Barbara Strozzi: Career Manager
Strozzi: Hey Modest
Mussorgsky: oh hey Barbara
Strozzi: You making a lot of phone calls these days! Is this about the morality play?
Mussorgsky: Nah, she can take care of that herself now. I have to call some professional cleaners to get the alcohol smell out of my car before I go
renew my license...
Strozzi: Can't you renew by mail?
Mussorgsky: eh, lost the form.
Strozzi: Well don't waste your money on cleaners - just borrow my car when you go in. I dont need to be anywhere today.
Mussorgsky: really?
Strozzi: Yeah I owe you
Mussorgsky: thanks, then I dont need to call anyone. (she hands them to him, he nods and exits)
Strozzi: Excellent, the phone is mine! (sits, dials) Betty? Hey, it's Barbara Strozzi here. .... Fine, thanks. I'm calling about the women's
chorus - was wondering if you got together a group yet? .......... ah, five is a fine number to start! See, the thing is, I don't think I can do it -- but! I have a housemate here who can. He's a composer - good guy - you'll like him. But you should talk to him about more logistics, of course............. uh huh....... oh that's fine.. (grins) Let me tell you how to get here.... (etc)
Meanwhile, Beethoven is trying to making a peaceable living for himself, post-mall-trauma. He is in the downstairs bathroom, having been gripped by the fear that there is still evidence of eyeliner on him. He is rubbing at his eye now.
Beet: grrrrrr.... (looks again, now the eye is watery and red) Well, ... I'll eat.
(He goes into the kitchen and is making himself a sandwich when Strozzi enters.)
Strozzi: Hey Ludwig
Beet: You...... I think I still have eyeliner on...
Strozzi: What are you talking about? They didn't even use any.
Beet: grr.. I suppose you've come to apologize..?
Strozzi: ah - Yes. Yes, I -- none of us realized what a traumatic experience the mall would be for you, Ludwig. And.... Well, we should have.
Beet: yes....!
Strozzi: Yes, after all, you are the great outdoorsman, nature's beloved son --
Beet: Stop babbling, you sound like Richard.
Strozzi: Well.... I am sorry. What a fiasco. We just -- we care about you, Ludwig. Especially after what Antonio told me. He said you were rampaging through the mall like Michael Myers.
Beet(scowling): Did you have anything else to say?
Strozzi: I was looking for Johannes, actually. Do you know where he is?
Beet: moping around somewhere...
Strozzi: Well, tell him enough of that. I have a job for him.
Beet(snorts): The record is 24 hours; think you can beat that?
Strozzi: Yes, indeed. No problem.
Beet: What is it?
Strozzi: He's going to conduct a women's choir.
Beet: HAHAHAHAH!!!! Almost as good as the gay club bouncer!
Strozzi: Oh, but this will be slightly more amenable to him, I think.
Beet: whatever, he hates women!
Strozzi: can't live with us.... Besides - this is a musical job. He will have a group for which to write music! Can't argue with that.
Beet: oh he'll argue.. (Chuckles) I never thought getting an $8-an-hour job would be so traumatic..
Strozzi: well I - (bites tongue) I , uh - you know how these artists are!
Beet: Yeah.. You're turning into Modest, you know.
Strozzi: hm?
Beet: setting everyone up with gigs and stuff.
Strozzi: it's true. Who thought the alcoholic "workless Bohemian" would be the organized publicity man?? haha . Well I'm looking for Johannes. Feel better, Ludwig.
Beet(grumble): thanks
There's a knock at the door. Mussorgsky toddles over and answers it.
DeliveryMan: Delivery for a one (sounds confused at name) Hildegard of Bin-gen???
Mussorgsky: yeah yeah, I'm her housemate Ill sign (calls over shoulder) HILDEGAAARDD! COSTUMES ARE HERE!
(Hildegard appears soon.)
Hildegard oh, good. That was fast. Now.... how to tell the guys about this?
Mussorgsky: I thought you already told em?
Hildegard: Not exactly... Especially now with this '80s music video business.
Mussorgsky: So? Barbara doesnt have to worry about it. Ahh well i have to go get a new license.
