A New Nuisance
Zacara: You know, I will never dispute your ability to use the grill, but the proportions of this omelet are all wrong. There's way too much mushroom and not enough cheese in here. Tastes like French cuisine-
Bach: Oh for pity's sake- Go wake up Hannes and have him cook you one.
Zacara: He needs to stop this work business.
Bach: It's true. His free coffee from the coffee elves at the newspaper is quickly piling up. (cut to shot of pantry; three bags of ground coffee are
stacked haphazardly on the floor)
Zacara: It's affecting everything! I mean, what good is a household without a few good little workless Bohemians to get your mail � cook your
breakfast??
Bach: I won't tell him you said that.
Zacara: Eh, maybe I should just bring him with me and get him a job at the office. You know, it'll be like Take Your Daughter to Work Day!
Bach: hahah! God will truly thank you for your benevolence.
Zacara: yea, that's the problem.
Bach: You know what else is a problem?
Zacara: What's that?
Bach: The two of us going to work on a Saturday!
Zacara: Hey, you don't make the sort of money I do working 40 hours a week.
Bach: And God knows no rest, it's true.
Zacara: bloody French cuisine..
Liszt and Strozzi are explaining yesterday's events to Tchaikovsky when Brahms sticks his head into the kitchen.
Liszt: So then she looks over and sees your reporter: "Ooh, that's Vince
Gumbel. He's a reporter for the Free Press. Isn't he cute?"
Strozzi: hahahah! She asked YOU if he was cute? Why are you dating this one?!
Liszt(shrugs): She asked me out.
Strozzi: And what did you say about Gumbel?
Liszt: Oh.. if you can't find anything nice to say..
Strozzi: Amen! What a bore he was!
Tchaik: Hey Johannes, aren't you supposed to be writing fugues by now?
Brahms(goes to pantry): Yeah, I can't get any work done. I slept til 7!
Strozzi: Oh GOD � that bad! hahaa!
(Enter Beethoven)
Beet: Where's Robert? I got attacked by a possum last night.
Liszt(chuckles): I thought they weren't carnivorous?
Brahms: That's what they want you to think....Uh - I didn't just say that, did I?
Strozzi: Maybe it would be safer if you slept inside, Ludwig�
Beet(frowns): but I was inside..
Brahms: you ass, the dogloo doesn't count!
Tchaik: No, it's safer to sleep outside than in one's own bed these days! (Brahms has just sat with bowl of Wheaties, looks at Tchaik) No, I wasn't talking about you. Although Hildegard is still wearing her vow of silence sign. Something needs to be done about that. Rehearsals for the morality play have stopped!
Strozzi(starts laughing): NO! we had one last night! It was amazing!
Liszt: Albeit not very productive... When is the performance anyway? (silence) Ah, good...
Strozzi(to Tchaik) So whatever happened last night? I want to hear about Yuri.
Tchaik: Oh, well it was very nice. I was pleasantly surprised in spite of myself. So I showed up 5 minutes late. He had cooked a nice pesto-
Strozzi: ooh!
Liszt: What kind of wine?
Beet(meanwhile, to Brahms): So did you have a 12-hour shift yesterday?
Brahms: No, I quit.
Beet(amused): That's a new record, right? 24 hours?
Tchaik: He let me choose. So I asked if he had any Chianti � of course not. Well, what about a Cabernet?
Brahms: ..these idiot customers. Stupid guy is sitting there complaining, "You picked out the wrong wine!!"
Tchaik(looks at him): Huh?
Brahms: Not you � some idiot customer at the restaurant.
Beethoven: I didn't even know they had wine at Ruby Tuesdays
Liszt(sniffs in amusement): They shouldn't..
Tchaik: Yeah, I think of them as more of a margarita-establishment.
Brahms: You're right. And so this guy sits there complaining about everything else �"the meat's too rare," "My string beans should be seasoned
with thyme, not rosemary" -- was he trying to impress his girlfriend with his vast culinary expertise? I don't know, but I was ready to throw him out
by the end.
Beethoven: Amazing customer service as usual.
Tchaik: Hey, Johannes, if you really want to throw people out, you should just take this bouncer job at the XES club. Their bouncer just quit.
(Everyone bursts into laughter.)
