Thailand

On Wednesday 16th January we leave Malaysia on a minibus heading for Thailand. On arrival at the border our driver charges us the princely sum of one Ringit (about 25 cents) for him to negotiate passport control on our behalf. And so we've arrived in Thailand. Our plan for the next couple of months is to spend a couple of weeks in southern Thailand at the beaches, race north through Bangkok and spend a couple more weeks up north. From there we'll cross the border to Laos, passing south through Laos and eventually back into Thailand to Bangkok.

The South

The roads in Thailand are noticeably poorer than those in Malaysia, so I'm hoping the same won't happen to the standard of our accommodation. I needn't have worried though. We arrive in Krabi on the west coast late in the afternoon and make our way to Ao Nang beach where our room in the "Sea Beer" guesthouse is the nicest we've had in Asia so far.

Ao Nang is very pretty, with a rocky headland at our end of the beach and limestone outcrops a few hundred yards out into the sea. The nearby Railley Beach, reachable only by a 10 minute boat trip, is even more beautiful. It's a smaller beach, with headlands towering over it at both ends, and although it's quieter I think it would have been much nicer to stay there.

We enjoy a few nice meals, trying such Thai classics as red and green curries and pad thai in the first couple of days. Over meals we also examine the Thai phrasebooks we�ve bought in the hope of learning a bit of the language. Conor�s book seems not bad, but mine is hopeless. A lot of obvious words and phrases are missing, but it does contain such gems as �nuclear missile� and �military coup�. Thai is a great language though, as to be polite, men say �krap� at the end of a sentence. So �hello� is �sawasdee krap� and �thank-you� is �kawp khun krap�. Sadly, I�d say there�s little chance of me learning any more than these two phrases over the next few weeks!

After a couple of days in Krabi I�ve had enough of the place and decide to press on. Conor, on the other hand, is quite taken by hanging out at the newly opened O�Malley�s Irish Pub, basically just a wooden shack, and decides to stay on longer in order to help make it more Irish.

On Saturday I take the fast boat to Koh Phi Phi. It takes 4 hours, so I'd hate to have been on the slow boat! My first impression of Phi Phi is that I'm going to like it. The main town is a maze of narrow "streets", just wide enough for a motorbike and sidecar, and this is the only motorised transport on the whole island, apart from the boat. The town stands in a narrow piece of land connecting the two main parts of the island, with a bay and a beach on either side. The beach on the north side is set in a beautiful bay, and I while away most of the afternoon there.

In the morning I'm up early to try to move into a cheaper and more friendly guesthouse - as I'd heard scare stories about the lack of accommodation on the island I wasn't too fussy when I first arrived. I move into a 16-bed dorm in the Rock Backpackers and meet a couple of guys who have been staying there around a month. I don't imagine I'll be here this long! Over the course of the day it becomes apparent that life is going to be anything but dull. Firstly, there's some excitement in the afternoon as a Norwegian girl recovers after being hit in the head and leg by a boat while snorkelling. Then, in the middle of the night there's a bit of commotion when one of the guys makes it back to the dorm, but is too drunk to find his bed and falls asleep on the floor. It takes 4 of the guys to lift him into his bed - why they didn't just leave him on the floor I'll never know.

Next day I'm off on a boat trip around the islands. There are 7 of us on a wooden longtail boat, and we leave the main island (Phi Phi Don) and head south to the uninhabited Phi Phi Ley. The steep rocky island is stunning, towering above the boat as we make our way round to Phi Ley Bay, where the film "The Beach" was set. It's certainly beautiful, and only slightly spoiled by the hordes of tourists. Over lunch on the other side of the island I get chatting to Brad and Rob who are from Australia. It's good to meet some Aussies, as we didn't meet any in Australia!

After lunch we leave Phi Phi Ley for Bamboo Island. After the gentle seas of the morning, I'm surprised to discover choppy seas on this journey, and our boat gets tossed around rather too much for my liking. It becomes a white knuckle ride for me, and the lads are amused when I relinquish my grip for a second to grab a lifejacket. When we finally arrive, Bamboo Island is a bit of a letdown compared to Phi Phi Ley, and I'm a little preoccupied thinking about having to get back into the boat. Perhaps I could just camp out here for a few days? However, as we're going with the waves this time, the trip home is a little less scary, and we make it back to dry land in one piece.

In the evening, Conor (who arrived in the afternoon) and I head out to meet Brad and Rob, and we catch a few bouts of Thai Boxing in the Reggae Bar, before making our way to Carlitos, the place (as the adverts around town say) "where the sun shines up your ass"!

I'm not sure what time we get back to The Rock, but in the morning one of the girls tells us that she got back at 3:30am to find the dorm completely empty. There don't seem to be any lightweights here at the moment!

