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24-05-2000 - Headlines - 'Virgins take-over NHS!' - IT Staff 'fooled for love' In an effort to bring you the news, gossips and scandals that matter, we will be making further improvements, providing you more stories and more picture news. To keep informed of updates and stories as they come in, please join our new mailing list at the bottom of the page. - Past Headlines - Royal 'has-beens' In Re-Marriage Speculation - Its A Right Royal Farce! Red Ken flies to Victory 15-05-2000 - Stop Press, apologies for the slight delay, our editorial team has been very busy, but we should be able to provide you, our well-educated readers with an update very soon, keep watching... - Past Headlines - Man In Freak Horror Accident - Its A Shocker! Woman In Toilet Ordeal Colostomy News, bringing you the news that matters.. over the next coming months we will be reporting on news, gossips and scandals from around the world. So join us, in our first online edition as we sift through the colostomy bag and extract the urinal content more commonly known as 'the news'. |
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24-05-2000 - 'Virgins take-over NHS!' |
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In a bid to boost our crippled NHS, bumbling Health
Secretary Alan Milburn is to enlist the help of Virgin boss
Richard Branson in an effort to make it more 'consumer friendly'.
Milburn, who took over earlier this year from ailing
Frank 'Dobbo' Dobson, is said to be striving for 'cleanliness, hygiene,
good-food and care'. We are bemused as to why these things that
are still being 'strived for', aren't in place already, afterall this is
the LEAST you would expect from any credible health service.
Branson, who is rumoured to be planning another round-the-world
balloon flight, no doubt doomed to end yet again in failure, is to supply
consultants from his
Atlantic Airlines division to advise officials on how the health service
can be improved to meet these 'new' standards. Along with all these quite obvious standards, they are also planning to install TV's and phones in each ward, which is of course good news for the patients. And with such comforting facilities, it seems they are fast catching up with our Prison Service in terms of luxury. We wait for the announcement of pool tables to be set-up in the corridors! In the project, estimated to be costing around $35,000 in tax-payers money, may we suggest they at least provide some eye-pleasing stewardesses from the Virgin Atlantic crew to wander aimlessly round the wards. That, along with the nurses of course, will surely brighten up a certain few of the patients, and take their minds off the reality of the poor health service as it crumbles around them. It looks as though Milburn has a long way to go in the struggle to clean up the mess left behind by Dobson when unfortunately for him, Tony Blair pulled his name out of the hat to be pushed forward as Labour's Mayoral candidate. Unsurprisingly for Dobson, that campaign also ended in a shambles, leaving him further ridiculed, and we wait to see what Tony Blair will now do with the 'excess baggage' that seems to sum up Dobson's role of late. Suggestions on a postcard please, or rather to the Colostomy Newsdesk, as we ask, 'What would you do with Dobson?' |
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24-05-2000 - Hapless IT staff left 'fooled for Love' |
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As the lovebug virus swept across the world during this last fortnight, it at
least gave some shimmer of hope to the thousands of hapless individuals sat at their
corporate workplace PC's, still craving for true love. We can imagine how it must
have sent many lonely hearts racing as they frantically opened up the email expecting
to find the husky woman of their dreams, ready and waiting to seduce them into a
never-ending frenzied love-nest. However, any such foolish dreams were shattered as
the virus failed to do nothing more than trash system files and leave their PC's 'screwed',
rather than themselves of course, as they had so foolishly hoped. The virus, nothing more
than a vb script taking advantage of various 'flaws' in Microshafts Outlook interface,
sent shockwaves through the industry as it went on it's course of destruction, once again
proving just how easy it is grind businesses to a confusing halt. That said though, we feel
it has also highlighted a worrying concern over the general skill and awareness of many
IT staff, especially those involved in network support, after hearing numerous tales of
bungling administrators opening up the virus themselves, and thus infecting the rest of
their company and colleagues. Still, that's what we call 'sharing with others', 'peer bonding', and of course,
'investing in people'!
