"We're painting."
It is a slow Thursday in the crowded household. Ives, Zacara, Bach, and Tchaikovsky are out and about, either at work or running errands. Beethoven and Hildegard are composing quietly in their respective corners of the yard. Liszt and Wagner plot their next newspaper editorial in the kitchen, while Schumann and Brahms play chess in the piano room. Mussorgsky lies in his natural state (passed out in front of the TV), and Strozzi is singing in the shower. What - Mozart not accounted for? That's because he's missing in action. Overall, a completely normal day.
The phone rings.
Mussorgsky(not moving): eghh!
Cut to the kitchen, where Wagner and Liszt are trying to assess the fallout of Sunday's drunken bridge battle.
Wagner: He called me a WHAT!?
Liszt: yes, I dare not repeat all of it, but 'soft-bodied pansy' is close enough...
Wagner: How DARE he - why, if I hadn't SLIPPED in that accursed vodka that he spilled (phone rings) BY THOR!!! - who's calling at this hour! Have they no respect for a man's privacy!
Liszt: Richard, it's 2:30 in the afternoon. - Nevermind, I'll get it (reaches for phone)
Meanwhile, Schumann has picked up the phone in the piano room.
Schumann: Ahoy!
---
Kitchen:
Liszt: Hello?
---
(The person calling has a deep sort of authoritarian voice. He sounds suspicious in his answer.)
Caller: Hello?
Schumann: Yes! We've established that.
Liszt: Robert, is that you?
Schumann(suddenly suspicious at the sound of Liszt's voice): .......perhaps!
Liszt: Please - I've got the call, go back to your chess or whatever it was you were doing.
Caller: Excuse me! Do I have the correct number! Is this the residence of a one Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart?
Schumann(covers phone receiver, turns to Brahms and whispers conspiratorially): The enemy has caught on to Wolfgang! I fear we must turn them off his trail! (turns back to phone)
Liszt: Ah, yes, sir - you do indeed have the right number.
Schumann: Not at all! This is the residence of Sister Mary Jo Beth.
Liszt: What - ROBERT!
Caller: Is he there or not?! This is his FATHER. I wish to speak with him.
Liszt: Of course, sir, you must excuse my housemate. He is a little - well, he hasn't had his medication this morning yet -
Caller: Then he'd better take it. It's full well going on three in the afternoon!
Schumann: This is a place of holy meditation. We have no Mozarts here.
Caller: Excuse me!
Liszt: Robert..! eh heh -- (turns to Wagner, covers receiver) Richard - go get that mad Schumann off the phone before he has us all consigned to the loony bin!
(Wagner grumbles but leaves for the piano room)
Liszt: Sir, are you still there?
Caller: I have yet to speak with my son, so, yes! I am still waiting.
Liszt: Do allow me to fetch him. I'll be back - (puts down phone, takes off for the upstairs)
Schumann: Sir, I wonder how you got this number? It is a terrible mistake in any case, the---
Wagner(storms into the room): Robert! What ARE you doing?! (notices Brahms, still sitting at the sofa, taking in everything with amusement) What - you're here too!? Why haven't you stopped him?
Brahms: Though this be madness, yet there is --
Wagner: Oh hush - (seizes phone from Schumann) I'm terribly sorry, sir!
Schumann: Ach so! the conspirators reveal themselves!
Brahms: Looks like we have lost the battle, Robert - best to finish the chess game at least.
Schumann(sits dejectedly): I fear there shall be some grave price to pay for our complacency...
(the caller's voice can be heard as Wagner holds the phone away from his ear)
Phone: WHERE IS MY SON!! WHAT IS THAT GOOD-FOR-NOTHING UP TO!!?
Wagner: Sir, I must hang up - you're still on the line in the kitchen. (turns off phone; sniffs indignantly, then leaves without a word.)
Schumann: Grave times indeed, my friend...
Meanwhile Liszt is running frantically through the second floor searching for Mozart.
Liszt: WOLFY!!!! HELLO!?
Strozzi(comes out of bathroom, wrapped in towel): What'd he do now?