We remember that while in the bar last night, we arranged a triangular volleyball tournament for this afternoon - Celtic Nations (me and Conor) v Australia (Brad and Rob) v Holland (some Dutch guys we were chatting with). Conor and I walk to the chosen spot on Long Beach, about half an hour from where we're staying, but our journey is in vain as our opponents don't show up. Scared of us obviously.

Back at The Rock I get chatting to John, who was the guy who fell asleep on the floor the other night. He tells me that he repeated the performance last night, except that instead of mistaking the floor for his bed, he tried to get in to the wrong bed. The occupant - a Swedish girl called Hannah - hasn't spoken to him all day!

Despite being a Man Utd fan, John is alright, and along with another English guy Paul, we head out to the Apache Bar. John introduces us to the "bucket", the source of his problems the last couple of nights. A bucket, about the size you'd make a sandcastle with, is filled with a half bottle of Thai whisky, a bottle of red bull, and coke. I'm sure they're supposed to be shared, but we order one each. A couple of Swedish girls come over to talk to us, and John decides to go up dancing with them. Before doing so, looking for a bit of Dutch courage, he grabs a straw and downs half his bucket in one go. About a minute later he almost falls over on the dance floor, and the girls have to carry him back to the table. He then falls off his stool and falls asleep on the floor, where he remains for most of the evening. Having seen this performance, Conor and I are so ultra-careful with our buckets that we barely even get drunk!

Bizarrely, as John is lying comatose on the floor, one of the girls goes under the table and starts kissing him. When we comment on this strange behaviour, she replies "I prefer kissing guys who are unconscious, as they won't come chasing me later"!

We try to wake him up when we leave the bar, but without success, so we decide to carry him home. He's so heavy that we only make it about 50 yards before giving up, and we end up leaving him at the side of the path after removing his wallet for safe-keeping. Passers-by stop to take his photo, and he'll probably be recognised around town over the next few days. Celebrity status indeed.

In Phi Phi, most of the restaurants show films during the evening, and so we tend to choose our restaurant not by the menu, but by the film schedule. Since we've both just been to the place it was filmed, Conor and I go to watch The Beach while eating dinner on Wednesday. Sitting next to us there are two Swedish girls (there are potentially more blondes on Phi Phi than there are in Stockholm). These girls are the first people on the trip who we have seen in three different countries. We last saw them in Penang in Malaysia, where I pointed them out to Conor, remembering that he had chatted with them in New Zealand. That night he didn't speak to them, and he doesn't say hello tonight either. Later on that night they appear in our hostel to see some of our Swedish dorm-mates, and a bunch of us head down to Carlitos. I ask the girls if they remember Conor from NZ, but they don't. Not so good for his ego!

Also with us in Carlitos is an Aussie called Simon. He tells me that he's dying to go up dancing. When I say that I don't fancy the music, he says "Neither do I, but I tend to just shut out the music when I'm dancing". Off he goes onto the dance-floor, and strangely enough he's one of the worst dancers I've ever seen.

On Friday it's time to leave Koh Phi Phi and head for Koh Phangan in time for the full moon party on Monday night. It's a full day trip, with a boat back to Krabi on the mainland, a bus to the east side of the peninsula, and a boat to Koh Phangan via Koh Samui. Among those on the trip with us are Mike and Neil, a couple of maple-leafers. We've got into the habit of using this term for Canadians in reference to the fact that 99% of them have their national flag stitched to their rucksacks, compared to about 1% of any other nationality. They were also staying in The Rock, and are on their way to their third full moon party in a row. Mike is keen to leave the beaches and head north to do some trekking, but in a recent drunken moment on the islands, his shoes were stolen, and as he has size 14 feet he is having trouble replacing them.

Contrary to previous advice we've received to stay on a quieter part of the island, the guys are heading for Haad Rin, site of the full moon party. We follow them into the heart of the action.

On this first night we relax a bit while checking out the nightlife, which is a series of bars along Sunrise Beach. The bars spill out onto the beach, with tables and seating on rugs and bamboo mats. We won't be coming swimming here in a hurry, what with the number of blokes peeing into the sea!

We meet up with Antti, our Finnish friend from Penang. Antii is quite a small, skinny guy, but has one of the deepest voices I've ever heard. He talks English with a very affected Finnish accent, and so is great fun to listen to, quite apart from being a nice guy!

The next few days follow such a similar pattern that thoughts of Groundhog Day come to mind. We eat almost every meal in the Moon Dolphin restaurant, which is also the reception for our "resort". Ham omelette for breakfast, club sandwich for lunch, pasta for dinner (there's a distinct lack of Thai food in my diet here). Watch a film or some footy, meet up with Antti, and head down to the beach around 10pm. Bump into Mike and Neil on the beach at least once (even on full moon night, with 8000 people on the beach, we meet them). Everyone is in friendly mood, so it's easy to just get chatting to people, especially with Conor using that famous Cork chat-up line "Howrye!" to good effect.

