lyrics

Alive!

Alive: As I opened my eyes this morning the feeling of being alive overwhelmed me and as the cold sweat rolled from my skin from the night I walked with tears in my eyes and now born anew wake up wake up breath fire the first thing my new eyes saw I saw everything as possible It was life today that embraced me that cradled my head, even as I slept that lent a vibrancy to old cold eyes AND I SAW THE WORLD AS MINE if only for a moment everything was possible

Anthem for the Kids

A belief, molded through fear and brains, displayed, on the blab box, brainwash
For every child that can't get to sleep, that needs their parents to say it'll be ok
They're afraid of what might happen to them
Insomniac at ten, confused as everyday threatens to take their innocence away
DON'T GIVE IN

We've been forced to grow up to fast
Derailing cause we're pushing to hard for success
What's a kid supposed to do when she finds,
If she don't make the cut she'll get left behind

Growth serum / Results Results Results
Mechanize, desensitize / Put out Put out Put out
Glamorize the minds that survive the frying
Push the rest harder before they stop trying

Institutionalized mind assembly line leads to mass production of an unhealthy product
Institutionalized mind assembly line leads to mass production of an unhealthy product?

An educational system not based on reason. If you can memorize it, why think it? Comprehension isn't needed when implanting facts and figures. Do well on the SAT's; make it look good for the school district. It's all about results results results.

Growth serum / Results Results Results
Mechanize, desensitize / Put out Put out Put out
Glamorize the minds that survive the frying.
Push the rest harder before they stop trying.

Results Results Results

Explanation: This song represents my view of our school system, how the institution itself seems to be competing with it's self. When you attend classes it doesn't seem to be about teaching kids skills or trades, or even how to learn better later in their life. It seems to have the primary focus of teaching tidbits of knowledge, trivia answers almost. A district seems most successful when the kids can name obscure statistics, but the concept of understanding the statistics and what they mean seem lost. Secondly this song is about the obscene pressure put on kids to do well in school. The ideology forced to them from day one is get good grades so you can get a good job, and get a good job so you can make lots of money, and that money is in fact the only true goal in life. Of course a side note to this is in order to do well in school one cannot spend too much time wondering about the significance of a lesson, or even the truthfulness. In order to do well one must be absolutely committed to spewing out whatever bullshit the teachers want in exchange for good grades.

Conformity of Decay

Given up and now dead on the ground
-Did I even have a choice?
Done before your even 18
-Silently slaughtered with no voice
Failure!
-You've been wearing me down since day one, you thought you could conform me now I'm dying with symptoms from your disease

Everyone gets a little sad sometimes.
-I've been wanting to end it all for years.
All you need is to take a couple of these pills.
-And what will I get?
Happiness!
-Wrong, my mind will still be dead, and then my thoughts will just be another division of your head.

Feeling lonely, you shut your friends out. Crawl in a corner just to get out of you life.
Everything seems so inconsequential when you shy away from those trying to reach you.

I can't remember, a non-medicinal happiness.
And I don't want to remember, a non-medicinal unhappiness.

The ball is rolling with problems growing everyday. Senseless hands that weigh down on your chest.
The weight grows stronger as you push everyone away, embrace any feelings you can get.

TAKE YOUR PILLS?

Was there ever a chance to find your mind through the cobwebs draped in an overcast life. Expected to put out rational emotions as your life's been robotisized. A quick fix solution to a society that's been made sick from the start. A mindless drone or depressed and alone, condemned to your coffin either way.

We won't cure this mental disease, until we fix society
We won't cure this mental disease, until we fix society

