Vexatious Vicissitudes
The second breakfast shift takes its leisurely time this morning, so much so that Tchaikovsky has to grab a bagel on the run at 8:00 "without a proper meal!" A half hour later we find Beethoven, Strozzi, Wagner, Liszt seated around the table -- Robert Schumann has also deigned to show up today and is stuck with the empty seat next to Wagner..
Wagner: ..and during my morning rounds today I found in the den my writing supplies, and I took a moment's pause - perhaps this storied "morning inspiration" might strike me, but alas, no. However (pregnant pause), I was much alarmed to note that the ink level in my hand-blown glass inkpot had dropped dramatically in the space of one day. Now how do you supposed that happened, if I did not touch my stationery supplies since Tuesday.... Mr. Schumann? (turns his demanding gaze to Schumann, who is merrily plunging his teeth into a slice of grapefruit. Some of the juice splashes Wagner.)
Schumann: Ah - thus the citrus is led astray. (napkins off Wagner's shirt and cheek before the other can react)
Wagner(indignantly): What - Stop avoiding the subject. What nerve have you to go using my stationery supplies AGAIN - after I had already admonished you so severely!?
(Clearly, Schumann has been paying no attention whatsoever to Wagner's rambling, and looks back at him with the expression of a trusting pet unaware that it's about to be shot.)
Schumann: hm?
Strozzi: I think he's suggesting you used his writing supplies again, Robert...
Beethoven: (serenely pushes his oatmeal around in his bowl)
Schumann(frowns): For what? I have written no articles.
Liszt: Perhaps, Richard, you are jumping to conclusions. It's possible that you used more than you thought last time.
Wagner: My own friend impugning my honesty - Franz, you know better. (turns back to Schumann) What is this false show of innocence? Have you not even the courage to admit your misdeeds the second time around - Confess, Man! (hand twists about his knife compulsively)
Schumann(insulted now): Does Mr. Wagner suppose that my inspiration relies upon the curves of a glass muse or the infusions of foppish ink ? Nay, let it be seen in the scrawl of stick on sand but my writing should still be more elegant than yours! Inner Beauty directs the hand - no exotic glass ink pots will save you from your own black will!
Wagner(starts to stand): How DARE You-
Strozzi: Guys - it's too early to start a fist fight!!
Liszt: stop - stop!
Beethoven(stands abruptly, scraping his chair): I did it.
(Everything stops.)
Wagner: but -... what - Ludwig? You?
Beethoven: I am literate, you know.
Wagner: oh, I wasn't suggesting anything to the contrary - I just -- well, you should have asked, I wouldn't deny you--
Beethoven: It was 1:30 in the morning. I didn't think you would be very ..receptive to the idea if I woke you up.
Wagner: Well - I-
Schumann: Your notebooks are full of pencil.
Beethoven(sits slowly): well.. I wasn't writing music.
Strozzi(knows): Ah..
Liszt(also knows): I hope it turns out to be worth the trouble..
Wagner(doesnt know whether to be offended or complimented): Well.. do let me know next time.
(Schumann takes a vigorous bite of grapefruit, splashes Strozzi and Wagner)
Strozzi: ah hah - Robert-
Wagner: Damn it, Fool!
Liszt: Pyotr shouldn't have complained about 'running out' this morning... what a zoo. Maybe I'll join the bohemians in the backyard for once..
Beethoven: careful, it's Johannes and Hildegard.
Liszt(directed glare at Wagner and Schumann): Yes, but I'm sure they have the good sense not to sit next to each other!
Midmorning rolls around; we find Mussorgsky asleep on the sofa. He's spent a comfortable night with his vodka and a Twilight Zone marathon. Now the grandfather clock in the foyer wakes him up with its 9 strikes. He stretches, reaches for the bottle and takes a healthy swig. Time to flip on the TV..
Muss: Hmmm.. Thursday morning.... (watches the newsticker scroll by) hmm.. wasnt I supposed to be doing something today? aahh.. womens club. right. guess I should warn the others.. (he wanders into the kitchen, where Strozzi, Beethoven, Wagner and Schumann are still having breakfast)
Wagner: Modest, this is a surprise...