Brahms(not laughing): what�? That would be better than kowtowing to these idiots all day long (they laugh harder) What? Oh you don't think I could�
Strozzi: Well, heheh � it's just.. not the first thing that comes to mind when I think of jobs for you!
Brahms(folds arms petulantly): I could be a bouncer.
Beet: Ahahah! That's the funniest thing I've heard in a long time! Hahahah!
Brahms(stands defiantly): So! You have no faith in me! But I'll prove you wrong, damn it. It's all a matter of confidence. Who are these people �
what's their number?
Tchaik: hahahahah XES-- phone book � ahhahahah
Brahms: Fine. (grabs phone book, stalks out)
Beet: (head in arms on table) hahahahahahah-
Liszt: haaaahhhh (wipes tear from corner of eye) ah, I've never seen Ludwig laugh so hard.
Strozzi: ahahah � ahh� hehh - Aren't you going to tell him it's a gay club, Pyotr?
Tchaik(shrugs): Well that's obvious, isn't it?
Beet: HAHAHAHAHHA!!!
Noon: Strozzi finds Beethoven under the tree outside. She sits next to him.
Strozzi: So, Ludwig...
Beethoven: Hi Barbara.
Stozzi: So we're thinking of buying a new piano.
Beethoven: What?
Strozzi: If everyone chips in a thousand dollars, we can get a decent one.
Beethoven: I'll chip in more than that... But you have to promise not to let Richard play it too often. He doesn't know what he's doing.
Strozzi(snckers): I won't tell him you said that. Well, we want to have a reconaissance mission tomorrow at the store at hte mall - will you come with us?
Beethoven: uh, yeah, I'm free all day. Count me in.
Strozzi: Excellent.
Midday: Richard Wagner has been out, and now cautiously tips open the front door and sticks his head in to survey the area. Muss, drunk on the TV sofa, calls him out.
Muss: AHH whatareyou doing richard??
Wagner(noise of exasperation): Is no Man free to enter the house as he pleases!?
Muss: you canenter! just dontbe sneakin (Wagner sighs and pushes open the door with his foot, revealing that he has
a huge gilded bird cage in his arms.)
Wagner: Now then, you must excuse my lazy ne'er do well housemates; some of them call themselves composers, but--
Voice from outside: oh certainly I would believe that for mere composing, they probably name themselves rightly, for you, dear Richard, have
transcended mere composition!
(Cut to Muss, who looks as if he's swallowed bad alcohol. He glances to the foyer and sees Wagner with the birdcage, followed by a handsome young man wearing a white dress shirt, open collar and a mauve jacket, sleek dark blue jeans; carrying a small box with air holes. Muss looks more confused.)
Wagner: I believe the proper place for Papi is the piano room where he may bask in the sunlight, and enjoy my Art as I create it.
Ludwig(surveying room): A bit small, but quite cozy! He should do well. (sets down box on coffee table) I'll fetch the stand-
Wagner: I wouldn't have--
Ludwig: No, I'll get it (darts out again; Wagner shrugs)
(Muss is overtaken by curiosity and removes himself to the piano room sofa where he can watch better.)
Muss: whatsall thisthen?
Wagner: We are welcoming the 14th member of the household: Papi. (gestures at box; Muss looks unimpressed)
Muss: whatsthat - some bird?
Wagner: "some bird!" Papi is one of the threatened Major Mitchell cockatoos, a majestic species indeed!
(Re-enter Ludwig carrying a metal stand. He is alarmed at the sight of Muss sprawled on the couch in such a way that he looks about to fall off, but Ludwig recovers before anyone notices and sets down the stand next to the window.)
Ludwig: This is one of your composer-housemates, Richard?
Wagner: Ah, yes, or so he would have us believe. This is Modest. He enjoys the odd adult beverage every now and then.
Muss: areyou the patron?
Wagner: "Patron" such a crass word; more like the Divine condescended from Above to aide in the creation of the Complete Artwork!
Muss(skeptical): aaanndd... bird installation?
(Ludwig is amused in spite of himself.)
Wagner: Verily, he is a Man of many talents. His taste in exotic fauna is on level with his taste in Art!
Ludwig: I'm Ludwig - I think I recognize your voice. Perhaps I spoke once with you on the phone?
