Of Epic Proportions
Mozart: you know..... itdoesssnt say anythin' abou' cheatin' liketha.. I think itssfair!
Tchaikovsky: NOTFAIR!!! (glares at Schumann from upside-down) stop lookin' at my ass!
Schumann(sober compared to the others): model of Callipygian perfection though it may be, Pyotr Ilych, I am NOT looking at your ass!
Mozart(spins arrow again): O-k.... ah.... right -- no, LEFT hand - i mean left - LEFT hand GREEN!
(theres a general commotion as the drunken players try to rearrange themselves. Mahler and Strozzi are on one end of the board and wind up reaching for the same exact circle - Mahler pulls his hand back to let her have the circle, but drunkenly loses his balance and falls right into her. They wind up in a heap on the floor)
Mahler: Ohhh imssoryy-
Strozzi(grin): thats quiteallrigh'! quitealrigh'
Tchaik: theyre OUT -- OUT theyfell!
Mozart: well they'an sitout. NOW itsa fight to the DEATH between'e threeof US!
(Strozzi and Mahler drag themselves to their feet.)
Strozzi: this mightgo on for sometime.. care for a game of pool? Itsin the basement
Mahler: that sounds like a good idea. (exeunt)
Mozart(looking after them): ah heh i wonderifshes popped the begonia question ye'?
Tchaik: Whatare you rambling about? SPIN!
Meanwhile in the kitchen, the bridge game has risen to even higher stakes (if possible) thanks to the overblown sense of self-importance lent by the vodka. Zacara and Bach are sitting back with nachos and drinks watching the game. Hildegard has moved her chair next to Mussorgsky to observe. Now a new set of bidding begins with Wagner.
Wagner: ah.. (takes sip of screwdriver) THREE DIAMONDS. (slams cards down on the table and folds arms triumphantly)
Muss: pass.
Liszt: pass.
Ives: FIVE CLUBS!
Wagner: Ohisthat SO, Missster Ives?
Mussorgsky(looks at his hand): uhhh.. thatssome aggressive preemptive bidding Charles.
Hildegard: Arrogant Americans and their pre-emptive strikes!!
(Zacara and Bach, lounging in their director's chairs, glance to each other in amusement)
Ives(directed at Wagner): One must play aggressively to shut cor- to cut short the weakling attempts of others!
Wagner(eyes narrow): I believe THIS little strategic move ofyours may very well go down in the bridge history books as one of the worst 'pre-emptive' strikes ever!
Ives: WHAT! We are going to WIN this hand!
Mussorgsky(concerned) Ah.... Charles maybe you should start playing the round... (adds quietly) and stop drinking
Hildegard(scoots her chair closer to Muss): See now how you like it.
Muss: ok.so hes a little drunk. why not go complain to him about alcoholism?
Hildegard: Youre the one who can drink it like its water!
Liszt: AHEM-
Mussorgsky: Oh sorry (puts his cards down on the table)
Wagner: What is this chicanery! I havent led the first card yet!! You cant put down the dummy hand until -- (glances over the cards) Of course now that you played out of line youll just have to pay for it. (throws out the heart queen, Ives and Mussorgsky groan)
Ives: now you see what I get for playing with the drunkard!!
(Bach and Zacara roar with laughter, still perceptive enough to realize that Mussorgsky is the only remotely sober player at this point.)
Muss(hand to eyes): ugh, charles get a glass of water and plan the play already
Hildegard: heh, your own plan backfires... how ironic.
Muss: i can handle this... just win every bid from now on....
Two rounds later the drinking has continued (much to Mussorgsky's chagrin), and after the disastrous round played by Ives the last time he won the bid, Muss is now determined to keep the bid away from him at any cost.
Mussorgsky: two hearts..
Liszt: pass
Ives: two diamonds?
Wagner: pass
Mussorgsky: Three Hearts.
(Ives frowns)
Liszt: pass
Ives: Three Spades
Wagner: pass
Mussorgsky(glaring): Four hearts.
Ives(shakes head): no no
Liszt: Pass
Ives: Four Spades!
Mussorgsky: What!
Bach(laughing): it's always great to see partners arguing over their own trump suits!
Zacara: hahaahah-
Mussorgsky: this is not about trump-
Wagner: PASS and get it over with, you bumbling fools! God knows the last time I --
Mussorgsky: Five Hearts!
Ives: You drunk imbecile! games atfour - no needta bid five!
Mussorgsky: We are playing in HEARTSsooo help me god! (Ives looks offended, but he and the others pass, leaving Mussorgsky with a contract to take 11 tricks with hearts as trump.)
Ives: I don'know whatsso wrong with Spades!
Mussorgsky: YOU would have to play!
(Sudden realization on part of Ives)
Ives: WHAT!
Wagner: He's trying to win the game, after all....
t's not long before the drunken Twister game in the living room is interrupted as Brahms returns home from his meeting with Schenker. He stumbles into the foyer, beer bottle in one hand, swaying, singing in a wavering falsetto-
Brahms: at work i just take time... and all through my coffee break time.. i say a little prayer foryouuu--
Mozart(falls over laughing, taking Tchaikovsky and Schumann with him): isthat DIONNE WARWICK!! AHHAHAHAH!!
