The Village For Less Than $8.75
(or, Yes, I Know I'm Ripping Off M15M, and Rather Poorly. Apologies in Advance.)

[in a graveyard]
Boy: *is dead*
Father: *is sad*
Gravestone: *tells audience the year is 1897*
Villagers: *stand in front of camera*

[on a porch]
Girls: *sweeping*
Flower: *is red*
Girls: TEH EVEL!!!1 *bury flower*
Flower: *muffled* Discrimination! Colorists! Oppressors of my uniqueness!

[at dinner]
Edward Walker: Blah blah blah.
Creatures: Hey! You kids want to keep that down out there! Some of us are trying to sleep!
Villagers: *are scared*
Noah: *is retarded*

[at the Council of Elrond Elders]
Lucius Hunt: I'm pretty.
Elders: Did you come here for a reason?
Lucius: Oh, yeah. *reads from paper* I want to go into the forest and get some medicine from the towns, if that's cool with you.
Elders: Fuck no.
Lucius: You people suck.

[outsider]
Children: *in a circle*
Edward: What's that?
Children: Dead thing.
Dead thing: *is dead*
Edward: Oh. Um... how did it get there?
Children: The fuck we know, Gramps.

[in schoolhouse]
Edward: So, who did it?
Girl: Those We Do Not Speak Of, though we're speaking of them now.
Edward: Well, there hasn't been an incident like this for several years. I know far too much on the subject, but I'm a schoolteacher and hopefully, you all just assume that that is the reason for my knowing too much.
Children: ...when's recess?

[at the town meeting]
Alice Hunt: Well, another dead thing was found, but since they don't come into our village, it's probably a coyote.
Villagers: *are naive* Spiffing! Let's go do 1897-y stuff!

[Alice Hunt's place]
Lucius: Edward has the hots for you.
Alice: Does not.
Lucius: Does so. I know this because he won't touch you.
Box: *rings*
Lucius: *looks up at box*
Audience: *doesn't notice, because everyone too busy looking around for the guilty-looking fuckass who left their phone on*
Lucius: Hey, what's in the box, Mom?
Audience: What box?
Alice: ...nothing.
Lucius: Cool, let's open it.
Alice: Let's not and say we did.
Lucius: Why can't I go to the towns?
Alice: I don't really have an answer for that, but instead, I'll tell you how your father died!
Lucius: Whatever. I'm helping the guy from Murder by Numbers keep watch. Don't wait up.

[at the stump]
Boy 1: *standing on stump* I want my mommy!
Boy 2: Just hang on a minute! And stop wrinkling my shirt!
Boy 3: *is just there*
Creatures: Hey, you kids! Get off my lawn! Don't make me get the hose!
Boy 1: AHH!! *runs awaaaaay!*
All: *run awaaaaaay! as well*

[in a tower]
Guy from Murder By Numbers: *is bored*
Lucius: *is pretty*
Guy from Murder By Numbers: Thanks with this, by the way.
Lucius: Welcome. Though this is a total waste of film.
Guy from Murder By Numbers: Yep. Hey, why do you want to go to the towns?
Lucius: Because they aren't here.
Guy from Murder By Numbers: I wouldn't go. They're bad places.
Lucius: That's nice.
Me: Who the hell picked marigold, of all colors?

[at Lucius's place]
Kitty: I love you!
Lucius: ...okay, crazy lady.

[the Walker's place]
Kitty: WAH!
Ivy, the Blind Younger Sister: La la la, my singing fixes everything!

[outside]
Noah: *with stick* I KEEL JOO NOW!!!
Ivy: Stop it.
Noah: Eh?
Ivy: It's the quiet room for you.