Across the street, Wagner is having a difficult time dealing with Mahler. The conductor is pacing around the living room while Wagner sits at the piano.
Mahler: No, No, NO! I am not endangering the best English horn player in town because you want him to do acrobatics for this opera, Richard!
Wagner: I don't understand how the man comports himself at all if he can't stand from his chair in the pit, walk around backstage and perform a
3-minute solo from there!!! It's a 30 second process!
Mahler: Because he's 82 and it takes him FIVE minutes to stand up from his chair! How is he going to walk with his cane AND his instrument??
Wagner(folds arms): I refuse to compromise the artistic integrity of Tristan simply on account of a misbegotten fogey who requires an Invacare
powered mobility product!!
Mahler: Yet you would compromise musical quality on account of -- what! - of special effects?! What kind of composer ARE YOU, Richard Wagner?!
Wagner: Because I value musical quality is precisely the reason I cannot submit to your ridiculous whims on this matter, you fool! The English horn
at the beginning of act three MUST be backstage on account of its ethereal source quality. It is the shepherd's haunting call! It is not another
member of the orchestra at that moment!! How is the audience to recognize this phenomenon if it is at that moment IN THE ORCHESTRA?!
Mahler: I understand the effect! What I don't understand is how you never seem to have met a geriatric who cannot walk up and down stairs quickly -- let alone negotiate quietly through an occupied orchestra pit with his cane AND instrument in 30 seconds!! The only solution is to get another english horn player for the backstage solo! I think that would be a sacrifice of artistic quality, but if all you care about is the source of the sound--!!
Wagner: Absolutely not!!! The effect is ruined with any less than a superior player! Heinrich must play it! I'll have no other!
Mahler: CORRECT!!! (sits on couch, furious, hand to forehead in thought): ... Perhaps I can substitute second string at the end of act two..(hops up again, pacing) It's going to be a lot of trouble, getting Heinrich out of the pit --and then back again! (angry pause) There's some lag time between the solo and the next time he has to play, yes?
Wagner: He has the entire first scene to get back!
Mahler: Ah yes, of course. That's what I'll do then. Perhaps the stage crew can help him.. How ridiculous. (final declaration:) This displeases me, Richard!
Wagner(huffs): I don't understand why you have to make everything so difficult.
Lunchtime: After a morning of teaching at the university, Pyotr Tchaikovsky decides to blow off his office hours and take the afternoon for himself. He sneaks away from the university campus to get to the gym. ("I'm getting fat these days!!") Once there, he changes into his gym clothes, does some cardio on the elliptical, then heads to the weight room. Lunchtime is busy at the gym, and Tchaik finds himself waiting for machines. In the meantime, he checks out the hot guys. Or rather, looks for suitable hot guys to check out.
Tchaik(mumbling to self): This is a terrible time to come to the gym....
(At the lat pull down machine in front of him, he is amused to see two pudgy thirty-somethings getting into an argument as they meet.)
Schenker: Excuse me, Arnold.... Fine time for you to be at the gym.
Schoenberg: Ahhh, Heinrich... Hoping the physical exercise will inspire your music theoretical exertions?
(Tchaik recognizes Schenker as Brahms's friend, decides to tie his right shoe laces while he eavesdrops.)
Schenker: I find the exercise does help invigorate the mind, yes. I can only assume you are here for the same reason. (sits at machine, takes the bar by the ends, makes a point of adjusting himself on the bench)
Schoenberg(grumbles): yes... my wife prefers that I exercise.
Schenker(grumbles): i suppose she does.. (Tchaik is amused as Schenker attemps to pull the bar down, having forgotten to check the amount of weight on it, he is surprised when it comes flying down nearly upon his head) AGHH!
Schoenberg: Fool!
Schenker: You were distracting me! Some frail woman has it on 30 pounds!! (adjusts weight, takes deep breath) Now then, the fundamental key to proper exercise is establishing a strong back. (performs the exercise, quickly, 8 times. Schoenberg watches in distaste. Tchaik ties his left shoe laces.)
Schoenberg: How can you call that a proper workout? You only did 8 repetitions.
Schenker: Anymore than 8 is superfluous. Sometimes I do power sets of 5 or 3.
Schoenberg: Nonsense. 12 is the correct number.