Full moon night itself is just a bigger version of the nights preceding it. More people, fireworks, more blokes peeing in the sea. Although there are (supposedly) famous DJs spinning tunes at different parts of the beach, we don't do any dancing, but just "hang out", chatting to people and generally enjoying ourselves.

With the party still going strong I head off to bed at 6am , only to wake up at 7:30 and I don't manage to get any more sleep all day. Those vodka red bulls have a lot to answer for.

Another day later we leave Koh Phangan. This is perhaps not the best of plans as it seems like most people have the same idea, and the narrow pier is very crowded. It takes the boat two hours to get to the island of Koh Tao, a quieter island, for a chance to recover from the excesses of the last few days. Everything on Koh Tao is orientated around diving, and Conor takes the chance to try an introductory dive. For me, it's a good place to relax for a couple of days, with its chilled-out restaurants and bars.

On Friday it's time to leave the beaches of the south behind us. The boat from Koh Tao takes us to Chumporn on the mainland. On the way up river to the dock, we pass a long stretch of wooden houses on stilts, with lots of brightly painted fishing boats tied up alongside. With the fishermen unloading the day's catch, it makes a rather colourful scene.

From Chumporn we catch an overnight train to Bangkok.

Bangkok

We arrive in Bangkok at about 7am and jump in a tuk-tuk, a motorised three-wheeled rickshaw, to take us to the main travellers accommodation area - the Khao San Road. We've read a number of comments recently advising not to stay there because it's so noisy, hotels are dirty and cramped, etc, but as most people seem to stay there it seems to be the place to be. Because we're worried about the standard of accommodation, we decide to splash out a little, and get a basic en-suite room for about 360 Baht (about $8.50).

We split up to explore Bangkok, and I discover it's a huge city with only a few sites of interest scattered around. Once you get away from these places, it's unusual to see a tourist. I end up at Siam Square, a big shopping area beside a university. With lots of upmarket western shops and young Thais dressed to impress, it seems to be the equivalent of Boston's Newbury Street.

Throughout the day a number of locals stop to talk to me, some just being friendly, but most are tuk-tuk drivers looking for business. They usually start by asking where I'm from, how long I've been in Bangkok, etc. Then they take my map and point out where "standing buddha", "sitting buddha" and "lucky buddha" are. A typical conversation would then go like this:

"Where you go now?"
"I'm just exploring."
"Ah, I take you to standing buddha, sitting buddha, lucky buddha, back here. Only 10 Baht for you."
"No, I don't want to go there today, but thanks very much anyway."
"Ah, then what you want, you want clothes?"
"No, I don't want clothes."
"I take you to tailor, to champion tailor, you get suit, very cheap."
"No, it's OK, I don't want suit."
"Ah, then what you want, you want woman?" (Presses advert for strip show into my hand)
"No, I don't want woman."
"Ah! Then you want girl?"
"No, I don't want girl."

At this point I manage to extract my map from his hand, thank him for his time, and stroll off.

At Siam Square the buses look very busy so I decide to walk back to the Khao San Road. It takes me much longer than I expected, and I start to feel the effects of the heat and the pollution in the air from the multitude of cars, motorbikes, tuk-tuks, etc. I had thought Kuala Lumpur was dirty, but Bangkok is so much worse. By the time I get back "home" 90 minutes later my feet and legs are black from the pollution.

If I was expecting some respite on the Khao San Road I was badly mistaken. It's a mass of people wandering in and out of shops, through market stalls on the street, or hanging around food stalls. Despite being closed to traffic at this time in the evening, there are tuk-tuks, taxis and cars slowly forcing their way through the crowds.

After a bit of rest we meet up again with Antti, who took a different route up from Koh Phangan. It's been a long day and I nearly fall asleep in the bar, but I need to make it through to midnight when TV coverage of the Scotland-England rugby game starts. I don't know why I bothered as we get thumped 29-3. Fortunately there are no English in the bar, just Thais who are probably amused at this lone figure swearing at the TV.

On Sunday we visit the nearby National Museum, and it's a big disappointment. I was hoping to learn something of the history of the country, but it's really just a display of artefacts without enough description in English to make it interesting. Afterwards we take a walk past the Grand Palace. From the outside it looks very impressive, but we'll save our visit for our return trip to Bangkok in a few weeks.

In the evening we spend some time drinking cheap cocktails from a mobile drinks stall on the Khao San Road. The "stall" is actually a psychedelic camper van, and the "barmaids" are undoubtedly bar men! Even late at night, the street is still packed with people, locals and tourists. In fact, there are so many people just wandering up and down the street we could easily be in Italy!