[at quiet room]
Ivy: If you promise not to hit anyone, I won't put you in the quiet room.
Noah: Deal.
Ivy: Okay. Let's race.
Noah: Okay.
[frolicking ensues]

[at the Resting Rock]
Lucius: *is eating*
Ivy: Hi, Lucius! Do you want to know why I knew it was you? I can see bright colors with some people! You have a color, just like my father! Do you want to know what it is? Well, I'm not going to tell you, because that isn't proper. Stop asking, dammit!
Lucius: Does "crazy" run in your family?
Noah: *goes off somewhere*
Ivy: We've known each other a long time.
Lucius: Er, yeah.
Ivy: Remember when you used to hold my arm when we walked? You stopped doing that. Sometimes people don't do things because they don't want other people to know they want to do them.
Lucius: Uh...
Noah: *give Ivy berries from his pocket*
Ivy: Oh. Berries. Thanks for them.
Lucius: They're teh evil color.
Ivy: Bury it.
Lucius: Those were in his pockets. That means Noah goes into the woods. The Creatures don't care because he's retarded. That... kind of blows.

[at the Council of Elders]
Lucius: *reading from paper* The Creatures don't care about Noah entering the forest because he is naive and junk. Thus, this means that Those We Do Not Speak Of have special mystical powers that can sense if you're entering the forest for good. Can I go now.
Elders: Uh... no.
Lucius: You people still suck.

Ivy: You shouldn't go into the woods. It's noble, but wrong.
Lucius: Uh... 'kay.
Ivy: Oh, and my older sister is getting married, so I can date now.
Lucius: Uh...
Ivy: Just thought I'd throw that out there.
Lucius. 'Kay.
Ivy: I'm going to go back into the house and pretend Noah isn't hiding in my closet.
Lucius: You do that.

[the next day, on the edge of Covington Woods]
Lucius: *painting poles*
Me: Ugliest. Color. Ever. And were sleeves not invented?
Lucius: Oh, fuck it. *enters woods*
Berries: *are red*
Creatures: Get out of my woods! Damn crazy kids! Ma, get the hose!
Lucius: Oops?

[that night]
Creatures: Dum-dee-dum-dum. This movie is dum-dee-dum-dum. La la la.
Watchman: Eh? *looks out trap door.
Creature's Robes: *are red*
Watchman: Ah! *rings bell*
Village: *mass panic attack*

Kitty: Oh. S'ppose we should take refuge in the basement.
Ivy: You do that. I'm going to wait for Lucius. He'll come by wanting to know we're safe.
Kitty: You will not. Close the fucking door and get in the goddamn house.
Noah: *is retarded*
Kitty: I meant now.
Ivy: Give him a minute. *sticks out hand*

Lucius: *helps lady with her window*
Lady: Thanks. *slams door in Lucius's face* Oh, er, you can go now.
Lucius: ...wtf?
Creatures: Graffiti time!
Lucius: *hides*
Creature: *on porch, painting on door*
Lucius: *runs awaaaaay!*

Ivy: *still holding hand out* Any minute now. He'll be here.
Kitty: Give it up.
Ivy: No. He'll be here.
Creature: *approaches*
Ivy: He'll totally be here.
Kitty: Will you close the door already?! We aren't paying to heat the whole village!
Ivy: Just another minute!
Lucius: *grabs Ivy's hand and drags her to the basement... all in slow motion*
Ivy: See? I know what I'm talking about.
Lucius: Actually, everyone else had their doors closed. This was the last place left. Er, I mean, yes. I came to see if you were all right. Of course I did. I'm caring like that.

[the next morning, at the town meeting]
Edward: Nothing to see here, people. Just a warning. Move along, move along.
Village: Oh. Okay. Whatever you say, old people!

[that night, at Kitty's wedding]
Villagers: wheefunyay!
Ivy: *hugs Kitty*
Kitty: *hugs back*
Ivy: *still hugging*
Kitty: Er...
Ivy: *still hugging*
Kitty: Right.
Ivy: *lets go*
Kitty's Husband, Boy 2: Don't hug me like that, because it will mess up my clothes. Mess up my clothes and I KEEL JOO!!! HOR!!

Alice: Congratulations.
Edward: Thanks.
Alice: *hold out hand*
Edward: No, really, thanks.
Alice: Right.

Guests: *dance*
Kitty: *drags Ivy in*
Ivy: What fresh hell? Oh, dancing. Fun!
Guests: *dance some more*
Kids: *screaming*
Ivy: *hears them*
Villagers: *blissfully unaware*
Ivy: Huh. Well, I guess it's Blind Girl to the rescue once again. *makes her way through the crowd, hand out*
Lucius: *grabs hand, drags her out of crowd*
Kids: Hey, look! More dead things! Hanging from the doorway!

