hay. It made a nice hole though so we continued using the idea. Just don�t sit or stand near it for an hour or you�ll smell like a brewery. And tell your wife so she don�t have to go take a bath after every new window. She went off several times cussin them cows again. I thought beer was good for washin hair but she got real upset. Bubba had Band-Aids on both hands before we even finished the outside walls. I think it was too many pop-a-tops myself. Them dam things is sharp. We wuz savin them to make curtains. We wuz gonna fill each can with cement but the cement truck driver said NO WAY. He wasn�t stayin with a load of hot concrete while we filled each can through them tiny holes. We done tried fillin em with the spout came off the back of the truck but it just spilled ever place and very little went in the can. We had a few bulges in the wall where "someone" put quart cans but I figgered we could put lights in them. By the way. Aluminum cans will conduct electricity. There she goes cussin them cows again. She plugged in the coffee pot (for Bubba) and ther musta been a bare wire stickin out summerz cuz she threw that pot plum over one wall. Bubba started stringin Christmas tree lights on one wall. Said he was gonna call it Busch Gardens. Betty Lou done ruled out the water fall fountain on the Coors wall. The building code inspector came by just nosin around. I have no idea who called him cuz I sure as hell didn. I knew better. Me n him done had a few run-ins over the double wide on the mountain side on them skids and pier columns. Well he said ain�t no *&% ^%$#&^ way we wuz ever gonna get elecricity turned on in that mess. He said all electrical wiring had to be in conduet. I said why? Its in them cans. We argued for a while and I saw he wasn�t gonna back down so me an Bubba started drivin pipe down the walls. We done good cept for a few six packs in the shaded walls didn explode. There goes Betty Lou again. She was guiding us down the wall from outside. Hun you needn�t beea cussin them cows now. Theys plum over in another pasture. #&%^ you she says. Bubba says: What was that? I dunno. Somethin about the truck I think. Radio plays good n there to. House made a great antenna and even one person singin sounded like the Mormon Tackle Choir. Some how after an hour of listenin to fiddlin and such the wire on the radio got cut. Betty Lou was workin over there and I don�t see how what she was doin woulda caused it. It was beautiful. It sounded like a thousand fiddles all playin at once. Almost like Dueling Banjo�s times ten. We did manage to run the cows off with Orange Blossom Special. You shoulda seen them it was hilarious. A herd of drunk cows all stumblin an bumpin into each other, They been lickin the walls around the windows. The milk was better�n moonshine. Bubba dried up 3 of them and at five gallons each. We never got a chance to try the goat milk. We had to tie them up. They kept eatin the cans. We thought at first it was some hybrid termites till we saw ther mouth bleedin. Well we gotter done. Took almost all the chicken wire from Mr Callies chicken house for the stucco screen and 3 truckloads of masonry cement for the stucco. Them curved cans take a lot of fillin. After it was all done we moved in. We did find out when the heater was on we got a few extry windows now and then but I assured Betty Lou they�d all pop sooner or later and it�d be over. Neighbors came from miles around to see the new spectacular innovation of a beer can house. And for some reason we had a flock of chickens surrounded the house. I think they wer Mr Callies huntin ther chicken wire, They could smell it in the walls. Of course a few of the roostin boxes wer used to frame the windows and doors. We had eggs in every window after that. Open the kitchen window and there was breakfast. At dinner we had fried chicken ala-window. At least we didn have to have a door bell. Chickens start squawkin we just went to the door. Bad thing was we wer up at 6 am whether we wanted to or not after the roosters found out the hens all come over here. We had to put a new roof on after the first year. We found out you don�t split the cans and try to make em like a tile roof. Any rain or hail you gotta leave the house it gets so noisy. And hot glue don�t work in the sun on aluminum cans. I still think the pop-a-tops make perty curtains. That was one of my greatest investments. A big city slicker done offered me $150,000 for it.Well you know what I done doncha? It�s now a night club after they came in and took all the paneling off the inside and exposed the beer cans. They still get a few injuries after drunk patrons try to pry what they thinks their drink outta the wall. The first month was chicken wings special dinner till they finally went through all the chickens. And a few weekends of Rooster Shoots by the out of town sportsmen cleaned all them out. They�re makin a ton of money off the cows they bought and selling the milk on a franchise callin it Past Yer Eyes Beer by feedin em barley and left over beer from customers. Now I have the money to proceed with my next project. That is if the court lets me have my money back. A lot. I mean a LOT of people that sued me over the years for damages when I was trying to help them or upgrade their equipment are coming outta the woodwork now. The Masked Writer � 2003 T Lovett |