Knock, Knock
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Old man
Old man who?
Old man who can't reach the door bell.
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Zaire
Zaire who?
Zaire air is polluted!
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Zany
Zany who?
Zany body home!
Doctor, Doctor...
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains.
Well pull yourself together then.
Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me.
One at a time please.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I�m invisible.
Who said that?
Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Let's hope nothing develops.
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?
Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes-here's a kite!
Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out!
Certainly, which way did you come in?
Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses.
You certainly do, Sir, this is a movie shop.
Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I'm busy!
Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar!
Have you taken anything for it?
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm turning into a frog.
Your just playing too much croquet!
Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar.
Well I can't believe that!
Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show?
Absolutely nothing!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito.
Go away, sucker!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber band.
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an electric eel.
That's shocking!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar.
Don't worry you'll soon change!
Blonde...
Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.
What's the difference between a blonde and a Boeing 747?
Not everyone's been in a Boeing 747!
Why do blondes like cars with adjustable steering wheels?
Because they like more head room.
Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house.
What do you call a hundred blondes stacked up on each other?
An air mattress.
What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.
How did the blonde die raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree!
What do a blonde and a car have in common?
They can both drive you crazy.
Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
A blonde tried to shoot her self?
Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe!
What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.
Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job?
He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!
What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college?
"Would you like fries with that?"
What is every blonde's ambition?
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Why did the blonde throw her clock out the window?
So she could see time fly!
Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.
There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette.
One day they all go to hell. The devil asks them if you don't laugh at any of my 100 jokes, then I will send you to heaven. The redhead laughs at the 25th joke. The brunette laughs at the 50th joke. The blonde was on the last joke and she started laughing. They all meat in a prison in hell. The redhead and the brunette ask the blonde "Why did you laugh on the last joke, you were doing so good?" The blonde says that she just got the first one.
One day a blonde, a redhead and a brunette get stuck on a island. If they escape they have to swim 200m. The redhead goes and gets rescued at 25m. The brunette goes and gets rescued at 50m. The blonde goes and stops at 100m and then goes back to the island. One day after blonde gets rescued, the redhead and brunette ask blonde: "Why did you go back?" The blonde replies "I got tired."
A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock. The blonde replied, "What for? Are you going to set it on fire!"
Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...
I only had one officer...
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
Hey, you must've been doing' about 200km/h to keep up with me! Good job!
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
True Stories...
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his
address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where
Vermont was.
As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or
anything, but what state is it in?"
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into
the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the
whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened.
He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to
make a sandwich.
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all
she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it
again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to
read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient could
open it and read it."
Funny Advertisements...
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more
laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the
cartoons and comic strips. These are REAL Advertisements:
1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.
Leave mess.
2 wire mesh butchering gloves, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with
golden fried onion rings.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the
owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
'93 Pontiac Lemons - low miles
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
Alzheimer's Center prepares for an affair to remember
Amana Washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
American Flag - 60 stars - pole included - $100
And now, the Superstore-- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled
inconvenience.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never
go anywhere again.
Bill's Septic Cleaning - "We haul American made products"
Charmin Ultra Bathroom Tissue-Boneless
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh
vegetables, salads, quiche.
Cute kitten for sale, 2 cents or best offer
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
Do something special for your Valentine - have your septic tank pumped.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Exercise equipment queen size mattress & box spring - $175.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
For Sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.
For Sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale-- Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair,
rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Found: dirty white dog... looks like a rat... been out awhile... better be
a reward.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bth home.
Free Puppies... part German Shepard part Dog
Free puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel - 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor Dog
Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 years old. Unpleasent little dog.
Frozen Soft & Gentle bath tissue - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS
Full Sized Mattress. 20 yr warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Fully cooked boneless smoked man - $2.09 lb.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and
salary.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Georgia Peaches - California Grown - 89 cents lb.
German Shepard. 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Get a Little John - the travelling urinal - holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.
Ground breast: 99 cents lb.
Hummels - largest selection ever - "If it's in stock, we have it!"
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and
Chopin.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer - $300.
