Unpleasant Aftertaste
Zacara: I told you, Hildegard killed him.
Bach: I'm sure God will forgive her if she had a migraine at the time.
Zacara: Other than the fact she's been planning it for months.
Bach: heh, that's true. But if there's a trial, I'm not going, because I have enough trial nonsense with that nuisance Geyersbach, you know!
Zacara: You've been talking about that for weeks. When is it?
Bach: I don't even remember the date.. I have to check. It's coming up soon. Come on, let's get to work!
For the second breakfast shift, Hildegard, Liszt, and Tchaik show up. Strozzi, having spent a good amount of the evening out, is still sleeping in, and Ives has run off to work "before it gets too hot to move." Tchaik is smirking at Hildegard the whole time, but she ignores him.
Hildegard(head in newspaper): It's going to be disgusting today again. high of 99. 70% humidity. Only 50% chance of thunderstorms.
Liszt: Are you feeling any better today, Hildegard?
Hildegard: I'm not sure the weather will help.
Tchaik(sniffs in amusement): Maybe we'll have Johannes bring you more tea..
Hildegard: Don't you have to go to work soon, Pyotr?
Liszt: So he did bring you tea - whatever happened to him after that? He didn't come back to the game. Antonio was joking that you killed him...
Hildegard(irritably): I dontknow!
(Liszt pauses, looks at the two of them - Tchaik trying not to laugh, hand to mouth staring at the table; Hildegard completely hidden by the newspaper she's holding.)
Liszt: .............. tea, was it?
Tchaik(loses it): haahhaahah!
Hildegard(throws paper down in fury): Pyotr, you call yourself my friend!? It's abominable!
Tchaik: I'm sorry its just hilarious!! hahahhahah couldnthave been that bad! hahaha!
Hildegard: GRAH, we are not having this conversation! (storms out; Tchaik continues to laugh, Liszt waits..)
Liszt: I was right, wasn't I?
Tchaik: hahah.. ahhh... she says "The brunfelsia made me do it" hahahha
Liszt: (smiles)
Random scene:
Richard Wagner finds the piano room open and takes the bench. As he begins the Tristan und Isolde scene, he is vaguely aware of the loud rumbling noise from the air conditioner in the window. Before long, however, the air conditioner rises to the occasion, and meets Wagner's singing with its own groaning. Eventually, Wagner has to stop, turn, and face the offending machine.
Wagner: I beg your pardon!
AC: GHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Wagner: That is quite uncalled for! (he stands and tries to fix the AC, but it only groans more loudly. Wagner stands back, hands on hips) Unpardonable...
The humidity and heat conspire to make an unpleasant morning for Brahms and Beethoven, who are trying to compose outside. Beethoven has retreated to the shade of the tree; Brahms has given up trying to think and is just hanging on a branch above like a dying sloth.
Beethoven(wipes sweat off brow): It's only 11.
Brahms: nap time
Beethoven: Maybe we should eat. Or drink, and it would be more bearable.
Brahms: notgoinginside
Beethoven: You can't just not go into the house for three days, you know.
Brahms: yes i can. we can just have pizza delivered to the dogloo.
Beethoven: No! You can't order pizza to the secret lair!
Brahms: its not a secret lair..
Beethoven: I mean: You have to face up to what you've done!
Brahms(grumbles): and its not a Dostoevsky novel
(They are interrupted as the back door opens - Robert Schumann steps outside, chest out, jaw thrust forward in noble determination - - then falls back immediately at the wall of humidity. Beethoven chuckles.)
Schumann(has wilted somewhat): .... Ho, Gentlemen!
Brahms(mumbling): dontwanna hear about any hos damnit
Beethoven: I'd hit you, but it's too hot to move. (calls to Schumann) Robert! What are you doing?
Schumann: Come inside! (disappears into house)
Beethoven: (sighs)
Meanwhile, Muss is in the TV room, slouched on the sofa. He sits up, sniffs.
