Andy's Column
June 1, 2001
Hello, and welcome to my little column thing. Every once in a while I'll post an update and discussion article like this one. I'll try to have something to talk about, rather than just blathering like an idiot or giving political opinions. (Same thing, really.)
Right now I'm in the process of building this site. Today, June 1, no one but my girlfriend has seen it, but hopefully, when I start getting it linked and listed on a couple of search engines, it'll start accumulating some visitors. I hate narcissistic homepages with pictures of people's cars and pets on them, so you won't find any of that here. And I hope to get some other people to contribute articles to the site as well, so it'll be more diverse.
So anyway, I thought today I would focus on the dangers of breaking into abandoned buildings and exploring underground tunnels. It's not as dangerous as you might think, as long as you're sober and not acting like an ass. But I have had a few brushes with death or incarceration. Here now, from the home office in Sioux City, Iowa, are the top ten scareist things that have happened to me while fucking around in places where I wasn't supposed to be.
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10. Ohio State University Steam Tunnels
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While exploring the OSU steam tunnel system with my friends Hoss, Jesus, and DS, we entered the basements of several buildings late at night. This made me highly nervous, because I was the only member of our group who was a student, and I knew if we got caught I would probably be expelled or suspended or something like that. Nothing happened, though, and we ended up having a shitload of fun. Hoss found a fire extinguisher and sprayed Jesus with it. I managed to get ahead of them in the tunnel, which was a good thing, because Hoss then handed the extinguisher off to DS, who absolutely doused Jesus in white powdery smoke. We started running down the tunnel with DS at the back of the group, fire extinguisher pointed over his shoulder, blasting a steady stream of fire extinguisher shit into Jesus's mouth as Jesus ran right into it. I don't know if you've ever been hit with a fire extinguisher, but the cloud of white powdery smoke it emits is really disgusting. You can't breathe it without almost passing out. By the time the extinguisher was empty, Jesus looked like a ghost. We never got caught on that outing, but I have to say I'm surprised.
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9. Third Avenue Drainage System
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While exploring the big drainage pipe under Third Avenue, Rookie and I came to a big concrete chamber under which flowed a steady stream of brown water. Rookie bravely climbed a narrow metal ladder down to the open pipe, tried to stand alongside the flow, and slipped. He didn't go down, but he did soak his feet in the nasty stuff. We later stopped at Odd Lots to buy him fresh socks.
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8. Junction City Prison
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The abandoned prison in Junction City is a place I've visited several times. One time, late at night, my girlfriend, her sister, Jesus, and I decided to go inside. Everyone was so freaked out that we decided to leave before we had even explored the first floor. When we were parked across the street from the prison, however, we decided to dare Jesus to go back inside alone, climb to the top floor, and shine his flashlight through a window at us. He did it--mainly to impress my girlfriend's sister--but while he was in there I remembered the gigantic hole in the middle of the top level floor. Luckily he didn't fall through, but for a while we thought he might.
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7. Abandoned Houses in Grand Rapids
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While investigating some abandoned-looking houses near Grand Rapids, my friend Redneck cut his hand severely on some broken window glass. Hoss said he could "see the bone" when it happened, but Redneck bravely refused to go to the emergency room. The hand would not stop bleeding. Later that night when my tire went flat, he did so much work helping me get it changed that the asphalt around us looked like a horror movie set. The police stopped and talked to us when somebody at a house nearby called them, and we thought he might see the bloody street and start shooting us, but he didn't.
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6. The House of Nightmares
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The House of Nightmares in tiny Bangs, Ohio, near Mt. Vernon, was one of the least "abandoned" buildings I've ever explored, which made it dangerous anyway. But when we climbed to the roof we ran into the most trouble. Hoss was hit in the head by a bat he disturbed under the eaves. There was condensation all over the slick roof, which caused Jesus to begin sliding toward the edge. He panicked and sort of kind of almost came close to falling.
