There's a lot of good stuff in the world, believe it or not. Good people, good music, good food, Good Times... but then there's also a few bad things going on. So I figured I'd warn you about them before you're ensnared. Then we can rejoice about the good things, too. Have a blast with my free speech.



Football
Cell Phones
Japanimation
Emo (the music)
The Cinema




Football

     Football is one of the things I shall never understand, or like for that matter. On average, it makes zero sense. Yet for some reason, America loves it. Apparently it's some sort of patriotism to like football. It's beyond me why people would enjoy watching 22 people wearing colors that would only ever match if they were on a jersey chasing each other around for 10 seconds at a time. Then they stop, stand around for a half hour, line up for another 15 minutes, then finally they get to chase each other around for 10 more seconds (and that's being generous). Enter 5 minute commercial break, which is interrupted by two guys who get to color on the screen, recapping the plays we've already seen in instant replay 40,000 times. Two or three weeks later, the game ends, with another recap and 3 hours of both coaches yakking about the stuff the whole world has already heard about (apparently they haven't heard of the Internet.) And I figure the only reason why touch-downs equal six points a piece is they want you to feel like you've done more than you actually have. In reality, average scores would be something like 3-2 or 6-5. At least soccer and hockey are honest about how many points the teams earn. Then... THEN they insist on doing all of this during the Simpsons. The dirty rotten thieves!

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Cell Phones

     You know how some comedians talk about how much they love something, but in reality they genuinely hate it? Well, I love cell phones. I think it's hilarious how ordinary people think they need to carry around a phone (a PHONE!) with them at all times. They're insisting that they're so popular and needed that if the whole world can't contact them in some way at any given time, we're all going to die. I mean, the whole reason I leave the house is so I can get away from the phone. "That phone already rang once, I'm not dealing with it again. See ya later." So why would I want a ringing distraction in my pocket all the time? That's what answering machines and e-mail are for. Then there's the whole "ring tone" deal. They have to play songs because they think they're less annoying than actual rings. I love when I'm sitting in the library and all of a sudden I hear "Get Your Freak On," in high pitched tones that sound like those tiny keyboards with the candy in them. All of this followed by "Hello? Hey, what's up? Yeah... uh-huh... HAHAHAHA... really? She told me it was at 6... HAHAHAHA..." Sometimes when I'm in the library, they're nice and say to the other person "I'm in the library," thinking they're whispering, but they really aren't. They can't. They'd never be heard. Otherwise they'd have to do the cell phone ritual dance, where they walk around in odd patterns and chant, "Can you hear me? Hello? Hello?" The cell phone gods only allow certain places to have service, and the Chosen Ones have to find out where they are: "I can't get service between these two mountains, but if we turn due east, park on the right, walk 30 paces north, kneel down by the tree at 78 longitude and hold my left arm in the air, I can still get calls on my free minutes." Sounds like a lot of fun. Where do I sign my life away?

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Japanimation


     You've seen it on Pokemon and at obscure Cartoon Network times. It's the notorious Japanese Animation/Japanimation/Japanime/Anime. And it's wildly popular among high school misfits. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it's the lack of synchronism in the voice track. Maybe it's because there are weird "boing" sound effects, even when space ships are crashing and cities are burning. Maybe they like how they have really tiny mouths one second, then all of a sudden they swallow the screen. None of it really makes any sense, but then again, not a lot of popular things do. I'm not bashing the Japanese in any way. Holy cow, they've got the best economic system in the world, their technology is space-age, and for cryin' out loud, they gave us Play Station. We should all be very grateful to Japan, even though their animation is a little screwy.

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Emo

     Okay, guys. It's really time to chill out. Emotions are good, yes, but there's a thin line between being expressive and spastic. As much as girls say they like a senstive guy, they're lying. Crying and singing at the same time isn't gonna win her back. It's a little scary; feminine sides should only be lightly touched. That's all I have to say about that.

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The Cinema

     The movies are by far one of the world's greatest inventions. No, I really mean it. If we didn't have movies, there'd be a lot of people without jobs, way too few famous people, and I bet they never would have bothered with the whole DVD idea. While movies in general are good, the planet is suffering from an overabundance of stupid films. You know that they're stupid because they win an Oscar. Take the movie Chicago, for example. Three random celebrities were told to pretend to sing, dance, and kill their wives, and all of a sudden it's a smash hit? For shame, Hollywood. If musicals were meant to be on the big screen, they never would have originated on the big stage. All it means is a cheap outlet to buying a critically acclaimed soundtrack of the musical. The same goes for Moulin Rouge. What was that? It was a headache, that's what it was. I hated it before I even saw it, and when I finally ventured to watch it, I couldn't watch more than a half hour. It was obnoxious chaos, though I give props to the always-talented Ewan McGregor. It's these monstrosities that tend to overtake the genuinely good movies. Apparently everyone had so many show tunes in their heads that they forgot all about Lord of the Rings. Now that, my friends, is what film-making is all about. It takes intelligence and originality to pull that off, something that movie-goers in this day and age obviously have no capacity for. Unless you can prove me wrong.

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