This came to me in a sudden burst while washing the dishes a couple of weeks ago (yes I have washed them since then).  It's somewhat abstract to begin with, but please persevere!  First up, I have an apology to make.  I'm sorry for what I'm about to do, I'm simply addicted to angst.  I'm sorry...

But on the plus side, it's complete!  Uh well, it's a standalone so it has to be. Right? Yup.  Oh I figure I'll note that for the record, this was my second attempt at writing BHG's fic, but uh... I failed the base requirement of simply causing injury... will try again next time dude! Thanks to Enigma as always for being there to read over stuff and offer advice! :-D

Alec's eyes snapped open. Bright light slammed into his retinas, wrenching him out of the nightmare he had been trapped within, and causing his pupils to contract against the glare. He tried to close his eyes and immerse himself back into the darkness.  Stubborn eyelids refused to comply.  Panic and confusion began to course through him, the pace of his heart picked up.  And then finally, just as he felt he would burst beneath the pressure of steadily increasing terror, his eyelids slid gracefully closed once more.

Sharp pain drove through his temples as he tried to move his head. A weak moan slipped through his lips, although a part of his mind wondered if this sound had been real, or produced from within his own head.

Where was he? 

His body felt strangely displaced, as if he were suspended in mid-air. As Alec's heart began to race with trepidation once more, he tried to reassure himself this weightless sensation was merely due to his body still undergoing the process of waking.  Holding onto that thought, the X5 attempted to draw in a deep calming breath.  

Something was wrong.

Oxygen passed into his lungs, but... something wasn't quite right about the action.  The inhale and exhalations were too regular to be of his own making.  Mechanic in their precision.  Alarmed at yet another irrational lack of control, Alec tried to hold his breath, but the air continued to be force-fed into his throat.

Confusion gave way to panic.  Alec now struggled to wriggle his fingers. The commands his brain made to his body refused to register.  He couldn't so much as twitch a muscle.  Why? Why couldn't he move? What was wrong with him?  Battling to compose his faculty of reasoning, Alec searched his mind for some kind of explanation. A question surfaced and he grabbed hold of it, least it sink into the murky depths of his brain and dissolve.

Wait. What was it that he had been asking himself?

Blankness... Thoughts had suddenly become difficult to collect together.  Alec began to relax.  With no thoughts, there was nothing to fear. No need to panic over things he had no control of. And there was so much that he had no control over. His past, his future, his present.... his own body.

Gradually Alec's heart stopped thumping furiously in his chest, and returned to it's normal calm steady beat once more.

A steady, rhythmic beep.

Darkness reached up to claim him again. Alec allowed his body and mind to succumb to the comfort of oblivion. It seemed safer that way.

He dreamt.

His dreams carried a noted absence of pain.  More importantly, his body was entirely his own.  Ready and waiting to obey his every command.

Throwing up his hands, Alec stretching them out above his head, his back arching gracefully. Like a cat languidly stretching after a nap. There was no pain. No restriction of movements. Only blissful silence and crisp clean air.

A carefree smile broke across his face. This place was nice. No heavy smell of death. No acrid smoke. Silence. Just silence.

He blinked and stared up at the sun. There was no searing agony at the light. Relief flooded his body as he tilted his head easily. He rolled it left, right, forward and back. Relief rushed through him at the freedom to make such simple movements without pain stabbing into his brain, robbing him of all but the ability to breath.

A memory of the past flashed through Alec's mind, so quickly that he had no idea of what it was. But it left behind a bitter taste of smoke, the grainy texture of ash upon his tongue.

This was a dream. There was nothing to fear.

The comfort of dreams brought with it a noted absence of screaming.

Alec's smile faltered.

Why should there be screams to break the stillness around him? Why would smoke and death taint the air he breathed?

Once again Alec's heart began to thump in his chest, rattling against his ribs like a bird struggling to escape its cage.

The same question that had eluded him when he'd briefly woken, now made its long awaited come back, amid the twisted turmoil of his dreams. This time the question didn't merely surface - it leapt out of him, driving a stake into his heart, pinning the muscle down so that it seemed to stop beating altogether.

What's happened to me?

Smoke - fire - screaming - terror - agony - burning.

He couldn't move.

He couldn't move.

But it was a dream. Only a dream.

Nothing could comfort him. The panic was inescapable. Distress. Horror. These things had taken over his calm platitude. Serenity crumbled and gave way to the screams he feared so much. Not realising how much he feared screams until they escaped his own lips

The voices of others joined in his own cries of horror and agony, like a macabre choir. Reverberating throughout him, causing the brightness of the dream to falter. The scream of a woman rose above everything, and Alec saw an image of her flash before him. The flames that crackled around her, licking teasingly against her skin. Her shrieks as the clothing she wore melted to her flesh.

Horror encompassed Alec as he reached out his hands towards her, only to discover he had been mistaken. 

The only person burning, was him.

It wasn't just a dream.

It was a nightmare.