Muss: mm? (looks to bottle; it's empty) damn... too sober.. (hand to head) Daytime television is so less entertaining when I'm sober.. (yawns, stands, stretches) I suppose I should do something... (wanders into piano room, where Schumann is talking to himself at the keyboard; Muss ignores him, collapses on sofa and picks up phone, dials...) Hi... Mrs. Hickman? This is Modest...
Schumann: I beg your pardon (Muss waves him off as high-pitched sounds emanate from phone)
Muss: ..... Everything's going quite well. I was actually calling on account of publicity; I know our Hildegard is too much of an artist to think of these things herself...
Schumann: (looks at Muss as if he's lost an arm)
Muss: .....Yes, I was thinking you might want to invite some of the ladies and possibly the press to have some sort of exclusive interview with the star of the show, our very own Barbara Strozzi........
Later: Beethoven stares at his composition notebook in defiant concentration. Suddenly a drop- lands in the middle of his sketch. He looks up.
Beethoven: ....did you just sweat on my notebook?
Brahms: sorry (tries to move the arm that is hanging down)
Beethoven: mm... (leans against trunk, manages to stand) I think nature has defeated me today...
Brahms: whereyougoing?
(Beethoven grabs the arm and tugs Brahms unceremoniously from tree; Beethoven makes a half-hearted effort to break his fall)
Brahms: aghey!!
Beethoven: no suicide by heat stroke. We're going inside.
Brahms: but --
Beethoven: come on! (struggles into house, dragging Brahms along)
In the kitchen, Wagner is just preparing a sandwich for himself when the two Bs enter.
Wagner(not looking up): I fear the air conditioner in the living room is about to give up the ghost.
Beethoven: great (dumps Brahms into chair) I need some water. (goes about kitchen getting ice water)
Brahms: me too
Wagner(turns around, smiling smarmily): And you, sir, I'll have you know, make a very poor Tristan.
Brahms: grr... what are you talking about?
Wagner(scoffs): What am I talking about? Why what is anyone talking about?! I am talking about your ill-fated midnight tryst with Hildegard, of course!
(Brahms just stares at him, already red-faced from the heat, but more so now)
Beethoven: hah! leave it to Richard to just come out and say it. (puts glass in front of Brahms) Drink.
Brahms: who--how- what!?
Wagner: Oh, you know how these avenues of gossip operate. Everyone knows by now, it's full well noon!! (Brahms looks to Beethoven in shock)
Beethoven(shrugs): I didn't say anything.
Wagner: It's true that I always find a certain beauty when Life raises itself to the imitation of Art, for what is Art but the very perfection of all earthly potential, and indeed, the Motivation for Life to strive toward that perfection -- However, in your case, I may only say that Tristan and Isolde is no starting place for Incompetence! It would, in fact, seem that all your exploits of late have been cursed to fail; My friend, may you see now the karmic folly of stealing that which is near and dear to others. May misfortune turn her harsh hand away from you soon, lest you crack under the --
Brahms: What! Are you feeling sorry for me?! HOW DARE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR ME!
Wagner(offended): It is the privilege of the Powerful to feel pity toward the Weak; that is the very core of compassion, after all, and what is compassion but the human--
Brahms(springs up): are you trying to start a fight! What!
Wagner: Foul mortal, I have no desire to engage you in battle. It should already be abundantly apparent after last evening's competition that the distance between us --(SMACK - Brahms has thrown a punch that hits Wagner squarely in the jaw)
Brahms: ow-shit (grabs knuckles)
Beethoven: oh jesus, you guys-
Wagner: IMBECILE! (lunges back, struggle ensues)
Beethoven: Ah, damn it, can't you do this when I'm not around!!? (tries to break them apart)
(Enter Mozart, camcorder rolling)
Mozart: OHhhhhh yes! After I saw today's weather forecast I knew the fight would break out today! I KNEW IT!! (goes into announcer voice, as he tiptoes around the two fighters) Ladies and Gentlemen, this the fight you've all been waiting for - the fight of the century - the battle of the bastards! --When two musical geniuses can't agree on ANYTHING from chromatic counterpoint to breakfast or brunch! It's -- (back to normal) Hey Ludwig! get the hell out of the way!--
(Beethoven is trying to wrest from Wagner the sugar container he's grabbed; Brahms meanwhile takes the opportunity to beat W with the nearest pot)
Wagner: HELP- SEND IN THE CAVALRY! A FOUL CONSPIRACY!!