Schenker: Better 13 for you if you're doing that many!
Schoenberg(scowls as if hit): I won't have you insulting me!
(Tchaik looks around, wondering if anyone else is hearing this.)
Schenker: Your ideas of the workout are just as irresponsible as your ideas about music!
Schoenberg: You are the one with the ridiculous theories! You would build up all types of meta-structures then miss the most important points!!
Schenker: The important points ARE the structures! One is not going to gain strong biceps without a strong back! The foundation is essential!
Schoenberg: One is not going to build strong biceps unless one works the biceps in detail!!!
(A gym official walks over)
GymOfficial: Heeeyyy Arnold and Heinrich, good to see you back again. I see you're having a debate, but it looks like this gentleman is waiting for the machine.. (They all turn to Tchaikovsky, who is just watching.)
Tchaik: Oh - I - actually I wasn't waiting..
Schenker: Do I know you?
Tchaik: Uh - no..?
Schenker: hm.
Schoenberg: Don't you teach music at the university?
(GymOfficial looks annoyed as now all three of them are talking and no one is using the machine.)
Tchaik: no, sir, you must have me mistaken for someone else. My favorite musician is Dave Matthews.
(Schoenberg and Schenker have the same reaction: they both fake a smile and turn back to each other)
Schoenberg: I don't know how you can even call it a workout when you do 3 reps.
Schenker: When one truly challenges the muscles, one can work them to exhaustion in only three reps!!
Schoenberg: It's nonsense.
(Tchaik heads away, shaking his head, but at least he is glad to have the opportunity for escape)
Tchaik: I don't know how Johannes can be friends with these people....
Back at the house, Strozzi wanders into the TV room, where Schumann is carefully rearranging the knickknacks on the table next to the armchair. She watches a moment.
Strozzi: Uh, hey Robert.
Schumann: mmm..... ? (turns around, doily in hand) It has a pretty face?
Strozzi: What are you doing?
Schumann: August cleaning. (puts doily on her head, goes to coffee table, picks up an empty bottle, moves it over two inches, puts it back down; nods satisfactorily)
Strozzi: So..... have you seen Johannes?
Schumann: ah, methinks the sphinx is riddling a canon.
Strozzi: Where?
Schumann(turns head sideways, as if stretching neck): In both the tiniest and most universal of confines!
Strozzi: I meant Johannes. Where is he?
Schumann(turns head in opposite direction): Basement?
Strozzi: Good - (puts the doily on the coffee table, notices an ID card) Hey, what's --- this is Modest's old driver's license! hahahhaah!
Schumann: how now? (looks with her)
Strozzi: hahaha! He left it here!! hahah! How's he supposed to get a new one? -- Wow, look how clean-cut he was! He wasn't kidding about the "bygone days of his foppish youth", was he?
Schumann: Indeed.
Strozzi: hahaha, Hildegard should see this. She'd be amused. (takes it, exits; Schumann turns back to the table, addresses it severely)
Schumann: Gentlemen, this is no time for that.
Mozart is just going to the front door when Wagner comes through it.
Mozart: Ah, just on time, Richard. I thought I'd have to kick you out!
Wagner: I nearly kicked HIM out. Beware, my Comrade, Mr. Mahler is in no mood to be trifled with!
Mozart: Oh? Is that his fault or yours?
Wagner: Neither. It is simply the Nature of the True Artist to have a demanding eye for detail. However, I only wish he were not so ... difficult about it. Well - (waves dismissively at the porch) off with you!
Meanwhile, Strozzi has passed on the incriminating driver's license to Hildegard.
Strozzi: Thought you'd be amused. (dumps it in Hildegard's lap)
Hildegard: What is -- WHAT! How old is --- hahah!
Strozzi: Yes.
Hildegard(shakes her head): We have to reform him!
Strozzi: That's your mission; I'm having nothing to do with it. I have enough missions of my own these days... heh heh (exit. Hildegard is left with the ID; sighs)
Upstairs Strozzi is pulled into a bedroom by Tchaik. He closes the door secretively.
Tchaik: Barbara, we need to talk.
Strozzi: Yes?