Explanation: This was originally written with the idea of critising the idea of a prescription pill solution to such problems/diseases as deppression, hyper activity, bi-polar dissorder. What I saw was that there is an overwhelming alot of people on these drugs, especially kids. It's a widely accepted and growing solution to dealing with mental problems that a large percent of the population deals with on a day to day basis. The problem? It's become such an acceptable solution that many people are being prescribed these medications to simply get a quick fix solution. Just because a kid is hyper in a classroom doesn't mean that the kid has a mental dissorder, kids are just, well, hyper alot of the time. It's the responsibility of the teachers and parents to find ways to deal with kids like this. But in our fast paced way of living nobody has time to sit down and help a kid learn how to concentrate. So medication is prescribed in order to calm the kid down. In the process of doing this, a major controversy has sparked up. That is, does putting people on these drugs change them? Does it alter their personality? Does ritalin destroy the creativness of a person? Is a person's overwhelming creativness the reason why they're put on ritalin in the first place? I'm not trying to dictate and right or wrong answers here. I'm not on any medications so I have no first hand expieriances to go along with this. I have however talked to a number of people, and have gotten a variety of answers. Some say drugs help them concentrate, some are only on drugs because they're parents make them. Perhaps the most upsetting answer is when the person doesn't even know what or why they're on the medication for. Or simply respond that it's supposed to help them do better in school, but have no clue if it's working or not because they've been on it too long and can't remember what it's like not to be on medication. I've also found positive affects of medication though. Recently someone who is very close to me was prescribed some pills due to some severe deppression that she was suffering from for years. Haveing seen this person and dealt with this person for most of my life, I can honestly say that what she is taking seems to be helping her alot. To sum this up, the problem as I see it is that although medications may help some people, it's become a quick fix solution to a sick society. Certainly enviroment plays a major impact on the mental health of people. And given our surroundings it's not hard to understand why so many people would be mantally unhealthy. Our world consists of a fast paced work week, contant pressure from all fronts - school, work, family,ect. - or simple things like the lack of time to ourselves or the lack of nature in our lives (we've paved over just about everything). Some people honestly need medication, but the sheer numbers of people on medication shows that we're dolling out an impersonal quick fix to a large amount of people, and that there's obviously a much deeper problem, rooted in our lifestyles that needs solving before we can truly hope to fix anything.

Destroy the Monster and Build Something New

A fire burning bright is used for many things, it's used to fuel the machine, consumption fuels destruction

GRIND-GRIND-GRIND: the sound of progress, the sound of the machine
PUFF-PUFF-PUFF: the black smoke hits the sky as we PUSH-PUSH-PUSH to a bright new day

DESTROY!
PRODUCE!
CONSUME!
TOTAL DESTRUCTION!

GRIND-GRIND-GRIND CHUG-CHUG-CHUG PUFF-PUFF-PUFF
So this fucking machine is what we call "progress"!? It feeds off the life of everything inside us all is still a light a flicker of fire swells into a raging flame!
BURN! BURN! BURN! BURN!
the fuel can destroy the machine it used to feed this fire can burn the world to the ground and in it's wake we'll build something new, from it's dying embers build a place not made to CONSUME!
BURN! BURN! BURN! BURN! BURN! BURN! BURN! BURN!

Explanation: When writing the lyrics, I imagined this big machine representing progress rolling over the earth, ripping trees from their roots, grinding up animals and everything alive, and just spitting out shrink wrapped ground chuck and junk mail. Everything is prepackaged in the world we live in, and I would give up all conveniences I have just to live like I'm actually a fucking animal and part of nature for a change. We're all on kind of on a very nihilistic path of consumption, and this is just kind of my fantasy of stoping it.

the EMANCIPATION ITCH

Oh, no, no, NO! You�re not fighting a war, this is petty! And I�m sick of it... Oh no, no, there is a way out, and I can see it from here, I�m not tired enough to give in
I�ve got an itch that just gottsta be scratched!
is this what it comes down to? this stinking pile of your shit! and the options are: to stay among living dead (among caged desires like song birds and burned by all the words, all the words these zombies couldn't jump to save their lives!) or to break through the ice and wander in the unknown to jump and grab at what's waiting beyond the shackles is our life
Well if I had a match, I'd burn all the egodown, light your fuel-drool vile spittle, a path of flames straight to your bloated brain consider yourself warned, don't breathe around me
So scratch, let�s scraatch, I fucking SCRATCH MY EMANCIPATION ITCH

FULL BODY COLLAPSE

�My eyes are finally open I'm seeing everyone for what they really are and I'm leaving
As the sun begins to set I once again find myself losing sight, my eyes drowning in depths of growing darkness
� But as I know life this sun will again rise these cuts will heal these scars will fade
� touch life
feel life
breath life
bleed life
� And as another body falls another weight down upon the souls of the living.� Well I been like this, I don't want to be like this.� I've been like this, I don't have to be like this.

� explanation: it's about giving in to everything.� Realizing you have so little control that to fight the flow of life will only leave you exhausted.� How I often find myself trying to fight realities of life, constantly fighting a impossible battle and being left lifeless because of it.� This isn't to be interpreted as don't fight for what you believe in, it's to say that I often find myself acting in ways I don't believe are good or healthy or provide ways to grow.� But I stick to these behaviors because I've grown comfortable in them, so even though I know I'm doing something harmfull to myself I consent because it's easy.� This is about growing past being comfortable and giving in to wherever that takes me.