Liszt: His father's on the phone.. where -
(Mozart suddenly appears - has tumbled out of the bottom of the linen closet in the hallway)
Mozart: What!
Liszt(raises hands in appeal to heaven): What are you DOING in there?!
Mozart: hm, wouldn't you like to know? Where is he? Where's the phone?
Liszt: Where it usually is - in the kitchen.
(Mozart stands up, straightens shoulders, and marches off.)
Strozzi: (shrugs, amused)
Mozart reaches the kitchen as Wagner returns.
Wagner: Excuse me -
Mozart: (grabs phone) Hello? (pause..) Yes, Hi dad. (attempts to smile) uh huh.. Oh, you are??? heh. ah.. great.. (smiling as if he'd just bitten into a lemon) oh of course! Not a problem at all! I'm sure. eh.. (grins meanly at Wagner) I'm sure my housemates would love to meet you!
Wagner: What now!
Mozart: Oh?! (loses the fake smile) That close?? - no, no! Come on over.. we're 903 the street after the court - yes - you should.. eh hah - not be able to miss us. We have.. more than our fair share of cars out front - oh yes! Right! .... see you soon! (hangs up, grimacing)
Wagner: what..... did... ?!
Mozart(takes deep breath, glances around kitchen): Oh dear god.. this place is a disaster.. ! HELP!! (runs out and around the house, calling to the various housemates) HELP!! EMERGENCY CLEANUP!!! ZU HILFE!! HELP!! AIUTA!!!
Wagner: How many languages do you need help in?!
Mozart: AT LEAST THREE!
Outside:
Hildegard(calls across yard to Beethoven): What do you suppose has managed to scare him!?
Beethoven: Father!
(Mozart opens the backdoor.)
Mozart: BRING THE TARP!! (disappears again)
Hildegard: Oh dear.. (they both head for the porch)
Piano Room:
Schumann(looks up sagely): Ah, my friend - now you see the disaster that has befallen us - but we must be brave and help! quickly to the posts! (jumps up; Brahms grins and follows)
Soon they are all assembled in the hallway/kitchen; Beethoven dumps a blue tarp on the floor at Mozart's feet.
Mozart: Ok - everyone here!?
Strozzi: All except Modest.. I think he's having afternoon nap time.
Mozart: Whatever - Now listen up - my father's coming!
Schumann: I TRIED TO THROW THEM OFF THE TRAIL!
Mozart: And.... (eyes narrow, glares at Liszt) Who .. put him back on the trail???
Liszt(helpless shrug): I had no idea he was planning to visit --
Mozart: Enough! We must clean! Quickly - he's impossible - house - CLEAN! Robert - you take the piano room; Barbara - the upstairs, though I doubt he'll look there. Franz, bathroom duty, since you were so kind as to get us all in this! Richard, the den - (they leave for their various rooms) Ludwig, can you clean up this kitchen mess?
Beethoven: (unintelligible grunt)-
Mozart: Good; Hildegard, might you tidy up the yard?? (she nods and leaves; Mozart turns around confused) Ah - Hannes, someone needs to vacuum-
Brahms: What about Modest?
Mozart: AGH! The living room! (grabs him by the sleeve) Come on! (runs out)
Beethoven is left in the kitchen to clean. He is still surveying the mess when he finds himself alone. The gigantic pile of plates in the sink is threatening to overflow; there are various stains on the countertop - the table is covered an inch deep in newspapers and coupons.
Beethoven: ... grrrr... (he steps forward and grabs an armful of dishes; throws open the oven door and shoves them in)
Meanwhile: Wagner is frantically throwing all the games, empty soda cans, and papers into the den closet. He begins straightening pillows on the couch; finds a book underneath one of them.
Wagner: What is this... hmm.. "Raptor"? (turns around, reads back) "An abandoned waif, the blond, gray-eyed Goth was called simply Thorn. From his unorthodox sexual awakening in a monastery and a convent to his exciting journey across Europe in search of his people, he would learn a warrior's skills and the cunning of a survivor..." Ah, sounds like a book for me.. (opens randomly, peruses page)...
