THE SCRUFF

The door of the Pakora Arms swung shut wae a click, leavin Big Malky and his wee mate Billy swayin oan the pavement.

"Ach bliddy pubs should be open aw night Billy," said Malky

"Aye rats a fact right enuff," mumbled Billy as he searched his pockets for a dout. "Ah don't know how you managed tae get sae drunk anyway big man as we baith had the same."

"Well mind me and Boaby went tae the lavvy late oan?" Malky grinned. "Well

he had a boatle of Buckie and we battered it doon."

"Oh ya hoachy messon, never shared wae me ataw," said Billy aw huffy.

"Ach it wiz his so ah didnae like tae ask" said Malky.

"He is no fae roon here that Boaby is he" asked Billy, as they started wanderin doon the street.

"Naw he is fae Paisley ah hink, used tae be a mate o that Rab bloke, mind him?" Malky said.

"Aye that bampot that fell asleep in the phonebox that time and naebody culd get in and then when they finally got him oot he was mumblin about waitin on a call fae Texas or Cyprus or somewhere?"

"That's him right enough" said Malky. " Ah heard he went tae Embra or the Bar-L. Wan or the other."

"Haud oan a sec I am gonny nip up this close furra slash," said Malky

"Awrite ah'll jist have a wee smoke. Rerr wee lighter ah knocked aff that punter next tae us at the bar." Billy smiled. "Ah wish ah hud goat his fags tae."

Next thing Billy heard was a helluva commotion and Malky came runnin oot the close.

"Whits up??" cried Billy

"Ach was an auld gaffer shouted he was gonny call the polis. So ah kicked his door in. We better dae a disappearin act anyway."

They made a few corners and ended up on Vindaloo Street.

"Oh what dae we have here?" said Billy. "It's wee Jason McSween so it is!

Haw Jase son. Howzit gaun anat?" said Billy aw forced friendly like.

"Oh hello Billy ..and Malky..all is OK with me," Jason said nervously as he looked at these two eejits standin before him. One who could hardly stand and who looked at him with redrimmed piglike eyes and the other, hard as nails wae a plukey face.

"How's wee Kylie dain..? Tell her ah was askin fur hur," said Billy.

"Oh she is fine and I will do that," said Jason, desperate tae get away fae these two. They seemed to be friendly enough this time but he knew from past experience they wid stick the nut on ye as soon as look at ye.

"What's in yer wee carrier bag there son? Widnae be a wee kerry oot wid it?" leered Malky.

"Aye it's just a couple of cans and a screwtap for ma da," replied Jason.

"Ye can spare yer pals the screwtap sure ye can, kint ye Jason pal?" said Billy.

"Oh aye. Nae bother. Ma pleasure.." stammered Jason. "Here ye are, but ah have to go now. See you later."

Jason hurried off.. no runnin but nearly.

The residents of Vindaloo Street gave a collective sigh of relief as Billy and Malky made their unsteady wae to the corner and with a crash of broken glass as the now empty screwtap was chipped intae the middle of the road, the faint refrains of oh oH OH it's Magic! Nevur believe s'not so! echoed up the darkened streets and they were at last gone.....

NEXT DAY

BILLY

Billy Murty was beilin. His big mate Malky was in the jail and he had nae dosh and nae fags and was bored tae tears.

He had seen that wee Deirdre Graham again and had fallen in love.

He minded bein in same class as her at school and sendin her wee notes..which she kept sendin back sayin she couldnae read his writin. Snotty burd then so she wis, but now she was a stoater and Billy was gonny get her. Of that he wis sure..

So he scrubbed his plukes and pit oan his best..(only), suit and was gonny get her. Nae borra..

He was aff tae see Tam McSween tae see if he wid buy a telly that he had only lifted, aff the back ay a lorry, the night before. Dead cheap and it wid gie him some walkin around money fur Deirdre if Tam the Bam came thru and Billy was sure he wid.

Tam was dozin oan the chair when the knock came at the door. Kylie went tae answer it and he could hear her talkin tae somebody.

"Bliddy hell," he thought... "Can ye no even have a wee nap?"

"Who is it?" he shouted.

"It's Billy Murty da," answered Kylie. "He's here wae a telly."

"Oh aye? Is it a good wan?" shouted Tam.

"Here speak tae him yersel, ah'm gaun oot," sez Kylie.

Billy appears in the kitchen luggin a big 32" Toshiba. "Rerr deal here Tam.. Warranty an aw. If it disnae work ah knock ye another.." grinned Billy.

"Much ye wantin then Billy?" said Tam as he eyed up this admittedly smashin telly.

"A hunner?" ventured Billy..

"Aye muff!" says Tam. "Ah gie ye 40 quid..cash..ye on then?"

Billy was knackered humfin this bliddy telly up and doon stairs and was desperate, so says "aye ok... 45? " Nae answer wis the reply so Billy dis the white man and sez "Aye ok Tam, ye gorra deal, but next time ah get a case ay Single Malt yer no quoted."

40 quid passes hands and Billy heads off tae chat up his wet dream Deirdre...

Deirdre was on her Tod. She looked at hersel in mirror and thought, whit the hell ye dain here hen? Yer still a stoatin lookin lassie and yer only 22..wae weans, but there is mair tae life than this. How can a Brad Pitt no come and sweep ye aff yer feet..

Just then she heard the door..

She gave her hair a quick brush then opened it tae find...Billy Murty! Durty Murty she used tae call him and tried tae avoid meetin him when oot shopping. Noo he was at her door!

"Hullawrerr Deirdre..ah was just passin by and ah thought ah wid say a wee hello anat," sez the bold Billy.

"Gawd!" thought Deirdre, "here is me dreamin of Brad and what dae ah get..the PITS!"

Billy gave one of his ..tae him..irresistible smiles..and said "Ye fancy a wee swally doon at McNastys hen? Ah'm buyin.."

Och well, Deirdre figured. At least its a wee night oot fae ra weans.

"OK haud oan then and ah get a babysitter Billy. Yer lookin no badly the night ye know.. Well no as bad as ye normally dae!.. Just kiddin ye! Just kiddin ye!"

Billy preened and dabbed at a daud of pus flowin fae wan bad pluke on his chin...

Aye she is no daft this burd .. she knows a good hing when she sees wan...

And so the saga of Deirdre and Billy begins........