Teambuilding
Zacara: PYOTR!! TIME TO WAKE UP!!
Tchaik(sits up in horror): I - stop - what! - NO!
Zacara(laughs): Tell me I'm not that ugly...
Tchaik(comes back to the real world): oh... but it's Saturday, isn't it?
Zacara: Hildegard has arranged team building exercises for this morning!
Tchaik: Oh thats right... (sighs) no team can help me...
Zacara: Come join in the games - laugh with us -- can you imagine Franz trying to participate in a tug of war?? Or Modest on wooden planks trying to walk with four other people? it'll do you good.
Tchaik: Ah, I suppose... If you really wanted some amusement you could just film my life!! a walking tragi-comedy...
By 930 all the housemates are assembled in the backyard, some of them groggier than others; Mozart is sporting a pair of sunglasses, Mussorgsky already has a suspicious orange-tinted bottle of vodka. Hildegard surveys appraisingly.
Hildegard: Ok.... who's missing this time? ... um.....
Wagner(whispers to Liszt): I see the arch-fiend is not accounted for..
Hildegard: hm... Ludwig... (turns around - sees dogloo) What -- What's that?
Tchaik: Ew, why is that in our yard?
Ives: Why that's a dogloo! Haven't you people ever taken care of pets before!?
Strozzi: but we don't have any pets, Charles...
Hildegard: That's debatable... (walks over to dogloo, suddenly seizes it and pulls upward -- the whole apparatus goes with her, revealing Beethoven and Brahms, each sound asleep curled up, leaning back against opposite walls -- they both tumble over in artful symmetry)
Mozart: HAHAHAHAH!!
Hildegard(smirks): Two pets.. at least...
Beethoven(snorts, rolls over and sits up): whats going on?
Brahms: (grumbling sound, rubs eyes)
Hildegard: What are you two DOING!
Tchaik: We'd better not get any pets - they'd be insulted to share the dogloo with those two...
Beethoven: trying to sleep!
Strozzi: Well I guess the mafia didn't get Johannes after all..
Bach: Maybe they did - why else would he be in the doghouse with Ludwig?
Brahms(sits up): looks like it stopped raining finally.
Beethoven: 'bout time..
Mozart(comes over): Hey guys, whend you get the dogloo?
Beethoven: ..yesterday afternoon... this one came out around 9 (gestures to Brahms)....
Mozart: Where'd you get it?
Beethoven: neighbors threw it out.. waste of a good dogloo..
Hildegard: Have you eaten in the last 12 hours??
Brahms: yeah we went to IHOP around 4 when the rain let up.... (sees the confounded look from Hildegard) we figured it was safe by then...
Beethoven: never safe from mother nature.... damned rain started up again at 5...
Hildegard: Well, in case you hadn't been notified, we are playing team building games this morning...
Brahms(to Beethoven as if Hildegard wasn't there): Mid-morning coffee time?
Beethoven: yeap..(they wander back to the house. No one stops them)
Ives: What's going on..? Don't they have to play?
Mozart(to no one in particular): I suppose this means the lovers' quarrel is over..
Hildegard(calls after them): COME BACK OUT WITH YOUR COFFEE! (Beethoven makes a vague hand gesture. Hildegard returns to the group) Ok, now... Do you know about the goal of team building?
Ives: Enlighten us.
Wagner: I believed the goal was to foster strength of community and trust.
Hildegard: Yes, Richard, that's right. So the first thing we should do is wake up - lets stand in two circles - one inside the other - then walk in different directions.
(This they do, waiting for Hildegard's motion to stop. She, however, is waiting for Beethoven and Brahms to return with their coffee. No sign of them.)
Zacara: hey hey I'm getting dizzy..
Hildegard: OK, ok, stop. (they pause where they are) Now who are you facing?
(They survey: Schumann and Ives, Liszt and Bach, Wagner and Zacara, Tchaik and Mozart, and Strozzi and Mussorgsky)
Tchaik: Oh dear..
Mozart: heh heh... what's the matter, Pyotr?
Tchaik: er..
Hildegard: Ok, now as you've guessed this is a trust-building game. One of you has to just close your eyes, and let yourself fall back. The other person is supposed to catch the partner, that includes you Wolfgang.
