I have been asked many times if my stepdaughter calls me mom or by my first name. In my case, my stepdaughter calls me by my first name. I know many stepchildren who call their stepparents mom or dad. I also know many who call them by their first name. I honestly believe that what a stepchild calls their stepparent is fully about family dynamics. One of my parents was raised by a stepmom (the biological mom was not in the picture) and my parent loves their stepmom like a biomom. But due to my situation I can never have never have a mother daughter relationship with my stepdaughter. First off, the biological mother is way too manipulative, controlling and PASing. If she was out of the picture I would probably easily start treating my stepdaughter like a daughter knowing that she really had that need of a mother figure. But she has a mother and I am not her. Within the first 6 months of marriage, my stepdaughter started calling me "mom" and I was so excited because that was showing me that she was accepting my role in her life. Also a lot of other stepkids that we know call their stepparents mom or dad so it was natural for her to start doing so like her friends do.
Well, when I told my husband that she had called me mom I thought that he would be just as excited as me. He had been pushing me to do motherly things for my stepdaughter since we had gotten married. Well, he did NOT respond well. He freaked out, in fact. He told me that she could not call me mom. It's not like I asked her to call me mom, she just did it on her own! So the next time that she called me "mom" I got this look of terror on my face because I was afraid of my husband hearing her and freaking out on me again. It only took a few more times of her calling me mom and me looking terrified for her to stop doing it permanently.
I figured why should I try to act like her parent if my husband wouldn't even let her call me mom -- by her own free will? It was my stepdaughter's choice and not mine or his. Nobody asked or coerced her to call me that. Part of me feels like he stole something from me...what could have been a wonderful relationship with my stepdaughter. That really hurts. In my case, I cannot love my stepchild like my own mostly BECAUSE of my husband. Not that I can't have a good relationship with her -- I feel like I do have a good one with her. We love and respect each other, but I doubt that it will ever be like a mother daughter relationship.
If I had it to do over again I would not do anything to cause her to NOT want to call me anything that she chose to call me. If in the future she ever chose to call me mom again I will certainly respond happily and not let anyone affect how I react to that. If my husband or her mother want to tell her not to call me that, that is their decision. I will not be the one to tell her not to call me that (by my actions/facial expressions).
I think this topic is especially hard on me because I am a childless stepmom. I don't know if my husband will ever want to have children with me. My stepdaughter calling me mom five years ago may well be the only time anyone ever calls me mom... It hurts so much to know that I caused her to stop by my actions and my fear of my husband's (and the ex's) response.