Monday is another big sporting day, as it's the Superbowl in the US. The local team in Boston - the New England Patriots - have surprisingly made it to the big game. In contrast to the amount of European (especially English) "soccer" on Thai TV, I've not managed to find any coverage of the earlier playoff rounds of the American football. But the Superbowl is on live, and we're up at 6am to watch it. The game is an exciting one, and the Patriots win with the last kick of the ball. Going by the reports on the internet, Boston is going berserk, and I'm sad that I'm not there for the celebrations. Mind you, the temperature in Boston is twenty-something Fahrenheit, while in Bangkok it's thirty-something Celsius, so perhaps I'm better off where I am.

I don't really recover from the early start, but manage to drag myself along to the night markets in Patpong along with Conor, Antti, and a couple of others we've bumped into along the way. Afterwards we pop into a bar down there, and keep ourselves entertained watching the locals playing table-tennis and darts.

Antti, with that accent of his, has a habit of pronouncing "Thai" as "thigh". He tells us that he went for a massage in the afternoon, and explains the different types of massage. Apparently you can get a foot massage, a Swedish massage or his choice - a "thigh" massage. I never manage to find out what he actually means!

On Tuesday we have a few hours to kill before our train up north in the evening. We pay a visit to "standing buddha" - a temple with a 42m high buddha - without the aid of a tuk-tuk. We'll leave the "sitting" and "lucky" versions for our next trip.

Our train to Chiang Mai leaves at 6pm, and as we travel out of Bangkok I notice firstly how big the city is, and secondly how poor it seems as soon as you get out of the centre. The residential areas beside the railway line are how I would picture the favellas of Rio.

The North

Our overnight train arrives in Chiang Mai around 7:30am, and we're immediately struck by how chilly it is at this time of day compared to Bangkok. We're delighted to discover that the Jakawan Hotel has hot showers - the first we've had in about a month.

My first impression of Chiang Mai isn't a good one. From what I've read, I expected a smallish quaint town, stuffed full of temples and markets, and surrounded by town walls and a moat. Well, the old town is certainly surrounded by a moat, but it's much, much bigger than I expected, with a few (admittedly impressive) temples scattered around. And there's so much traffic it's almost a mini-Bangkok.

Tomorrow we are going on a three day trek in the mountains of Doi Inthanon National Park. In the evening we meet our guide and group. The group seems friendly and the guide, who calls himself Jungle Sam, is a bit of a character. There is another Sam, from England, in the group, and he has to be known as City Sam. As well as the British Isles, Australia, Italy and Poland are represented. Jungle Sam says, "I have visited all your countries". "Really?!", we exclaim in unison. "Yes, on the map.... ha ha ha!". It's becoming obvious that he enjoys laughing at his own jokes.

In the morning we're packed into a sawngthaew - a small truck with benches in the back along each side. It's a tight squeeze, but at least we don't suffer the same fate as our "assistant" guides who are known as Jungle Man #1 and Jungle Man #2. They are hanging off the back of the truck.

Our first stop is for a ride on the back of an elephant. We're two to an elephant, sitting on a wooden seat tied to its back. Our driver is sitting on the elephant's neck. It seems a long way down, and for me it becomes another white knuckle ride, especially on the downhill stretches when it feels like I could slide right off. Our elephant is sure and steady on the one hour trip up-river, though, and I start to relax. In contrast, Isabella (from Italy) and Fiona (Australia) are on an elephant which is particularly disobedient. It keeps trying to wander off the path, and their driver tries to keep it in check by slapping it across the neck with the side of his machete. At one point he drops his machete and just jumps off to retrieve it, leaving the girls on top of an elephant intent on wandering into the bush in search of food.

Everyone makes it to the end in one piece, and we jump back in our truck for a short drive before we start hiking around noon. After 20 minutes we stop for lunch at a pretty waterfall, and stay there for an hour. This sets the tone for the rest of the afternoon, as we spend at least as much time resting as we do walking. The route is quite steep uphill through forest, and though tiring is not too difficult. However, when we arrive at the village where we'll stay the night, some of the group are acting as if we've just climbed Everest.

The villagers who are hosting us tonight are members of the Karen tribe, the largest of a handful of different hilltribes in the north of Thailand. There are over 300,000 Karen, but villages are small; this one has around 100 inhabitants. The village is made up of a collection of bamboo huts on stilts near the top of a peak and is obviously visited by a lot of trekking groups, as there is a large hut built especially for us to sleep in. There is also a small hut housing our squat toilet and a tap that serves as a shower. I end up getting last shower, and with darkness having fallen and the heat of the day disappearing, I'm not too happy with the temperature of the water!