Beethoven: damn... I'm not trying - WATCH IT! (Wagner kicks Beethoven out of the way and sends him stumbling back towards Mozart, who deftly darts aside)
Beethoven: Whatever! You can kill each other! (gets up and storms away)
Mozart: Excellent! FIST FIGHT IN THE KITCHEN!! GET YER FRONT ROW SEATS NOW!
(Enter Mussorgsky who surveys appraisingly)
Muss: hey now whatsall this?
Mozart: THE FIGHT OF THE CENTURY--
(Wagner comes tumbling across the kitchen, lands in a heap at Mozart's feet)
Wagner: HMPH! (sits up, adjusts beret)
(phone rings; Muss grabs it)
Muss: Hello?
Wagner: CONFOUNDED-- (grabs a pot off the stove just in time to block a swipe from Brahms; Muss glares at them as the pots clang)
Muss: ... uh.. (cups hand over ear) Could you repeat that, sir? I didn't hear you the first time.. there's.. kind of a rumble with kitchen utensils going on right now.. and color commentating...
Mozart(meanwhile): OHHH was that a great block, ladies and gentlemen! I think Johannes should give up his day job and go into martial pot fighting! (the nearest object to Brahms, a spoon-holder on the stove, is suddenly in the air speeding towards Mozart) WOOOOOOOOOOOO! (he ducks as it flies out of the kitchen) OH WATCH- (clang) THAT WAS CLOSE!
(Suddenly Brahms is against the wall next to Mussorgsky, holding Wagner at bay with the pot - they are deadlocked when Muss reaches over and pats Wagner on the beret)
Muss: Hey hey its for you, Richard - some guy named Ludwig. He thinks hes the King of Bavaria or something.
Wagner(lights up): Ahh! My Saviour! I quit! I surrender! Cease-Fire! I shall sign the treaty later. (grabs phone, twists around into the hall so as to talk better; Brahms is still leaning against the wall, pot in hands)
Brahms: What! You can't--
Mozart: Hahahaha! (grabs B's arm, raises it above their heads) AND THE WINNER! JOHANNES BRAHMS!
Brahms: He just quit - that's no-
Mozart: No, it's better this way. You guys were going to lose some teeth if this kept up, and I don't know who's going to clean that up. I certainly wasn't. (back into announcer mode) You've just won the Fight-Of-The-Century, Johannes Brahms, what are you going to do now?! Brahms: uhh........(looks at camera, 5 inches away) Will you get thatdamnedthing out of my face!?
Mozart: Hahahah the true Artiste! No publicity - no--
Brahms: Grrr (storms out)
Muss: Ok..It's safe now.. (wipes forehead) I thought I was going to get one - you think he'd be in a better mood or something.
Mozart(been filming down hall): Why? He lost the bridge game the other night..
(Muss snorts in amusement; Mozart puts down camera, turns to him slowly)
Mozart(eyebrow up): I missed something, didn't I?
Muss(sighs, sits): You of all people.. Well sit, dear housemate, and I shall tell you a tale of great woe, one perhaps to rival that of the Russian courts with all their intrigue, because, in the end, the innocent common people are going to be the ones suffering the most from this... Mozart(sits gleefully): I shall consider myself privileged to hear so much from you when you're sober, Modest!
Muss: Oh no, I'm going to need some vodka to get me through this...
Later Strozzi finds Hildegard meditating in their room.
Strozzi: Ah, so this is where you've been hiding... (silence, no motion from Hildegard) Well??
Hildegard: I'm not speaking to you.
Strozzi(sits next to her; Hildegard does not open her eyes): What! Why not?
Hildegard: Why not?! It's all your fault. You went out with Gustav and left that MORON to bring me the willowbark.
Strozzi: ohhhh, "Willowbark!" ah, heh, I couldn't remember the name.
Hildegard(turns, eyes wide): IT REALLY IS YOUR FAULT!!