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5. The Rainsboro Theater
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Located in tiny Rainsboro, Ohio, the theater is the most dilapidated building I've been in. The first level floorboards would break under your feet, and the second floor was in even worse shape. There was grass and other vegetation growing from the floor in a second-floor room, and when I leaned against a wall it actually fell over. Bricks rained down around my head. I froze for a while and then didn't touch anything else, but it was still the closest I've ever come to having a building just fall down on top of me.
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4. The Seneca Hotel
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The first time I explored the Seneca Hotel it was with Rookie. We had seen homeless people entering and leaving the Seneca during reconnaisance trips, which led us to want to enter in the daytime, at least for our first trip. I had also purchased a couple of workshirts from the thrift store with Target Construction Company patches on the pockets, which we figured might give us enough of an official air to prevent any crazy homeless people from killing us. We were still nervous, though. We entered through a hole in the wall of the loading dock and climbed the stairs to the third floor--the first floor without the windows boarded shut and therefore the first floor with natural light. We made our way through a few big rooms, taking photos, and then noticed a sound. It was a weird kind of whistling, sucking sound, and it would start every once in a while, then taper away. I thought it was a bird. We finally traced it and could hear it coming from the other side of a door. Just as I was about to open the door, I heard a very human voice go, "Ahhh-ohhhhh," in a sort of moaning ecstasy, and I realized we were listening to people smoking crack. Needless to say, we beat a hasty retreat. On a later trip with Hoss we actually opened the door, only to find several homeless people rolled up in sleeping bags and blankets on the floor. One asked, "Who's there?" and Hoss replied, "Nobody, go back to sleep." We later found another urine-scented enclave of them on floor eight. The homeless people at the Seneca never did anything to us, but finding them was still a shocking experience.
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3. Crate City
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During an early excursion into Crate City, my friend Elvis was on top of one of the huge crates when it collapsed beneath him. Those things are full of splinters and nails, and some have weird items inside of them, so when Elvis fell, my friend Crazy Nick and I thought he was probably hurt pretty bad. I envisioned having to call an ambulance and trying to lead them back here, as well as our eventual trial and execution. But Elvis was completely okay, not even winded. There's no doubt that Crate City is a dangerous place.
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2. Americana Amusement Park
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I made two trips to Americana in the spring of 2000, when it was still unknown whether it would reopen or not (it has since closed down for good). The park was eerily still and empty when I went in the daytime with Rookie. Later on, during a return trip at night with Hoss, we saw the guard. He was stationed in the guard booth up front, and we had managed to sneak around to the back of the park unnoticed, but then about 3AM he did his rounds. I freaked out. I thought we would certainly be caught and was prepared to make a run for it. Hoss made me wait until the guard had spotlighted kiddyland and driven around to where we were, then hide behind the gocart racecars. It worked; the guard drove right by in his pickup truck and never knew we were there. But it was the closest I've ever come to getting caught.
And finally...
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1. Grain Silo/Salt Factory
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The scariest experience I've ever had with an abandoned building occurred at the grain/salt structure on East Main Street. The thing is immensely tall and imposing. Hoss and I parked in the slightly unsavory neighborhood where it's located, hopped the fence, and climbed the mile-and-a-half of ladder attached to the back. This was tiring and scary enough. At the top, though, the height blew your mind. I don't consider myself acrophobic, but I started to understand why some people are. Hoss, on the other hand, has absolutely no fear of hights at all. He walked right up to the edge of the concrete silo and looked straight down without blinking. He even jumped across the corner to look at another section. We climbed the scaffolding above the top and wrestled around up there, which was very frightening; you know that if you fall you'll only drop to the top of the silo, but being so high you can't help but be freaked out. The scariest moment, however, came when I crept out to the edge and stoop right there, looking down. Hoss shoved me from behind, then caught the back of my tee-shirt and jerked me back. For a second I thought I was going to die. I was shaking for the next twenty minutes. That might have been the most scared I ever was.
So there you have it. Nothing too dramatic, but a few interesting experiences. My friend Hoss's scariest experience is one I wasn't in on; when they were building the new Fifth/Third Bank skyscraper downtown, he and DS climbed it all the way to the top and wrestled on beams, unsupported by anything. They also rappelled down elevator shafts on the elevator cables. Not bad.
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