Alice: Well, it wasn't coyotes. The doors are too high.
Me: I'm guessing the villagers jumped the coyote boat a while ago. Also, coyotes don't have thumbs. You need those to tie things.

[the next morning, at the town meeting]
Edward: Yo. Anybody know why Those We Do Not Speak Of are going medieval on our asses?
Villager: *gives Elders a note*
Elder: Who wrote this? *opens it* "I did it. Signed, Lucius." Well, fuck.
Villagers: *look at Lucius; are angry*
Lucius: *is guilty*
Ivy's dress: *is BLUE*
Edward: You don't spook easily. Wish I could be like that.
Lucius: Eh?

[that evening]
Lucius: *sitting on the Walker's porch*
Ivy: *sits with him* You know that game the boys play where they stand on the stump? That's a cool game. Wish I could do that. I can't, because I'm a girl. I'm tomboyish, though. Do you think I'm too much of a tomboy? Hey, don't you hold the record?
Lucius: Yeah. I also hold the longest hit record in the minor leagues.
Ivy: What?
Lucius: Oh, wrong movie.
Ivy: It happens. I was wondering how you could be so fearless?
Lucius: I just can be. Though it scares me whenever your safety is threatened.
Ivy: Cool. You shall dance with me on our wedding night.
Lucius: Um... 'kay.
Ivy: Spiffy.
[kiss]

[the next morning, at the Council of Elders]
Girl: Is it true that Lucius and Ivy and engaged?
Alice: Yep.
Audience: Overnight? What fresh hell is that?
Girl: Cool.

[at the Walker's place]
Ivy: I'm getting married to Lucius. Is that cool?
Kitty: Sure. I don't know why you'd ask me anyway. I'm already married. And it's not like I can get a divorce.
Ivy: Okay. Cool.

[at Lucius's shop]
*door opens*
Lucius: Oh. Hi, Noah.
Noah: *is distraught*
Lucius: Oh. I see you've heard.
Noah: *is still distraught*
Lucius: Well, see, this is how it works-- *looks down*
Noah: *is still distraught*
Lucius: *is stabbed*
Noah: mweeble?
Lucius: *lunges at ground*
Noah: *goes to leave* Fuck it. *stabs Lucius again*

[Noah's porch]
Noah's parents: You're covered in blood.
Noah: *waving hands around* Bad color!
Noah's parents: Oh, fuck, the little 'tard killed someone.
Noah: *drools*

Village: *searches for injured parties*
Ivy: What's going on?
Girl: Noah has blood all over him.
Ivy: Shit. *goes off to find Lucius*

[at Lucius's shop]
Ivy: Lucius?
Lucius: *bleeds*
Ivy: Lucius, answer me.
Lucius: *still bleeding*
Ivy: Fuck, bitch, answer me!
Lucius: *still bleeding*
Ivy's foot: *hits Lucius*
Ivy: Shit.
Villager: Oh. Found him!
Edward: Crap. Get her out of here.

Lucius: *in bed*
Doctor: Well, the wounds are closed, but an infection has set in. He could bite it any minute.

Noah: *is in quiet room*
Ivy: *visits him*
Noah: Hi.
Ivy: *bitchslapbitchslapbitchslapbitchslap*
Villagers: *lead her away*
Noah: mweeble?

Ivy: I have to go to the other towns and get medicine.
Elders: Fuck no.

Edward: Ivy, you can go get medicine, but first, come with me to a shed that we don't use. Oh, and don't scream.

[the Walker's place]
Ivy: *packing*
Edward: Here. Take this, it has lots of medicine on it that's available in the towns.
Ivy: Cool. Well, I'm off.
Edward: See you later, then.

[at the woods]
Ivy: Okay, here's the deal: we have a bag of magic rocks--
Audience: They had crack back then?
Ivy: --that will protect us. We're all cool now?
Guy from Murder by Numbers: Yep.
Kitty's Husband: Sure are.
Ivy: Okay, then let's motor.
Kitty's Husband: On second thought, fuck it, I'm out of here.
Ivy: Damn. He had to marry into our family. He had to.

