Pressing: 100 CDr (limted only available on summer tour 2002)
1. I Wither As You Rot [LISTEN]
Hold Back (pant, pant) here, agift for those of you who can gaze into my eyes I'll show you the holes in my flesh where I pulled off the remaining flaps of skin exposing only nerve and bone (ignore the moans) NOW THIS (rubs his chest) It's where I peirced myself with wires i did it to feel the current better now the elements leave me chilled (requests hugs for warmth, but prays for kissess) here, take this needle, take this thread try to stitch my seams together again (sexual organs aroused by touch) do it well for at night I lie awake unraveling In deep silence I still feel your touch, fingers across scar tissue and smiles (was it good for you?) awaken by hugs from arms to whos face I do no recognize (slut) but in the end thou shall not feel and thou shall not fall and (his semen drips down his body) we're all so cleansed
2. Of Requiem And Regret
This, the story i'll never forget A frayed ending but few regrets as we walk over these gardens we once planted to the grave yard, where sweet memories lie. �
Consider this the obituary Words made beautiful with the hand of death a gift I could never give by myself �
Now, Lay my upon the alter to thee I pray Please leave me in peace to die here in the graveyard amongst these memories. �
Bury my six feet under but please tend to my grave so the memories remain The cold ground on my face, as I await to see if ever you'll unearth me and no, things will never be the same, but maybe someday we can walk this graveyard together. �
I never wanted it like this So hideous. remember those nights we'd lie and I'd stare into your eyes.� I could tell you everything you meant the world to me and that's why �
You'll always be so special to me... �
Through time I�ve been bleed dry...
"From Childhood's hour I have not been as others were I have not seen as others saw I could not take my passions from the common spring" �
The ravens circle and they sing "so sad so sad" As I fell I've become undone "So sad so sad" I crumpled as I hit the ground "so sad so sad" Those ravens picked my bones �
And now as the eulogy is read our pasts lowered into the ground these screams you cannot hear these words I have to say engraved in the granite, it reads I Apologize �
� � explanation:� That's right, I wrote a song about a relationship.� What, what!
3. I Was A 13 Year Old Masochist
Pain from pleasure. Affliction for anethesia. This physical tourture, to relieve, mental suffering.
An Addiction, spreading through society. Self - infliction, pain to get relief.
This pressures building inside my veins!
And this is the addiction that will never leave me.
Slowly, vein like rivers open up from inside my arms, dripping out and I find - RELIEF
Various emotions appease me. Finally I've learnt how to touch. FINALLY I FEEL.
Pain from pleasure.
Relief from society.
This skin I've broken,
but amI free as I bleed?
Encaged myself to solitude
With these markings on my arms.
Sweatshirts in summer
Ashamed of what I've become.
But I can't stop now,
I need the freedom of when I bleed.
Or how beautiful I feel,
when I force myself not to eat.
Like a drug,
I escape reality.
Like a drug,
life seems so less ugly.
I escape at the expense of my own body.
And now this grows, affecting every part of my life. From family, to sexuality, it's always a part
of me, this continual growing disease. It gives me this pain in my eyes, the pain in my eyes.......
As it grows and attaches itself into my soul it leads me to Hurting, to Hitting, to Cutting.
there's no stopping it, like an old friend that keeps commming back. And it's not suicide, but a
disease. Not suicide, just a disease, not suicide. Not Suicide?
Please listen:
Once it starts, it reaches deep down to your soul
and takes ofer your life.
This disease....
I can't let go.
It effects every part of my life,
it's a disease
I don't want
suicide.
