Peter Parker was having a normal day in the neighborhood. Normal for
his non-alter ego, that is. Nothing was happening that might sway him
to transform into his alter-ego: Spider Man (but you didn�t hear that
from me). He decided it might be a good idea to stroll the streets,
just to keep an eye on things. Suddenly a figure appeared behind him.
"Peter!" said a voice.
"I�m not Spider Man!"
said Peter. He turned and saw it was his friend Steve.
"Huh?" Steve said.
"Uh� nothing," Peter answered. "What�s up?"
"I dunno. I feel like trouble�s brewin'. Ever get that feeling?"
"Why should I get that feeling? What are you saying? That I�m some kind of super hero? Is that what you�re saying?" Peter demanded.
"Take it easy, man. I just got that feeling and I thought you might,
too. No reason for me to ask."
"Oh. Ok. I�m not Spider Man, you know.�
"Ok, Pete. I�ve gotta get going. I�ll see ya later."
"See ya."
Peter didn�t know what Steve
meant when he thought trouble was brewin'. But he did know that he
wanted a pretzel and there was a stand across the street. As he started
for the crosswalk, he heard a familiar voice behind him. "Peter Parker!"
I know that voice� evil is afoot.
"What seek you, fiend!� He turned, preparing to fight the enemy as Spider Man: superhero of the century.
"You stood me up,
you jerk!" It was his new girlfriend Gertie. He almost forgot who she was.
"Oh. Hi, Gertie. What�s up?"
"You never came last night. I hate you. Did you even remember that we had a date?"
He couldn't tell her why he had stood her up. He was out fighting a sinister villain, and telling her the truth would spoil his heroic identity. "Who said anything about Spider Man?" Peter asked.
"Nobody did. What�s wrong with you? Do you have multiple personalities? I don�t even know who you are anymore."
"Why should I have multiple personalities? What gave you that idea? Who did you talk to? I want some answers. Speak, fool!"
"You�re crazy. I�m leaving. Call me when you get out of the institution." And she left. It was now time to stalk the pretzel stand. He started to walk toward his prey when his cell phone rang. "Who is this?" he answered.
"It�s Dennis. Did you finish those files?"
"Files? Who do you
think I am? You gave them to me five minutes ago, I could never finish
them by now. I�m not a super hero, like Spider Man or something. Did
you hear me? I�M NOT SPIDER MAN!"
"Ok
first of all," said Dennis. "I gave you those files two months ago.
Second of all, I don't care if you are Spider Man, I want those files. Get them to me by Friday or you�re out." Dennis hung up.
"Pretzel! Nothing will stop me now."
Pete began to cross the street (at the crosswalk because Spider Man obeys traffic rules), becoming more and more excited at the thought of munching on a delicious city street pretzel. But just as he reached the middle of the road, a mighty wind began to blow. And it got mightier and mightier.
Hmm, thought Peter. That's a mighty wind like I never felt. And it's not the prevailing westerlies. As the mighty wind grew and grew, the city was being swept away. Buildings and people and horses took to flight like geese. Peter realized whose job this was, and morphed himself into Spider Man (Don't be fooled. He just changed his clothes). He grasped onto a stable mailbox and searched the scene for the source of the foul gusts. Suddenly there emerged on the horizon a figure like a giant fan.
"Har har har har har har," said the beast. At this, Spider Man knew who the tyrant was. "Spider Fan!" he said. "You poser!"
"That's right. Well, not the poser part, but I am Spider Fan. And I'm here to blast you out of town with my mighty winds. Be gone, you puny buttface!" And with that, Spider Fan turned his knob to high, laughing all the way. Spider Man couldn't hold on much longer. He knew he had to stop the poser Spider Fan. But how? His only idea was to turn his switch off, but that would only stop him temporarily. How could this malevolent Fan be stopped forever, so Spider Man could continue to be famous yet unknown in the massive metropolis? ......
So with all the strength and web he could muster, Spider Man swooped in and turned off Spider Fan. The sinister villain was quite confused at first, but then he became wise to Spider Man's doings. But it was too late for the Fan to fight back. Spider Man had dashed away to secure the Master Plan.....
After much thought, pondering, and wondering whether the pretzel vendor was all right, he finally conjured the Scheme of Doom. He would have the vicious Fan shipped to Antarctica. They don't need fans there. Because, you know, it's cold all the time. Spider Man laughed with pride at his ingenius plan. Now all he needed was postage. He soared into the local post office, where he stood in line for a while, making small talk and signing autographs and catching a stamp theif. Finally, he reached the front of the line, where he purchased enough stamps to send a giant Fan to the chilled land of Antarctica. He quickly made his way back to the blustery scene, where Spider Fan was already trying to take over the world.
"Hey, Spider Fake!" taunted Spider Man. "I have a delivery for ya! Ha ha haaaa!"
"What do you want, Spider Has-been? I'm a little busy," said Spider Fan. Spider Man rushed in and placed all the postage he had purchased onto the Fan.
"Wha... What's this?" Spider Fan said, fear rising in his mechanisms. Spider Man laughed: "Ahh haaaa!"
Then out of the dust came a mob of angry postmen, waving their mailbags and their fists. "Yaaaaaahhh!" screamed they. The mob of postal workers fought the tremendous gusts and carried the Fan with all their might, dragging him to the post office, where he would promptly be transported to Antarctica.
"Noooooo!" cried the Fan, as he was carried off to face his cursed destiny. "I'm ruined! Ruined! I'll get you Spider Man! I'll get yoooouuuu!"
Spider Man grinned as Spider Fan passed out of sight.
"I guess we all know the lesson here: a fan is never a fan until he's shipped to Antarctica, first class. Now gimme a pretzel, ya chump."
Then they all laughed and went home.