| -BORN ON DECEMBER 25, 1642 C.E. IN WOOLSTHORPE, ENGLAND. -HAD THE ROYAL SOCIETY OF ENGLAND INVESTIGATE WHETHER HE OR GOTTFRIED WILHELM LIEBNIZ, A GERMAN MATHEMATICIAN, WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO COME UP WITH THE THEORY OF CALCULUS. -HELD QUITE A LOT OF SPITE TOWARDS LIEBNIZ, AND WAS KNOWN TO FREQUENTLY MAKE DEROGATORY REMARKS ABOUT MR. LIEBNIZ. -FATHERED 12 CHILDREN FROM 11 DIFFERENT MOTHERS, WHOM HE BARELY KNEW. -LIKED TO BE CALLED THE "WOOLSTHORPE WOLVERINE." -COULD BENCH-PRESS 275 POUNDS. -3-TIME WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CALCULUS CHAMPION. -CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, THE STORY ABOUT HIM DISCOVERING GRAVITY AFTER AN APPLE FELL ON HIS HEAD WAS TRUE. WHAT IS NOT MENTIONED AS OFTEN IS THAT HE THREW THAT VERY APPLE THROUGH LIEBNIZ'S WINDOW AND KNOCKED HIM OUT. -COULD FINISH A SIX-PACK OF BEER IN 30 SECONDS FLAT. -HIS FINISHING MOVE WAS THE TOP-ROPE ELBOW DROP. -ONCE CALCULATED ALL THE DIGITS OF PI. TO CELEBRATE, HE BEAT LIEBNIZ UNCONSCIOUS WITH HIS OWN SHOES. -INVENTED THE "BEER BONG." -INVENTED THE "WOOLSTHORPE CLOVERLEAF," A WRESTLING SUBMISSION MOVE OF WHICH THE "TEXAS CLOVERLEAF" IS A DERIVATIVE. THE WOOLSTHORPE CLOVERLEAF IS SO BRUTAL, IT HAS OUTLAWED IN EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD WHERE THERE IS ANY DECENCY OR RESPECT FOR HUMANITY (NOTE: THE WOOLSTHORPE CLOVERLEAF IS STILL LEGAL IN ALABAMA AND PARTS OF GERMANY). HE WAS KNOWN TO FREQUENTLY USE THIS MOVE ON LIEBNIZ. -WAS THE BEST MAN AT LIEBIZ'S WEDDING. NEWTON SLEPT WITH THE BRIDE JUST TO SPITE LIEBNIZ. -ONCE MADE BEER COME OUT OF THE POPE'S NOSE. -USED CALCULUS TO PROVE KEPLER'S LAWS ABOUT THE ORBITS OF PLANETS. HE ALSO PROVED THAT KEPLER WORE WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR. -NAMED HIS DOG LIEBNIZ. |
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| BIOGRAPHY OF SIR ISAAC NEWTON |