Meanwhile, Liszt realizes he needs serious cleaning supplies to restore the downstairs bathroom to an acceptable state; he dashes into the hallway-
Liszt: What? Where -- 409!
Mozart and Brahms enter the living room; they stop and stare in horror. The coffee table is barely to be recognized underneath the numerous cans of beer and diet Coke. The carpet is a mess, curtains in disarray. Someone's crocheting supplies clutter the arm chair along with leftover newspapers on the floor. To top it all off, Mussorgsky lies stretched out on the sofa, snoring, with one arm hanging limply over the side like some deranged king in a nether castle.
Brahms. er...
Mozart: Go get the tarp! and some garbage bags! (Brahms leaves) I'll... try to wake him up. Modest!! (shakes Mussorgsky)
Muss: rgh... (opens an eye)
Mozart:: Modest, my dad's coming - in maybe five minutes - and I say on behalf of all housemates that you shouldn't be seen in such a state!
Muss: rgh.. lethimcome!
Mozart: (sighs) Can you promise to at least stop snoring?
Mussorgsky(rolls on his side): there
Mozart: Ok, good boy. (pats him on the head - turns to see Brahms has returned with supplies) Good! Help me cover him! Then help me push this stuff into the middle of the room..
Meanwhile Liszt bursts into the kitchen, where Beethoven is sweeping all the paper off the table into a plastic bag.
Liszt: Where's the 409!? (distractedly runs hand through hair)
Beethoven: .. damned if I know..
Liszt: ... what are you doing? You can't just dump the bag on the floor!
Beethoven: (dumps bag on floor next to trash can) Recycling.
Liszt: Oh good god-
Schumann is tidying up the piano room by rearranging the furniture in seemingly random positions. He goes about his work slowly and methodically, pausing every now and then to stand back and think about the next move.
Schumann(hand on chin): Hmm.... a little to the left...
Back in the living room - Mozart and Brahms are draping the tarp over the sofa and (incidentally) Mussorgsky.
Mozart: Ok good - help me move the TV stand and that chair next to the coffee table.. (Brahms looks amused, but does not ask any questions.) And t- oh damn! the carpet! I have to vaccuum - you could vaccuum? - vaccuum? (makes a pathetic little child expression)
Brahms: You owe me. (exit)
In the hall, Brahms finds Liszt, who is on hands and knees rooting through the contents of the hall closet.
Brahms: Excuse me, Franz.
Liszt: Where - do you know where the 409 and paper towels are?
Brahms: uh... do I look like I know-
Liszt: shut up - Agh, I hate last minute cleaning!
Brahms(reaches over him to the handle of vacuum cleaner): I need to vacuum. Bye. (pulls it away, the cord hits Liszt in the nose)
Liszt: WHO- who used that last - don't you people know anything about vacuum safety?!
Brahms(walking away): hmm - sound like Charles.
Liszt(mutters to self): So I do! well I have no time - this will have to do! (grabs bleach and a ratty old towel, dashes back to the bathroom.
Just then Barbara Strozzi comes down the stairs, rubbing her hands together in satisfaction.)
Strozzi: Not here yet? Good. All clean upstairs. (wipes a spot of dust off the banister and looks around appraisingly: she sees Beethoven in the kitchen, scrubbing the countertop as if he were waging a full-scale war on the powers of Unclean; Schumann is now in the foyer, repositioning the pictures on the wall at strange angles; Mozart can be heard cursing at "aluminum recycling bin of a coffee table!"; at the far end of the hall, Brahms plugs in the vacuum cleaner then disappears into the piano room. Strozzi hears it run for a maximum of five seconds, then it stops abruptly - Brahms walks back across the hall into the living room: same phenomenon.)
Strozzi: Uh... Guys? Shouldn't we be ready soon?
Liszt(from bathroom): WHO HAS BEEN BRUSHING THEIR TEETH DOWN HERE! THIS IS A GUEST BATHROOM!!