Just a nightmare.

Where was he now? Awake or dreaming?

Alec fought to draw himself back into consciousness. Eyelids dragged laboriously across eyeballs, flickering slightly as light poured into his retinas, before snapping closed again. Why was living so much of a struggle? Minutes passed as his whole being was focused on drawing together an explanation of why he couldn't move. Surely he must still be sleeping? Surely. Or was he awake now?

One fragment of his nervous system tried to convey pain to him. It seemed important that he feel such a thing. As if the ability to acknowledge pain could change everything. It was an odd sensation; his body was telling him that it throbbed with incredibly agony, but his mind whispered sluggishly that there was nothing wrong, nothing to worry about... Still, the sensation of pain was beginning to consume him.

Panic surged through his veins once more, and Alec was now aware of the spasmodic beeps that accompanied such an increase of heart rate. The sound was all around him, marching in time to the fitful patter of his heart. He was so afraid, but as much as he wanted to escape this hell his mind was trapped within, as much as his body flowed with adrenalin, he could neither fight nor take flight.

He was truly helpless.

And then, once he was at the height of his terror, a memory hit him with the force of shockwave.

Max.

She stood before him, a smile on her lips that caused his knees to weaken. He almost had to look around, just to check if her smile was aimed at him, or someone else. But then she stepped forward and murmured in his ear, her words causing his throat to contract. Suddenly he felt clumsy and foolish. How could he not know how to respond to such a suggestion?

The answer was obvious.

It was simply a question that had never been posed to him by Max before.

Strippers at the Blowfish Tavern - yes. Blondes at the bar in Crash - yes. Max - never.

But there she was, telling him she wanted to get the hell outta there. With him. Away from Crash and back to his apartment of all places. And there he was, feet rooted to the spot, disbelieving his very ears. There was a tone to her voice that dropped clear and definite hints that she was looking for much more than a breath of fresh air.

If his ears were lying to him, surely his eyes were their partner in crime. Because as her lips finished brushing his lobe, she stepped back. Slowly. Teasingly. Her hips swinging seductively in rhythm to the music. An invitation lay waiting for acceptation within her darkened eyes. Impatiently, she beckoned him forward with a crook of her finger. Finding control of himself at last, he complied. Wishing to gods this wasn't some cruel, cruel joke.

He wrapped his arms around her waist as he mounted her bike behind her. His body melding against hers perfectly. As they pulled away from the curb, his hands developed a mind of their own, wandering across her body, teasing. Testing. Experimenting just how far they could go into no-man's land before meeting rebuke. His mind swam as he realised no rebuke was forthcoming.

Surely it was a dream.

Slipping back into unconsciousness, Alec lost hold of the memory. Blackness closed in, enveloping the scenario that had been so impossible, so surreal, it surely couldn't have taken place in real life. Not his life.

He dreamt once more. Smiling at the freedom of movement, the absence of terror.  Once more.

A voice whispered in his ear, feminine and familiar, drawing him back into the world of darkness and pain.  Straining to decipher the words, Alec pushed the dreams away and tolerated the agony he could suddenly feel all too well.

The meaning of the words evaded him, but the tone was both urgent and sad. He wondered why, his mind too disconnected to work out the answer for himself. Curious, he tried to follow the source of the words, realising that he had to brave the piercing light and open his eyes.

He tried. So damn hard.

But his eyelids were as heavy as iron trap doors. Refusing to budge.

Soon a new voice broke in.  Masculine, reassuring. Alec knew he wasn't the one being reassured. Comfort was being offered to the owner of the pleading, desperate voice.  Where were these sounds coming from? They sounded so far away...

Could he be asleep now and experiencing a dream - or was he awake and reflecting upon unconsciousness?

Either way, Alec could neither move nor open his eyes.

The whispers faded out, leaving him once again alone with silence.

Smoke invaded his senses. Brushing over his skin like a dark shroud. Filling his nostrils, his throat, his lungs. Choking him.

In his mind's eye he saw a scene play out as if he looked down upon it.

A motorbike hurtling through the dimly lit Seattle streets. Two people lost in each other, even as they made their way to the safety of a dingy old apartment. One mind captured by the sensation of heated skin beneath palms and fingertips. The other mind succumbing to pleasure given by such expertise. Neither paying attention to their surroundings. Perhaps they had thought themselves invincible. Untouchable by all except each other.

Alec's muscles convulsed as he fought the memory. He knew now that it was no dream. No nightmare.

What played out was the very event that had driven his mind so far within itself. Unreachable.

Until now.

The memory refused to be suppressed a moment longer. Furious at being denied acknowledgement for so long, it assaulted Alec's mind with brute force, crashing down upon him. Causing his mental barriers to collapse beneath its weight. The conscience he had tried for so hard to hold back. The guilt. The memories.  They threw themselves upon him now.

A truck turning.

A motorbike careering onwards.

Two people enrapt within each other, finding themselves at last able to give in to the desires they had denied for so long.

