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Nerd Jokes!
Q: Why do computer scientists confuse Christmas and Halloween?
A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
It's the Asian Remainder Theorem.
An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality.
A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations.
A mathematician doesn't care.
Math and Alcohol don't mix, so... PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE
One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence. The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design. The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed 'We can assume the length is infinite...' and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it. The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said 'I declare myself to be on the outside.'
Q: What do you call a young eigensheep?
A: A lamb, duh!!!
"The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics is that it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize all those people."
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they translate it into their own language, and forthwith it means something entirely different.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Q: Why did the cat fall off the roof?
A: Because he lost his mu. (mew=sound cats make, mu=coeff of friction)
This guy gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody: "I'll integrate you! I'll differentiate you!!!" So everybody gets scared and runs away. Only one person stays. The guy comes up to him and says: "Aren't you scared, I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate you!!!" And the other guy says; "No, I am not scared, I am e to the x."
TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING THE MATH HOMEWORK
1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
2. Isaac Newton's birthday.
3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
4. I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
8. I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.
9. I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.
Did you hear the one about the statistician?
Probably....
A man camped in a national park, and noticed Mr. Snake and Mrs. Snake slithering by. "Where are all the little snakes?" he asked. Mr. Snake replied, "We are adders, so we cannot multiply."
The following year, the man returned to the same camping spot. This time there were a whole batch of little snakes. "I thought you said you could not multiply," he said to Mr. Snake. "Well, the park ranger came by and built a log table, so now we can multiply by adding!"
A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.
A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.
The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife --- you can do some mathematics.
"Energy equals milk chocolate square"
Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathematician answered "Polynomial. Polygon."
1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1
Factorials were invented to make math look more exciting.
Prove that all odd integers are prime.
Physicist: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Therefore true.
Engineer: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ..., 9 is ..., well if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Therefor true.
Mathematician: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all the odd integers are prime.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the other ... er, um ...
Q: What does a mathematician do when he's constipated?
A: He works it out with a pencil.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a zebra?
A: Elephant zebra sin theta.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?
A: You can't do that. A mountain climber is a scalar.
A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"
Last updated: December 12th 2005
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