(Dark stage, Spotlight up on Adam, he’s an average height, skinny guy with tousled brownish-black hair dressed in a very “European” style (mix-n-matchy with a polyester sports jacket) he has a microphone on a stand in front of him and he talks directly to the audience. note: he is NOT Mexican)
ADAM: People always ask me: What is the Big Payback? What is that? What does it mean? You’re preaching about it, you’re singing about, you’re talking about it; it’s got to mean something. Ok, I’ll clear the air once and for all, so I can get it out of the way, so we never have to talk about it again, what exactly the Big Payback is. Now to do that, I’m going to have to talk very openly and very personally about a lot of the very personal and sensitive subject matters of my life. Which is not very easy for me, so if you’ll bear with me and fallow along I feel like we’d all be at a much better place at the end. Work with me. Growing up, many of you know me, many of you don’t, but growing up a young Puerto Rican boy in the streets of Spanish Harlem was not easy for me. I grew up impoverished, I grew up starving, I grew up in a horrible, crime-ridden community. And the only joy that I found in my sad, poor little existence was in the music of the streets, the music of the people, the music of anarchy, the music of freedom! The music of Julio Iglesias. Now I was obsessed with him as a kid, posters on my wall, spoke Latin all the time, I dressed like him, I formed this band
(low light up on the rest of the stage. There is a three piece band behind him, a guitarist, a bassist, and a drum set, all stage frozen. There’s also a television and a couch off to stage right.)
in an attempt to be like him, cause he was the only person I knew of that was truly about art, truly about freedom, true to himself, and to his fans. And it always annoyed my mother. It always just ate at her, got on her nerves. She hated it and one day we got into this sweltering fight about it. And she said, “Listen, no more Julio Iglesias, no more, and I’m going to tell you why, cause of two reasons. One, Julio Iglesias is not an artist, it’s a lie,” I was as shocked as you are, said “It was a lie, a fabrication, he’s not even Mexican. It’s all just a big fib. It’s a cover-up. And there’s no such thing as an artist. Artists are just sickofantic, disgusting, perverted human beings who use their art, their music, their writing, their acting as a front, as a front to cover up their pathetic obsesses.” I thought this was the most disgusting thing I’d ever heard. And she said, “It’s true! I’ll show it to you.” She handed me Julio Iglesias’s contract, this is what you must have to hire Julio Iglesias. And it says, if I can just recite this for you, that he must have, backstage, at every show, 2 pounds of Mexican Making Make-up, Spanish lessons from a tutor named Mrs. Mcterry, and, because he’s Jewish, a full bowel of Motza Ball soup and Farval. Now I thought this was crap, I thought THIS was the most disgusting thing I’d ever heard, I thought she’s made this up. She said, “No, this is all true.” And the reason she knows it is because Julio Iglesias was my father. I am the illegitimate son, of Julio Iglesias. This was too much, I couldn’t believe it. She said, “You don’t believe me? You don’t believe that there’s no such thing as an Artist? You don’t believe that you’re a Jew and not Mexican? Take this contract and bring it to your friends in the band, and see what they have to say.” So I did. I took these things over to these guys,
(He runs over to the guitarist, Eric, a tall guy dressed in jeans and a button down shirt that isn’t tucked in)
and I said “Eric! Eric! My mother says that theirs no such thing as an artist, and I’m Jewish, I’m not really Mexican and Julio Iglesias is my father!” And he said,
(ADAM turns back to the audience and answers for Eric as he is still frozen)
“Well… Yeah.” Apparently he had been in on this. And I looked around at these guys and I realized, wait a second, there is no… These guys aren’t artists! We’re not artists. I mean look at these guys. (Motions to band) Seriously, take a good hard look.
(ADAM runs over to the bassist, MIKE, a short athletic guy with a blond ponytail and a happy smile. He talks vaguely in an accent, but not really)
This guy, he thinks he’s from Oklahoma, he thinks he’s from the South, he sings in a accent, he’s from Saiosit Long Island, I’m sorry to burst the bubble.
(ADAM moves to ERIC)
This guy over here, is a snake skin, with his obsessive love of 70s gay pornography, he watches them all, and he alphabetizes them, but he doesn’t alphabetize by the movie, but by the porn star which is really sick.
(ADAM hurries over to drummer, KEN, an average guy with a hard look on his face, very sarcastic, and spiked black hair)
And here, do I really have to say something? This guy is obsessed, not with movies, like any artist, but with movie theaters, he’s obsessed with the theaters, and the popcorn, and the crane, and the arcade games. He hangs around inside pretending he works there asking people how the movies were but he never goes inside to see them.
(ADAM moves back to the front of the stage and his microphone.)