Tchaik: We need to go on a new mission-
Strozzi: I don't know, Pyotr, given the success of the Ludwig-Makeover Mission --
Tchaik: No, seriously, we need to out Modest before Hildegard goes and does anything stupid.
Strozzi(snickers): Isn't it a little late for that?
Tchaik(opens mouth, closes it again): -- Well - with HIM!
Strozzi: And... if he's really gay, won't that prevent her from doing anything stupid with him?
Tchaik: We need to Out Modest.
Strozzi: Yeah, yeah. I'm on to your schemes - You just want to scare off Arseny so you don't have to deal with your insane jealousy--
Tchaik: what?!! I - That-- NO-
Strozzi(grinning): Uh huh... I know you better than that, Pyotr.
Tchaik: I'm never home when he comes to visit anyway, so it d--
Strozzi : The mere mention of the word "Arseny" sends you into a drooling fit of lust. And just because you want him, every male in the house also
has to - am I right?
Tchaik(blushing): NO!
Strozzi: AND, Arseny is not one of your kind anyway. That I can vouch for.
Tchaik: Was he flirting with you?!
Strozzi: Indeed, a poet! How charming! Why am I dating a conductor?
Tchaik: gr... We definitely need to Out Modest.
Strozzi: I don't know why you want to claim him anyway.. drunk slob? I don't understand!
Tchaik: Why do you THINK he's a drunk slob?? God - I don't believe you about Arseny; it's obvious you have no gaydar!
Strozzi(throws up hands): Then there's no reason to recruit me in this half-baked plot! I have enough missions these days! (exit)
Tchaik: hmm.. who else can I recruit?
In the piano room, Richard Wagner is sitting on the couch with Papi on his arm. He is speaking very deliberately to the bird.
Wagner: "Gesammtkunstwerk"
Papi: G'DAY
Wagner(waves a warning finger): No. "Gesammt..."
Papi GESSAAAATT
Wagner: Close. "GesammmMMMMt"
Papi: GESAMMTT
Wagner: Excellent! (Enter Tchaik)
Tchaik: Richard, you have excellent gaydar.
Wagner: Indeed, the artistic soul has great insight into the human Psyche.
Tchaik: Well, (sits on sofa) We need to Out Modest.
Wagner: Wherefore?
Tchaik: well - he'll be a happier person!
Wagner: He seems perfectly content now.
Tchaik: drunk all the time?!
Muss(has appeared in doorway, bag from KFC hanging off arm): first imanalcoholic nowimgay whatsnext?
Tchaik(luckily facing away, beet red): uh... hi Modest...
Papi: GAY
Wagner: No, "G'DAY"
Papi: G'DAY!
Muss(leans against sofa next to Tchaik): Now Pyotr justbecauseyouregoingthrougha roughtime inyourlifes no good reasonto impose your sexualidentityon therestof theworld theres plentyof gay russian menin this world they dont necessarilyhaveto liveinthe same house withyou.
Wagner: Could you gentlemen please take this conversation elsewhere? I would prefer Papi's first complete sentence not to be "Pardon me, I'm having a sexual identity crisis..."
Papi: CRISIS
Wagner(sighs), No, "Gesammtkunstwerk."
Papi: GESAMMTKUERK
Muss: (shrugs, wanders out again)
Tchaik: agh...
Meanwhile in the basement, with Mozart out of the house, Brahms has found precious time alone with the pool table. He is pondering life's mysteries as he practices. Enter Strozzi who sits on the sofa behind him.
Strozzi: Hey Johannes.
Brahms(lining up shot, mumbles) ...yeahey
Strozzi: I've been looking all over for you.
Brahms: (squints at the pocket, frowns, moves a fraction to the left)
Strozzi: Robert didn't know where you were, although he guessed right.
Brahms: (frowns again, steps back, stands to full height and reassesses shot)
Strozzi: So, I know you've been going through difficulties trying to find a decent job.. One that doesn't involve pizza or serving idiot customers...
Brahms: (lining up shot again)
(Strozzi rolls eyes, gets up, walks around to other side of table, leans over directly in his line of vision, hands on table. She is conveniently wearing a lowish-cut top.)
Strozzi: hey you....
Brahms(freezes): uh...