(Mussorgsky nods at Wagner, but takes the empty seat next to Strozzi)
Mussorgsky: Barbara. Youre a good housemate. You always put up with our idiosyncracies and problems. Dont you think its time you treated yourself to a relaxing day on the town?
Strozzi: I treat myself? (chuckles) I thought you were offering a date.
Mussorgsky: you can use my car and i'll give you money. but i unfortunately need to be present in the house today.
Schumann: Pay him no heed, Barbara, it is an arch plot to get you from the house!
Mussorgsky: well obviously.. if the womens club sees a woman in the house they will be distracted and try to conscript her--
Strozzi(laughs): Oh no, are they coming today? Really, Modest, if you wanted me out of the house, all you had to do was tell me that! I will gladly disappear.
Wagner: "Women's Club"? All the old ladies in town? Nonsense! (stands, takes his mug of coffee with him as he leaves) The fool's got a screw loose..
Mussorgsky(laid back smirk): next time i dont want to hear him complaining about 'lack of foresight.'
Strozzi: How many are you expecting?
Mussorgsky: i dontknow.. 20? theyll all fit in the piano room. You wont mind, Robert will you?
Schumann(alarmed): Oh.... Barbara, were you wanting company on that date about town?
Strozzi: hahah, yes, that should be fun. We'll both escape.
After cleaning up the piano room and making extra space for chairs, Mussorgsky heads to the second floor bathroom to clean himself up. He is very surprised to find Beethoven standing before the mirror brushing his hair.
Muss(stops, alarmed, in the doorway): Whatare you doing??
Beethoven(as if a guilty child caught stealing): uh.. I also decided to take a day on the town..
Muss: Since when do you brush your hair??
Beethoven: since when you do care?
Muss: its just youre doing it all wrong - you shouldnt try to make it flat - just go for the untamed look (grabs brush from Beethoven, runs it haphazardly through the mess of hair, then shoves Beethoven out the door) good now, get out of here. i have to call upon the bygone days of my foppish youth and make myself look presentable (looks in the mirror, grimaces) uhh.. that may take a while...
Cut to backyard: Strozzi, not knowing when the women's club will begin to arrive, has decided to play it safe and wait on the back porch. Liszt is lounging in one of the deck chairs, feet propped on table, chatting quietly on his cell phone. In one corner of the yard, Hildegard meditates silently. Brahms is nowhere to be seen; thus, in the tree. Strozzi smiles approvingly at the scene: peace and quiet. Well, maybe not complete quiet - she can overhear voices from Schubert's yard. Perhaps they are having another poetry meeting? No... it's much more raucous than that.
Voice1: Heinrich... lost your mind!
Voice2: Not yet! - thats what I must prevent through these thoughtles distractions -- PITCH, DAMN IT!!
Voice3(as if from inside): ...wiffle balls!
Strozzi: what in... (Liszt smiles at her, waves it off -- suddenly the pop of a bat and a baseball shoots into the yard) are they playing BASEBALL??
Liszt(covers phone): Maybe Robert's right after all ...??
(The baseball zooms into the tree; leaves swish, a branch cracks, Brahms cries out and winds up in a heap on the lawn... ball in hand.)
Strozzi: oh no! Are you all right, Johannes?
Brahms(jumps up): WHAT!!
(Hildegard looks up from her corner of the yard - she can be seen muttering to herself in displeasure)
Liszt(chuckles): now theyre in for it (to phone) oh no, dear.. just some neighbors disturbing the peace... ..... right...
Strozzi: This should be amusing. (She joins Brahms at the bushes which divide the yards. He is scowling fit to burn a hole through a person -- Schubert dashes over)
Schubert: Ah, neighbor --
Strozzi: try not to kill anyone, Joh-
(Brahms strides directly through bushes like the Terminator through a brick wall. Strozzi darts back to avoid the curt whiplash of the branches; she decides to stay in the safe yard and observe..)
Brahms(angrily): Hello!
(Schubert finds himself at the head of a group of cowering poets. He clears his throat nervously and tries to seem sympathetic for the glowering stranger.)
Schubert: I'm so sorry! I hope you're not hurt??