So I ran, I booked. I figured I had
to take this contract and take it to the source. I had to go to my dad, Julio
Iglesias. And I knew that he was playing, at the San Jenaro
festival on Mercer and
(MIKE, ERIC, and KEN all wake up, they play an ending cord to a song, ADAM doesn’t join them, just tells one last thing to the audience:)
There’s no such thing as an artist.
ERIC: Good job everyone, looks like we might actually be ready for the gig tomorrow.
(ADAM carries the microphone stage right while all this is happening, then slowly goes to join ERIC)
KEN: No way, (he gets up from the drums and moves down to Eric.) I think we’re screwed.
MIKE: Don’t be such a pessimist, man. We are going to rock! (high fives ERIC) Doncha think, Adam? (ADAM has just arrived next to ERIC)
ADAM: (distracted) Yeah, sure. (He removes his jacket and throws it in a haphazard direction)
ERIC: What is wrong with you, Adam? You don’t seem like your head is into this lately.
KEN: (sarcastically) yeah, don’t want to go giving our “paying” audience a sallow show.
(ERIC, KEN, and MIKE all freeze, ADAM moves down stage left)
ADAM: (to the audience) This is my band. Well, not exactly MY band, more like our band. _The_ band. We almost never stop arguing so you’re pretty much seeing exactly what goes on every practice. (ADAM looks back at the band)
(MIKE unfreezes)
MIKE: Just because our audience isn’t paying “big money” doesn’t mean that…
(MIKE freezes)
ADAM: (back to the audience) Doesn't means that we’re never going to get a record deal. (looks back to band)
(ERIC unfreezes)
ERIC: Just because half our crowd is drunk doesn’t mean that…
(ERIC freezes)
ADAM: (back to audience) Doesn’t mean that I’ll be working bad acting jobs for the rest of my life just to pay the bills. (back to band)
(KEN unfreezes)
KEN: Just because we actually suck doesn’t mean that…
(KEN freezes)
ADAM: (back to audience) Doesn’t mean that my biggest dream was a waste of time. (sigh) Ok, so maybe I’m a bit of a pessimist, that doesn’t make me a bad person.
(ERIC, KEN, and MIKE unfreeze)
ALL THREE: Adam? What do you mean? What is the Big Payback?
ADAM: When I first started this band, back in High School, I told them all that we were just waiting for the Big Payback.
THREE: What is the Big Payback?
ADAM: The Big Payback. It’s not a record deal, it’s not money, it’s not me finally breaking out of these stupid commercials I’ve been working on since I’ve started acting...
(THREE run over to the television and pile onto the couch)
ERIC: Adam, hurry up! Your commercials on!
ADAM: (to the audience) Oh goody.
MIKE: Hurry, you’ll miss it!
COMMERCIAL, ADAM’s VOICE: So come on down, where you’re treated like an actual person.
ADAM: (to the audience) Except for me, being in their commercial does not make you an actual person in their eyes. (he walks over to the BAND who clear a spot for him on the couch despite the commercial being over) Shit, I missed it.
MIKE: It was very good, I’m sure they’ll play it again.
KEN: I’m even more sure that’s what he’s worried about.
MIKE: One of these days an agent is going to see how wonderful an actor you are and…
KEN: We’ll never see you again.
MIKE: (Glares at KEN) And you’ll get a cushy sitcom.
ERIC: If you’re really want to be “discovered” why don’t you go down to Broadway? You can sing, you can act, you’ll be a shoe-in.
MIKE: Adam is far too good for the stage, he deserves the Silver Screen. (pause) Or at least the small screen.
ADAM: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, I’m a very screeny person.
ERIC: Yep, that’s my Adam. (Puts his arm around ADAM)
MIKE: Yep, the Big Payback.
(THREE freeze)
ADAM: (to the audience) Don’t let these assholes fool you, they have absolutely no clue what the Big Payback is. They just like to pretend that they do, pretend they aren’t just fallowing me stupidly and blindly. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I don’t even know what the Big Payback is. I just know that one day something will happen and I’ll be able to say “Oh, what do you know? The Big Payback.”
(THREE unfreeze)
MIKE: And you can buy me a Porsche.
ADAM: A Porsche?
MIKE: Yeah, I’ve always wanted a Porsche.
ERIC: Don’t be such an idiot, Adam isn’t doing to go off buying us all cars when he hits the big time.
KEN: Exactly, he’s going to be buying a wardrobe that doesn’t look like a Goodwill store.
ADAM: Screw you! (he fake punches KEN)
(All FOUR laugh. Black Out.)
(Low lights up, a street scene, but not elaborate, maybe a street sign or something. ELLEN, a small girl with long strawberry blond hair dressed in a peppy sundress runs over to ADAM)
ELLEN: Adam!
ADAM: Oh, hello.
ELLEN: Is the gig still on for tomorrow?
ADAM: Of course it is, why wouldn’t it be?
ELLEN: Well, you were talking earlier about canceling it.