Schumann: Ah, the vase! (darts across hall to a small ornamental table with fake flower arrangement; he delicately drops one stalk of flower onto the table) Perfect. (peaceably walks back into piano room. Meanwhile Beethoven appears in the kitchen doorway.)
Beethoven: It's clean.
Strozzi: Good...
Back in the living room -
Mozart: can you help me move this stupid TV stand??
Brahms: Yeah (they push it into the middle of the room next to the coffee table and arm chair) I have to put that vacuum -
Mozart: (looking out window) OH NO! He's here! There's no time for that - just stick it under the table!
(Brahms gives the vacuum cord a mighty tug - it wrenches around the corner into the room, slapping the wall on the way. Mozart snickers as they tuck it under the coffee table and throw some garbage bags over the mess.)
All the while, Hildegard has been pulling out the most obvious weeds and picking up sticks from the front lawn when Leopold Mozart pulls up in his old grey ("silver") Cadillac. He steps out of the car and surveys the neighborhood with a discerning glare. A short man, dressed very dignified and wearing an expression of utter disatisfaction, he slams the door shut and marches up the front walkway. Hildegard throws her handful of weeds behind a bush and greets him with a welcoming smile.
Hildegard: Hello! You must be.. Mr. Mozart- I'm Hildegard, one of your son's housemates.
LMozart: Hello, nice to meet you.
Hildegard: This is our humble abode - would you like me to show you the yard?
LMozart: I can see it perfectly well from here, thank you. I'd like to see the inside of the house, though..
Hildegard(glance over shoulder; she can see frantic motion in the living room): Well.. Of course! And it's a very pleasant house, although I do sometimes prefer to sit outside in Nature especially on a nice day like this (sees that he is not at all interested) - we DO actually have a charming little bird's nest up in that maple there! (points vaguely at the nearest tree)
LMozart: That is an oak tree.
Hildegard: Yes.. well... (the living room seems to have calmed) Perhaps we should go in?
LMozart: Yes.
(she leads him to the house, takes a deep breath and opens the front door.)
Mozart immediately accosts them in the foyer.
Mozart: HI DAD! (grabs him in a bear hug, while Brahms tiptoes past with what appears to be a paint tray; Hildegard watches in confusion.)
LMozart: Yes, son - how are you? Have you found yourself a good job yet??
Mozart: Ah.. well yes - quite fulfilling! But won't you come in first?
LMozart: Yes, show me around. (Mozart leads him into the piano room, where Schumann is sitting at the bench watching the keyboard as if it were sending him secret signals.)
Mozart: This is ...... (he stops when he realizes the room has been turned upside-down: the small coffee table is now underneath the piano; the sofa facing the wall and not away from it - the small red rug is rolled up in a corner in front of the bookshelf, and the ornamental table that was sitting beneath the window is now turned on its side on the carpet, its bottles and decorations arranged in a strange V-pattern beside it.)
LMozart: What in.. ...
Mozart: This is our FENG SHUI experiment. (shoots a HELP ME look to Hildegard, who brightens immediately)
Hildegard: Yes, now I know many people consider this to be hocus pocus, but one should never underestimate the power of positive thinking.. See, according to the Bagua map for the house, this room you are now standing in is our knowledge and self cultivation area, and so we chose it for the first experiment in feng shui - (LMozart is about to object, but she continues) Now the Bagua of this particular room - it being square- is quite easy to map.. see, that corner (points at bookshelf and rug) is the love and marriage corner, thus the red rug as the symbol of good luck and love is most appropriate there. The piano! the piano- a vessel of creativity for so many of us, is placed on the left middle side as you can see because that's the health and family side, creating a link you see from the sofa - which is .. in the actual creativity area- to the far wall.. (she has totally lost him) healthy, family, creativity - all of these are linked, and the Ch'i is encouraged to flow- (lifts her arms, as if sunbathing) feel the FLOW of positive energy in this room!
LMozart: I see.. that's very interesting.
Mozart: So, everything is very deliberately placed - but let's see the rest of the house! (leads his dad into the hall and makes toward the den, but his father marches into the living room instead)
LMozart: What is this?? (there's a pile of stuff in the middle of the room, covered in black plastic garbage bags. The sofa - the very lumpy sofa - is covered in a blue tarp; the newspapers are still on the floor.)