Brahms: I don't know yet -- like having your arm chopped off in the midst of battle - you don't notice right away...! (holds up ball) So who's the grand slam hitter?
(A young fellow with a long face and longish chesnut hair steps forward solemnly. He holds the bat towards Brahms as if a peace offering.)
Heine: strike true and put a starving, lovestruck poet out of his misery!
Brahms: I'm not going to hit you with a baseball bat. Maybe if this were a sword....
Heine: would that it were! I'd have done the deed for you already.
Schubert: Oh stop complaining, Heinrich - you've disturbed our neighbor, the least you can do is apologize.
Heine: No, it's somehow appropriate to the pains of love that I should - in lieu of the sword for myself --take this bat and hit some small inanimate object -- and that it, in turn, should fly out of range and strike some innocent bystander! That's how love works, you know -- the innocent are always getting injured!
Brahms: Oh... So I'm suffering on account of some girl I've never even met?? (smirks) That sounds about right. Yeah. (holds out hand in truce) We should be cursing the girl, not each other, my dear poet!
Strozzi(aside, from other yard): ah hah - where's Hildegard this time?
Heine: Hah! (to friends) See, the thinking, feeling man understand my dilemma. (to Brahms) Yes, you are a right fellow - come play baseball with us -
Schubert: Or at least have a drink-
Another: Yeah, I could use one of those--
(Strozzi stands back from the bushes, amused. Liszt, now off the phone, notices from his spot on the deck and calls over.)
Liszt: What - who died?
Strozzi: No one! (joins him) He's been swallowed up by the dead poet's society.. well, almost dead.. you should hear them going on about lovesickness and alcohol.. oh these Romantic types...
Liszt: Speaking of alcohol.... what do you think about Hildegard's plan? I completely forgot about Modest's... .. polite society of ladies..
Strozzi: oh yes, at least he had the decency to warn me.
(Enter Schumann, bright-eyed, well dressed, smiling)
Schumann: Hallo, dear lady, ready for our day on the town?
Strozzi: Yes - why that's a dashing outfit on you, Robert
Schumann: Thanks - shall we be off before the raging hoardes arrive? (holds out his arm)
Strozzi(takes it): Yes, let's.
Schumann: Onward! (they jaunt off - Liszt is left completely confused)
Liszt: What... .. what is the meaning of that?!
Meanwhile in the house, the women's club ladies have begun to arrive. They are congregated in the piano room and Mussorgsky, playing the good host, has offered tea. He now sticks his head out the doorway of the piano room and looks about the hallway- Mozart is wandering near the den.
Muss: Psst!
Mozart(freezes, eyes shut, hands in the air): Don't shoot!
Muss: wolfy stop goofing around and put on some tea for our ladies!
Mozart: (grins) oh, if you insist.. shall I prepare an impressive tea tray as well?
Muss: yeah as long as theres brandy on it.
Mozart: hahah i didnt realize it was a drinking club - maybe I'll join, eh?
Muss(shakes head, goes back into piano room, addresses the women): Tea's on the way. (takes his seat at the piano bench) now am I to understand that you are supporters of music in the community?
MrsHickman: Oh yes! we encourage young performers and ensembles-
(Mussorgsky starts "absently" to improsive some wandering tune)
Mussorgsky: I'm sure everyone would be glad to know that we have such good moral support..
MrsHinnet: are you a musician yourself?
Mussorgsky(modestly): I compose, play piano, sing..
Another: Oh, do sing us a song-
Mussorgsky: oh.. well ...
(By the time Mozart brings in the tea, Muss has completely charmed all the old ladies and they are in the midst of a lively discussion about the "degenerate music of today" and how refreshing it is that some young people "dare to preserve artistic integrity." Mozart is amused but restrains himself from making any smart comments.)
Mozart(sets tray down on coffee table): Your brandy is included, Modest.
Mussorgsky: Thanks, Wolfgang
(Mozart grins mischievously, but exits with no further remarks.)
MrsHickman(inspecting tray) This is brandy you have is an excellent brand! (she passes the bottle around for the others to see)
Mussorgsky: Yes, but you should see the family vodka- we make our own on the estate-
Another: I should be very interested to see that- I'm quite the connoisseur of vodka
MrsHickman(intrigued): Your own vodka?