Strozzi: But I told him the mauve cannister!
Hildegard: You expect a male to know what MAUVE is?! He's probably colorblind to boot!
Strozzi(snickers): Ok, so maybe it was a little irresponsible. Blame it on Gustav!
Hildegard: Nope, no. It's a weakness to be so hung up on a guy!! Weakness--
Strozzi: Well, maybe in some cases, but...--Speaking of hu--
Hildegard: --not having this conversation. (Stands abruptly)
Strozzi: Oh, come on!
Hildegard: NOT having this conversation - I'm not speaking to you! (storms out)
Hildegard heads downstairs, incidentally at the same time Brahms is going upstairs. They almost run into each other halfway. Their eyes meet for a second before they both go red, stare at the stairs, then try to go around each other in the same direction at the same time.
Hildegard: .... hi
Brahms: .... hi
(finally they manage to continue their separate paths; Brahms hurries to his room; Strozzi notices his agitated manner and snickers.)
Strozzi: Oh Wolfgang, where are you? You're the only one who appreciates the true hilarity of the situation. (gets up, looks for Mozart)
Meanwhile Hildegard storms into the downstairs bathroom and slams the door. She stares in the mirror.
Hildegard: ugh. (turns on the water, splashes face) This didn't happen. (splashes more water, looks back in mirror) Yes, it did. (more water) Ughhh.... I guess there's only one thing to do. Repent. And purify my soul. (shudder)
Not long after, Brahms storms back downstairs - heads for front door; Robert Schumann sticks his head out of the piano room cautiously.
Schumann: Young Eagle -
Brahms: I'm getting a job. (exit, slams door)
Schumann(darkened brow): There has been much slamming of doors today... This bodes ill..
Bach returns home early. Muss meets him in the foyer, looking quizzically.
Muss: Whatsthis laziness? home early again
Bach: Excuse me, Modest, the newly-fixed air conditioner broke again! These people I work with: Holy to the nth degree, completely incompatible with modern day appliances.. I'm going to play some keyboard while the coast is clear, pardon me. (ducks into piano room; Muss shrugs)
Muss: is it very hot outside?
Bach: oh... it's what you might call "the 6th layer of hell."
Muss: Hm...thatsno good (turns to go, pauses) were at least at level 5 in here though. (apathetically) You should be aware... hildegard and johannes slept together, so .. its kindof like living ina mine field right now. I need more alcohol. (disappears into TV room)
Bach: WHAT!?!?! (runs after him)
It's not long before Bach finds Hildegard in the den, meditating. He sits cautiously on the sofa.
Bach: Hi Hildegard. (no response) .... I'm home early because the air conditioner broke again.... (no response) Uh.. it's pretty hot outside, wouldn't you say?
Hildegard(holds up sign ): HAVE TAKEN VOW OF SILENCE.
Bach: Uh... Is that necessary, Hildegard?
Hildegard: (death stare)
Bach: Well, can we expect you to join us for dinner?
Hildegard: (smirks)
Bach: I'll let you be then... (exit)
Around 5, the work force returns. Zacara dumps his briefcase in the foyer and collapses on the sofa in the TV room.
Zacara: UGHH just walking from the car to the front door is enough to drench you!!
Ives(from foyer): SHUT UP AND TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!
Zacara(calls back): Yeah, is that why you switched to that "Tag" deodorant spray, Charles?
Muss(rolls over, falls off sofa): oohaph.. (looks around) is it 5 already?
Zacara: "Already"?! Took all damned day! The least you workless Bohemians can do is make us dinner.
Muss: yea ordera pizza
Zacara: WOOOOOOOOOOOOLLFFFGAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!
Muss: ahahah
(enter Mozart)
Mozart: Wie geht's, Zacar?
Zacara: Can't you order us a pizza with fake coupons again?
Mozart: Tsk, tsk. Just LOOK at the two of you! One drunkenly sprawled on the floor - the other exhausted, limbs hanging off the sofa - why, a man would think you just ran a marathon or something! It's only 5pm! THE EVENING HASN'T EVEN BEGUN--
Zacara: Hey, you go to work all day and see how you like it.