Strozzi: I'm talking to you...
Brahms(blinks): .... (stands back again, rubs forehead) uh, yeah. (frowns) What?
Cut to foyer, enter work crew--
Zacara: EAT TIME!
Ives: What a long Monday!
Bach: Where's my mail? (looks into TV room) Where's Modest? Robert, where's our mail?
Schumann(turns around,head at angle): Naturally you didn't know I was wearing my special Super B long thermal underwear!
Zacara: uh.... I need to eat. (exit; Bach and Ives follow. In the kitchen they are surprised to find Mussorgsky sitting at the table surrounded by numerous KFC boxes.)
Bach: What is this??
Muss(points): thats chicken... (points at another box) thats potatoes.... (munch) thass red beans and rice
Ives: enough said! (sits, grabs paper plate, starts dishing out the potatoes)
Bach: Modest, this is a KFC Complete Dinner for TEN!
Zacara: Youre not going to eat this ALL by yourself, are you?
Muss: Obviously not. someone should make a salad. I got what I want and so you think you can dance is on soon (takes plate, leaves)
Ives: FOOD!!
(The work force only has a few moments of KFC bliss before the smell attracts other housemates.)
Liszt: How did you know I was in the mood for fried chicken?
Zacara: sit.
(enter Tchaik)
Tchaik: What's all this?
Bach: Sit! Modest brought home food for everyone!
Zacara: yeah but he didn't get our mail.
(Enter Schumann)
Schumann: Holy chicken poppers! (steals the chair right out of Liszt's hand before the man can sit) As the very mother barn swallow feeds her starving chicklets!
(Enter Mozart)
Mozart: CHICKEN!!!!!
(followed by Beethoven)
Beet: So it's true...
Ives: I'm famished!
In the foyer, Brahms comes huffing up the basement stairs, Strozzi following along. They pause outside the kitchen and continue the argument.
Brahms: NOT FOR ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY IN THE WORLD!!
Strozzi: But it's PERFECT! You can write music and have it performed in public, and they'll pay YOU!
Brahms: You can't sing string quartets! God, I can't even sing at all! How cou--
Strozzi: Yes, you can sing perfectly well - granted, it's in the alto range, but who cares?
Brahms: grrrr....! I am NOT directing a women's chorus! No way! What are you thinking?! All those old biddies singing off-key! Good God! I have a headache just thinking about it --
Strozzi: No, come on, some of them will be young - and cute!
Brahms: Oh yeah, someone's 14-year-old granddaughter, right? NO WAY!!
Strozzi: Well I don't know what -- look, if you want to tell them no then you'll just have to do it yourself. Now Betty the current organizer of the affair is coming over in ... (looks at watch) oh, 15 minutes to talk to you about it.
Brahms: WHAT?! You already --?!!
Strozzi: Shh! (grabs him by the shoulders) Johannes. Just do it. It will improve your people skills for the future when you are a famous composer and are overbooked at various concerts and awards and have to turn people down. (goes into TV room, talking out loud) God, these artistic types!
( Brahms wrings hands at ceiling; Bach calls from the kitchen, above the loud chatter and laughter.)
Bach: Hey Hannes! Come help feed Robert!
Brahms(turns): huh? (leans in; Schumann is sitting at the table and Zacara is throwing chicken poppers into his open mouth one at a time)
Ives: He thinks he's a seal! hahahah!
(Schumann claps his hands)
Brahms(shakes head): I hope you have a lot of kids, Robert... (suddenly one of Zacara's chicken poppers bounces off Schumann's head and lands with a splash in Liszt's soda. Liszt scowls at the stains on his dress shirt)
Liszt: you know, Robert.... sometimes the stupid tricks are just stupid tricks..
Schumann(loftily): Mr. Liszt should know all about stupid tricks. (claps hands, seallike)
Liszt: I didn't think you held such attitudes about women-
Schumann(suddenly angry): Befoul not the fair sex - I spoke of your MUSIC!
Zacara: Now don't fight, you two, it's communal free food time in the kitchen! Everyone should be a big ball of love! (they glare at each other; Zacara smirks, picks up their drinks, dumps them over each) THEREEE you go-
Liszt: WHAT THE HELL--
Schumann: The ocean to the seal! (splutters merrily)
Bach: HAhahaha!!