Explanation: So this is a much more personal song than I've been writting in the past, so I'm opening myself up alot here in order to lend a perspective on a large but often ignored issue. For those of you that don't know, the issue is self-infliction. Self infliction is causing physical harm to yourself intentfully, like cutting, hitting, starving, even things like sleep deprivation or self induced vomiting. Alot of these things fall into other catagories like eating dissorders, or symptoms of depression. Self inflictions are reported in a large amount of people in the western world, and the numbers of people affected by them are growing. Mostly teens, but the numbers of adult cases are rising, as the nature of S-I is that it's extremelly addicting. Most people who are older (20's-40's) started at young ages and have been doing it off and on for most of their lives. S-I is not necessarily a sign of suicide. There's a wide variety of reasons why people start S-I, however most people involved don't want to die, or even contemplate killing themselves. Ok, I've given you a briefing on the info, now to get personal with y'all. S-I has been a problem I've been dealing with for years now. Hence the name "I was a 13 year old Masochist." I guess when I started it was sort of a cry for attention. After a while my parents noticed some marks on my arm (which I passed off as a attempted tattoo) and after that they made it clear I was not allowed to damage my body in such ways. Well for the most part I was too ashamed to continue any cutting for a while. Every now and then I'd slip into the old habit and make a few marks here and there. As I said before, it's exremelly addicting. It soon developed to a point in highschool, where I didn't want anybody to see the marks, I didn't want any attention from it. I was now doing it for personal satisfaction only. That is to say that the process of cutting/hitting myself would help my cope with other problems I'd be having at the time. THIS WORKED AS A VERY TEMPORARY SOLUTION. I could find relief while cutting, but would be ashamed the next day and following week until everything healed. SO somewhere along the line I found it to be a little more socially acceptable to destroy my body in other ways. I.E. - alchohol. What I discovered was that it had just about the same affect on me as S-I. An extremelly temporary solution, and an addictive one at that. While I managed to destroy a fair part of myself with that addiction for a couple years or so, but even then I'd find myself cutting or whatever in time's of extreme deppression. Fortunatly with some turns of events I cleaned myself up alot. I found some very caring people who helped alot, and was able to work out alot of the problems I had. The fact is though, the addiction is still here. I often find myself wanting to cut or hit. Sometimes there's months or even years between, but I always seem to come back to the problem. It's an extremelly unhealthy solution to whatever problems I have to deal with. And also dangerous. As time passes the need for fullfillment from S-I grows and the inflictions get larger and more risky. I'm currently working on ways to deal with these problems, both S-I and the things that cause me to revert to S-I, in a positive manner. Believe me when I say that even if you don't cause any self inflictions to your self, you probably know someone who does. When I first started talking to some of the closest people to me, I found out that alot of the people around me have been dealing with the same problems I have for years. Some of the people I would never have expected that from. If you or someone you know is engaging in this behavior, please look try to get some help. It's increadibly difficult to deal with this on your own, and just knowing that there's someone there who cares can help tremendously. I know that if you've never been engaged in this type of activity it's difficult to understand, and probably sounds like stupid teenage melodrama or cries for attention, but chances are you know someone who's affected by this and trying to understand or talk to them will help more than you could know. I consider those who were there for me, and pushed me to talk about my problems, to be some of the best friends I could ever have. I appreciate it more than most of them will ever know.
4.introduction to... 5. Nascentes Morimur
:from the moment of bieng born we die, we begin the process of dying at birth
The venting of the heat to the blistering of the skin we all still melt with the mid-day sun And as I fall out from this bubbling flesh, my bones burnt clean amoungst the grass. This sleepy, sinking feeling This mind thats grown apart From this body, so sureal The feel of what you cannot touch. It paralyzed me leaving me cold and broken. Forced to swallow, accept, forget. Swallow, accept, Forget. A couple hours to cope then turn those feelings to stone. A couple hours to cope, to make my heart grow cold. I can only cry so hard for the final hour, I can only cry so hard. The fancy dressing only mean so much to me when the proceedure has so little feeling. I just can't seem to accept the natural order of life, as it involves a fee to say goodbye. The arms that crawled out from under my skin. Arms I didn't know I had. To cling to fastly fading memories. They took a part of me as they left. Just like after every death. And I have to ask, why? - From the background - Then the screaming, from the mother To the son, in the grave. To her father To her brothers before. How many will die Until she copes, until she's relieved? Could it be that the poetry of life (that which makes us cry, but still care to create) becomes stale and withered as we pay our paychecks, along with our last respects. Or the all too busy rush to get back to our lives, our homes, our jobs, producing our goods. SILENCE! All I need is just some silence, to alleviate the pain. Not hassles and burdens. Just time, to let loose all these emotions and understand what's happening, what's happening. WHAT'S HAPPENING? Did I lose a good friend, a loved one? Or did I gain, apart of myself back through the transistion. A glimpse at mortality, and life's natural beauty. The fall wind blows the candle. As It flickered I flinched. Confined to the moment, it was all I could feel -the pain and frustration- too cought up in the cycle of social machanics (the funeral) to clear my head, to meditate. To see myself in the cylce of life. IT'S SO NATURAL TO DIE. How?- can I accept this dying? With this body- I feel no connection through these tears- I still feel no emotion Catharsis- does not come as your forgoten It's so hard- to comprehend the possibility- of being forever dead or that deaths- something to fear and not respect but I'm already dead- If I live in fear instead of death. Serenity Tranquility Through meditation- I've reached Acceptance Dance, like the mad man, dance, like the masochist, dance, like the robot, dance to your life. I bleed life, we bleed life, Eternal life I bleed life, we bleed life, Eternal life. Eternal Life. Explanation: This is just my feelings about death, how I deal with it, how our culture deals with it. There's sort of this concept that when somebody dies it can almost be a distraction from our everyday life reutines, when in fact death is the ultimate fact of life. To deal with this distraction we set aside a designated couple of hours to go and deal with death, then return to our lives. Maybe that workes for some people. I personaly think funerals can be very beautiful things when someone can be remembered for what they contributed in life. But the concept of paying a large sum of money and saying goodbye in an hour or two just reminds me too much of our drive through culture. The rest of the song is just how I've found more personal ways of accepting death.
documented by Ben @ the Crossover House on June 1+2