[later]
Guy from Murder by Numbers: I'm leaving. You're blind, so the creatures will pity you. They'll kill me.
Ivy: This is my job. And you suck at bullshitting.
Guy from Murder by Numbers: Whatever. See you.
Ivy: *dumps out magic rocks, which are plain rocks*
M. Night Shyamalan: Ha! You all expected there to be crack in that bag! Got you!
Audience: Wow. You're really starting to pull stuff out of your ass, aren't you?
Ivy: *continues on* This blows something major.

[flashback begins]
Edward: Don't scream when I open the shed.
Ivy: Okay. Ew, dude, it smells in here.
Creature: Hi. I'm not real. The Elders made me up because they're stupid. Surprise! I'm only a suit!
Ivy: *screams*
Audience: *cries* We paid money for this?!
Edward: We discovered a rumor about creatures that live in the woods, so we used it to our advantage and stuff. Basically, we made up a bunch of bullshit about creatures so that you wouldn't go into the outside world. Pretty cool, huh?
Ivy: So, it's fake.
Edward: Every word of it!
Ivy: Damn. Lucius is right. You all suck.
[flashback ends]

Ivy: *walking*
Hole: *appears*
Ivy: *falls in, but catches herself on the wall* This. Bites. Ass.
Audience: Don't remind us.
Ivy: *pulls herself out and continues on*

[back in the village]
Edward: *opens box* Look! It's all of us! In futuristic clothes! Which means that we set up this town because the present-day world sucked! Now we live back here and everyone believes it's really 1897 except for us! How awesome is that?!
Audience: Not awesome! Not awesome at all!

[back in Covington Woods]
Creature: 'Sup, baby?
Edward: Creatures aren't real.
Ivy: Oh, um, right. Not real. You're not real.
Creatures: But I'm standing right here.
Ivy: *backing away* Not real. Not real. Not real. Not real.
Creature: *chases Ivy*
Ivy: *runs like hell*
Hole: Hi. Remember me? Still here.
Ivy: *stands in front of hole*
Creature: *runs for Ivy*
Ivy: *dives out of way*
Creature: *falls into hole* Ow.
Ivy: That's what I thought you said.

[back in the village]
Noah's parents: *visit Noah*
Noah: *has escaped*
Noah's parents: Oh, fuck, the little 'tard stole a creature suit.
Me: Ooh! Ooh! Is he dead is he dead ishedead? Please say he's dead!

[at the hole]
Creature: *is Noah* Mwee...ble...
Me: Fuck yes!

Wall: Hi.
Ivy: Fuck.
Wall: Climb me.
Ivy: I'll do that. *climbs wall*

Land Rover: Hi! Product placement time!
Kevin: What are you doing?
Ivy: Hi, I'm Ivy Walker. I live back there. I need the junk written on the paper, and make it snappy. I've got a fianc� to save and a retard to bitchslap some more.
Kevin: You live back there.
Ivy: Yes.
Kevin: In the woods.
Ivy: Yes.
Kevin: Those woods.
Ivy: What part of this don't you understand?
Kevin: All of it, but whatever. I'll get the junk you need. Wait here.
Ivy: Oh, yeah. Take this pocket watch in payment for the stuff I can receive for free.
Kevin: Okay, crazy lady.

[at ranger station]
Kevin: Hi. I'm here to steal medicine for some crazy lady.
Kevin's boss, M. Night Shyamalan: Okay. I'll just sit here, read the paper, and let the audience bask in my director's cameo.
Kevin: You do that. *Steals junk* Need the ladder.
Kevin's boss: In the back.
Kevin: A sign fell down.
Kevin's boss: Don't care. It's in the back.
Kevin: Okay.

[back at the village]
Villagers: Ivy's back with stuff from the towns! Oh, and she saw one of the creatures and killed it.
Noah's parents: Aah! Our little 'tard! We loved him!
Edward: Okay. We'll just say that a creature killed Noah. Then we can continue with our sham lives.
Ivy: Here. I have medicine!
Movie: *ENDS*
M. Night Shyamalan: my endin iz pastede on yay!
Me: ...you suck.

Writing
Home