Right after marriage, I felt like it was them (my stepdaughter and husband) and me, not my husband and I, or all of us. They already had their bond, they had all their routines, they had all their memories, they already had their whole life. I came into the home (we moved into a new place, nobody was infringing on anybody's territory) and they totally expected that I would just know what all their routines and rules were and just fit neatly into their little world. Shock of all shocks, I had my own ideas, my own ways of doing things, my own ideas of how children should behave (and not run the house), my own routines...and I did not fit into the cookie cutter that they had been expecting. I was made to feel like a bad person because I was different, I was made to feel that my ideas and the way that I do things were not just different, but WRONG.
It all felt so wrong to me. It felt wrong that my HUSBAND's bond was stronger with his daugther than with me, his wife. It felt wrong that I was constantly being made to feel like a bad person for being different. It felt wrong that my husband let his CHILD have more of a say in household matters than I did. It felt wrong that *I*, his wife, was expected to just go along with what the two of them wanted when he never made *her*, his CHILD go along with any plan that dh & I had made. If sd said no, then we didn't do it. If I said no, I got scolded. It felt wrong because it was wrong. When we marry a man with kids, the natural order of things is already screwed up. The natural order is that the husband and wife spend some time together (nature usually gives at least 9 months!) to get to know each other and to bond and forge a strong relationship. Then when the kids come along, the husband and wife are united and both get to start with the same children at the same time and they are able to help and support each other with the children and the children learn to love and respect the husband and wife at the same time and get to bond while they are babies. (Yeah, I know, in a perfect world.) We stepmoms miss out on all that and our marriages are off balance, at least for a little while, because of this because the order has been messed up. We have to work and fight for our bond and relationship with our husbands and we have to work and fight ten times harder for a bond and relationship with our stepkids...if we even want it!
But the good news is that if we do work hard, if we can have outside support (like a wonderful online support group!), if we can have patience and determination and long-suffering we can get our marriage to be bonded and loving. It's not easy and it's not quick. They say that a normal marriage takes about a year to feel like a family but that it takes stepfamilies FIVE years to feel like a family. I've been married five years and we mostly feel like a family (except that I don't consider my stepdaughter to be "mine") and it has been a long hard road. I have had to grow up a lot (I was still a child at 22 when I married fresh out of college) and learn a lot about myself, my husband, my stepdaughter, and stepfamilies in general. I have had to get help to get past my own issues from growing up in a divorced home full of emotional and verbal abuse.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's there, and I finally believe that I will make it out of this tunnel alive and in love with my husband. I went from being head-over-heals in love with him (when we were dating) to all out resentment and hatred (after dealing with all this stepcrap) in the last five years. We have been working through some issues and things have been steadily starting to improve (with valleys thrown in with the peaks) and now we are back to looking lovingly in each other's eyes and grabbing each other's rears. It's okay to tease each other again. He tells me numerous times every day that I am beautiful.
Yes, I have given up a lot. I've been put through a lot. I have put him through a lot. But, it finally looks like there is a pot of gold at the end of this. I'm sure that I will appreciate our love more than if we hadn't had to go through so much stuff to get here. I didn't think that we would ever get to this point. It's just a start, things aren't totally fixed. But it's a start, it's a light at the end of the tunnel, it's hope where there was none before. It's possible! We can still get what we missed even if we have to wait a while.