� Hospitalistic Children/Exterminating Angel

"Do you hear the din of the beating heart? Come closer beloved, I infect you." the pace kept up we race to the edge of town a world built up, now a world lead to burn we can burn down god we can burn down man an eternal fire of frantic desire and breakbeat pulses the past is dead we are here now so listen! the din the beat we race to stop and be! for this moment we ARE, completely, the infection spreads and nothing is regretted Do you hear it? This is now, we have no where else to be, this is it, let?s live NOW!

Explanation: Excuses are used way to much, most of all to rationalize inaction. We all really have NO EXCUSES, so let's go make good on all the promises we made RIGHT NOW. By the end of high school all teenagers are supposed to only think of the future and start planning and building for a life that will always be incomplete (I have a college degree now i need a job, i have a job now i need a wife,i have a wife now i need a house, i have a house now i need some kids, etc. untill death). That's shit. Life is happenning now, it will not happen a second time, so let's stop and LIVE.

If this is Punk, I Want Nothing to Do With It

My head hangs heavy with the weight of today!

The ground I till is healthy but still I find, everything growing to be fake. And the well from which I first sipped, now seems more dirty than deep. And every night as I lay down, I can hear the locusts coming in my sleep.

The light's faded from my eyes. My pupils growing into dark pits into my mind. So stick your fingers in and pry, be sure to fix, any problems you might find. Like why I get so sad sometimes, I should be happy with these dark pits instead of eyes.

From this room I hear screaming. Out the window howling Sirens below. But from this bed I'm left dreaming, molding to furniture, time passes on.

This goes to:
The cardboard cut out, to whom I manifest all my hate. He says he wants to save the world, but he's never grown past novelty. How can he listen to reason, he's half an inch thick. His only message, is painted on him.

Justification to alienation.
Gotta know who's who, whom I, you, who?
Give everyone a classification.
Now I know who, but I don't know you.
SHUTUP! Shutup, stop the fuckin' commentary, I've had about enough, of you telling me who I am who you are. A description from your nametag to fit into your scene, well, you've cheapened everything, with words.

YOU'RE JUST AN EXTENSION OF YOUR NAMETAG!

You don't even know who you are. A positive message just to fit in, but don't act upon it without the okay from the scene. It's pathetic how weak you are. One day maybe you'll gain the strength to break out. One day maybe you'll disregard the nametags.

Explanation: This is mainly about all the scene division around the area. Everyone seems to know each other, see each other at shows, preach the same messages and such, but the concept of working together always seems to elude the majority of these people. There's this constant message of unity, but when it comes down to the hardcore kids working with the pop-punk kids it seems nobody cares about it anymore. This of course doesn't mean there are no exceptions; I see a lot of positive action being taken also, but not nearly enough. We need to get over these things. The well to do suburban kids should go talk to the "weird crusties and guys with tattoo's on their faces" before assuming things about them. And the Riverwest / Southside folks might try stopping by a show in the suburbs sometime to see what the kids there are doing, they'd probably be impressed. Once again, there are exceptions and a lot of positive people out there, congratulations to you; you've been a major inspiration to me.

I Was A Thirteen Year Old Masochist

Pain from pleasure. Affliction for anethesia. This physical tourture, to relieve, mental suffering.
An Addiction, spreading through society. Self - infliction, pain to get relief.
This pressures building inside my veins!
And this is the addiction that will never leave me.
Slowly, vein like rivers open up from inside my arms, dripping out and I find - RELIEF
Various emotions appease me. Finally I've learnt how to touch. FINALLY I FEEL.
Pain from pleasure.
Relief from society.
This skin I've broken,
but amI free as I bleed?
Encaged myself to solitude
With these markings on my arms.
Sweatshirts in summer
Ashamed of what I've become.
But I can't stop now,
I need the freedom of when I bleed.
Or how beautiful I feel,
when I force myself not to eat.
Like a drug,
I escape reality.
Like a drug,
life seems so less ugly.
I escape at the expense of my own body.
And now this grows, affecting every part of my life. From family, to sexuality, it's always a part
of me, this continual growing disease. It gives me this pain in my eyes, the pain in my eyes.......
As it grows and attaches itself into my soul it leads me to Hurting, to Hitting, to Cutting.
there's no stopping it, like an old friend that keeps commming back. And it's not suicide, but a
disease. Not suicide, just a disease, not suicide. Not Suicide?
Please listen:
Once it starts, it reaches deep down to your soul
and takes ofer your life.
This disease....
I can't let go.
It effects every part of my life,
it's a disease
I don't want
suicide.

