Behind the Helmet
Star Wars © Lucasfilm
'Behind the Music' © VH1

Act I
[the words ASTHMA, DOMINATION, SHINY BOOTS, COOL CAPE, and OMINOUS MUSICAL THEMES all flash across the screen]
Narrator. Tonight, on "Behind the Helmet," we take a look at the life of Darth Vader, a threat to all, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
[pictures of Anakin as a little boy appear]
Narrator. Darth Vader, born Anakin Skywalker, lived on the desert planet of Tattooine. The small planet was not part of the Republic, but rather run by the notorious Hutts. Anakin worked as a slave in a small parts shop. His mother was also a slave.
Darth Vader. It was a hard life. But you lived it. You didn’t have a choice. [breathes loudly] What do you mean, ‘My breathing is disturbing the sound equipment. [beep] the [beep]ing sound equipment! I’m telling my goddamn life story! Why you little... [pinches thumb and forefinger together]
[Choking noise. The boom mic falls with an audible thump. Cut to more snapshots]
Narrator. But Anakin did not have to endure this hard life for long. A Jedi, named Qui-Gon Jinn found him, and set him free.
Darth Vader. He won me, I heard, from Watto. I was very grateful.
Obi-Wan Kenobi. I was apprehensive of his gambling at first. I was young. But it all worked out in the end. I’m still not sure if I’m happy about that or not.
Narrator. Anakin went to Jedi training school. But the dust accumulated in his lungs did not bode well.
Yoda. Breathe well, he did not. Asthma, he had. Special breathing apparatus, he needed. Made fun of, he was.
Narrator. It was this special breathing apparatus that drove him to the edge of evil, and hurled him off of it.
Darth Vader. Kids made fun of me. It was hard. So I got a cool helmet. Kids considered me a freak. So I grew resentful. I became alienated.
Narrator. But one student was not so easily alienated. A romance blossomed between Anakin and Star. Coming up on 'Behind the Helmet'.

Act II
Narrator. Anakin and Star married soon after graduating from the Jedi Academy.
Darth Vader. We kept the whole thing quiet. It was looked down upon, marriage.
Star Skywalker. Oh, yeah, it was bad. But we were rebels or some naive [beep].
Darth Vader. We thought we knew what we wanted out of life.  
Narrator. This life proved fodder for two trilogies. But like all movies, somewhere they strayed from the truth.
Darth Vader. Oh, those movie? Yeah. They're all bull[beep]. I don’t know anyone named Padmé. You know how it goes: you sign your life away and suddenly it isn't yours anymore. [brief pause] The actress was pretty hot, though.
Narrator. Star soon found herself pregnant with twins: Luke and Leia.
Darth Vader. The kids? Oh, we were thrilled. We were starting a family. We thought our dreams were all coming true.
Narrator. The honeymoon was soon over.
Star Skywalker. It wasn't that I stopped loving Anakin. I just stopped liking him.
Darth Vader. Did she bring up the fact that she started liking some other guy she met at a bar after the kids were born?
Narrator. Anakin soon filed for divorce, citing 'irreconcilable differences'.
Darth Vader. We could have reconciled them... if she kept it in her pants.
Star Skywalker. I would have kept it in my pants if he would have been home a little more often.
Narrator. With two children to care for and a nasty divorce proceeding, Anakin Skywalker was in for a long battle. Coming up on 'Behind the Helmet'. 

Act III
Narrator. Growing up with a father like Anakin Skywalker proved an interesting experience for his children.
Leia. Dad wasn’t so horrible. Sure, that helmet was kinda weird, but you got used to it.
Darth Vader. I love Leia. She was a good kid.
Luke. My dad was tough. He was strict, and made you follow through. It made me tough.
Darth Vader. He's my son, and I love him, but Luke was a pansy. Still is.
Luke. I loved my dad, though. And I think we still have a good relationship.
Darth Vader. He’s such a Nancy-boy. You’ve seen him, right? You’ve seen how pathetic he is?
Luke. Dad loves me, in his way.
Darth Vader. I would not hang out with him willingly.
Leia. Oh, God, yeah, Dad hated Luke. I mean, he loved him, but he hated him. You know what I mean? Luke, though... Luke's sweetly stupid.
Narrator. The two grew up on Aldaraan, and Leia was elected princess. Anakin changed his name to Darth Vader, and then he took over the galaxy. They all lived happily ever after. The end.
[credits roll]

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