Muss: ohhhh yeahh youre the kingof bavaria!!
Ludwig: Well, not exactly. Yes, the family has owned land there for centuries, but.. I'm not sure exactly where I stand in the lineage at this
point...(gazes out window distractedly) ah well... it makes for pleasant summer vacations... --when South America becomes tiresome, at least.
(Muss looks completely bewildered; Wagner meanwhile sets the cage on the stand, steps back to admire.)
Wagner: This seems to me to be the best option. And I suppose Papi would enjoy the South American scenery, although he is native to Australia.
Ludwig(lights up): Oh he would! We should vacation with him! A week-long tour of Belem, along the beautiful Amazon river!
Wagner(frowns, mutters): opera houses in Brazil..... No, Bavaria would be preferable.
Muss(still confused): sooo...isthis gonnabe oneofthose loud birds?
Wagner(takes box, opens lid and puts in his hand up the elbow): Nonsense. Papi shall learn to speak. (he brings up his arm again, with the bird on it. Papi is a large bird, over a foot tall, and pale blush pink with a huge red and yellow crest; Wagner smiles beningly) Good Day!
Papi: EEGHK!!
Muss: ohjesus (hand to head)
Ludwig: He's beautiful!
Wagner: Yes. (to bird) Good Day!
Ludwig: What a majestic animal! Only such a creature is suited for you, Richard.
Papi: G'DAY!!
Wagner: There, see? He already speaks. The rest of the language comes simply.
Papi: G'DAY! (walks up Wagner's arm, snuggles against his face)
Wagner: Hand raised with care, and thus, very affectionate (pets bird with finger)
(Enter Charles Ives)
Ives: Who's got a friggin PARROT IN --- (sees it) Good GOD! What IS that thing?
Wagner: Papi is a Major Mitchell's cockatoo, although this species is also appropriately called the Pink Cockatoo.
Ives(appalled): You got a PINK PARROT!?! What's the MATTER with you, man?! Are you going to dress it up in all that pink silk you keep buying?
Muss: ahahahah!
Ludwig(the discerning look of distaste): Dear Richard, this is not another of your housemates, is it?
Wagner: It Is, I'm afraid.
Ives(offended): And this is some... bird salesman, I take it? He sure looks like he would know a lot about exotic plumage!
Muss(laughs): shuttup you ass youretalkingtothe kingof bavaria!!!
Ives: right well I didn't know it was Halloween time around here! (storms off, talking to self) crazies... all of them..who lets these people...
Ludwig(concerned): Such Genius among .... hm...
(Enter Strozzi)
Strozzi: What's going -- OH IT'S BEAUTIFUL! (runs over to bird; Wagner turns protectively)
Wagner: Gently now, gently, Papi is still adjusting-
Papi: G'DAY!!
Strozzi: You're so cute! Papi? (notices Ludwig) Oh, excuse me - you have a guest! Is this the famous Ludwig?
Ludwig(blush): You talk about me, Richard!
Muss: yeah andthatsreally sayingsomething since heusually onlytalksabout himself!
Strozzi: (stifles a chuckle)
Bach and Zacara return at 5 and go straight for the kitchen. Bach sits himself primly at the table and folds his hands.
Bach: You're cooking!
Zacara: What?!
(Enter Ives)
Ives(sits): Good! Someone's cooking!
Bach: After this morning I wouldn't want to offend your tastes with anything too French!
Zacara: Oh for Christ's sake. Fine. Charles, you see any Marsala in that wine rack? I'll show you how to cook with mushrooms!
Ives: I'd say there's about a cup of marsala left.
Zacara: Good, now thaw out some chicken.
Ives: I thought YOU were cooking!
Zacara: I AM! You think I'm gonna let you touch the seasonings? J.S , set the table.
Bach: Ohhh, what have I done?
40 minutes later, they are seated around the table enjoying the meal.
Bach: See? It's good.
Zacara: Don't have to tell me.
Ives: I prefer a real man's meal: meat and potatoes.
Zacara: No no no, the sophisticated man's meal: meat and PASTA!
Bach: However, if Charles wants to cook chuck roast and baked potatoes tomorrow, that's fine by me!
Zacara: Nah, a real man doesn't know how to cook!