Tchaik: HEY--
Brahms(swings into TV room): Forever Forever youll stayinmy Hearttt and I will love you-- oh hi guys - you know theresssome interesting metrical an' hypermetrical irregularities in tha' song you know- (leans on wall, finishes beer, drops bottle; adds conversationally) i thinkitsa 5-piece.
Tchaik: What!! areyou STILL worrying about that! cant you jussgo get drunk and have wanton sex with someone!! GOOD GOD, MAN!
Brahms(offended): itsa good song!
Mozart(incapacitated, in a ball laughing): Ohhh hahaha sucha happy drunk singing ahhaha
Schumann: Hannes would you like to join our game??
Brahms(observes the tangled mess of bodies): ehhhh I think Id needa nother drink first..wet bar.. (starts to go; Mozart stops laughing suddenly)
Mozart: ... wet bar???
--Cut to basement, where Strozzi and Mahler have completely given up any pretences of playing pool and are now pressed against the pool table kissing in a manner that suggests they would rather not be interrupted any time soon. They are trying to climb onto the pool table, which results in a flatulent event on part of Strozzi.
Strozzi: Oh - youll have to excuse me - i'mjust a gassy person
Mahler: That is such a turn on
Cut back to living room:
Mozart: ah - no no no hannes-- no you dont need anymore! (struggles to his feet as Brahms teeters out to the hall)
Brahms: Im fiine
Mozart: no no - -ha'some Mozart fruit punch! I madeit mysefl!!
Brahms: I hate fruit punch (reaches for door to basement)
Mozart(grabs his arm): Itsrealllly GOOD.
Brahms: let go
Mozart: no, this way (Brahms manages to open the door, but Mozart tugs on his arm and pulls him away from it) NO TIME FORA DRINK FROM THE WET BAR NOW JOHANNES-
(From the kitchen the following exchange can be heard)
Ives: YOU CANT BE OUTO' SPADES ALREADY!
Wagner: HAH! YOUR CONTRACT WAS DOOMED TO FAILURE!
Brahms: LE'ME GO!
Cut to basement, where our lovers are half-dressed on the pool table when the sounds of the Mozart-Brahms argument reaches them-
Mahler: what--
Strozzi: oh shit housemates-- hide! - (they jump up - look around frantically)
Mahler: Where??
Strozzi: Oh wet bar??
Mahler(trying to button shirt): window! wecan climb out -
Strozzi: it's too high! -
Back upstairs:
Bach comes out of the kitchen, drink in hand, to inspect the struggle between Brahms and Mozart.
Bach: What are you fools doing?
Mozart: GOOD (grabs Bach's drink, shoves it at Brahms's mouth): DRINK! No falling down the stairs necessary--
Brahms(accepts drink like baby and pacifier - coughs, shakes head): whoaa... thatain' frui punch-
Bach: No, its a screwdriver with Modest's 151 proof vodka.
Brahms(chugs rest of it): Good. (hands bach glass, wipes mouth on sleeve, looks at Mozart) now wha'arewe playin???
Meanwhile in the backyard, Beethoven is enjoying a quiet evening of composing love songs -- until the window to the basement screeches open and a man in a disheveled white shirt comes stumbling out and running across the yard.
Beethoven: what in..... he doesn't even LIVE here! what are those crazies doing now??? (squints, another person running) what - is that Barbara?? What is going on??
The bridge game in the kitchen has finally reached the boiling point. Mussorgsky is playing the hand for his team, but he is trying to pull a finesse that only has a 50% chance of working. Sure enough, Wagner smarmily lays down a king to win the trick.
Mussorgsky: agh.. youre not ssupposedta havethe king...!
Wagner(triumphantly): Contract down... by ONE, my dear Modest..
Ives(jumps up, his chair falling back): now THATS IT - NONEEDTo - TO - smirk aboutitlike some preschool girl!!
Hildegard: "girl"?!
Wagner: I beg your pardon - what is the meaning of such an outrageous outburst? are you such a sore loser - have you no dignity, Man!? Why the heavens may--
Ives: BE QUIET! Dontyou evers stop TALKING?!
Liszt(holds up hands unsteadily): now now.. gentlemen.. friends... comrades in arms --
Zacara(mischievously): sometimes you just need to settle a dispute like a Man....
Ives: DAMN STRAIGHT! (smacks the bottle of vodka into the table - of course it breaks, shattering glass and forcing everyone to duck -- Mussorgsky is horrified)
Mussorgsky: WHATARE YOU DOING?! MY PRECIOUS VODKA!
Hildegard(puts a steadying hand on Muss's shoulder as he stumbles out of his chair): No, you should just stay out of this - he's completely gone--
Mussorgsky: My vodka mussst - MUST be avenged!
Ives(threatening Wagner with the remains of the bottle): now stand up and DEFEND yourself --
Wagner: BY GOD, FOOL! (grabs a bottle of olive oil off counter top, makes as if to duel)
Zacara(laughs): haven't you peope learned anything from JS?? olive oil a BAD weapon!!