Explanation: So this is a much more personal song than I've been writting in the past, so I'm opening myself up alot here in order to lend a perspective on a large but often ignored issue. For those of you that don't know, the issue is self-infliction. Self infliction is causing physical harm to yourself intentfully, like cutting, hitting, starving, even things like sleep deprivation or self induced vomiting. Alot of these things fall into other catagories like eating dissorders, or symptoms of depression. Self inflictions are reported in a large amount of people in the western world, and the numbers of people affected by them are growing. Mostly teens, but the numbers of adult cases are rising, as the nature of S-I is that it's extremelly addicting. Most people who are older (20's-40's) started at young ages and have been doing it off and on for most of their lives. S-I is not necessarily a sign of suicide. There's a wide variety of reasons why people start S-I, however most people involved don't want to die, or even contemplate killing themselves. Ok, I've given you a briefing on the info, now to get personal with y'all. S-I has been a problem I've been dealing with for years now. Hence the name "I was a 13 year old Masochist." I guess when I started it was sort of a cry for attention. After a while my parents noticed some marks on my arm (which I passed off as a attempted tattoo) and after that they made it clear I was not allowed to damage my body in such ways. Well for the most part I was too ashamed to continue any cutting for a while. Every now and then I'd slip into the old habit and make a few marks here and there. As I said before, it's exremelly addicting. It soon developed to a point in highschool, where I didn't want anybody to see the marks, I didn't want any attention from it. I was now doing it for personal satisfaction only. That is to say that the process of cutting/hitting myself would help my cope with other problems I'd be having at the time. THIS WORKED AS A VERY TEMPORARY SOLUTION. I could find relief while cutting, but would be ashamed the next day and following week until everything healed. SO somewhere along the line I found it to be a little more socially acceptable to destroy my body in other ways. I.E. - alchohol. What I discovered was that it had just about the same affect on me as S-I. An extremelly temporary solution, and an addictive one at that. While I managed to destroy a fair part of myself with that addiction for a couple years or so, but even then I'd find myself cutting or whatever in time's of extreme deppression. Fortunatly with some turns of events I cleaned myself up alot. I found some very caring people who helped alot, and was able to work out alot of the problems I had. The fact is though, the addiction is still here. I often find myself wanting to cut or hit. Sometimes there's months or even years between, but I always seem to come back to the problem. It's an extremelly unhealthy solution to whatever problems I have to deal with. And also dangerous. As time passes the need for fullfillment from S-I grows and the inflictions get larger and more risky. I'm currently working on ways to deal with these problems, both S-I and the things that cause me to revert to S-I, in a positive manner. Believe me when I say that even if you don't cause any self inflictions to your self, you probably know someone who does. When I first started talking to some of the closest people to me, I found out that alot of the people around me have been dealing with the same problems I have for years. Some of the people I would never have expected that from. If you or someone you know is engaging in this behavior, please look try to get some help. It's increadibly difficult to deal with this on your own, and just knowing that there's someone there who cares can help tremendously. I know that if you've never been engaged in this type of activity it's difficult to understand, and probably sounds like stupid teenage melodrama or cries for attention, but chances are you know someone who's affected by this and trying to understand or talk to them will help more than you could know. I consider those who were there for me, and pushed me to talk about my problems, to be some of the best friends I could ever have. I appreciate it more than most of them will ever know.
here are some links dealing with this issue:1, 2, 3, 4

I Wither As You Rot

Hold Back (pant, pant) here, agift for those of you who can gaze into my eyes I'll show you the holes in my flesh where I pulled off the remaining flaps of skin exposing only nerve and bone (ignore the moans) NOW THIS (rubs his chest) It's where I peirced myself with wires i did it to feel the current better now the elements leave me chilled (requests hugs for warmth, but prays for kissess) here, take this needle, take this thread try to stitch my seams together again (sexual organs aroused by touch) do it well for at night I lie awake unraveling In deep silence I still feel your touch, fingers across scar tissue and smiles (was it good for you?) awaken by hugs from arms to whos face I do no recognize (slut) but in the end thou shall not feel and thou shall not fall and (his semen drips down his body) we're all so cleansed