Ives: A real man shouldn't HAVE to cook because hes already worked all damned day long�
(From the piano room: "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWKKK!")
Zacara: What the hell is that? Someone's parakeet?
(Enter Schumann, who sniffs appreciatively)
Bach: Robert, was that you?
Ives: That's Richard's new pink pet! some damned cockatoo or something
Schumann(produces deck of cards like a magician making flowers): Bridge, gentlemen.
Zacara: Ohhhhh, no, last time I played bridge I had nightmares.
Schumann: The wounds of battle, indeed. (sits, starts dealing. The others watch silently� the teams seem to be Bach and Zacara, who nod at each other; and Schumann and Ives)
Bach: Well, Antonio, how do you think we make a bridge pair?
Zacara: Aw, I can't do it. They don't deserve it!
Ives(looking at hand): Oh shut up and bid.
Zacara: Witness: he asked for it. One club!
Bach: (looking at his hand, glances over at the bid and raises an interested eyebrow)
7:30; Tchaikovsky finds Hildegard in their room reading quietly.
Tchaik: Hey Hildegard
Hildegard: (looks up, nods)
Tchaik: How's it going?
Hildegard: (points at sign)
Tchaik: Yeah I know but.. we're kind of hoping you'll speak to us again.. I mean, why deprive everyone of your superior intellect and communicative
skills? (she rolls her eyes) Ok, so the morality play was a disaster last night without you. (she looks at him quizzically) I know I wasn't home, but I've heard from everyone that they tried to have a rehearsal with Modest directing, but... uh... he wasn't .. sober enough to see it through (she scowls). Yeah, we need you back, Hildegard. Why punish EVERYONE?
Hildegard: (frowns, shakes head)
Tchaik: But... Hildegard, I'm sure you're absolved of all sin by now anyway. Look, no one holds it against you. We all make stupid mistakes,
besides, it could have been Charles--
Hildegard: (makes face as if taken bite from rotten meat)
Tchaik: yeah - we were thinking of sending him --
Hildegard: (waves off the subject, scowling)
Tchaik: So yeah, it could have been worse anyway. But we want you back amongst us, talking to us, bossing us around (she smirks) Do you need me to do the rites or-? Ok, just-- Look, (moves hands about) I hereby declare you free of sin, in the name of the Father, the Son and the .. uh - Holy Dove of Joy, or whatever it is --
Hildegard(laughs): ahh... thanks, Pyotr
Tchaik: She speaks!
Hildegard: I guess I should by now.. I have a peace of sorts.. with myself.
Tchaik: Good, now you can direct the morality play again. Modest is.... uh... he has some interesting conceptions of what directing entails.
Hildegard: Was it that bad?
Tchaik: .... yeah, he took.. uh.. some liberties with the script so I hear. He brought his friends. That poet Arseny - he's smoking hot - it kills me,
why am I never home when ---- anyway, uh, some painter - the painter wants to do the sets.
Hildegard(enthusiastically): oh great!
Tchaik: -in the style of an '80s music video on VH1.
Hildegard: WHAT?!!
Tchaik: Yeah, I thought you should know about that sooner rather than later. Barbara is all into it. She was searching for leg warmers this
morning
Hildegard(shakes head): This is a disaster... I take a break for 3 days....(stands, straightens shoulders, removes sign)..all right, where is
he?
Tchaik: Downstairs.
Hildegard: Very well... (exit)
Hildegard finds Mussorgsky on the sofa in the TV room. The TV is on, but he is staring at a composition notebook, bottle in hand, pencil behind ear.
Hildegard: Well this is new!
Muss(looks up): ohyoure talking again good
Hildegard: indeed. (sits next to him, wraps arm around his shoulder, pulls him close - he is surprised) My dear Modest....
Muss: Uh? you know i'm suspicious when people call me that.
Hildegard: They tell me you directed my morality play while I was spending time alone...
Muss: yea thats right
Hildegard: They tell me you took liberties with the script...
Muss: itwas anexercise dont worry your romance novelsstill intact
Hildegard(frowns): They tell me you got your artist friends involved...
Muss: yeah Arseny didnt have anything to say but Viktor wants to do the sets--
Hildegard: --in the style of AN '80S MUSIC VIDEO!?!