We're amused to find that they have cans of Coke and Chang (one of the local Thai beers) for us. I suppose it's a way for the villagers to make some money, but I pity the poor guys who have to carry crates up the mountain for us. It's also a way for the villagers to lose some sleep. It's dark early, and I imagine most of the villagers are early to bed, but after dinner we stay up sitting at the table outside our hut having a great laugh, and making rather too much noise. Our group is great fun, especially City Sam and his Aussie girlfriend Katy, her brother Stuart, and his girlfriend Sally. Tom and Lisa are a young English couple who entertain us with tales about the inhabitants of the dodgy part of Bristol. The Aussies make comparisons to the dodgy areas of Adelaide. I'm tempted to join this conversation, but can�t think which part of Glasgow to start with!

It's rather chilly overnight in this part of the world, and the rather thin sleeping bag and blanket we've been provided with are only just sufficient. But for me, it's the bamboo floor which has more of an impact on the quality of my sleep - like most people I wake up with sore hips.

In the morning we're cooked a breakfast of toast, boiled eggs and fruit, but surely it would be a more genuine experience if we could eat a more typical village breakfast? Afterwards, Jungle Sam gives us a tour of the village. It's the village where he lives, and he tells us that he's the only guide to bring groups to stay here. This means that it's perhaps a bit less touristy than some of the other villages nearby, which is just as well if the noise we made last night is typical of other trekking groups! On our look round the village, we see many more animals than people wandering around. In fact, as well as a few babies, there are lots of puppies, chicks and piglets. "I don't suppose there's much else to do around here", says Tom.

Today it takes us only an hour and a half of relaxed walking to get to our overnight stop - "Jungle Camp". This is a big hut in a small clearing in the forest beside a stream, with a mini waterfall where the stream runs over some rocks. Most of our group are on a short holiday, and find this a perfect place to relax for the afternoon. On the other hand, Conor and I have done our relaxing at the beaches, so we're keen enough for a bit more action. Along with the Polish couple, Jungle Man #1 takes us on an hour's hike up the hill to his own village. A small group makes much less of an impact on a village than our large group did last night, so we feel as if we get the chance to view real village life. Real village life, it would appear, consists of not very much. The people are pretty much just sitting around, chatting a little, smoking pipes, and occasionally spitting on the ground. And that's about it for the women! I'm not sure what the men do as there aren't many around - I assume they're out in the fields.

Back at camp we make use of the "shower" - a simple but clever system of pipes made from bamboo which are set up to channel a nice flow of water to wash under. The Poles go against common etiquette and bathe naked in full view of the group.

Before dinner, the jungle men offer us a taste of the local rice whisky. It's not the nicest tasting stuff, so it's just as well the thing to do is throw it back in one. And after dinner we settle down around the campfire for a few beers - again a couple of slabs have miraculously appeared at Jungle Camp. Jungle Sam teaches us the buffalo game. This is too complicated to explain here, but the punishment for making a mistake is to have Jungle Man #1 (whose name we find out is Narong) draw on your face with the soot from the cooking pot. Once we're bored with this it's time for jungle karaoke. There's no TV or sound system - just a book full of song lyrics.

It's even colder tonight - this time I sleep in all my clothes and I'm still cold. Most people don't sleep too well, and it's a rather dishevelled bunch who get up for breakfast. Our lack of good looks isn't helped by the soot which we've all still got covering our faces!

The jungle men demonstrate the versatility of bamboo this morning, whether using it to hold the bread over the fire for toasting, or to put together a rather elaborate gadget to dry clothes. Certainly more useful than the pop gun Narong made yesterday.

Today is probably the most walking of the three days, but it's pretty straightforward and we finish by lunchtime. After lunch it's time for our last activity of the trip - an hour downriver on a bamboo raft. The rafts are long and narrow, and I share a raft with Tom and Lisa. Our driver is at the front with a long pole which he uses to steer. Lisa and I are sitting in the middle, and Tom draws the short straw of standing at the back equipped with a pole in order to help out the driver. The river is very gentle, but there are one or two places where there are mini rapids. It is these places where Tom's steering abilities are required, but he fails miserably the first time he's needed and we bump into the bank, tipping Lisa into the river. It's only about a foot deep, so she's not in any danger, but she's none too happy about taking an early bath. Tom is not exactly in her good books. We negotiate the rest of the river without further problems, hop back into our sawngthaew which has come to pick us up, and head back to Chiang Mai.

Back in the city, most of our group are making a quick getaway to Bangkok on the overnight train. It's a shame they're not staying around a bit longer, as the last three days have been a good laugh. After the last few days of mainly Asian food, we head off to the "UN Irish Pub� where I enjoy a beef stew, while Conor settles for lasagna. Afterwards we go for a walk to the night market area. The night market itself is a bit disappointing, but the streets around it have some more interesting stalls. As usually happens in this sort of place, Conor splashes out on a few souveneirs, while my wallet stays firmly in my pocket.

I wake up in the middle of the night to the delightful sound of Conor throwing up in the bathroom. Perhaps we should stay away from Irish pubs in future!