(Strozzi smirks at Mussorgsky)
Strozzi: You're still sober, right?
Mussorgsky(puts down bottle of vodka): Im not going to drop you...
Strozzi: hah, ok. (she turns around, facing away from him) Ok! (closes eyes,falls back. He stops the fall gently - gracefully even. Simply.)
Mozart: Good. We can do that. (spins around pertly, holds out arms as if for a free fall) All right, Pyotr - don't drop me...
Tchaik: er.. ok... I'll try not to.. Dont.. fall too fast...
Mozart: I'll try to fall slowly...
(Meanwhile, Beethoven and Brahms rejoin the company, coffee mugs in hand)
Hildegard: It's about time!
Brahms: had to brew a fresh pot.
Beethoven: whats this?
Hildegard: Trust-building (people are falling into each other all around) You can figure it out; I suppose youll have to be partners.
Brahms(pouts): What - you don't want me to catch you?
Hildegard(completely offguard): What--
Beethoven: no she doesnt trust you! hah
Hildegard: Oh, you two are incorrigible. (turns abruptly, arms at sides) Ok, I'm falling. (drops back --- Brahms is not ready and scrambles forward to catch her, mug still in hand - she falls into him - the coffee splashes, but not on anyone)
Hildegard: What - you didnt even put the coffee down! you could have splashed scalding hot-- (She's interrupted by a shriek -- they look over to see Mozart on bended knee, supporting a terror-striken Tchaikovsky about two feet above the ground)
Tchaik(sits up shakily) Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart!!! how COULD You!! With my nerves already in the condition they are--
Mozart(doubled over laughing): hahahahah you just said to catch you... you didnt say when..
Hildegard(extricating herself from Brahms): oh he's worse than you!
(There's more commotion and laughter - they look over to see Strozzi and Mussorgsky both fallen on the ground)
Ives: Are you all right, Barbara?
Strozzi(laughing): I haven't even had any alcohol!
Mussorgsky(struggles to feet, embarrassed) sorry - here (helps her up) Are you ok?
Strozzi: I'm fine
Beethoven(looks at Brahms): Ok. Are you going to fall or not?
Brahms: are you ready? coffee cup down?
Beethoven(holding mug): yep. (Brahms falls back - and falls down, as Beethoven just watches with an amused smirk - then laughs raucously at the crash landing)
Brahms: OW - WHAT! - bastard (kicks him)
Beethoven: ogh - ahhahahaah!
Brahms: (starts to laugh too)
Hildegard(hands to head): hopeless... hopeless - you are a pair of five-year olds! Don't you realize what serious injury could have -- oh, forget it. Look, it's nearly 10 - my friend should be here any minute.
Schumann(alarmed): Oh? how many friends are coming?
Hildegard: Just one - why - oh, unless Clara is coming too. That's fine - we'd be an even number again.
Schumann: Tally ho.
Brahms(to Beethoven): Oh see - he doesn't even ask how I escaped the mob -- nothing about music these days - not even lawn gnomes --
Beethoven: poor baby...
(There's a pair of voices - around the side of the house comes Clara and a tall woman. Clara says hello to everyone, takes her place next to Schumann. The woman joins Hildegard.
Hildegard: Everyone, this is my friend Sylvana. She specializes in team building and works as a consultant to companies.
Sylvana: I thought since its a nice morning that we could play out here - a survival game or two. But first, a warm up game of choices. Why don't you break into teams of ... uhm.. how many are you?
Hildegard: With you we're 15 and we could do three teams of five.
Sylvana: Ok. (they mill about for a few minutes and form groups; Ives winds up joining the Beethoven-Brahms-Schumann-Clara group, since Tchaikovsky joins Bach-Wagner-Liszt-Mussorgsky before he can. The last team is Strozzi-Hildegard-Sylvana-Zacara-Mozart.)
Sylvana: Now you have to make some difficult decisions. You're on a plane that is going to crash and you only have one parachute left for five people. You have to chose which one out of five you want to give the parachute to. The five are a lawyer, a pregnant mother, an artist, a robotics engineer, and a heart surgeon.
Mozart: That's easy, the lawyer.
(Zacara beats him in the arm)
Strozzi: haha - why the lawyer, Wolfy?
Mozart: because we would become legends for having actually saved a lawyer!