Mozart(stands proudly in doorway): We're painting.
(Brahms walks over from the far side of the room; he holds the plastic paint tray and he has ripped a hole in one of the garbage bags and is wearing it over his clothes; apparently the bag has frizzed up his hair, which now looks like something out of Weird Science. For all this he seems rather nonchalant.)
Brahms: No don't come in - it's a mess.
LMozart: Oh.. (steps back, afronted)
Mozart: This is Johannes, a pianist.
Brahms(offended): "Composer-pianist."
Mozart: Yes, well, he helped me pick out the room color.
LMozart: Oh.. what are you .. repainting it with?
Brahms: Pumpkin Sunrise
Mozart(same time): Misty Sage. (catches himself) Oh, right - whatever they're calling it these days.. I can't keep it straight! A rose is a rose...
LMozart: Is there any room in the house fit to be sat in??
Mozart: The kitchen? Let's see... (He turns to leave; Brahms goes back to the other side of the room, but suddenly Mussorgsky snorts from under the tarp. Leopold looks appalled.)
LMozart: Wolfgang, your sofa seems to be alive!
Brahms: No, no - I'm just hungry! (rubs stomach for effect)
Mozart: right - kitchen!! Come! (leads his father quickly away, grimacing)
In the kitchen Mozart is relieved to find no natural disasters; in fact, the place looks quite presentable. Beethoven's hair even seems to be behaving. He is sitting at the table pretending to read a newspaper.
Beethoven: (stands respectfully) Hello. I'm Ludwig.
LMozart: Nice to meet you, I'm Leopold - responsible for this disaster (tilts head at son), I'm afraid.
Mozart(grins like a naughty 5-year-old): You don't even know the full extent of the disaster...
Beethoven: Would you sit and have some tea? I was just putting some water on. (gestures at picturesque tea kettle on the stove; Mozart frowns as if he's never seen it before.)
LMozart: Fine, unless Wolfgang wants to show me the rest of the house...?
Mozart: Ah... why not settle down and have a nice chat instead?
LMozart: That's what I thought. (They sit)
Two hours later, they are still in the kitchen and father Mozart is none too pleased at the direction of the conversation.
LMozart: How many times have I told you to get a respectable job!?
Mozart: Well this i-
LMozart: Last time I got you a respectable job you got kicked out!
Mozart: yes, dad - I was there!
(Schumann ghosts past in the hallway; Leopold frowns and lowers his voice)
LMozart: You have some strange housemates here... Where do you find these people??
Mozart: (shrug)
Meanwhile Schumann finds Strozzi and Wagner in the den; Wagner is still reading the Raptor book and Strozzi is working on a puzzle at the table.
Schumann: Barbara.
Strozzi: Hm ? (looks up)
Schumann: You're needed in the kitchen. The situation screams for feminine charm and diplomacy..
Strozzi: ... oh.. well.. I guess I'll investigate..
Schumann(whispers to her as she walks by): You're our last hope. Quickly - before the workforce arrives!
Strozzi(raises an eyebrow): .... If you insist... (she walks into the kitchen, pretends to be surprised to see Leopold) Oh, I didn't realize we had company!
LMozart(impressed, stands to greet her): Hello, I'm Wolfgang's father..
Strozzi(shakes hand): Hello, I'm Barbara.
Mozart: Barbara is a fellow composer and excellent singer.
LMozart: What now - two responsible housemates? (to Strozzi) How do you manage?
Strozzi(fake blush): Oh, we try.. they're not so bad all the time..
LMozart: Do you suppose you could be any good influence on him?
Strozzi: oh... (glances at Mozart, who is giving his best impression of an innocent smile) I suppose I could try. I was just coming in to put on some tea - did either of you want any more?
LMozart: Oh no, I think I've had my fill... .. (frowns) In fact... hm..which way to your bathroom?
Strozzi: Down the hall on the left - first door.