On Sunday we decide to take a tour to the temple up the hill, otherwise known as Doi Suthep. After the last few days of visiting hill-tribe villages, we're disappointed to be first taken to another one, and our guide admits that this village is perhaps the most commercialised in all of Thailand. The temple itself is OK, but it's full of tourists. There's a good view over Chiang Mai, that's if you can see it through the haze. I seriously hope the haze isn't all caused by pollution.

Back in Chiang Mai, we walk down to Thanon Tha Pae, the long main street which connects the old town to the night market. As part of a festival called "The Ten Wonders of Lanna", the street is closed to traffic on Sundays just now, and we find it thronged with people. The occasional foreigner is easy to spot among the crowds, being a good few inches taller than most of the Thais. Lanna is the name for the north of the country, which was a country in its own right before becoming part of Thailand. The wonder being celebrated this week is the lantern, but what seems to be entertaining the people are the buskers scattered along the street. The most popular are a couple of western girls playing some Scottish or Irish jigs on the fiddle!

On Monday, it's time for our second activity in Chiang Mai - a class in Thai cookery. We meet at the Thai Kitchen Cookery School around 10 o'clock and start off with a tour of the local market. Nee, a tiny Thai girl in her early twenties, leads us round the market and shows us the different types of rice, noodles and vegetables used in Thai food.

Back in the school, we split into two groups. Our group consists of Conor and myself, an English girl called Vicky, and a larger-than-life Dubliner called Richie. Our teacher Pon is amused at the competition Richie creates in goading us into putting more and more chillies into our dishes. The highlights of the day are the Masaman curry and prawn + coconut milk soup, and they�re not too spicy considering the number of chillies we threw in.

On the second day Conor and I are in separate classes, but I�m again working with Richie. Our teacher Gaew is a little overwhelmed by Richie at first, but soon she learns to deal with him and we have a good laugh while making, among other things, spring rolls and a fish red curry.

Day 3 is a little different as I�m working with a group of Japanese who don�t speak great English. My partner Mikie is a bit scared of spicy food, so our chicken green curry and pad thai are a lot blander than the food from the first two days.

At the end of the day I�m totally stuffed (again!), but rather satisfied. Having completed all three days I�m presented with a certificate marking this achievement. Whether or not I ever make use of my newly learned skills, I�ve thoroughly enjoyed the last three days, and I�m sad to say goodbye to my teachers who really are the nicest of people.

Thursday is my last day in Chiang Mai, and I spend it wandering around town visiting some of the temples. Conor and I are splitting up for a few days while he attends a Reiki course near Chiang Mai, and after he heads off, I take the controversial step of going back to the UN Irish Pub and risking another meal there.

I have no problems with my stomach in the morning though, and I�m up early to catch the 7am bus to Mae Hong Son � in the north-west near the border with Burma. In the bus station I go in search of a toilet, and realise that after 4 weeks in the country I still don�t know how to say this in Thai. I approach a tout who is trying to sell bus tickets and ask, �Where is the toilet?�. �You want to go to Bangkok?�, he replies. �No, the toilet�, I say, but he doesn�t understand. I try another tout with the same result. Finally, a lady at the ticket counter directs me to the toilet, and there are laughs all round from the touts.

The first thing I do when I get on the bus is to look up �toilet� in my phrase book. I�m not completely surprised to find that it�s not there. Why I�m still carrying this book I don�t know.

There are only two other tourists on the bus, probably because most people are scared off by the 8 hour journey. I�m surprised though, when after about 3 hours there�s a huge sign at the side of the road announcing, �Welcome to Mae Hong Son�. Perhaps the road has been miraculously upgraded? The bus drives on a few hours more though, and we�re stopped at a couple of checkpoints where police or soldiers come on checking IDs. They don�t ask for mine though � apparently I wouldn�t pass for a Burmese refugee. Five hours after I saw the Mae Hong Son sign, we finally arrive in the town, and I realise that the sign was probably the entry point to Mae Hong Son province.

I follow a piece of advice I�ve been given and get a room in a guest house overlooking the Jong Kham lake � quite a nice spot. Wandering round the town I�m amused at the Lonely Planet�s rather atmospheric description � �A hub for Burmese travellers and amphetamine traders� � as it just seems like an unremarkable small town, albeit with an interesting market.

The main reason I�ve come to Mae Hong Son is that the trekking in the area is supposed to be very good, so I book myself onto a trek and next morning it�s time to head back into the bush. In contrast to the previous trek there are only 3 of us on this one � Mike and Elaine from Ireland are my companions. We�re driven firstly up into the mountains, and most of the trek will be downhill from here, making our way back towards town.