Mussorgsky: Well, Russian blood, you know.. we like to flatter ourselves; we do it best.
MrsRands: You must show us!
Mussorgsky: Well... Wait here.. We'll have some taste-testing.. (goes to get bottle)
Cut to mall: MONTAGE TIME!
We see Schumann and Strozzi at Nordstrom's - he holding out various wildly-colored outfits for her to consider, she grimacing at a good many of them and laughing at the rest.
The two of them getting ice cream cones; Schumann gesturing excitedly and talking about some bird flying from palm tree to palm tree overhead.
Strozzi trying to find Schumann a proper hat - he adopting a different expression each time a new one hits his head.
Schumann spotting the Piercing Pagoda and dragging Strozzi across the mall to it--
Back at the ranch two hours later, Mussorgsky and the women's club have sampled ALL of his alcohol, and are now in the midst of a very lively discussion on the state of Mahler's begonias..
MrsHickman: He tells me he gets themfrom WALMART -
MrsHinnet: Absolutely not!!
MrsHickman: I know! What Walmart does HE mean? (they laugh)
MrsRands: I would swear he hires a man to do his landscaping
MrsHickman: but ivenever Seen one! in fact i never see anyone landscaping -- our neighbor across the street, Franz - hes alwaysout in the yard, but Gustav is never home!
Mussorgsky(the only one who is remotely sober): Yeah, its quite amusing.. some of my colleagues keep trying to catch him to discuss putting on their operas.. but they never can! (more laughter)
Meanwhile, Hildegard is becoming agitated in anticipation of the.. task action force soon to arrive. She can sense that they are on the way, but... Cut to her pacing about in the hallway outside the piano room.
Hildegard: When are they leaving??? (checks grandfather clock) its been 3 hours!
(Suddenly a knock on the door; she sighs and opens it. A tall, dark, and imposing man stands at the head of a group; he looks like the serious sort of person who could actually use a drink. Hildegard is surprised)
Rachmaninoff(shakes her hand): Sergei Rachmaninoff head of the recruiting sector of the AA...Where is He?
Hildegard(gestures to piano room): in there, but -- (Rachmaninoff and the others walk into the room - they only get so far, though, because it is so crowded and the smell of alcohol stops them dead - twenty white heads turn toward them suspiciously.)
Mussorgsky(offended): hey now, who are you?
Rachmaninoff: Are you Modest Mssorgsky?
Mussorgsky: yes.. what is this?
Rachmaninoff: We're from Alcoholics Anonymous and we're here to help you..
Mussorgsky: I don't need help!
MrsHickman(stands, grabbing sofa for support): Now wait just a minute-- as president of the Women's Club, I can faithfully attest that this young man is no alcoholic but rather a connoisseur and brewer of fine liquers!
MrsHinnet(stands also): Thats right!
Rachmaninoff(somewhat unnerved): We received a tip from someone who knows the situation very well, and sometimes alcoholics will go through great lengths to conceal their problem - it may just be that you don't understand--
Mussorgsky: Dont insult the wisdom and perception of these fine ladies! They are my guests and youve interrupted our meeting!
MrsRands: here here! (the others voice their agreement)
Rachmaninoff: Now Mr. Mussorgsky, if youd just come with us - you'd appreciate the great artistic benefits you will reap from psychological counselling -- (the AA task force attempts to crowd the doorway and appear intimidating, but they are severely outnumbered by the women's club who are becoming increasingly insensed.)
Mussorgsky: You have no right to drag me out of my own house - kindly LEAVE!
MrsHickman: What kind of community-building society do you presume to be? Disturbing the peace and bringing a bad name to do-gooders everywhere!
Rachmaninoff: Please, Mr. Mussorgsky (reaches out towards him, but the women interpret this as some sort of forceful agitation - they pounce, handbags and empty bottles in hand)
Mussorgsky(appalled but amused): Oh... hahah..!
Rachmaninoff: DEAR GOD!
Women: Now no attacking - Get out you brutes! None of this!!