Strozzi: I don't know... the pregnant mother...
Meanwhile in group two:
Brahms(immediately): The artist.
Schumann: The artist.
Clara: The artist.
Beethoven: the pregnant mother! what are you talking about?!
Ives: the lawyer! Think of the reforms he could institute if we threatened him first..
and group three:
Tchaik: I think we have to save the mother.
Bach: two lives for one! Who knows what the kid will be.
Wagner: Tempted though I am to save the artist, surely he's only one of these second-rate imitators of truly great art, whereas that great artwork of the future resides in the laws of nature - with the mother, herself representing not only the dual nature of the eternal feminine in her power as lover and mother but also the creative merging of the masculine poetry and the feminine music, we find the perfect unity of nature and art - we must therefore save her.
Liszt: I concur.
Mussorgsky: yeah, sure.
(they shake collectively on the decision)
Back to group one:
Sylvana: What about the heart surgeon - think of the people she could save!
Zacara: What about the mother? two lives..
Strozzi: So utilitarian of you, Antonio..
Hildegard: Men always try to save the woman, isn't that so, ?
Sylvana: Most people do, actually....
Except in group two, where a raging battle has broken out-
Beethoven: that's so inhumane of you !
Brahms: This world is already overpopulated!
Beethoven: Aren't enough people already dying in this plane crash!
Schumann: Ah, but what can compare to the eternal outpourings of the artistic mind - able to appeal to countless future generations of souls - souls of every type: the destitute to be reformed, the despairing to be revived, the humanistic to be encouraged. How can you speak of inhumanity when you would condemn ART to the rubble!? You call yourself an artist!
Ives(to Clara): But a lawyer could save thousands of dollars - think of the economic impact of a well-argued civil case--
Clara(patiently): Aren't some of the unhappiest people in the world those with the most money? Art and Love should take highest priority.
Ives: I'm not talking about individuals - I'm talking about infrastructure!
Clara: To what end? If the people are mindless, money-grubbing, souless -
Beethoven(appealingly to Clara): Tell me you want to save the mother...
Clara: Well, it's a difficult decision...but-
Beethoven: but!?
Back to Group one:
Hildegard: What do you really think, Wolfgang?
Mozart: Oh.... well... I wish I could save them all!
Strozzi: hah - we all do!
Zacara: save the mother.
Sylvana: I might go with the heart surgeon.
Mozart: What about the poor robotics engineer? What if he's more of a genius than the artist?
Hildegard: Ah, so you think we should save the genius?
Mozart: Or the mother.
Hildegard: I don't know myself... (Theyre interrupted by a louder argument "Sexist!!" "MISOGYNIST!")
Mozart: Look, Hildegard! Your lecturing has borne fruit!
Sylvana(concerned): Now I know that emotional levels will rise during the course of this task--
Brahms: You are prioritizing animal biology over the soul!
Beethoven: Mother's love trumps all else! That IS the stuff of art!!
Brahms: Let's solve this democratically: All in favor of the artist: I!
Schumann: I
Clara: I
(Beethoven scowls)
Ives: I wanted to save the lawyer!
Sylvana: Ok... (turns to the second group) And what did you decide?
Liszt: To save the pregnant mother.
Beethoven: see, they've got their heads on straight!
Sylvana(to her own group): What did we decide?
Mozart: uh... the lawyer?
Others: NO!
Mozart: Perhaps the mother then.
Sylvana: I want to point out that we might have arrived at different answers, but some of the considerations we made were the same: what determines the worthiness of a person to live? what they can give back to society? art - or life? (she allows time for this to sink in) Well, we can move on to the next game!
Beethoven: i dont like her idea of games....
Sylvana: The next game is a survival game - you have to work together as a team. Now imagine yourselves on an airplane that crashes in the Canadian wilderness--
Zacara: Wouldn't that involve death?
Sylvana: Let's say everyone survives the crash and is ok, but you're stuck in the middle of nowhere twenty miles from the nearest town and the temperatures dip into the -30s at night.
Brahms: Death is on the way then.
Sylvana: The point is to figure out how to survive! You have gathered some items from the plane (pulls out a folded piece of paper, reads) a .45 caliber pistol, some crisco --
Mozart: Whoa - what kind of plane ride was this?