We start walking with our guide Noy as the back marker, and a man from the village where we�ll be staying leading the way. You�d think 2 guides would be plenty for 3 people, but Noy, with a dodgy stomach, takes a toilet stop. After about 10 minutes further walking, Elaine, who is in front, says, �Any sign of Noy back there, �cos I�ve lost yer man�. She�s not certain she�s been taking the correct forks in the path, so we decide to stop and shout on our guides. No answer. We shout again. No answer. For a couple of minutes we�re stuck on our own in the middle of the jungle, but a couple of minutes later Noy appears and tells us that we are indeed on the correct path.

We arrive at the village, set in the bottom of a deep valley, after an hour or so, and after Noy cooks us lunch we go climbing up the side of the valley in search of another village. We hike through fields that used to be used to grow opium poppies, but now are full of potatoes and cabbages. Mike and Elaine say they feel perfectly at home! We stop a number of times to take a look at the view back down to the valley floor and we�re amazed how far we�ve come in such a short time. After a wander round the village, we head back downhill. About halfway down, Noy just about jumps out of his skin, and stops suddenly in front of us. �Snake�, he says. Mike, Elaine and I don�t see a thing, but we�re all agreed that it must be worth worrying about for a guide to react like that!

We get back safe and sound, and sit ourselves down in the middle of the village (again it's a Karen village) to see what�s going on. Earlier on we were careful to keep our distance from the buffalo which were just outside the village, but now a couple of them have wandered into the village and a small boy is pulling on their horns. Obviously there�s not much danger from them. Having said that, we also watch a 5-year-old playing with a machete � the sort of thing you�d be horrified about in the western world.

We watch Noy cook our dinner in the house we�ll be staying in. We�re amused that a fire can be set right in the middle of the floor in such a simple bamboo hut. There�s no chimney, with the smoke just dispersing through the leaves and grasses which make up the roof. We eat dinner here with the family and then go over to visit another family. There�s not exactly much interaction between us and the villagers, but it�s interesting to watch how they spend their evenings, just sitting around the fire, perhaps swapping stories about their day in the fields, or maybe laughing at the 3 foreigners sitting in their house!

We go to bed before ten, as there�s nothing else to do really. It�s just as well though, �cos I�m woken early by the cocks crowing. They seem to have got it all wrong � I thought they were supposed to wait until the sun actually comes up before making all that noise!

Like our previous trek, we get a western breakfast. This time, though, we�re offered chicken curry instead, but politely decline. It would just seem all wrong at this time in the morning.

Today the hiking is fairly easy before lunch, going gently downhill. When we stop for lunch, Noy and his helper get out their knifes and start carving something out of pieces of bamboo. After about 15 minutes of work, they present us each a spoon! Then three green packages are produced � rice and vegetables for each of us wrapped in banana leaves and tied together with fine pieces of bamboo. It seems that Noy was quite busy this morning.

More bamboo is needed in the afternoon, as Noy cuts each of us a walking pole. The terrain becomes very steep downhill, and the pole saves me on a number of occasions. �I don�t know if I�m sweating �cos I�m hot or �cos I�m terrified�, says Mike! Even with our hiking boots and poles, the three of us make slow progress, with the sound of running water growing gradually louder as we approach the stream that marks the foot of our descent. On the other hand, Noy makes it look effortless while wearing a pair of pink flip-flops and, for the last hundred yards or so, carrying a tree over his shoulder.

We get to our jungle camp around 2 o�clock. The �camp� is just a couple of wooden canopies; I wouldn�t even call them huts. We�re right next to the stream, and it�s a lovely place to while away the afternoon while Noy and his helper are off collecting the bits and pieces they�ll use to cook our dinner. There are no cooking utensils here, so the food is cooked inside pieces of bamboo placed on the fire.

On day 3 it�s time to put away the hiking boots and put the sandals on, as we�re going to be following a river downstream most of the way. We wade across the river more times than I care to remember. The mountains around us are huge, and at times the views are simply stunning.

Noy again sees a snake in front of us, and this time I get a good look at it. It slithers under a rock, and Noy lights a fire beside the rock. If he�s trying to burn the snake I�m sure he won�t be successful, as surely it can just slide away. In response to my question, he says, �I no like snake, they bite the people�, and I�m none the wiser really.

After lunch, Noy borrows 100 Baht from me to buy a bag of caterpillars or something similar from one of the locals we meet. No doubt they�re a great delicacy, but I think I�ll give them a miss!

After another couple of hours of criss-crossing the river, we wade downriver through a small gorge and find ourselves back at the road. Our driver picks us up and takes us back to civilisation, where it�s time for a nice cold Sprite!

On Tuesday evening, after a relaxing day, myself and a few of the guys in the guesthouse go along to the town�s festival, which has been running for the last few days. We spend most of our time watching Thai Boxing, and I realise that the boxing I saw in Koh Phi Phi, while being reasonably genuine, was watered down a little. Tonight there are no holds barred, as I realise when I see one boxer hold his opponent�s head down and slam his knee into it a few times. The main attraction of the festival is the band playing on the big stage. The locals may like the music, but it�s fair to say it�s not to my taste!