Rachmaninoff: RETREAT!! (the AA company tries to scramble from the room, getting in each other's way and tripping over chair legs)
Hildegard: Oh god save us--
Mozart: Ah heheh... (video camera to eye, rolling tape and narrating) And now we see the primal rage of the protective mothers when their cub is being threatened.. (zooms in on Rachmaninoff's face being smacked with a red purse) Ooh! That was a particularly brutal and well-aimed hit - (the camera is suddenly jarred as Hildegard grabs for it)
Hildegard: Wolfy! Get that out of here!!
Mozart: Ahahahahahaha!
Hildegard(wrests camera from his grasp): Help them! before we have to send someone to the hospital!
Mozart(teeters down hall, clutching stomach): ahhaha.. ohhh, the absurdity!!
Hildegard(holds up hands as if Moses parting Red Sea): Please, everyone, calm down! (one of the AA people runs behind her in terror - she holds her palm at the forehead of the old lady in hot pursuit -)
MrsHinnet: Excuse me!
Hildegard: As a fellow woman, I must say your actions are deplorable - we understand better than men that there are times for diplomacy and times for violence. This is not a time for violence!
MrsHinnet: oh I supposenot.. (turns around, stumbles into another batch of angry old women)
(The AA flees from the scene, Rachmaninoff trying to maintain some of the dignity with which he arrived. As the old women begin milling about collecting their things to go, Mussorgsky catches Hildegard's eye from across the room and hallway. He is glaring with an intensity Hildegard would not have expected - she tries to smile sympathetically but MrsHickman stumbles across the field and in her way.. Hildegard decides it best to go upstairs and let things settle.)
Around 5, Schumann and Strozzi return from their day on the town. They seem particularly pleased - Strozzi has a large shopping bag and Schumann a small gold hoop earring. Before they can get far down the hall, the back door opens and Brahms wanders in, singing and stumbling from wall to wall.
Brahms: how dry Iammm!!!
Wagner(calls from den): STICK TO THE PIANO, FOOL, YOU SOUND LIKE A SICK CAT!
Strozzi: Ah ahahah - I've never seen this one drunk before!
Schumann(confused and concerned): What...??
Brahms: Ohhey guys -- (comes toward them) How dry Iammm--- you know Rober'.. (stumbles into Schumann, who has to support him) Robert tha' wouldbea good fugue subje' juss.. tack ona li'le exsension.. see (sings) da da da- daa dededede--(continues on)
Schumann: What now - get a hold of yourself, Man!
Brahms: your'supposedta comeinon five! comeinon five Damnit!!
Strozzi: hahaha - I'll come in on V, Hannes, if I can stop laughing.. (clears throat) just start over. (Brahms starts the "fugue" again, and Strozzi does enter with the appropriate answer - Schumann gives up pretensions of being the keeper of sober authority and brings in the third voice in a resounding baritone register -- Brahms stops abruptly)
Brahms: no were modulatingta SIX (swipes at floor decisively) SIX!
Schumann(personally offended): No, first to V. Do it properly.
Brahms: isai'SIX (almost falls over again) fivesfortha pe'alatthaend SIXis sugges'ed - sugges'edintha subje'-
Strozzi(laughing): I can't help, I'm afraid.. I'm laughing too hard
Brahms(looks up at Schumann): ohh i mus'really be gone- youre turning intoa pirate
Schumann(brightens, points to his ear with one hand, thus lessening his support of Brahms, who promptly falls to the floor): yes This! (bends head toward Brahms) But this is no trendy pirate earring, my friend - No, this is in loyal show of my support for the greatest dramatist the world has ever known: William Shakespeare!
Brahms(laughs): imreally drunk
Schumann: No, it is true!!
(Enter Mozart, coming up from the basement - he takes one look at the scene -- Brahms in the middle of the hallway floor chuckling inanely; Schumann bending over, wide-eyed and pointing at his own ear, making some declamation with all the seriousness of a blood oath, and Strozzi standing back laughing. She waves to him)
Mozart: Ahahh-- wheres my camera NOW?
Strozzi: You missed the fugue on "How dry I am!"
Mozart: DAMN! Where's Hildegard?!
(Hildegard comes down the stairs - pauses)
Hildegard: oh no - NOW whos drunk?!!