LMozart: Thank you (exit)
Mozart(pauses a moment then whispers): Good job, Barbara.
Strozzi: I didn't think you were going to keep a straight face when he said 'good influence'..
(Mozart is about to reply when he is interrupted by a loud yell resembling a war-cry)
LMozart: WOLFGANG! THERE'S A DEAD MAN IN YOUR GUEST BATHROOM!!!!
Mozart: What! Who could that be?? Why do they pick TODAY to die in the bathroom?!
Strozzi: Do you think he means Franz?? I haven't seen him since he went off to clean it..
Mozart: He probably just fainted when he saw the mess. Let's let Dad do something humanitarian for once and revive him.. (sits primly) Are you putting that tea on or not??
GuestBath:
Leopold has taken the unconscious (but still breathing) Liszt in his arms and is trying to revive him. He is currently tapping at his pale cheek..
LMozart: Excuse me, young man - Do wake up-
Liszt(opens eyes groggily): egh???
LMozart: Good, you're alive. Did you faint?
Liszt(dazed): who.. what is this?
LMozart: Although judging from the stench, I'd say you passed out from bleach inhalation! Looks like you spilled it here (indicating the clear pool on the floor.)
Liszt: ohhhhh (makes no attempt to get up, but holds a weary hand to his sinuses)
LMozart: I hope you're not permanently brain damaged. Bleach should be outlawed from private consumption. Do you know where you are? Can you tell me your name?
Liszt: Franz Liszt...
LMozart(eyes darken in sudden recognition): Oh..... I see... The same Franz Liszt who answered the phone...
Liszt(not quite aware enough to say no): yes....?
LMozart: (drops him without warning and stands imperiously - Liszt gasps as his head hits the tile) You who dared speak so curtly to your housemate's father? you who left me in false expectation ON HOLD for fifteen minutes? You who dared HANG UP on me without a word!!!
Liszt(bewildered): No, sir - you must have the wrong person - I don't know what you're talking about--
LMozart(shaking dangerously): How dare you! And now you deny it - I suppose you and my son had a good laugh at the prank!
Liszt: no, I brought him to the phone -- today, yes?
LMozart: No, the first time I ever called this house!
Liszt: I only answered today -
LMozart: FOOL! Perhaps the bleach has caused brain damage, or else you are too coward to admit your transgressions face-to-face. Either way, I shall be kind and only leave you with this advice: NEVER HANG UP ON ME AGAIN! (storms out, slamming door)
Liszt(both hands to face): no, no.. just a bad dream...
Leopold gusts through the hall, not even stopping when Mozart and Strozzi come to the kitchen doorway.
Mozart: Er.. Dad? Did you kill anyone?
LMozart: I am leaving! I can't think in this household (turns abruptly to face his son) You will have to come meet me on neutral territory - between the madmen, the idiots, and the blatant lazing ne'er-do-wells I can't impress any sense upon you. It's no wonder you can't accomplish anything around here! I will call later to arrange-- and DONT LET THAT FOOL FRANZ LISZT ANSWER THE PHONE! (marches out; as soon as he has shut the door, Brahms peeks out of the TV room, apparently still wearing the garbage bag.)
Brahms(innocently): .. Oh, did Franz introduce himself?
Mozart(eyes narrowed in thought): what....
(Just then, bleary-eyed Liszt comes stumbling out of the bathroom, one hand raised to the back of his head.)
Liszt: What... Who -- the madman tried to kill me.. or I thought he would...
Strozzi: Did he say why?
Liszt: something about hanging up the phone on him -- but I didnt! (to Mozart) I came and found you!
Mozart(sudden understanding): Ahhh....
Strozzi: You're not looking well, Franz - do you want some water or -
Liszt: That might be good..
(Mozart glances down the hall; Brahms mouths "You owe me" back at him.)
Mozart(shrugs): I wouldn't worry about it too much, Franz.. He probably got you confused somehow.. You shouldn't be worrying, though, you've had a traumatic experience as it is... (leads him into kitchen) .. and so have I for that matter.
Strozzi: So have we ALL.