ADAM: I guess I forgot. Little late now.
ELLEN: So it’s still on?
ADAM: Guess so.
ELLEN: Good. I’ll see you at nine?
ADAM: At nine.
ELLEN: Excellent! Love you.
(ADAM and ELLEN kiss. ELLEN prances off. Black out except spot on ADAM.)
ADAM: Ok, so the gig started at eight, what could I say? By the way, sweet-pea, eight. She’ll probably show up at nine-thirty and never even notice that she’s an hour and a half late. And if she does show up at nine I’ll just tell her we started a little early. She’ll never even notice.
(Black Out)
(Lights up. Stage center is a car (not a convertible or anything, just a car), ERIC is sitting on the roof of the car with a notebook and pen, KEN is in a chair plunking away at an acoustic guitar, MIKE is standing next to a bucket of suds holding a hose and a sponge. All three are dressed in casual-summer clothes. ADAM is down stage left with a spotlight.)
(ADAM strips off his pants and shirt to reveal shorts and a tank top)
ADAM: I love my friends. I really do. They’re fun, they’re silly… Sometimes I want to beat them all with two-by-fours, but hey, I guess that’s friendship. My life would be pretty boring if I got along with everyone.
(ADAM walks over to the other THREE who unfreeze.)
ERIC: Would you guys please concentrate, we really need to figure this out.
KEN: I really don’t think we do.
ERIC: Would you please back me up here, Ken, I expect Mike to be willy-nilly, we don’t need to be prepared, but you at least should.
(MIKE drops the hose, goes over to ERIC, and whaps him with the wet sponge.)
ERIC: Mike!
ADAM: (laughing) Lighten up man, I think we’re capable of throwing a set list together a little closer to show time.
MIKE: We’ve done it before.
KEN: Actually, we’ve done it before again and again, over and over.
ERIC: And how many times do our shows actually go well?
ADAM: Actually, Eric may have a point here. (he sits next to ERIC on the car hood and puts his arm around him) Perhaps if we stop having anything even resembling fun we can finally stop having fun on stage as well and become just like every other mindlessly boring band.
MIKE: Our funness is what makes us good.
KEN: It might make sense if our music made us good but I can guarantee that it’s not our organized and pre-prepared set lists that do.
ERIC: Very funny guys (He heaves the notebook into the car window without getting up) You want no set list? No set list.
MIKE: Hell yeah.
KEN: What makes us good is the fact that we don’t spend every waking moment thinking about the band. We have fun then we get on stage and we have more fun.
ADAM: I thought we sucked.
KEN: Oh we do, what I mean is, the reason people come to listen to us.
(Black out)
(Spotlight on ADAM who is now dressed back in his opening outfit.)
ADAM: I’m not going to lie to you and say that everything went the way I planned. Nothing EVER goes the way I plan. If I plan it, you can bet it will do the exact opposite. I always planned that it would be perfect. You know, fairy tale like. Guys like to pretend that they don’t plan things out in their heads, don’t plan out these horribly irrational things just because they want everything to go off without a hitch. No Disney fairy tale crap. Urban fairy tale.
(ADAM walks to the center of the stage)
I always thought it would happen and everything would be perfect. That I would see it coming. I’d see it and I’d think, there it is, it is coming. Oh look, here it is. No such luck. Ton of bricks. All of a sudden it was there. I really should have seen it coming. Most times I say that I look back and I realize that NOW I see it coming. But not this. This really was out of the blue. No hind sight is 20/20, even if I knew it was coming I wouldn’t be able to see it coming.
“Oh, what do you know? The Big Payback.”
(Lights up on the band set up once again. ERIC, MIKE, KEN, and ADAM are down left)
ERIC: Here (he shoves paper in the THREE’s hands) Just take these.
ADAM: Mind if I ask?
MIKE: Why are you Set List Man all of a sudden?
ERIC: I don’t know. I just feel…
KEN: Ancy.
MIKE: You have stage fright? This is new.
ERIC: No.
KEN: Just ancy.
ADAM: Right.
ERIC: I don’t feel ancy! I don’t even know what feeling ancy is!
KEN: Then how do you know you aren’t feeling it?
ERIC: Would you just shut up.
ADAM: What is wrong with you?
ERIC: Nothing.
(Black out)
(Spotlight, down stage left, on KEN)
KEN: It never really meant anything to me. I know that sounds stupid but it didn’t. I never had anything that I really wanted enough to… I guess want. Everyone has silly little desires, and some it’d be nice to haves. But it takes a lot to want. A “want” isn’t a CD or a person or world peace. It’s something more than that. Something that you are willing to place hope upon. I’ve never wanted anything enough to hope for it. I just always wanted something to hope for. Not anything, just something. Someday it will happen and everything will be good. The Big Payback.