Sylvana: (sighs) Can we concentrate now?
Mozart: Just wondering...
Sylvana: ok, the other items are: a small ax, newspapers (one per person), extra shirt and pants for each survivor, cigarette lighter (without fluid), 20 x20 ft. piece of heavy duty canvas, a sectional air map made of plastic, one quart of 100-proof whiskey--
Muss: whiskey!! crap
Sylvana(smiles at him): There's no accounting for taste. There is also a compass, and family-size chocolate bars, one per person. (hands them the list) Your job as a group is to rank the items in order of importance and tell what the uses are for each. How would you approach survival?
(The housemates frown at one another; Hildegard is about to take charge when Bach steps forward, rubbing his hands together.)
Bach: All right, the first thing we need to do is minimize the unneccessary baggage. We can use the axe to slay the little people then keep them around for fuel and food.
Zacara: What do you mean 'little people'?!
Hildegard: JOHANN SEBASTIAN!
Ives: Wait - Is there any Canadian currency in there? Why don't we just hire a native guide?
Muss(to Zacara): Sorry Antonio, guess youre the weakest link.
Zacara: I think we'd get more fuel out of you than me, actually (pokes him in stomach)
Muss: hey hey hey thats a sensitive issue for me
(Hildegard and Strozzi are listening in consternation, as they cant tell if hes being serious or not. Hildegard decides to move the game along)
Hildegard: Ok... Everyone, we should try to pool our knowledge - who knows about survival skills?
(stony silence - they look around at each other)
Mozart: LUDWIG - he lives in the dogloo and fends for food!
Wagner: Ah, the Creative Genius in his natural state of power - no task is too immense for him--
Beethoven(scratches head): er.. well.. .. it's a lot easier when the house is within 20 yards..
Brahms: And IHOPs.
Beethoven: Right.. BUT, that being said... I think the first thing we'd have to do is figure out how to stay warm. So maybe salvage what we can of the plane and use the tarp-thing to keep warmth in a shelter. Let me see the list (its passed to him). Uh... I guess the stuff to build a fire.... and uh... food......(trails off - sees the others are watching him)
Ives: How are we going to get rescued? Should we send someone?
Liszt: I dont think anyone could survive walking through the Canadian wilderness for twenty miles.
Clara: Perhaps if the cell phones aren't working you could try to signal for help with the crisco..
Schumann: Its Shiny Brilliance attracting even the most desperate of polar bears and planes! (Clara takes his hand, smiles at him)
Zacara: What about hunting for food? We could send one of you strapping lads out to do that with the gun!
(The guys look around in search of the 'strapping lads' he might mean)
Tchaik: uh, I have a feeling it wouldn't be much like the Oregon Trail hunting that I know...
Zacara: Oh come on it will be just like that
Mozart: "From the animals you shot, you got 1,000 lbs of meat..."
Tchaik(smirks): no, I'm never that lucky.
Mozart: "However, you were only able to carry 35 pounds back to the wagon.."
Brahms: I thought it was 100.
Mozart: It's Pyotr.
Tchaik: hey!
Hildegard: Guys, we need to work together!
Cut to the front of the house - we can see a sharp-looking electric blue Saab pull up to Mahler's driveway. Out jumps Hugo Wolf, who marches up to the front steps. Soon he and Mahler are lounging on the back porch discussing their latest escapades...
Mahler: So you never did tell me about this girl..
Wolf: Yeah, well - that was a strange lunch. I gotta call her today - should have yesterday, but I was totally caught up in the press wars - you know that hanslick idiot's on his high horse again -- but I'll need a better excuse than that.
Mahler: You were composing?
Wolf: That'll do. She'd understand that - she's a composer herself.
Mahler: really?
Wolf: Yep, song-writer too.
Mahler: ... what did you say her name was?
Wolf: Barbara-
Mahler(eyes narrow in suspicion): Didn't you say she lived around here too?
Wolf: Yep.
Mahler: That's... interesting - the girl I am seeing is also called Barbara...
Wolf: well you don't think --
Mahler(interrogation mode): Last name?
Wolf: uh -- hm...(frowns) I don't think she ever told me.. although... she did suggest she was.. seeing someone else...(looks back at Mahler suspiciously)
Mahler: What does she look like?