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09-05-2000 - Royal 'has-beens' In Re-Marriage Speculation - Its A Right Royal Farce! |
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News emerged later last week of a possible re-marriage between royal has-beens, The Duchess of York and Prince Andrew. In a leaked memo from Buckingham, the palace stated their 'extreme concerns' about the ever-increasing bond between the couple in recent months, and we can only speculate that their concerns lie with the impending announcement of re-marriage, yes, you heard it here first. The Duchess of York, better known as 'Fergie' and once famed for her much publicised toe-sucking activities of the early nineties, recently moved back into the marital chambers of Prince Andrew's stately mansion, along with their children and a huge stack of unsold Budgie the Helicopter books. Close sources to the palace have commented on the Queen's apparent anger of the situation, claiming she has been overheard muttering such remarks as 'disgraceful' and 'they won't be doing it under my roof' amongst other spiteful comments, amid rumours that she thinks this will give out a negative image of the royal family, one of carefree morals, that of divorce and re-marriage, and thus tarnish their reputation and integrity even further than it is already. However, we here at Colostomy News suspect the real reason behind the Queen's outrage to be the humiliation of having to welcome Fergie back into the folds of the royal residency, after her countless activities that have shamed the palace in recent years. As the public show of the couple seems to be one of genuine affection, we believe Fergie may be playing 'crawl-back', and escaping all her financial woes and troubles by safe-guarding herself under the watchful wing of Prince Andrew. That, coupled with the probable fact that she would find no other man to take her on at this crusty stage in life, is why we are remaining sceptical about this sudden shock announcement.
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05-05-2000 - Todays Breaking News Man In Freak Horror Accident Red Ken flies to Victory Woman In Toilet Ordeal |
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Man In Freak Horror Accident - Its A Shocker! |
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Shocked passers-by looked on in horror today as a man disappeared up his own arse. The freak incident happened as the man, who has yet to be identified, strolled out of his local supermarket clutching his bag of shopping. The cause of this incident, described by many witnesses as 'horrific' and 'sickening' has yet to be clarified, due to the unusual circumstances of what actually occurred. One distressed witness described what he saw, 'I was casually walking out of the supermarket and I noticed in front of me a man who I thought was having a fit, it was only when I saw him keel over and begin to panic uncontrollably that I realised this was something very very serious. What I saw next horrified me as he appeared to shrivel up into a soggy mess before backfiring up into his own arse, taking his shopping with him. It made me sick'. Many other witnesses describe much the same story of events, and counselling is being offered to anyone who was unfortunate to witness the ordeal. Investigators are looking into the incident with great concern, and latest reports speculate of a link to the rare condition known as Spontaneous Human Combustion. More news as we get it.
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Other News Today Red Ken flies to Victory - World Exclusive From London! |
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Isit a bird, isit a plane, NO - Its Ken Livingstone as he flies in to a secure landing as the new London Mayor.
As the last batch of ballot papers are being counted, it already looks set to be a clear cut win for Red Ken in the battle for mayoral control of London. Described by one bitter rival as 'Mad as a hatter', the controversial candidate looked delighted today as news came in of his looming victory. With most rival candidates quietly accepting the inevitable defeat, Frank Dobson, who's own campaign has been riddled with embarrassment and described by many as a 'disaster' from day one, battled to keep a grin on his face today and appears to be still wallowing in his own smugness as he commented on today's events as 'a total farce'. No doubt he will be making further allegations of vote rigging in light of his defeat, although more appropriately he seems to be wallowing in his own hypocrisy as he has already conveniently forgotten the allegations of vote rigging which put him forward as labours candidate, forcing Ken to stand as an independent. We wait for the once gleeful Dobson to comment further on the matter. More news on the hour!
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And Finally Woman In Toilet Ordeal |
| Earlier today fire officers had a strange call-out from a woman who had fallen into the toilet pan and trapped herself. The screams of panic alerted her quick-thinking neighbour who immediately dialled 999 to report the incident. The firemen who turned up at the household and broke into the property were expecting a disaster on their hands, but were bemused to find the woman still struggling to free herself from the offending toilet pan. It all ended happily as firemen pulled her from the toilet and she was re-united with her bum, after being stuck in the wet pan for over an hour. Amused fire officers, adding a sense of humour to the situation, said she had left a 'floater' in the pan. She declined to comment. |
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