Mozart: I'm sure I'll get a report. Our very own Johannes set off into the wide world today, searching for meaningful work.
Zacara(laughs): what in the hell? was that part of the bridge game or something?
Mozart(pulls out cell phone): No... Barbara said he needed to get out of the house.. (snickers)
Muss: hahahaha (burps) ahahah--
Zacara: Well, it's good to know he's alive. JS and I thought Hildegard killed him. (the other two laugh harder)........All right, what's going on?
Mozart: ahhahahahaha-
Zacara: Just - You order the damned pizza, then you explain.
Soon we find Hildegard going into the kitchen: Ives has opted to nap rather than eat, so the coast is clear at 530. Hildegard has given up carrying the sign and has now hung it over her neck with a string in an impromptu necklace -- this over the hair shirt. She gets a glass, is retrieving the pitcher of filtered water from the refrigerator when Robert Schumann wanders in. He looks like a lost child; pauses at the sight of Hildegard. She regards him solemnly.
Schumann: Madam...
Hildegard: (points at sign)
Schumann: Ah! A holy vow of silence! Indeed, eat you as well the meatloaf? (leans over open fridge door, peeks in)
Hildegard: (shakes head, makes gesture at her mouth)
Schumann: (tilts head slightly, eyes narrow in thought, motions as if to drink from a glass)
Hildegard: (nods)
Schumann: (eyebrows lift in understanding, gently takes a corner of the hair shirt, rubs between fingers questioningly)
Hildegard: (frowns, but nods)
Schumann: (suddenly picks up bottle from fridge door - it is milk)
Hildegard: (shakes head, steps back with water pitcher)
Schumann: (looks sympathetic; sniffs, turns and leaves slowly)
Hildegard: (watches a moment, considering)
Meanwhile, Strozzi and Wagner run into each other at the upstairs bathroom. Wagner graciously gestures that she should take the sink. He stands back, brushing his hair.
Wagner: Preparing for evening escapades, Barbara?
Strozzi: No, heh, nothing so glamorous, actually, I just got an eyelash in my eye..You?
Wagner: Indeed, I have an informal rendez-vous with my new enthusiastic young patron.
Strozzi: Enthusiastic young patron? Is he cute?
Wagner: Yes, but I don't believe he is the marrying kind, euphemistically speaking, that is.
Strozzi: DAMN! But that's always the case, isn't it?
Wagner: So it would seem. However, the man has an avid and above-average appreciation of my Art, and is willing to follow whatever patronistic directions my Art should require. Indeed, he seems to be rather in awe of both my Art and my Person. (puts beret back on)
Strozzi(smirks at him, helps him adjust it): Here. (steps back) Ok, good. Don't get into too much trouble, Richard. Oh, and by the way - be careful with the whole Hildegard-Johannes deal. She's taken a vow of silence, so I hear..
Wagner(raises skeptical eyebrow): Thankfully, I shall be out for the evening. Is it very unbearable - the current meteorological conditions?
Strozzi: Uh.. I wouldn't know. I haven't been outside today. (he nods, exits)
As he is leaving, Wagner runs into Charles Ives in the upstairs hallway. Normally this would occur wordlessly, but Wagner needs information.
Wagner: Excuse me, Charles. You returned of late from the harsh human struggle against the atmospheric discomforts: what would you estimate to be the current heat index?
Ives(frowns): It's over 100.
Wagner: I am seriously displeased at this revelation - why of all the times for Mother Nature to conspire against me! Mustn't I venture forth into the wide world this very ev'ning for the sake of all that is Holy and Dear to Art--
Ives: --hey, do we have a rehearsal for Hildegard tonight?
Wagner(considers him a moment): No. It's too hot.
Ives: oh... Ok. Suits me. (exit)
Soon: Doorbell.
Mozart: I GOOOOOOOTTTTTTT IIIIIIIIIIITTTT!
(cut to TV room, where Mozart is just leaving the couch with Mussorgsky and Zacara; Tchaik is in the arm chair.)
Zacara: You don't have to yell; we're right here.
