This past year, I was interviewed on NRC's 20/50 (they don't have perfect sight, like they do on 20/20). Since it was one of TV's best kept secrets, I figured that by now you must be dying to read the transcript. Well, die no more, cuz here it is, you jerk.


Barbara: Thanks for being with us today, Beth.
Beth: I didn't think I had a choice.
Barbara: In fact, you didn't. Let's get down to business. You're not a celebrity at all. How does that feel, now that you've had some time to reflect on it?
Beth: Well, sometimes it's hard to believe, you know. I always ask myself what I did to deserve such an honorable position. I mean, I just lived my life, and all of a sudden, BAM. I'm not famous.
Barbara: How long have you known this?
Beth: It took me awhile at first. At least until I started talking.
Barbara: Wow. It must have been a real shock.
Beth: Yyyyyeah.
Barbara: In the wake of such an intense, hectic lifestyle, how do you find time for family?
Beth: That hasn't been so much of a challenge. I just make sure I'm being really, really lazy. But I do have a hard time finding time to spend with my cats, the Captain and Smee. I don't want them to feel underappreciated, but it's hard sometimes, being lazy and annoying my family all the time. I'm actually reading a book by Stan Smithsony called Finding Time for Your Pets in a Capitalist Nation, and it's really been an eye opener in that area of my life.
Barbara: Sounds like you're working on a little self-improvement. Which brings me to our next topic. You've been known to take on extraordinary tasks and projects, like banning the game "Duck Duck Goose," filming a documentary on your dad, and opening your own Avril Lavigne tribute shop just for the satisfaction of burning it down. Have you taken on any new challenges lately?
Beth: Yeah, I just started building a rocket ship made entirely of orange peels. I've been reading up on the aerodynamic capacities of fruit skins. Citric acid makes for a great fuel thrust, so I should be able to send a spool of thread from here to Tyler, PA. So that should be good. I'm also writing a novel called The Magic of Sarcasm. I'm trying to get Mike Nelson to write the introduction, but it's hard to get ahold of that guy. Jeez.
Barbara: Marvelous, simply marvelous.
Beth: Well, doy.
Barbara: Let's talk about your lifestyle, the one behind all the glitz and glamour of being an average person. You recently suffered a great loss. Tell us about that.
Beth: I haven't really gone public with this yet, since it just happened and it's hard to talk about. But for the sake of ratings and the use of emotion to attract more viewers, I'll tell you. Just the other night, I accidently ripped the head off my favorite stuffed animal in my sleep.
Barbara: Ha ha ha haaaa!
Beth: It's not funny, you heartless wench!
Barbara: Just a second... Haa haaaaaa! Ok, continue. Here, have some gummy worms
Beth: Woah, my favorite. Thanks. Anyhoo, I woke up the next day to the shock of my life. There was nothing I could do. I can't sew. I gazed at his severed head, helpless, motionless.
Barbara: Then what happened?
Beth: Well, I told my friend Stan, and she said she'd sew him for me. It's just a matter of time now. He'll pull through, but it won't be easy. Physical therapy will be the hardest for him, but in the end, we'll all have learned a valuable lesson.
Barbara: And what's that?
Beth: Um... to... never... wait, always... uhh...
Barbara: Well, we really appreciate you being here. That's all the time we have for now, but I hope you'll keep in touch, and let us know how the rocket ship, the novel, and your little stuffed animal are coming along.
Beth: He's a dog.
Barbara: Fine. Talk to you later.
Beth: Bye now.


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