| How to be a cowboy-or NOT: Lesson number one At 6 years old never lead a horsey lookin acha. Horsey step on foot. Horsey stop cause you stop. Horsey stands on foot. Foot hurts. 6 year old not know cusswords to remove horsey like uncle. Uncle gone to town. Uncle stay gone a looooong time. Uncle returns. Uncle cusses horsey and horsey moves letting 6 year old remove foot from hole in ground where it left deeeeep print. Lesson number two: Cowboy buys horsey. He thinks he�ll train him in the corral. Cowboy ready, horsey ready. Pull back on reins make horsey back up. Horsey no back up. Pull harder he thinks. Nope. Really pulls hard now. Horsey rears up, horsey fall over, rider shifts to one side and bare silver saddle horn makes a belly button in the ground beside rider. Rider is soooo relieved. UNTIL. Horsey not like this back layin chit so he decides to right himself. Horsey rolls over. WRONG WAY, WRONG WAY!!!!!!!! Twisted sister not got nuttin on this cowhand. Lookin like a tinker toy doll, head one direction, body the other, one arm up an the other down, one leg with boot on chest n the other straight out in front the cowboy unfolds himself and stands up. He bends to pick up his neckerchief and��.wait! that�s a hat and��.ahhhhhh there�s my glasses. Kinda opery lookin with the ear pieces folded down for a handle. Horsey still dizzy from layin on his back fawls on cowboy from behind and helps him straighten his glasses against the corral fence. Lesson number three: 5-1/2 ft horsey and 5-1/2 ft clothesline equal no rider. Rider lay down like ndn. Clothesline coming fast. Oops. Ndn no wear big buckles. Buckle catch clothesline and cowboy wears pants around his neck. Cowboy now still 6 ft tall but gots 5 ft legs. Hat, nose, buckle, leggggggggggs, n feet. Look ma. No clothes pins! Belts make kewl chokers. Cowboy has higher voice now. cowboy sings soprano high enuff only dogs can hear it. BUT!!!!! Cowboy still not learned his lesson. Cowboy still has reins in hand. Horsey hit the end of the reins and turns galloping back under the clothes line. Now cowboy can�t see horsey until horsey right under him with head low. Saddle horn rearranges things and snuggs things up even more finally freeing cowboy from his belt like hammock but this time makes furrow on his back. He not stupid. He been face down one other time. Well, maybe kinda stupid lets face it. Lesson number four: Never use a 16 ft. whip sitting onna horse. Whip is fine on the ground. Whip pops behind the whipper. Sittin on horsey he ( the horsey) becomes the whippee. Whip hits horsey in ass from behind rider. Horsey run like the dickens. Rider right behind horsey. Rider really should let go of the reins. Rider clears pasture of unwanted cacti and brush and makes a very nice irrigation ditch in the process. Sand polishes teeth to a dazzling white. Ut oh. Buckle again. Buckle catches sand. Rider now deploys cowboy parachute slowing his pace by having pants hang on spurs. Now there is a wide shallow ditch and dead center of it is a smaller narrower deeper ditch. (Do not. I repeat. Do not think of naked women in this process). Oops. I told ya not to think of that. Now lil ditch becomes much deeper. Lesson number five: When racing hard into the wind. Hair blowing in the breeze. Wide ope��.oops. fence ahead. Turn horsey, turn. Rider pulls reins. Horsey still runnin. Rider pulls harder. Horsey still runnin. RIDER PULLS REALLY HARD. Horsey not see fence now. Horsey head be lookin at rider face to face. Rider panics. Rider lets reins go. Horsey see fence. Horsey turns goin full speed. Rider turns goin half speed. Rider shines fence wire with body at an angle to make sure it is bright and shiny farther along the fence. Cowboy notices it gettin cooler. Cowboy sees little projections on wire. Like barbs. Cowboy is bleeding profusely from gashes. Only one thing saves private cowboy, I mean cowboy�s privates from damage and that is it�s between the top and second wire. That is until the post. Hitting the post twirls cowboy and frees him from his parallel direction with the fence but he now has a lefty from the post. Cowboy cripples home in pain. Cowboy sees horsey already home. Cowboy picks up rock and horsey goes to the barn. (horsey been thru this chit with clothes line AND whip accident.) Cowboy removes strips. Not strips and removes. Strips are all that is left of clothes. Cowboy washes legs and dries off. Burning still he wets towels and lays down with towels on legs. Cowboy wakes up 10 hours later and can�t move. Towels red/almost black and dried to legs. Cowboy hobbles painfully to bathroom for shower to loosen towels. Finally. Ahhhhhhh. Cold water. Yessssssss. Years later cowboy goes to beach. Cowboy tans. Cowboy looks like zebra. Many times horsey checks mailboxes with riders legs to see inside and I guess to check mail but he never stops. Just rips cowboys britches n legs AGAIN. Cowboyboy sells horsey. Cowboy is happy. See cowboy smile. And it only cost him $100. Well $750 countin the $650 he paid for him originally. He pays the man the $100 to take the horsey and mosey�s on back to the ranch. � by a real cowboy and one ignoramus horsey 2002 T Lovett ���.PS: all exaggerations have been removed. |