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Vanilla-isms: Causes and Cures
by Lady Green (permission applied for)
The psychotherapeutic establishment is still struggling to
understand the subset of sexual activity characterized by
hysterical insistence on the appearance of complete equality at
all times, as well as by a marked preference for physical and
emotional sensations so mild that many would consider them
inadequate or boring.
The practitioners of this so-called "lovestyle," colloquially
known as "vanilla" sex, maintain that their preferences are
perfectly normal (many statistics indicate that the majority of
adults have at least experimented with this type of sex) and harm
nobody.
Expert opinions, however, are divided on this controversial
topic. Most therapists feel that vanilla-ism can be traced to
early childhood experiences, and that the patient desiring relief
from his or her vanilla impulses can indeed be helped to
experience a broader and more fulfilling range of sexual
practices.
Theories about the source of vanilla desires vary. Some of the
most widely accepted ones are:
-- Early trauma. One researcher has traced several cases of
vanilla-ism to early childhood experiences in which the child's
normal although alarming impulses toward egalitarianism have been
suppressed by ill-informed parents or teachers. She cites one
young woman who, in deep hypnotic regression, recalled a scene in
which her attempt to share an ice cream cone with a pre-school
playmate was diverted by a young teacher, who heedlessly steered
the well-meaning child to the blocks corner. Upon being awakened
from her trance, the patient cried in a voice of discovery, "It
was mine! I could give it away if I wanted to! Nobody has any
right to tell me what I can and can't give away!" Her path from
vanilla-ism toward a more fulfilling sexual life was clear from
that point forward.
-- Inability to distinguish affection from gentleness. Another
practitioner cites his study of a middle-aged man who sought
treatment for emotional distress stemming from his wife's desire
to have him administer sharp blows and wooden clothespins to her
genitalia. After several years of therapy, the therapist traced
the man's belief that gentleness was the only way to express love
back to his mother's hobby of raising Siamese kittens. The
patient had been repeatedly told to "be gentle with the little
kitties." The patient's recognition of the source of the problem
did not resolve it, but the therapist's suggestion of daily
repetitions of the affirmation "A pussy is not a kitty" did the
trick. The couple is now enjoying harmonious marital relations.
-- Extraordinarily low sensation threshold. Some experts feel
that vanilla-ism stems from a (possibly neurological) need for
milder-than-average physical and emotional stimulation. They
point to parallels between vanilla behavior and such highly
unstimulating activities as situation comedy watching, counted
cross-stitch, and the consumption of Cream of Wheat. While
moderate success with such patients has been achieved by
gradually reconditioning them to more challenging stimuli, one
researcher shrugs, "Some people seem to simply be born vanilla."
Vanilla-ism, however, need not be a life sentence. Patients can
be reconditioned to find healthier outlets for their desires:
group hugs, non-strenuous tandem bicycling, team sand-castle
building and similar activities can all meet the need for
egalitarianism in more socially acceptable ways. Some patients
find it satisfying to verbally role-play vanilla sex with their
partners during more conventional sexual activities, sharing
fantasies like "I'm stroking your breast now... that's not too
hard, is it?... OK, I've eaten you for five minutes, now it's
your turn."
Of course, a small radical faction of vanilla practitioners is
demanding that their deviant practices be considered a normal
sexual variation. Some have been so vocal that the media have
sensed an upsurge in public interest in vanilla sex, and
responded with such popularly successful ventures as Cosmopolitan
magazine, "The Bridges of Madison County," and virtually the
entire oeuvre of Barry Manilow.
A few therapists are coming around to an agreement that vanilla
sex, particularly when practiced as an occasional variation
within a committed relationship, need not be inherently harmful
to its practitioners or those around them. Yet persistently
vanilla fantasies and behaviors are probably still a subject for
concern.
If you find yourself deeply distressed by indications that sex
need not always appear gentle or egalitarian, or if you have lost
friendships or romances due to your need to act out your vanilla
fantasies, you may wish to seek help from an appropriately
trained specialist.