Kittens 8 weeks old - seeking good Christian home.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Mother's helper-- peasant working conditions.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Nice parachute - never opened - used once - slightly stained
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it
really repellent.
Nordic Track $300 - hardly used - call Chubbie at:
Notice: To person or persons who took the large pumpkin on Highway 87 near
Southridge Storage. Please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may
be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
home, too.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
Open House - Body Shapers Toning Salon - Free coffee & donuts
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.
Our sofa seats the whole mob - and it's made of 100% Italian leather.
President's Choice - cow manure - 2 33lb bags - $5
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of
women wear nothing else.
Snow blower for sale... only used on snowy days.
So French, after one cup you'll want to go Oui, Oui.
Soft & Genital bath tissues or facial tissue - 89 cents
Stock up and save. Limit- one.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other
athletic facilities.
The most romantic love songs of the '50s: Including "16 Tons" by Tennessee
Ernie Ford
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and
Gardens.
Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, comes with it's own 1988 Mustang, 5L, auto,
excellent condition $6800
Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Hardly tickled. $700
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and
flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
burns toast.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
required.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and
be willing to get hands dirty.
Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Whirlpool build-in oven - frost free!
And these beauties from the radio:
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the
Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with
the big 7 on it and u-p after.
|Knock, Knock|
|Doctor, Doctor|
|Blonde|
|Things not to say to a cop|
|True Stories|
|Funny Advertisements|
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains.
Well pull yourself together then.
Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me.
One at a time please.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I�m invisible.
Who said that?
Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Let's hope nothing develops.
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?
Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes-here's a kite!
Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out!
Certainly, which way did you come in?
Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses.
You certainly do, Sir, this is a movie shop.
Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I'm busy!
Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar!
Have you taken anything for it?
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm turning into a frog.
Your just playing too much croquet!
Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar.
Well I can't believe that!
Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show?
Absolutely nothing!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito.
Go away, sucker!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber band.
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an electric eel.
That's shocking!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar.
Don't worry you'll soon change!
Blonde...
Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.
What's the difference between a blonde and a Boeing 747?
Not everyone's been in a Boeing 747!
Why do blondes like cars with adjustable steering wheels?
Because they like more head room.
Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house.
What do you call a hundred blondes stacked up on each other?
An air mattress.
What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.
How did the blonde die raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree!
What do a blonde and a car have in common?
They can both drive you crazy.
Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
A blonde tried to shoot her self?
Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe!
What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.
Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job?
He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!
What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college?
"Would you like fries with that?"
What is every blonde's ambition?
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Why did the blonde throw her clock out the window?
So she could see time fly!
Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.
There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette.
One day they all go to hell. The devil asks them if you don't laugh at any of my 100 jokes, then I will send you to heaven. The redhead laughs at the 25th joke. The brunette laughs at the 50th joke. The blonde was on the last joke and she started laughing. They all meat in a prison in hell. The redhead and the brunette ask the blonde "Why did you laugh on the last joke, you were doing so good?" The blonde says that she just got the first one.
One day a blonde, a redhead and a brunette get stuck on a island. If they escape they have to swim 200m. The redhead goes and gets rescued at 25m. The brunette goes and gets rescued at 50m. The blonde goes and stops at 100m and then goes back to the island. One day after blonde gets rescued, the redhead and brunette ask blonde: "Why did you go back?" The blonde replies "I got tired."
A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock. The blonde replied, "What for? Are you going to set it on fire!"
Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...
I only had one officer...
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
Hey, you must've been doing' about 200km/h to keep up with me! Good job!
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
True Stories...
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his
address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where
Vermont was.
As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or
anything, but what state is it in?"
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into
the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the
whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened.
He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to
make a sandwich.
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all
she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it
again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to
read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient could
open it and read it."
Funny Advertisements...
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more
laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the
cartoons and comic strips. These are REAL Advertisements:
1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.
Leave mess.