Mozart: Well I don't want anyone else trying to get in on our pizza territory... you know, like Richard.
Tchaik: He has a habit of getting in the way, don't you think?
Mozart: It's true. (peeks into foyer; all clear; he opens the front door - cue hysterical laughter) AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH--
(There, in red shirt, PapaJohn's hat, box in hand, is Brahms.)
Brahms(flatly): Yeah, yeah. How'd you find out?
Mozart: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA (falls into door frame laughing)
Brahms: You knew, right?
Mozart: AHHGHGHAHAHAHA (slides down frame) ahahahah -- hhhaaaaa hahahahah (enter Zacara and Tchaikovsky, who also begin laughing)
Brahms: This is a set up, right? (laughter) Oh just give me the damned money already!
Tchaik(recovers first): Ah -- so... you were inspired to new heights, eh? heheh - there a lot of single women ordering pizza these days?? hahah--
Zacara; HAHAHAHAH!!
Mozart: HAHAHAHAHA!!
Brahms(hand to eyes): ..........Oh God, I didn't even think of that.
(Muss toddles onto the scene)
Muss: whatsall this caterwauling?? (notices Brahms; cracks a smile) isee..weshouldnttell Hildegard aboutthis
Brahms: I'm just Delivering Pizza, people! The only reason I decided to come to the door is for the tip --
Zacara: AHAHAHAH-
Mozart(rolling on floor at Muss's feet): ohhh hahahaah -- god hahahah are they tipping well --ahahah-- these days?
Brahms: You know, sometimes you guys make me look mature, and that's frightening. Your total is $27.98. (they keep laughing, including Mussorgsky now) Two large pizzas with ham, green peppers, pineapples, and sausage.... Yes? (glares at them)
Zacara: the hats -- that hat's a little big for you .. hahahahah!
Mozart: hahahah, fashion statementhhhahaha Papa Johannes's... hahaah
Brahms: .................$27.98, I said. (hand out for $)
Muss(shakes head): this is your penance just take it...
Brahms: You really didn't know?
Mozart: gahhahahah-
Tchaik: how could we know?
Wagner(trying to leave the house): Excuse me, gentlemen, for I must needs brave the wild elements -- (sees Brahms, who has tried too late to pull the PapaJohn's hat over his face. Wagner stops in the doorway and observes superciliously) Did I miss the notification of an early Carnival season? (the others continue laughing; Zacara claps.)
Brahms: It's pizza. I thought I should get a day job...
Wagner: What for?! Do you think yourself obliged to compensate for any forthcoming offspring of your inauspicious encounter?? QUATSCH! One is taking holy orders - One is taking pizza orders! Why the World has yet to witness such a storm from nothing! Kiss, Reconcile, Be done with it! There is no earthly reason why any true Artist should ever subject himself to base manual labor for the sake of that most natural and human of desires!!
Brahms: It's $27.98..
Mozart: Hahahahahah -- oohh mine ears hath never heard such... ahahha common sense out of Richard Wagner before! ahahhaha
Zacara: hahahah You should go into relationship counseling, Richard.
Tchaik: No! hahahahah anything but that--
Brahms: Twenty-Seven-Ninety-Eight! Your pizzas' getting cold...
Wagner(walks down steps): I would in this moment of lowest ebb pity you, my sorry Friend, however, it is well-known that I myself am in the direst need of cash -- and those god-forsaken credit card companies (continues walking down sidewalk, talking to himself) have conspired to attempt to suck the very life force... (etc)
Mozart: Ok, ok, I'm hungry. (reaches into pocket, pulls out a sloppy wad of bills) We pooled our resources for this meal. (hands it to him) This is $30.00. You can keep the change. (takes pizzas)
Brahms: WHAT!
Zacara: hahahahahah I thought we had more than that? Ok, (pulls out wallet, offers a $50) You can put this in the baby's college fund.
Brahms: I'm not taking your damned charity! (storms off)
Zacara: how am I ever going to get to Heaven at this rate? no one wants my charity!! hahahahah!
Mozart: This IS heaven - fresh pizza and enough comedic material to fill TWO operas.... let's go! (exeunt)