No longer did Alec watch the scene unfold from above. He relived it in every beautiful, terrifying, blurred and grotesque detail.

Alec nuzzled his lips against Max's neck, nipping lightly at the highly-sensitised skin. He couldn't believe what was happening, but if it was a dream, he hoped to never ever have to wake up. Hell, it if was real, he hoped this moment would never end. Well, perhaps not this exact moment... there was still more he wanted to accomplish tonight before immortalising the event forever in his mind. As a memory, rather than an unrequited wish. And perhaps... perhaps even the beginning of a whole new future. With Max.

No longer did he dare to question why he was currently in this position.  Instead he allowed his mind to contemplate the next half dozen or so positions he planned to be indulging in with the girl whose body his arms were wrapped tightly around. After all, he didn't want to tempt fate and have her suddenly realise she was delirious, and throw him from the bike. No, he'd save the questions of 'why' until later. Hopefully by then, he would have proven to her exactly how much she meant to him. And maybe, just maybe she'd realise what she felt for him was more than just a reaction to whatever new drama had transpired between herself and Logan, and caused her to fall into his embrace. Alec, the consolation prize.

Max's muffled protest broke into his thoughts, and he realised fears of being Logan's replacement had caused his hands to cease their wandering. Resuming his exploration of Max's body once more, Alec's lips wandered across the nape of her neck, savouring her as if she could at any given moment, slip from his grasp.

The truck pulled slowly out from the side street, and onto the main road down which the motorbike travelled. Neither transgenic paid attention. Nor did they care to acknowledge the car that shot past them, careering wildly to the left and right as if the driver were unsure which side of the road was the correct one to be travelling along.

None of these things mattered.

Until the car struck the truck like a missile, bursting into flames even as it ricocheted away. A fireball composed of twisted metal and burning flesh hurtling away from the jackknifing truck, and into the path of Max's motorbike.

The world suddenly heaved upwards and outwards as the burning car collected up the bike as it continued carving its molten path down the road. Or maybe it wasn't the world that heaved. Maybe it was just them.

Alec was unaware of his hands ripping away from Max's torso, as his own body was flung like a rag doll into the sky. Time suspended itself in mid air, but the X5's body did not.

Max had nearly lost count of the days she'd watched machines foster the functions Alec's body refused to maintain.  During this time, her belief that he would wake had never faltered.  Alec was strong. The scars would heal. It didn't even matter if they didnt.  All that mattered was having him back.

At times, his eyes would open and she would feel that hope soar with gleeful anticipation, imagining the moment when his eyes would shift their fixed gaze from the ceiling, and meet with her own.  But the doctors told her this action was simply a subconscious impulse.  It meant nothing in terms of progress.

Still, she continued whispered to him. Her voice at times growing hoarse as she tried to coax him back to the land of the living, never allowing herself to accept what the doctors would try to tell her; that his own mind had long ago given up and fled the tortured remains of his body.  Never allowing herself to cry for his loss.  As long as that heart monitor continued to fill the room with its monotonous beeps, she would continue to hope.

Now Max made no effort to stop the tears from slipping down her cheeks to patter lightly upon Alec's hairline as she leant over him. Resting her cheek against his cool forehead, she drew in a long shuddering breath, only to release it as a sob that she felt sure would never truly be purged from her.

Alec realised what it was now - the steady beep.  It was the heart monitor, assuring him that he was still alive. He now felt the firm mattress beneath his broken, burnt body. But still, he couldn't move. Horror at his own prediciment began to overwhelm him.  With renewed intensity, he concentrated on moving his head, twitching a finger. Anything.

But it was no use.

His mind was completely disconnected from his body, and he was helpless. Helpless, and utterly alone. And on top of it all, a horrible, heart-broken part of him was sure that Max was dead.  How could she have possibly survived?

Suddenly the fear of waking up over rode his fear of dying. He knew with cold certainty that he couldn't bear to live in the world without her. Not without spending his life reminiscing in torturous detail on what could have been.  He'd lived with such loss once already, he couldn't bear to be subjected to it again.

There was no doubt in his mind now as to where he was.  Alec realised he was irretrievably trapped between the living and dying. And he knew now that he had to let go, he had to find a way out of this existance. If he was forced to go another day like this...

In the back of his mind, Alec was aware of the silent screams.

They were his own.

The high pitched, endless wail of the heart monitor snapped Max from her exhausted sleep at Alec's side.  She watched helplessly as the doctors entered, and went about their revival procedure with the emotional detachment of those who knew there was no point.  Max stood by in frozen horror and watched the waking nightmare play out before her eyes. Unable to speak. Unable to move.

Her own injuries had been nothing in comparison to the ones Alec had received. While she had been catapulted clear of the wreckage, he had been thrown from the bike and back into the path of the burning car. Consumed by flames, the driver never had a chance to comprehend, and certainly no chance ;to swerve.

Alec simply never had a chance.