When I first got married I was blind-sided with everything revolving around my stepdaughter and feeling like I didn't matter at all. Unfortunately I didn't have a group like this for the first couple of years of my marriage. Be glad for the support and take the advice to heart. I can tell you a lot of DON'Ts because I probably did everything wrong for the first two years. But I have also learned a lot of DOs over the years as well. I'll share some with you.

DON'T:
Resent your stepkids
Resent your husband
Resent the whole situation
Expect your dh to understand your feelings
Keep all your feelings to yourself (find a supportive online stepparents group and work them out there and then share your feelings with your husband in a non-emotional way)
Allow yourself be disrespected by your husband or stepkids
Scream and throw things when you are at the end of your rope (come and vent to at your online group, that's what they are there for!)
Blame your husband for the hardships that come with being a stepmom
Blame your stepkids for the hardships
Keep a list of every way you have been hurt or sacrificed against them
Isolite yourself from friends and family
Be too hard on yourself -- being a stepmom is VERY hard!
Take things personally, your husband's & stepkid's problems are THEIR problems
Back away and feel sorry for yourself if you feel left out
Be jealous of their time together and/or affections shared (unless it is inappropriate)
Be jealous of the stepkids
Complain to your husband about the stepkids...it will only lead to your husband resenting you
Badmouth the ex or your husband to/in front of stepkids

DO:
Focus on the good that is around you
Focus on the good in the people around you
Spend time with your friends and family
Tell your husband & stepkids what you appreciate about them
Try to be as patient as possible
Come to your online support a lot!
Take lots of deep breaths
Make sure you eat well and exercise (it will help your outlook!)
Pick up some good books on stepfamilies and boundaries
Admit all your negative feelings (to your online group!) because if you keep them bottled up they will only get worse
Keep a sense of humor
Keep a private journal (I like LiveJournal)
Remember that you can only control yourself: actions, thoughts, words, etc.
Remember his child, ultimately HIS responsibility
Consider counseling -- make sure it is someone who deals with stepfamilies regularly, nothing's worse than a counselor that says: well you KNEW he had a child when you married him! That tells you that they have no clue!
Give them time to spend alone and make sure that you spend one-on-one time with both of them

Cool Steppie's Place

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