Twas the Bible, and the Monsignor
Did thump and preach with holy fire
Self righteous was the parishoner,
And the holy smoke rose higher.

Beware the Catholic, my son,
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost,
Beware the evangelist, and shun
Those priests who preach the most.

He took his Atheist sword in hand,
Long time the dogmatic foe he sought,
So rested he by the crucifix tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And as in logical thought he stood,
the Catholic, with eyes of flame,
Came Rosary-ing through the Biblical wood,
Consecrating as it came.

One, two! Christ wants you!
The Atheist blade went snicker-snack!
And by the holy rope he dragged the Pope,
Hailing Mary the whole way back.

And hast thou slain the Catholic?
Come be protestant today!
“Be saved like me!  Be Baptist, be holy!”
The proselytizers say.

Twas the Bible, and the Minister
Said, “Repent of all thy sins, be saved,
Else burn in fires most sinister”
He ranted and he raved.

Beware the Protestant, my son,
The Baptist, Lutheran, and Methodist,
Beware Jehovah’s Witness, shun
The dreaded Creationist.

He took his Darwinist sword in hand,
While the Jesus-finding foe he sought,
So rested he by the Bible Belt tree,
In sacriligious thought.

And as in Evolutionary thought he stood,
The Protestant, with all Hell’s flame
Came preaching through the repentent wood,
Baptizing as it came!

One, Two! God’s planned for you!
The Darwinist blade went snicker-snack!
And hurrying faster, he dragged the Pastor,
Thumping scripture the whole way back.

And hast thou slain the Protestant?
Come join a cult today!
“Worship Martians like me, they’ll set us free!”
The Enquirer readers say.

Twas an ancient cult, and the sacrifice
Was made to the gods of the Pantheon.
“Who will save our souls, but for a price”
The holy man carried on.

Beware religions all, my son,
The tenets, dogma, and beliefs,
Beware the fanatic, and always shun
The evangelists who give you grief.

He took his Heathen sword in hand,
Long time the Pagan foe he sought,
So rested he by the Deus tree,
In exasperated thought.

And as in empirical thought he stood,
The Religiowock, with ritual flame
Came crusading through the helpless wood,
Converting as it came.

One, two! The Cult wants you!
The Heathen blade went snicker-snack!
Like a sacrificed beast, he dragged the High Priest
Claiming martyrdom the whole way back.

And hast thou slain the Religiowock?
It’ll grow a new head by morn,
For a gullible breed with no fanatic creed
Is a religion about to be born.

Twas blind faith, and the Scripture Spout
Did brainwash them all with his holy book,
And what they never knew they could live without,
They swallowed, sinker, line, and hook.

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