Wolf: ah (grins) well - yes, she's your type! and long luxurious brown hair--
Mahler(glaring): Oh! and she sings soprano!?
Wolf: yes! But it's a coincidence? I mentioned you and she didn't say anything - (grins) Unless she just happened to forget you in my company....
Mahler(hops up): All right! - we'll get to the bottom of this straight away. come on! (starts marching off)
Wolf(runs after him): Where are you going?
Mahler(pointing): She lives across the street!
Wolf: Fine!
Back in our composers' yard things are going along well.. mostly...
Zacara: I think we should rank the gun higher..
Brahms(pointedly): What good is it?? It's not a tommy gun...
Zacara: eh heh... and what would you want a tommy gun for?
Strozzi: oh yes - what were all those violin cases about, Antonio?
Bach: I'm more interested in the chorale singing, actually!
Zacara(backing up from all the interrogating stares): now now - don't crowd the little guy, come on--
Brahms: I want to know how your people got involved in this ! you should see these letters!
Zacara: look, look, why don't I just give them a call? (grins, pulls out cell phone)
Sylvana(oversees): Ah... I think youre stranded in the Canadian wilderness and cell phones aren't working! (Zacara waves her off)
Zacara: eh, Lucca - che fa? Ho tuo amico del cuore con me adesso. Lo sai, tuo rosignolino ... (laughs, turns to Brahms) Lucca wants to know how you're doing??
Brahms(alarmed): more religious every day....
Zacara: dice il ancora un po' religioso........ that's great, he says.
Brahms: in fact, I'll be entering a monastery any day now..
Hildegard(looks over): What are you talking about?
Zacara: penso che si piacerebbe a' abitare in monastero... heh heh....
Mozart(suddenly): Hey it's Gustav! (they all turn, Zacara ciaos away his cell conversation)
Strozzi: oh good! -(face falls)- Oh god -- there's Hugo too!!
Bach: Ahhh hahah - they don't look pleased either!
Mozart: hahahaha!
Wagner: HAIL, NEIGHBOR!
Liszt: Don't yell in my ear, please, Richard...
Zacara: Hey, it's my friends from the restaurant!
(Mahler and Wolf march right up to Strozzi, seeing, hearing nothing else - the housemates move aside as they approach)
Mahler: Barbara!
Strozzi: ah - hi guys..
Mahler: What is this -
Wolf: You didn't tell me you were seeing HIM!
Strozzi: I didn't think you'd appreciate that -- you said he was a ladies' man!
Mahler(turns to Wolf): WHAT - You are too!!
(Mozart stifles a snicker behind them; Liszt raises an appraising eyebrow)
Wolf: Not as bad as you!
Mahler: Worse!
(Strozzi is trying not to let her smirk turn into a full-out grin)
Mozart(steps between them): Gentlemen, gentlemen -- why don't you two settle this the traditional way --
Brahms: the neighbors have a baseball bat-
Mozart: No, no - you should duel in a game of pool...
Mahler: That would be sacrilege!
Hildegard: Barbara should make up her mind!
(All eyes turn back to Strozzi, who quickly assumes a much more concerned expression)
Strozzi: Ah.. well......Hugo, you know, it was really - a coincidence-
Liszt: I can vouch for it.
Wolf: Coincidence, or Fate??
Strozzi: ah... coincidence..
Mahler(claps satisfactorily) Good. That settles it.
Wolf(to Mahler): What!
Mozart(mischievously to Zacara): I don't know.... Mr. Wolf is taller...
Wolf: (smirks at Mahler)
Mozart: Nevertheless...... Gustav has a way cooler car.... it doesn't even need pimping.
Zacara(intake of breath): ... welll.....there is something to be said for song writing..
Both: I write songs!
Wolf(to Mahler): Well yours dont count for orchestra-
Mahler: What are you talking about?
Wolf: That's pretending to write an opera.
Mahler: No - you're the one who wants to write the opera!
Wolf: I'll GET to that eventually... But when I write a song, I write a song!
Mahler: My songs are songs! You're not living with the wave of the future if you're writing for voice and PIANO --
(Wagner nods approvingly)
Wolf: Excuse me! There's an honest simplicity in the folk song with the piano--
(Strozzi stands back, trying to conceal her amusement)
Mahler: If you're trying to be expressive theres no point in ignoring the colors of the orchestra!