Mussorgsky(sticks head out of TV room): and on cheap beer too! (spies Hildegard) YOU!
Hildegard(pulls herself up in noble indignation): Modest.
Mussorgsky(comes down hall): Youre trying to get me thrown into some asylum - who elsed sic the AA on me?!
Hildegard: It's for your own benefit!
Brahms(tugs at Schumann's pant leg): areyou gettinga parrot robert? i should likeaparro'
Mozart: Ahahhaha - where's my camera -- (turns to Hildegard) WHERE'S MY CAMERA!?
(Now Hildegard is being accosted by both Mussorgsky and Mozart. She takes a step back up so that she may tower over them)
Hildegard: Now calm down, you two..
Mussorgsky: whats next -- the secret police?!
Mozart: You really shouldn't be taking my things -- I mean, look what I'm missing (gestures at Brahms, who is still rambling) this is great blackmail material! This should be preserved for all posterity-
Brahms: bu'parrots don'makeupfor piracy. youshouldnt give intho' silly trends dont do i'...
Schumann: Hannes, it is a SHAKESPEARE earring.
Brahms: i hate pirates
Mozart: CAMERA!
Mussorgsky: I am not an alcoholic!!
(The front door slams open and Tchaikovsky makes his grand angry entrance - he scowls at the mess before him)
Tchaikovsky: I come home from an awful day at school and you're all sitting around drinking and playing games, I see!
Hildegard(calls across the hall): Pyotr - that's not true, we had an awful day today!
Brahms(smiling deliriously): i ha'a GreatDay! I go' hitwitha baseballl--
Tchaik(stalks past, gestures at Schumann): This one's got an earring. (points at Brahms) That one's drunk -- what - why is HE drunk? (to Muss) YOURE supposed to be the drunk one!
Mussorgsky: I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC! YOU FOOLS UNDERSTAND NOTHING! (storms off)
Tchaik(has completely ignored Muss since Schumann's earwear has sunk in): Is that a gold hoop earring in your left ear, Robert?
Schumann(proudly): Indeed.
Tchaik(throws up hands as if distancing himself from it all): I can't deal with this right now. I'm just going to walk away from the situation... (wipes brow as he goes into kitchen) NOT worrying about it...
Strozzi(leaning against wall laughing): Wolfy, get your camera..
Mozart: Ah hahah -- (turns angrily to the staircase) HILDEGARD!
Hildegard: Wolfy, our great plans HAVE FAILED and all you can worry about is a camera?? I put it in your room!
Mozart: Ach! (dashes upstairs)
Brahms(tugging incessantly at Schumann): Rober' Rober' thalawngnomepeople- they--
Schumann: Ohh, are THEY responsible for this treacherous insobriety! Cunning fiends to strike so close to our new hope! THEY WILL SUFFER-
(Enter the work force.)
Zacara: WHERE'S MY MAIL! (no answer from Mussorgsky) I'm expecting word back from my Polish publishers, damn it!
Ives: How can you be worrying about music at a time like this - I'm famished! (heads for kitchen, pauses at the sight of Brahms) Why is HE drunk - has he been into Modest's store?
Brahms: theyrenice
Schumann: Oh no, my friend - be not taken in by their seductive charms, for they are all scheming at heart. No, we must plan our counterattack NOW! (grabs Brahms by sleeve, drags him off toward the piano room)
Bach: ahahh I suppose the AA took the wrong person today!
Strozzi: oh no - dont mention it-
Hildegard(too late): ARGHHH!!! (closes eyes, holds out arms, takes a deep breath)
(Enter Wagner from den doorway; he is holding a handkerchief to his head and looking rather pale)
Wagner: Dear comrades - I have a splitting headache -- only further exacerbated by the vexatious vicissitudes of your noisy whims! BE QUIET!!!! (disappears again)
Hildegard: oh what a day! (goes back upstairs)
Strozzi: ahhhh.. enough to make me work up an appetite.
Bach: Indeed, let's see what they're making in the kitchen.
(The hall is thus cleared out - cue Mozart coming back down the stairs, video camera in hand)
Mozart: What! NO! where'd they all go!! hahahahh..Ohh Curse my luck!