Liszt(tries to get between Ives and Wagner, but the sudden motion is too much): Whoa -(falls between them) don' ste' on me! (covers head)
Ives: You have noright NO RIGHT to-- ta (wagner smacks him with bottle, then loses grip on it - crash) AGH-
Wagner: The hand is quicker than the drunken eye, let it be known that in the days of my youth i learned the fine art of prestidigitation when I had access to a dude ranch-- (Ives punches him in the jaw) FOUL VILLAIN!! (dives at him)
(Meanwhile, Mussorgsky is pawing in despair at the vodka as it drips off the table.)
Mussorgsky: so sspecial... so beautiful.. ah, like the snowflakessfalling fromthe ssky - so fleeting in their beauty - in life - the beauty onlydisappearing - ethereal - melting atthe touch -agh - MELLLTINGG... (collapses against wall and sinks down sobbing, head in hands)
Hildegard(aside): collapsed in a pool of vodka! Why am I not surprised? (puts a hand on his shaking shoulder) Modest, it will be ok....
(No one notices Beethoven or the camcorder he is holding in the doorway.....)
Meanwhile, the Twister game is also sliding down the slippery path of .. oh wait, that would be slip'n'slide.
Meanwhile the Twister game is also going badly, especially since Tchaikovsky is trying to interrogate Brahms about his "date," Mozart is trying to encourage his suspicions, and Brahms is too drunk to figure out what he's hinting at.. The fruit punch bowl is officially empty.
Mozart(tries to spin arrow as he reaches across the mat): uhh....LEFT FOOT RED!
Schumann: Mighty Mitochondria!! That's my Hand, you good fool!
Bach: Sorry! sorry - I can't see - Pyotr's in the way!
Tchaikovsky: well i cant helpit!
Mozart: Yeah least you havent got your face stuck against his leg hahah
Tchaik: shut up
Brahms: pleassespin again.. Im goinga fall
Mozart: ohhhh letssee ifi can reach.. (has to lean backwards, spins) uhhmm... looksli'eee... right hand green!
(this eases everyones trouble)
Tchaik: sooo, hannes, how was your meeting?
Brahms: hes crazy
Tchaik: hmm, you seem to get along with the crazies..
Mozart: An adventurous theorist?? how lucky you are (spins, nearly tips over in process) ah - red hand.. right hand red
Bach(groans): otherside ofthe board!!
Tchaik: so whatd you do?
Brahms: uhh.. i broughta violin sonata. he tried tosplain his theory.. makes more sense with alcohol..
Mozart: easierto swallow wi' alcohol, soi hear
Brahms: hey - what!
Mozart: heheheh (Brahms tries to smack him, but Mozart ducks and the hand flies into Tchaikovsky's behind instead)
Tchaik: HEY - (falls into Bach - who falls into Brahms; meanwhile Mozart tips over on his own, curled into a ball laughing. Only Schumann is left on the mat.)
Bach: what are you--
Schumann(jumps up): HAH! I WIN.
Mozart: ah ahahahahahahh
Brahms(struggling to escape Tchaik and Bach): damnit wolfgang.. idbeat you up but icantgetoverthere--
Mozart: agh hahaha - so hahah touchy hannes!
Tchaik: I'll say!!
(Brahms manages to crawl onto sofa -facing the window he catches a glimpse of movement outside)
Brahms: hey whossat? -ssat BARBRA!
Mozart: hahah wha'?
(the others join him at the couch in time to see Strozzi dashing across the street, then diving onto ground behind the mailbox - the begonias are far too short to provide any appropriate safety. Mozart breaks into fresh peals of laughter)
Bach: what?
Mozart: Ahahahah - BEGONIAS!!
(Enter Beethoven with camcorder)
Beethoven: What... no drunken fistfights in here?
Mozart(hops up, falls down again): DRUNKEN FISTFIGHT!! WHERE!?
Beethoven: ahahahahh....none in here!
Mozart: Well well well (looks around) Surely Pyotr wouldn' mindstarting one??
Tchaik: What, to defen'my Honor?!
Brahms: what!
Bach: don' instigate...
Mozart: Yeahhhhh buti think he could kickyou'ass, pyotr
Tchaik: slapping it isn't good enough, huh?!
Brahms: WHAT
Schumann: Hah! See - the patterns of conspiracy, my Friend - the Enemy would make such outrageous accusations at us both - first that i should be looking and then you slapping - By God ! 'Tis only the folly of a drunken and wishful subconscious!!
Tchaik: WHAT!!! (dives at Schumann in rage)
Mozart: AHAHAHAH! FISTFIGHT IN HERE NOW! WOOOO only took TWO comments (grins proudly as a show flies past his head)
Bach: (sits back) Ludwig are you getting thison tape?
Beethoven: .. yep.... wait til you see the whole production...... (there is more ruckus from the hallway - Beethoven spins around and manages to catch on film Ives throwing Wagner into the flower arrangement next to the grandfather clock) Oh ..... not enough cameras..... Posterity should thank me for this.....