The Kevin Federline Story
inspired by KFed's adorable but ultimately dumb notion that people care
about his life
[Kevin's childhood home]
Kevin, age 5: Mama! I'm gonna be a big rap star!
Kevin's mother: Boy, you'd better find yourself a rich wife.
[the mean streets of Pansy Back-Up Dancer Land]
Kevin: [dances]
Producer: Come dance in this movie!
Kevin: Aight. [dances in You Got Served]
Manager: Dance on the Britney Spears tour!
Kevin: Aight. [dances for Britney's Onyx Hotel tour]
Kevin's mother's disembodied voice from long long ago: Boy, you'd better get
yourself a rich wife.
Kevin: THAT'S IT!
[The Land of "Oh, Shit, You Actually Slept With Him? More than Once?"]
Kevin: Bye, kids. Daddy's going to go mooch off somebody more famous than Mommy.
Shar Jackson: Fine! I'm going to go date Quentin Tarantino to freak everyone
out, then I'll get around to being ironic and date that guy Britney married
before you!
Kaleb: So which one's not the crazy parent?
Kori: I have no idea, but I'm guessing we should probably start living with
Grandma soon.
[Britney Spears' European leg of the Onyx Hotel tour]
Britney: OMG HOTTIE.
Kevin: OMG RICH HOTTIE.
Britney: LET'S GET MARRIED AND MAKE BABIES.
Kevin: AND HAVE A REALITY SHOW BECAUSE I'M A GIANT PRESS WHORE.
Anna: I TOTALLY DIDN'T WATCH THAT SHOW SHUT UP.
[sooper sekrit serprize weddin', y'all]
Britney and Kevin: [marries]
World: [cries]
Vegas: [starting taking bets on the divorce date]
[Chez Spears-Federline]
Britney: Look! Baby! Let's name him Sean!
Kevin: Watch me be an awesome dad and never be seen with the kid!
Sean: I'm out, y'all. [jumps from high chair]
[Recording Studio of Doom]
Kevin: [raps]
Baby Jesus: [cries]
God: [too upset about his infant son to deal with this mess]
World: [cries harder, then implodes from the eventual Kevin Federline/Paris
Hilton duet]
THE END, Y'ALL.