(Black Out)
(Low light on KEN and ELLEN stage center. ELLEN is in a new, just a silly looking, sundress)
ELLEN: Sorry about being early, I just thought I could help set up.
KEN: Early? We’re going on in a minute.
ELLEN: Oh. I guess Adam messed up, he told me the gig was at nine.
KEN: I’m a little surprised he didn’t show up at nine.
(ELLEN laughs. Ken just looks at her.)
ELLEN: Oh, I thought that was a joke.
KEN: Kind of yes, kind of no.
ELLEN: Good luck, I’m going to try and get a good seat.
(Black out)
(Spotlight, down stage right, on MIKE)
MIKE: My mother died when I was a little boy. I always felt this inane desire to make her proud of me. She can’t exactly approve of me if she’s dead but I never really though about that. It never really mattered. I never really bought into that silly thing about dead people always looking over us. I think the dead have better things to do then watch people. I know I would. Socializing with all of their dead friends. I guess I’ve always thought that if maybe everyone knew my name then maybe someone will die and go up to Heaven and say “You’re Mike Liasn’s mother, aren’t you? You must be very proud of him.” And she will be. Proud of me, not my mother, she’s already my mother. But I’m getting off track. Point is, someday everything is just going to click and she’ll know that I was worth it. The Big Payback.
(Black Out)
(Low light comes up on MIKE and ADAM stage center)
MIKE: You ready?
ADAM: What do you mean ‘ready’?
MIKE: I mean ready. Pumped. Ready to go out on that stage and give a good show.
ADAM: Oh, I’m always ready.
MIKE: I don’t think you have enough energy to be ready.
ADAM: I’m ready, ok?
MIKE: Sure. You’re ready.
(Black Out)
(Spotlight, down center, on ERIC)
ERIC: Ok, do maybe I’m just sick. Sick and tired of everyone just bouncing around like nothing matters. It matters, god dammit. Everyone treats the world like it doesn’t matter. No one takes their time to make things perfect. You can’t expect everything to just come together. You have to do a little work to get the results that you want. I guess I’m sick of being the only one that realizes that. One day it’s all going to work. All of my hard work, all of everyone’s hard work is just going to come back and give them everything they’ve ever wanted and they’ll realize what a good idea it was to give that extra mile. The Big Payback.
(Black Out)
(Low light up on ERIC walking off stage.)
ELLEN: (comes on stage from the other side) Eric! (ERIC stops and they meet stage center) It is Eric right?
ERIC: It’s Eric.
ELLEN: Oh good, I thought for a second I was wrong.
ERIC: You’re not wrong.
ELLEN: Where are you going?
ERIC: Somewhere that isn’t here.
ELLEN: Do you know who I am?
ERIC: No, should I?
ELLEN: My names Ellen. Does that help?
ERIC: Should it?
ELLEN: No, no it shouldn’t.
(ERIC leaves)
ELLEN: Why would he know who I am? It’s not like Adam would have told him.
(ELLEN leaves)
(Black Out)
(Spotlight, down center, on ADAM)
ADAM: We never did go on stage that night. I sat backstage and Eric never came. Not that I expected him to. Ken came and sat he kept getting up and walking away then coming back and sitting down and getting up and walking away and after a little bit, he didn’t come back. Not that I expected him to. I don’t know where Mike was. He would walk past me and go on stage, putting out set lists and glasses and water and after Ken left, he sat down with me. He sat there for a minute with his head in his hands and he was the only person who bothered to tell me they were leaving. The Big Payback.
(Black Out)
(Spotlight, down right, on ADAM)
ADAM: I always felt like a preacher. Standing up in front of a whole town of people who are starving because of a bad crop. I tell them, don’t worry, God will take care of us. He has a plan for all of us and if it’s time for us to die then it’s time for us to die. Have faith in God. I’ve never believed in God, so I guess it’s pretty silly for me to compare to a man of him. Or maybe it’s blasphemous. I can never tell the difference. But I guess that’s the point. You just have to have faith that there is a difference. Faith in God. Faith in the Big Payback.
(Black Out)
(Spotlight, down left, on ADAM)
ADAM: What is an artist? An artist is someone who creates art. There’s no such thing as an artist because of why? If an artist is someone who creates art then I am an artist. Words are art. Lies are art. I always knew that in the end there was nothing keeping us together. That’s why I lied. That’s why I had to make them believe there was something. Make them have faith in something that we could only achieve as a group. Make then believe in a lie long enough that maybe they wouldn’t care anymore, wouldn’t care that everything was just a big lie. I tricked myself. I made myself believe that it existed. Even though I made it up, therefore it couldn’t really exist. Tricked myself so much that even now I still believe. Even now I sit all by myself and say: This is the Big Payback.
(Black Out)
All contents on this and any other page on Complications is the intellectual property of Rebecca Moses.