On Wednesday I take a 4 hour bus journey from Mae Hong Son to Pai, back east towards Chiang Mai. The road takes many twists and turns as we drive slowly thought the mountains, and at times we are so high up we can see mountains disappearing into the haze for miles in all directions.

I choose a guesthouse which is just a collection of wooden huts beside the river, and a game of volleyball gives me my first sport in a long time. Food here seems to be the cheapest I�ve seen in Thailand. Curry and a fruit shake in a nice restaurant costs me 50 Baht, just over one US dollar.

Thursday is a lazy day, but in the late afternoon I drag myself out and decide to go on a tour. It�s advertised as �Sunset Tour � Cave Lod � 50000 Birds�. The cave is an hour back along the road towards Mae Hong Son, and whereas the bus driver yesterday took it fairly easily, our sawngthaew is flying along. I�m pleased I�m looking out the back and can�t see ahead of us as we take the racing line, spending half our time on the wrong side of the road.

The caves are a pleasant surprise to me � they�re absolutely massive. There are huge stalactites, stalagmites, and various other rock formations to admire in the first two caves. We travel through the third cave on a bamboo raft, and wait at the exit as the sun goes down, watching some of the 50000 birds flying in, and looking unsuccessfully for an unspecified number of bats flying out. To be honest, it�s not a great wildlife spotting exercise, but the caves were fantastic.

The drive back to Pai is similar to the drive out, except that now it�s dark. Perhaps driving on the wrong side of the road is safer now that our driver can see the headlights of oncoming cars? That�s what I�m telling myself anyway!

When we get back to Pai, a couple of the girls invite me to go out with them later on, as one of their group is celebrating a birthday. After a meal we go on to the Hiccup Bar, which is made entirely of bamboo, and we all just sit around on cushions on the floor. It�s an interesting bunch of people, most of whom have just met in Pai in the last few days. Lauren and Chelsea (both from Canada) give me a lot of advice about where to go in Laos, but I�m not sure I�ll be able to remember the place names. Another girl looks and sounds remarkably like Hannah from S Club 7, but she says her name is Becca. Perhaps she�s travelling under an assumed name? The ringleader of the group is another English girl, Sarah. She�s at least 10 years older and a foot taller than any of the other girls, and they look a comical sight walking together, much like a mother hen with her chicks. Strangest of the group is Stuart, an Aussie who looks and sounds like he�s on drugs. But he knows enough about Scottish football to refer to Livingston as �Livi�.

After the bar closes I go back with the crowd to their guesthouse, and Stuart suggests that I come with him on his motorbike as he reckons there�s a 24 hour liquor store nearby. There�s no way I�m getting on the bike with him but Lauren, obviously drunker than I am, goes with him. Their mission is unsuccessful, but the party rumbles on nevertheless.

I get to bed about 4am, and in the morning I�m hit by the Pai effect; that which causes people to stay longer than planned. I had intended to leave this morning, but I just can�t drag myself out of my bed. A lot of people, though, come for a day and stay a week. When I get up I�m a bit confused to find that I�ve no money in my pockets, but then I remember that I gave my remaining Baht to Lauren for the late night beer run. During the day I keep bumping into Sharon and Muirean, two Irish girls who were part of the group last night. After a typical Pai day (doing nothing), I meet up with them and a few others for dinner. Lauren isn�t around, so it looks like I�m not going to see my money again!

Next day I go back to Chiang Mai, avoiding a crowded 4 hour bus journey by going with an English guy who has hired a car and driver for the day. One of his friends is Scottish � bringing to an end perhaps the longest I�ve ever gone in my life without hearing a Scottish accent.

Back in Chiang Mai, I remember what I didn�t like about it � the traffic. At one point it takes me over 5 minutes to cross the road at the moat. I�m glad I�m only here for one night, and next day I embark on the journey to Chiang Khong, at the Laos border. The 6 hour trip by minibus is completed in 5 hours by our totally mental driver. I�m sure we�re the fastest vehicle on the road, and he�s on the wrong side most of the time, with blind corners proving no deterrent.

Chiang Khong, a picturesque town on the Mekong river, is packed, as the Lao border has been closed for the last couple of days. I find what appears to be the last hotel room in town and after meeting up with Conor, who arrived yesterday, we go for dinner with Julia, an American who was on my minibus, and Tony, a French guy who was on Conor�s Reiki course.

In the morning, the border has reopened and we make our way to Thai passport control, where we have to pay a fine for overstaying our visa by a day. We walk under a sign announcing, �Chiang Khong, Gate to Indo-China�, and hop on a longtail boat for the short trip across the Mekong to Huey Xai in Laos.