This picture was used from the Lighthouse Picture and Posters, without permission, but please don't sue me.
Title: The Extinguishing Lighthouses
Author : Consy
Rating : PG.
13
Disclaimer: Shut up Braga, and let me
write.
Dedication: This one goes out specifically
to Bec, Thinkey, Yael, and Anne3 who suffered from my constant complaining, and
call for help, when my muse went missing... also to everyone in #jetc.
Kathryn looked over at Chakotay, he was intensely concentrated on his data padd that he didn't notice her fiery gaze. She smiled to herself as he scratched his head thoughtfully while his attention remained on the information in front of him. Kathryn continued to watch him, she didn't know why but for some reason she couldn't divert her eyes. It might have to do with the fact that she was dying or that he was simply irresistible but whatever it was, it was in the air and it made her sure that her eyes did not go awry.
Absentmindedly her right hand slowly moved across her desk reaching for her mug of coffee, as her eyes danced around remembering fine details about him. As if on cue, her hand touched the mug and tried to pick it up but as Chakotay had her undivided attention concentration was elsewhere . . . the mug tilted then fell against the desk, it's contents emptying unto her desk and into Chakotay's lap.
Chakotay jumped up and screamed, the hot liquid burning his skin. It was then while looking at her that he noticed the fervent look in her eyes.
Kathryn was still looking at him, memorising him perfectly, very oblivious to the fact that coffee had been spilt all over her desk and on his lap.
Chakotay smiled softly and said, "You did that on purpose!"
Kathryn was shaken out of her revere and blushed, she suddenly realized that she'd been caught, not only staring at him but thinking about him. Even now after many years of marriage, she did not like to be caught thinking about him when she should be working, and her cheeks became a flamboyant red. She remained wordless, how was she going to answer him?
Kathryn's blush and silence only incriminated her,
Chakotay's smile grew wider, dimples flashing at her, "You did, didn't you?" He
asked again, although quite certain that
she
had.
Chakotay sensed her breathing quicken, saw her pupils grow smaller and could swear he could hear the fast beating of her heart. "Kathryn?" He asked slowly with concern, his slightly burnt skin forgotten while his thoughts centered on her.
Kathryn knew he could feel everything that was happening to her, she couldn't explain how or why, but she knew. She kept her eyes locked with his, thankful that they weren't on the bridge but in the comfort of their quarters as she thought this, she knew Chakotay had touched her inner mind somehow. He knew exactly what she was thinking and she was certain of it.
It was ten minutes later, after sensual exploration of each other with the mind, that Chakotay stepped around the desk and took the frail Kathryn into his arms, leading her to the bedroom where he lay her down, and lay down next to her, cradling her to him. He had sensed her arousal but had found a fear in Kathryn's mind and reassured her by holding her close to him, and muttering nonsense in a soothing tone.
He continued to hold her close to him, he didn't know what had scared her but he had a feeling he was just about to find out, his soothing words lulled her to sleep...
Her rhythmic breathing was making Chakotay lethargic and finally he too fell sleep and his hold on her lessened, as he felt himself being tugged into the sleeping realm, only to be awakened by images that were suddenly thrown at him. He wasn't sure were the images where coming from, but they were very disturbing.
He could see snow all over the ground, it was cold, and only meters away a ship was sinking slowly into the waters. It was then that he realised where he was, and where the images were coming from. This was somewhere in the Tau Ceti System, where Kathryn had lost her first fiancee, Justin Tighe and her father. The images then formed to a devastated Kathryn.
He could see her crying, life totally drained from her, and he felt his own heart twinge at the sight of her like this. He continued to see her get worse as time progressed and then suddenly, her second fiancee, Mark, came into the picture. Slowly Mark brought meaning back to Kathryn's life.
He saw her whole life flash in front of his eyes, the pain she had felt when finding out they were 75,000 light years away from home, felt how alone and afraid she had been, and how hard it had been for her to remain strong for the crew. He now understood her need to pull away from her crew at parties and of her lack of intervention on a personal basis with them. She had known it would break the whole crew's hearts to see her crying, and weak, so when she felt the guilt and the pain return, she'd leave her crew to retreat into her sanctuary where she could let down her hair and cry. Now he saw a weak, fearful and emotional Kathryn.
The images of the weak Kathryn lasted until he saw images of New Earth, and the sadness that had enveloped her when she had been forced to part with her crew, the only thing that had really kept her going, but her sadness had disappeared as her love for him began to grow.
He now saw himself, massaging her shoulders gently, taking away the pain that had befallen them after hours of tedious work and he saw the fear in her that had made her pull back.
A fear for him, and what would happen next, when he saw how weak she could be which was why she had then chosen to retreat to her sleeping area, only to come back out and have him declare to her that he loved her. She had held his hand in her own, for contact, to convince herself that he was really there and with her.
It had been hours later, after much talk of nothing that she had retreated back to her bedroom, where she'd cried herself to sleep, very afraid. Afraid that she’d loose him as she’d lost everyone else in her life.
He hadn't know this, and was surprised to find himself looking at her crying. He had always thought, that she'd slept well that night because when he'd come back from his walk in the dark she'd been asleep.
The next few weeks had proved to be some of the best, the love in between them had blossomed and if Voyager hadn't returned it would have continued to do so.
He saw that when Voyager did return, that she had felt the romantic link between them had been severed. He began to see how hard it was for her to be so abrupt and seemingly unfeeling for him upon their return. He saw how she had cried herself to sleep almost every night because she'd thought she'd lost him as she’d lost everyone else before.
He hadn't made it easy on her he realized, staying away from her because he had thought that was what she wanted. Only to come back months later to the Captain and Commander friendship they'd had. It had been hard for both of them, to maintain this friendship, and not cross the line, to kiss and make love as they had on New Earth, and it had been harder on Kathryn, because she thought he'd given up and found someone but then everything changed when she saw the look in his eyes when he thought she was dead.
He saw exactly what she did, and completely understood what she had meant when she said, "It was my father speaking, yet it wasn't." He felt her pain in seeing herself being thrown into space, and having her crew mourn for her. He saw how badly he'd taken it, and then it dawned on him, that was what she was afraid of, she was afraid of what would happen to her crew, and him when she did pass on. They were each other's lighthouses when the going got rough, one wouldn't survive with the other, and as he clutched the dying Kathryn in his arms he knew that his time had come as well.
He took one last look at her, kissed her lips, and then took his last breath along with Kathryn's as they stepped into their garden, their garden on New Earth.
And on a table, covered with coffee lay a padd that
said:
It is not that I loved Voyager less, but
that I loved thy wife, Kathryn Janeway
more.
And it was signed, Chakotay.
THE END?
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