Muss(struggles to free himself): heyhey softly ihave sensitive eardrums-
Hildegard(does not let him go): I would strangle you but then I'd have to spend another three days of purification-
Muss: only three for murder??
Hildegard: Maybe two if you keep provoking me. Honestly, I thought there was hope for you, Modest. -- 80S MUSIC VIDEO?! what were you thinking?! Or wait - should I inquire how far along the "Sober-Drunk Continuum" you were?
Muss: Ill allow thati wasa little tipsy
Hildegard(shaking him with both hands): TIPSY - a MORALITY play-- on VH1?!
Muss: hey hey ithought itwould be an ironic yet nostalgic postmodern commentary onthe current stateof moral affairs in music how low have we
fallenthat the 80s can look appealing again that bygone time of naive optimism?
Hildegard(pauses - suddenly breaks down again): O, but it's true! (cries into his shoulder) OOOHhhh, the '80s! how mislead and yet how simple! agh, for the days of smurfs and tape players!
Muss(tries to pat her on the back, is constrained by her arms): there there hildegard we know its beenan emotionally trying week for you andim sure the fasting and midnight vigils dont help soif its emotional resonancesare too much right now wecan always revert tothe postapocalyptic zombie buddhist temple scenario
Hildegard: WHAT!!!?
Muss: or..... the timeless placeless.. morality play setting that you had in mind originally?
Hildegard: (sits back) You tell me how the GOAT costumes are going to work in a 1980s music video !
Muss: thegoat costumes fit right in those videosare perfect for staging becausetheyre so open to interpretation-
Hildegard(shakes head): I shouldn't be talking to you when you're drunk. You always out-argue me when you're drunk.
Muss: imjust glad youre talking again
Hildegard(head in hand): I don't know why you need to drink all the time. Look, you reek of alcohol - STOP DRINKING! (he frowns, shrugs; Hildegard mumbles to herself) theres such hope for you if youd just stop drinking all the time...
Muss: didyou meet richards parrot papi?
Hildegard: Don't sit there and change the-- parrot??
Muss: itsinthe other room (points bottle across hall) itsa paleand delicate shadeof pink
Hildegard: This I have to see... (exit)
Five and a half hours later�.Schumann is playing another masterful hand of bridge; Ives watches appreciatively.
Bach: It almost makes me want to use the Lord's name in vain, Robert...
Schumann(matter of factly): Curses will be best received if addressed to the tomatoes. (picks up another trick; pauses, looks at Zacara) You sir, must surrender your Lady Love. (throws a jack of hearts)
Zacara(looks at Bach): Allow me: JESUS CHRIST! He has laser eyes! How did you know the distribution --?!!
Schumann(picks up next trick, lays down the last four cards of his hand): It's all he wrote.
Bach: Ach... Who keeps dealing these hands?!
Ives(takes cards, shuffles, deals): You dealt the last one! Now I don't want to hear any complaining -- You two at least understand each other when
you bid. I don't know what's going on half the time!
Zacara: Well, it's obviously not affecting your score! You guys are up by 700!!
Bach: Yeah, you don't argue with Robert when he's on a roll.. However, (pauses, superciliously to Schumann) That is about to end Right Now.
(Grand Pause; Zacara enjoys the silence before bidding.)
Zacara: One Spade.
Schumann: Takeout.
Ives: That Is Not a Real Bid!
Schumann: Double your pleasure - Dumblemint Gum. Takeout, I said.
Ives: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!
(The other two laugh)
Bach: I think he means double for take-out.
Zacara: Don't help them!!
Ives: What!? Last time he wanted double for take-out it was something about "doppelgangers"!!
Bach: Hahahahah! (gestures at Ives) It's been 5 hours and he still hasn't figured him out! He NEEDS help!
(Suddenly the front door slams open; they can hear Brahms from the foyer.)
Brahms: PYOTR ILYCH TCHAIKOVSKYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Schumann(stands at table): YOUNG EAGLE! DOUBLEMINT GUM ON THE TAKEOUT MENU!!
Papi(from piano room): G'DAY!
Brahms(appears in doorway, looking murderous): Did you get a PARROT, Robert?! Ths pirate thing needs to stop!
Bach: ahahahah!
(Zacara's cell phone goes off, he answers.)