2 wire mesh butchering gloves, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with
golden fried onion rings.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the
owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
'93 Pontiac Lemons - low miles
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
Alzheimer's Center prepares for an affair to remember
Amana Washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
American Flag - 60 stars - pole included - $100
And now, the Superstore-- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled
inconvenience.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never
go anywhere again.
Bill's Septic Cleaning - "We haul American made products"
Charmin Ultra Bathroom Tissue-Boneless
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh
vegetables, salads, quiche.
Cute kitten for sale, 2 cents or best offer
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
Do something special for your Valentine - have your septic tank pumped.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Exercise equipment queen size mattress & box spring - $175.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
For Sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.
For Sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale-- Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair,
rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Found: dirty white dog... looks like a rat... been out awhile... better be
a reward.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bth home.
Free Puppies... part German Shepard part Dog
Free puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel - 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor Dog
Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 years old. Unpleasent little dog.
Frozen Soft & Gentle bath tissue - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS
Full Sized Mattress. 20 yr warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Fully cooked boneless smoked man - $2.09 lb.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and
salary.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Georgia Peaches - California Grown - 89 cents lb.
German Shepard. 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Get a Little John - the travelling urinal - holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.
Ground breast: 99 cents lb.
Hummels - largest selection ever - "If it's in stock, we have it!"
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and
Chopin.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer - $300.
Kittens 8 weeks old - seeking good Christian home.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Mother's helper-- peasant working conditions.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Nice parachute - never opened - used once - slightly stained
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it
really repellent.
Nordic Track $300 - hardly used - call Chubbie at:
Notice: To person or persons who took the large pumpkin on Highway 87 near
Southridge Storage. Please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may
be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
home, too.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
Open House - Body Shapers Toning Salon - Free coffee & donuts
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.
Our sofa seats the whole mob - and it's made of 100% Italian leather.
President's Choice - cow manure - 2 33lb bags - $5
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of
women wear nothing else.
Snow blower for sale... only used on snowy days.
So French, after one cup you'll want to go Oui, Oui.
Soft & Genital bath tissues or facial tissue - 89 cents
Stock up and save. Limit- one.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other
athletic facilities.
The most romantic love songs of the '50s: Including "16 Tons" by Tennessee
Ernie Ford
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and
Gardens.
Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, comes with it's own 1988 Mustang, 5L, auto,
excellent condition $6800
Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Hardly tickled. $700
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and
flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
burns toast.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
required.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and
be willing to get hands dirty.
Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Whirlpool build-in oven - frost free!
And these beauties from the radio:
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the
Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with
the big 7 on it and u-p after.
|Knock, Knock|
|Doctor, Doctor|
|Blonde|
|Things not to say to a cop|
|True Stories|
|Funny Advertisements|
I only had one officer...
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
Hey, you must've been doing' about 200km/h to keep up with me! Good job!
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
True Stories...
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his
address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where
Vermont was.
As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or
anything, but what state is it in?"
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into
the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the
whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened.
He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to
make a sandwich.
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all
she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it
again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to
read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient could
open it and read it."
Funny Advertisements...
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more
laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the
cartoons and comic strips. These are REAL Advertisements:
1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.
Leave mess.
2 wire mesh butchering gloves, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with
golden fried onion rings.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the
owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
'93 Pontiac Lemons - low miles
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
Alzheimer's Center prepares for an affair to remember
Amana Washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
American Flag - 60 stars - pole included - $100
And now, the Superstore-- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled
inconvenience.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never
go anywhere again.
Bill's Septic Cleaning - "We haul American made products"
Charmin Ultra Bathroom Tissue-Boneless
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh
vegetables, salads, quiche.
Cute kitten for sale, 2 cents or best offer
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
Do something special for your Valentine - have your septic tank pumped.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Exercise equipment queen size mattress & box spring - $175.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
For Sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.
For Sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale-- Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair,
rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Found: dirty white dog... looks like a rat... been out awhile... better be
a reward.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bth home.
Free Puppies... part German Shepard part Dog
Free puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel - 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor Dog
Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 years old. Unpleasent little dog.
