EVERYTHING changes! You wouldn't think so, but it really does. We didn't live together before we married, but I'm certain that we would have had the same issues after marrying whether we lived together or not.
For one, my stepdaughter thought that I was the greatest thing on earth and could not wait for us to get married. She was asking about it even before we were engaged. She wanted me along wherever they went together and always wanted me right by her side. She couldn't get enough of me. Then after we got married, she became possessive of her dad and started acting terribly towards me. It was like she was a completely different child. Suddenly after the marriage I was a threat, whereas I never was before the marriage.
My husband's ex changed completely after we married. She thought it was "cute" that he had a girlfriend and always made a big deal about it. Then after we got married, she flipped out and became the jealous green gaint. Keep in mind that she is the one who ended their marriage and remarried about 2 years before I ever even met him--I didn't GIVE her a reason to be jealous of me. She tried many different methods to break us up. Obviously none of them worked. She always used dh as her "back up" boyfriend and was always cheating on him. I think she was using him as her mental back-up in case her husband left her. I guess I ruined that for her--actually she ruined it for herself.
My husband changed quite a bit, too. When we were dating, everything that I did for his daughter was "so sweet," and "you didn't have to do that," and "thank you so much for thinking of her". Then after we got married, all I have heard is, "You don't do anything for my daughter," and "You don't think about her needs," and "When you married me did you even realize that I had a child??" What used to be appreciated is now the expectation and demand. I went from being thoughtful to not being good enough for his daughter.
I changed, too. When my stepdaughter was all over my husband and not giving me any room or time with him, I was jealous because she was infringing on what was mine. When we got married, I suddenly had a right to spend time with him when we were together with her and I had to fight for that right. Before we were married the time that I spent with them was time that I knew I was infringing on her time with him. We both had to figure out how to share that time since we both felt that we had equal rights to it after the marriage. I became angry at my stepdaughter, husband and his ex for their changes which were making my life miserable.
There is plenty more that changes after marriage, but I can say that the simple act of getting married and everyone getting new "roles" or "titles" (stepparent, stepchild...) really and truly does change everything. When I was a kid, my stepfather lived with us before he married my mom and I had no problems with him before they were married. But, once they were married something inside of me changed and I fought him every step of the way over every little thing. Suddenly I was threatened by him and his place in my life.
I can attest from both sides, stepparent and stepchild; and from living together before marriage and not living together before marriage that marriage changes absolutely everything!!
Why is this? It is because what had once been okay before to getting married was suddenly unacceptable. All of a sudden his ex went from being a jerk to my boyfriend to being a jerk to my husband and that was not cool at all. Also, my boyfriend's money had been his money and now it was "our" money...and the ex was getting a whole bunch of it! It was not cool to be giving her OUR money! Money that could be used towards our house, our vacations, our bills, our family, on us having a child of our own, even money that we could be spending on my stepdaughter. She spends the child support on herself (even though she makes a lot more money than we do!) and she demands that we pay for anything that she actually has to spend money on for my stepdaughter!
Stuff that I had been able to keep distant in my mind or even ignore when we were dating instantly became my problems. It started with the possesiveness of having that ex of his (another woman) in my terrirorty with my husband!! It felt like he was having an affair. It is something that I can't explain. The transition was extremely difficult. I know that without all of the step-mess that there is a huge adjustment between dating and getting married. It is like a switch is tripped and everything changes in your brain.
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