Wolf: Now wait just a minute - I don't need an orchestra to express myself!
Mahler: Obviously too much to think about at one time!
(the others chuckle; Wolf sends his fist into Mahler's jaw - he stumbles back, but regains his balance and lunges back at Wolf)
Mozart: FIGHT!
Hildegard: oh men! always reverting to their animal states!
Beethoven(to Ives): Wolf's got him
Ives: .... yeah 2 minutes.
Beethoven(squints appraisingly as the two lock arms and stumble toward the opposite end of the yard): maybe 3...
(Liszt runs over to them tries to motion them apart)
Liszt: gentlemen - cease this pointless argument!!
Wolf(through clenched teeth): AND furthermore-- she likes me better!
Mahler: Not a chance!! (tries to shove Wolf back - but he cant extricate himself and the two of them crash into Liszt and --SPLASH!!!-- the neighbor's above-ground pool)
(the witnessing composers clap and laugh)
Hildegard: That should cool them down!!
Wagner(hand to head): Justly thus is Franz punished for meddling in affairs where he is not needed!
Mozart(runs over, jumps into the pool): CANNONBALL!!! (his splash-landing douses them all with water again)
Liszt: Ah - Wolfy!!
Bach: ahhhh ok, thats enough excitement for one day. Thank you, Sylvana. I think it's clear from our teambuilding exercises that we would all wind up dead if left in an enclosed space for a long time. Perhaps crashing in the wilderness would be better than staying on the plane!! (he heads back into the house; the composers trail along behind, talking amongst themselves)
Mozart(appears, dripping, next to Strozzi): This is tough luck, Barbara! Seems that both your guys are washed up!
Strozzi(laughs): So it would seem, Wolfgang...
Tchaik: I hope you're not going in the house like that. Youre going to make a mess.
Beethoven: yeah, I don't want to be slipping in it.
Ives: So who would have guessed that Franz would get in the way?
Beethoven(shrug): joy of the unexpected..
(Schumann is walking between Clara and Brahms; an arm each around their shoulders)
Schumann: Hah! the foul fiends spoiled in their chase by their very capriciousness! If only they stayed true to the lady-
Clara: It would have been a much more interesting fight.....
Sylvana(standing next to Hildegard, confused): I thought it was going well.... until the fight broke out..
Hildegard(sighs): I think we'd all die in the wilderness -- out of sheer laziness!
Liszt(joins Wagner, dripping): I gave up on those two.... I suppose they'll work it out themselves.
Wagner(sniffs indignantly): I recall last night you seemed not interested in helping a poor fellow artist who was mysteriously soaked in water....
Liszt: You have to stop recruiting me in your ridiculous schemes, Richard!
Wagner: My letters must be recovered.... Come, to the planning board. (stalks off to the staircase)
Liszt: (shakes head)
Meanwhile back in the neighbor's yard (pool), the fight has continued - Mahler is attempting to drown Wolf - when the owner of the pool steps outside onto her back patio. She is tall, blonde, and has an air of superior disdain about her as she observes them. They freeze, awestruck.
Woman(smirks): Don't stop. (pulls up a patio chair, sits) I don't usually have good free entertainment in my backyard....
Wolf(tries to summon some dignity, dripping, and in a strange pool though he may be):
Dear lady, we're sorry to have invaded your pool - my companion and I were just.... trying to settle a romantic dispute the old fashioned way....
Woman: Doesn't that usually involve pistols?
Wolf: The pool was - unfortunately, easier to find...
Mahler: But we do apologize wholeheartedly for the unauthorized use of your pool... (they both nod solemnly)
Woman: Do I know you - Don't you live across the street?
Mahler: Yes. I'm Gustav. (tries to climb out of pool; Wolf follows suit; The woman goes to shake their hands)
Woman: I'm Elisabeth. Do you need towels?
Wolf: Hugo -- We couldn't possibly impose any more -
Elisabeth: That's right, so you should take a couple towels - or would you rather I just give you one and you can fight over it?
Wolf(grins): I don't know, Elisabeth, I'm starting to feel exploited....
Elisabeth(waves them in): Come on, I'll make you a pot of tea... (they shrug, follow)