Frozen Soft & Gentle bath tissue - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS
Full Sized Mattress. 20 yr warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Fully cooked boneless smoked man - $2.09 lb.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and
salary.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Georgia Peaches - California Grown - 89 cents lb.
German Shepard. 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Get a Little John - the travelling urinal - holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.
Ground breast: 99 cents lb.
Hummels - largest selection ever - "If it's in stock, we have it!"
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and
Chopin.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer - $300.
Kittens 8 weeks old - seeking good Christian home.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Mother's helper-- peasant working conditions.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Nice parachute - never opened - used once - slightly stained
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it
really repellent.
Nordic Track $300 - hardly used - call Chubbie at:
Notice: To person or persons who took the large pumpkin on Highway 87 near
Southridge Storage. Please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may
be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
home, too.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
Open House - Body Shapers Toning Salon - Free coffee & donuts
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.
Our sofa seats the whole mob - and it's made of 100% Italian leather.
President's Choice - cow manure - 2 33lb bags - $5
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of
women wear nothing else.
Snow blower for sale... only used on snowy days.
So French, after one cup you'll want to go Oui, Oui.
Soft & Genital bath tissues or facial tissue - 89 cents
Stock up and save. Limit- one.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other
athletic facilities.
The most romantic love songs of the '50s: Including "16 Tons" by Tennessee
Ernie Ford
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and
Gardens.
Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, comes with it's own 1988 Mustang, 5L, auto,
excellent condition $6800
Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Hardly tickled. $700
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and
flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
burns toast.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
required.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and
be willing to get hands dirty.
Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Whirlpool build-in oven - frost free!
And these beauties from the radio:
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the
Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with
the big 7 on it and u-p after.
|Knock, Knock|
|Doctor, Doctor|
|Blonde|
|Things not to say to a cop|
|True Stories|
|Funny Advertisements|
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips. These are REAL Advertisements:
1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
2 wire mesh butchering gloves, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
'93 Pontiac Lemons - low miles
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Alzheimer's Center prepares for an affair to remember
Amana Washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
American Flag - 60 stars - pole included - $100
And now, the Superstore-- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Bill's Septic Cleaning - "We haul American made products"
Charmin Ultra Bathroom Tissue-Boneless
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.
Cute kitten for sale, 2 cents or best offer
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
Do something special for your Valentine - have your septic tank pumped.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Exercise equipment queen size mattress & box spring - $175.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
For Sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
For Sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale-- Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Found: dirty white dog... looks like a rat... been out awhile... better be a reward.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bth home.
Free Puppies... part German Shepard part Dog
Free puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel - 1/2 Sneaky Neighbor Dog
Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 years old. Unpleasent little dog.
Frozen Soft & Gentle bath tissue - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS
Full Sized Mattress. 20 yr warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Fully cooked boneless smoked man - $2.09 lb.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Georgia Peaches - California Grown - 89 cents lb.
German Shepard. 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Get a Little John - the travelling urinal - holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.
Ground breast: 99 cents lb.
Hummels - largest selection ever - "If it's in stock, we have it!"
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer - $300.
Kittens 8 weeks old - seeking good Christian home.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Mother's helper-- peasant working conditions.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Nice parachute - never opened - used once - slightly stained
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
Nordic Track $300 - hardly used - call Chubbie at:
Notice: To person or persons who took the large pumpkin on Highway 87 near Southridge Storage. Please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
Open House - Body Shapers Toning Salon - Free coffee & donuts
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our sofa seats the whole mob - and it's made of 100% Italian leather.
President's Choice - cow manure - 2 33lb bags - $5
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Snow blower for sale... only used on snowy days.
So French, after one cup you'll want to go Oui, Oui.
Soft & Genital bath tissues or facial tissue - 89 cents
Stock up and save. Limit- one.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
The most romantic love songs of the '50s: Including "16 Tons" by Tennessee Ernie Ford
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, comes with it's own 1988 Mustang, 5L, auto, excellent condition $6800
Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Hardly tickled. $700
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Whirlpool build-in oven - frost free!
And these beauties from the radio:
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.