Of Requiem and Regret

This, the story i'll never forget A frayed ending but few regrets as we walk over these gardens we once planted to the grave yard, where sweet memories lie. �

Consider this the obituary Words made beautiful with the hand of death a gift I could never give by myself �

Now, Lay my upon the alter to thee I pray Please leave me in peace to die here in the graveyard amongst these memories. �

Bury my six feet under but please tend to my grave so the memories remain The cold ground on my face, as I await to see if ever you'll unearth me and no, things will never be the same, but maybe someday we can walk this graveyard together. �

I never wanted it like this So hideous. remember those nights we'd lie and I'd stare into your eyes.� I could tell you everything you meant the world to me and that's why �

You'll always be so special to me... �

Through time I�ve been bleed dry...

"From Childhood's hour I have not been as others were I have not seen as others saw I could not take my passions from the common spring" �

The ravens circle and they sing "so sad so sad" As I fell I've become undone "So sad so sad" I crumpled as I hit the ground "so sad so sad" Those ravens picked my bones �

And now as the eulogy is read our pasts lowered into the ground these screams you cannot hear these words I have to say engraved in the granite, it reads I Apologize �

� � explanation:� That's right, I wrote a song about a relationship.� What, what!

Nascentes Morimur :from the moment of bieng born we die, we begin the process of dying at birth

The venting of the heat to the blistering of the skin we all still melt with the mid-day sun And as I fall out from this bubbling flesh, my bones burnt clean amoungst the grass.

This sleepy, sinking feeling This mind thats grown apart From this body, so sureal The feel of what you cannot touch.

It paralyzed me leaving me cold and broken. Forced to swallow, accept, forget. Swallow, accept, Forget.

A couple hours to cope then turn those feelings to stone. A couple hours to cope, to make my heart grow cold. I can only cry so hard for the final hour, I can only cry so hard. The fancy dressing only mean so much to me when the proceedure has so little feeling.

I just can't seem to accept the natural order of life, as it involves a fee to say goodbye. The arms that crawled out from under my skin. Arms I didn't know I had. To cling to fastly fading memories. They took a part of me as they left. Just like after every death. And I have to ask, why?

- From the background - Then the screaming, from the mother To the son, in the grave. To her father To her brothers before. How many will die Until she copes, until she's relieved?

Could it be that the poetry of life (that which makes us cry, but still care to create) becomes stale and withered as we pay our paychecks, along with our last respects. Or the all too busy rush to get back to our lives, our homes, our jobs, producing our goods.

SILENCE! All I need is just some silence, to alleviate the pain. Not hassles and burdens. Just time, to let loose all these emotions and understand what's happening, what's happening. WHAT'S HAPPENING? Did I lose a good friend, a loved one? Or did I gain, apart of myself back through the transistion. A glimpse at mortality, and life's natural beauty. The fall wind blows the candle. As It flickered I flinched. Confined to the moment, it was all I could feel -the pain and frustration- too cought up in the cycle of social machanics (the funeral) to clear my head, to meditate. To see myself in the cylce of life. IT'S SO NATURAL TO DIE.

How?- can I accept this dying? With this body- I feel no connection through these tears- I still feel no emotion Catharsis- does not come as your forgoten

It's so hard- to comprehend the possibility- of being forever dead or that deaths- something to fear and not respect but I'm already dead- If I live in fear instead of death.

Serenity Tranquility Through meditation- I've reached Acceptance

Dance, like the mad man, dance, like the masochist, dance, like the robot, dance to your life. I bleed life, we bleed life, Eternal life I bleed life, we bleed life, Eternal life. Eternal Life.

Explanation: This is just my feelings about death, how I deal with it, how our culture deals with it. There's sort of this concept that when somebody dies it can almost be a distraction from our everyday life reutines, when in fact death is the ultimate fact of life. To deal with this distraction we set aside a designated couple of hours to go and deal with death, then return to our lives. Maybe that workes for some people. I personaly think funerals can be very beautiful things when someone can be remembered for what they contributed in life. But the concept of paying a large sum of money and saying goodbye in an hour or two just reminds me too much of our drive through culture. The rest of the song is just how I've found more personal ways of accepting death.

� 2000 [email protected]