The alarm clock industry has made tremendous strides in dreaming up new ways of cultivating torturous environments for the sleep-deprived and the slothful. One must attribute this sudden increase of morning pain to the Japanese' inhuman creativity and sharpness in pushing out consumer electronics.

And so, one of my favourites on the market is the Japanese launch platform that hurls out errant helicopters during the 7:30 sound off. Very loud and very annoying. However one mustn’t discount the absolutely horrifying but equally effective devil-on-a-stick as showcased in an earlier post.

Now look here. This newly created alarm station is so incredibly vindictive that you just might mistake it as Japanese.

The Tyrant, as it is known, doubles the pain for the casual-snorer and inflicts dents on your social life in ways which Thor’s Hammer could never achieve. Sleep if you dare, but the evils of this white block extends its unholy grasp onto the private confines of your cellphone. In due time, your explosive snores and dirty sleep mumblings will be broadcasted to the various ladies (or dudes) in your life. Check and mate; your reputation handed to the sharks on a clean, silver platter. Undoubtedly, one could deal with this particular brand of rudeness the same way Garfield would: a toolbox item in either hand. And with each hammer strike’s descent, immerse yourself in the heart-warming sounds of what you do best… just like Alec Baldwin would on opening week of Jenga on Wii.

I have an even better design, one that trumps the most harsh morning treatments by several folds. An alarm clock which tilts the bed at an angle and unleashes a legion of big daddy hands on the rump of the unfortunate. Hard enough to prevent the scariest and dirtiest sleep mumbling on Earth (Fran, spank me harder) but gentle enough to reduce lawsuits into a worthless heap of frivolity. By comparison, this significantly sweetens the prospect of a hard day’s work. It’s called the Spider Monkey.