Tchaik: oh god - now you're in for it! (Liszt grabs the rice container and throws it, shooting its contents over everyone at the table) AGHE - NOT ME!
(food fight breaks out)
Soon in the den, Strozzi and Mussorgsky are watching So You Think You Can Dance?
Strozzi: Ah,commercials - what are they doing out there?
Muss: (lazily) food fight
Strozzi(turns around, peeks out cutains): Oh great! Looks like she brought a couple friends!! HAH! Excellent!
Muss: huh?
Strozzi: I'm setting Johannes up with a women's chorus gig.
Muss: hahahaahahah!! the only thing betterwould bea gay men's chorus
Strozzi: Nah, he can be the bouncer at their concerts! (they laugh; the doorbell rings and Brahms stalks over to it, muttering to himself. Strozzi and Muss observe through the open doorway. Muss mutes the TV so they can hear better.)
Brahms: bloody old biddies.. surprised they remember where the house is... (opens door - instantaneous change of expression and tone) Hi, I'm Johannes. One of you must be Betty? (Strozzi starts laughing, buries her face in Mussrgsky's shoulder to keep quiet)
Volkers(shakes hands): Yes, I'm Betty - and this is my sister Marie - and our friend Bertha
(Suddenly a chicken popper comes flying through the foyer and bounces off the wall inches away from the open door; the three girls step back, half amused, half alarmed.)
Schumann: MARCO!!!!
Brahms: ah... You must excuse my housemates -- (picks up chicken, chucks it back down hall) POLO!!! -- But there's nothing like a good food fight for encouraging the storied artistic inspiration.
Marie: How Bohemian!
Brahms(mock concern): Yea, are you sure you want to work with a composer? (they grin) Why don't we chat on the porch then? (steps out with them, closes door)
Strozzi: AHAH!! Turn down THAT job, will you? (balls hand into fist) Score!
Muss: if this works youvedone a great service to thehouse you realize
Strozzi: I know, and that's enough work for one day! Quick, turn it back up - the commercials are over..
A little later: Enter Mozart, who stands confused in the foyer. The food fight rages on, though the site has moved back to the kitchen. Occasionally an article of food flies into the foyer.
Mozart: HEY! HEY! (looks into TV room, where Strozzi and Mozart are looking back at him) What's up with Johannes and three hot girls on the porch? What the heck is that?
Strozzi: He's going to direct a women's chorus.
Mozart: HAHAHAH! He can't sing!
Strozzi: I don't know how everyone thinks you need to be able to sing to direct a choir!
Mozart: It's true. Gustav can't sing and he directs the opera.
Muss: IN FACT the only two people in this entire household who can sing are sitting right here on this couch! (they high five)
Mozart: eeehhh... women's chorus! Unfair!!
Strozzi: Wolfy, how's Gustav?
Mozart: Hm? Oh yes, he's a bit grumpy. He was complaining about Richard being extravagant in his demands. I told him he had only himself to thank for that, which, come to think of it, I'm not sure he appreciated very much. huh, well, you should go talk to him, Barbara.
Strozzi: Me? I don't want to deal with him either if he's in a bad mood!
Mozart: No! Once you go over there he won't BE in a bad mood! And if he still is you should just dump him immediately. (winks)
Strozzi: Thank you, Wolfgang!
Mozart: Yea (peeks out front door peephole) NOT FAIR - a whole chorus of cute girls who can sing?! WHY GOD?! WHY?
Strozzi: Wolfy! There's a food fight in the kitchen!
Mozart: WHAT?! SWEET! (runs down hall)
Strozzi(to M): Don't tell him the women's chorus thing was my idea.
Muss: Im not stupid you know (mutes the TV at the commercials; they can overhear the foodfight again)
Mozart: WHAT IS THAT?! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WE HAD CHEESECAKE!
Schumann: TALLY HO!!
Hildegard(from foyer): WHAT ARE YOU MALE MORONS DOING?! I LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR 20 MINUTES AND YOU TEAR THE PLACE APART!!
Strozzi: ahhh, it's good that everything's getting back to normal around here.