Zacara: Pronto...che fai?....CHE!!! (looks at Brahms, laughs) ... ha,ha!! no, no, non posso parlare adesso...Si, Io mi assicurer�, eh...a mandare
quello a lui...heheh, certo...Ciao! (hangs up, looks at Brahms) What the HELL were you doing at XES!?
Brahms: Was that him!?
Ives: What is going on?
Zacara: Lucca says he went to his favorite club and Lo and Behold! There's his favorite preacher checking ID cards! Hahahahahahhaa!
Brahms: I'm going to kill him.
Zacara: Aw, don't kill poor Lucca! He hasn't done any harm!
Brahms: That's debatable� I MEANT Pyotr. He neglected to mention it was a gay club!!
Ives: You were working at a gay club?! What in the hell's the matter with you?!
Schumann(nods head gravely): Aye, he's taken the Greeks to heart.
Brahms: no, no � Pyotr only mentioned there was this bouncer job open �
Bach: Wait- you took a job as a bouncer?! AHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!
Zacara: At Lucca's favorite club!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!
Ives: That is pretty funny, actually. Were you trying to be ironical?
(Schumann looks consternated.)
Schumann: Takeout.
Brahms: I need a drink � (opens refrigerator, rummages for beer; Strozzi and Tchaik appear, but hover cautiously in the doorway.)
Strozzi: Ah, Johannes, you're back in one piece!
Brahms: grrr barely!
Tchaik(grinning): Natives friendly, were they?
Brahms: YOU! (approaches threateningly) You didn't tell me it was a gay club!
Tchaik(hides behind Strozzi): Sorry, I thought you knew- I mean, it was ME!
Brahms: how was I supposed to know!? I kept waiting for all the hot girls to show up!
Strozzi: ahahahahah-
Tchaik: Do you think I go to straight clubs?!
Brahms(opens beer, chugs half of it): I see why the other guy quit! Every time I had to throw someone out, they were all too willing to go!!
Bach&Zacara: AHAHAHAHA!!!
Tchaik: heh, normally the bouncer doesn't have that much work to do -- maybe they all wanted to be thrown out?!
B&Z: HAHAHAHAH!!
(Enter Wagner and Liszt)
Wagner: What is all this caterwauling?
Zacara: haha did � they�ahahah did anyone -- actually believe you were a bouncer?!
Liszt: Oh yes! How was the job?
Brahms: (looks at him, shakes head, finishes beer, goes back to fridge)
Wagner: I require an explanation!
Liszt: He took a job as a bouncer at one of Pyotr's gay clubs.
Wagner(as if this is an everyday occurrence): Ah, yes, which one?
Strozzi: ahahahah, where's Wolfy?? WOLFGAAAAAAAAAAANNNGGGG!!
Tchaik: XES.
Wagner: Indeed? (to B) Perhaps, then, you unknowingly met my patron Ludwig. He mentioned that he occasionally stops by there �
Tchaik: Your patron is gay?
Wagner(eyes narrow): MY patron, yes.
Tchaik: Damn.
Strozzi: That's what I said! He's cute. He brought the parrot today.
Tchaik(scowls): Why do I always miss these things?! I have to stop working!
(Enter Mozart)
Mozart: Oh Good, Everyone's here. Psst � gather round, there's a new scheme. (everyone listens) Tomorrow we're going to the mall to get Ludwig a makeover.
Zacara: Ooh, is everyone in on this?
Mozart: The more the merrier!
Wagner: Indeed, I keep iterating to the Man that he needs to spend more than one day per fortnight in front of the bathroom mirror. However, Genius must fly untamed, as you well know.
Strozzi: However, a little help from us can't hurt.
Bach: I can't go unless it's afternoon.
Mozart: That's fine.
(Enter Hildegard)
Hildegard: What is this? You're having a town meeting in our kitchen at midnight!? Some of us are trying to get some rest. GO TO BED!!!
Strozzi: Hildegard speaks!!
Hildegard: It's only useful for yelling at everyone.. (scowls, turns and stalks out)
(Everyone promptly turns to Brahms, who makes a point of looking at his shoes)
Brahms: uh.. maybe I can find a better job at the mall.
Zacara: Hey you could be the bouncer at Toys R Us!
(everyone roars)