It's too late, I know. The money men have spoken. Still, think of me as court-appointed counsel for a disenfranchised client. I submit: The Jets don't belong in Arizona, because Hockey doesn't belong in the Sun Belt.


THE ENVIRONMENT: Glamour city? Phoenix is melanoma-friendly and five minutes old. So the sun shines there--all it illuminates is one more stucco strip mall.

   People run down Winnipeg, say it's small-time, say it's ugly. Phoenix is not as interesting as ugly. It's a soulless golfplex built atop Hades, a place settled only after the air conditioning was installed. It's too hot to sustain life, so what's the point? Unless your idea of paradise is a climate-control-led biodome bubble, an Astrodome with no exits.

   Brain-melting, 120-degree heat? Or a little snow now and then? In Winnipeg, a game of hockey can actually break out spontaneously on a frozen pond. Also, frostbitten tundratropolises like Green Bay and Buffalo define fan loyalty. Underdog local identity is wrapped up in the team by default--it's the only show in town. And civic pride is stoked by a suspicion that fans in those sunny places are mocking you.

   I see no grit in the Sun Belt retirement centers. Only ex-Arizona Cardinal Luis Sharpe getting shot--again--in one more drug deal gone bad.


THE NAME: The Jets were an original WHA team named for the megastar they lured from the NHL. Or maybe not, but bear with me. Bobby Hull, the Golden Jet--now that's a name firmly rooted in the illustrious history of the game.

   The team now plays under a name with no hockey connotation whatsoever. Coyotes? May as well be Varmints or Jackalopes--anything to underscore the region's attitude toward hockey: We stole your heart and made it a novelty to distract relocated yuppies and oldsters hanging around death's green room, waiting for Don Pardo to call their names--and cue the band.

   What a slap in the face to Winnipeg. Sticking the Jets in the hockey-indifferent American Southwest is like stealing ancient artifacts to pretty up some corporate chieftain's weekend retreat. What once was endowed with meaning now stands guard over whimsy.

   Maybe the new logo should be a snickering Coyote giving us the finger.


THE PEOPLE: Winnipeg: scrappy pioneer stock. Phoenix: nomads, listless retirees, people with respiratory problems--"lungers" as we call them in heartier climes.

   In Winnipeg, hard-working people paid hard-earned greenbacks--or whatever color they are up there--to buy a share of a season ticket. While we're punishing them for a bad economy, shouldn't we take the Bruins away, too?

   Canadians actually get icing and remember Gump Worsley. They see ice as a canvas, not just something you cool your drink with. In Phoenix, the NHL, ranks right up there with Pong. I'm about passion, and let's face it: Hockey in Arizona is an ice cube on a fat man's thigh after a workout. And let me tell you something: If the population of Canada ever tops 100,000, we ugly Americans had better watch out.


WINNIPEG TRADITION: The Blue Bombers must have won the Grey Cup or two. Phoenix? Suns, 0. Cards, 0. Devil Rays, 0. Coyotes, 0. Hey, Colangelo and Co., here's an idea: Stop collecting franchises and win something. Once. You love to see a city that's never come near a title spreading itself so thin--particularly if you root for a team in the same division.


DANNY AINGE: If you really want a peek into the soul of the place, remember that Ainge to be its coach. The No. 1 whiner of all time. A brat. An excuse maker. The kind of player who brings out the tower gunman in you. Only a city that didn't exist when he was complaining his pouty ass off in Boston could love this dude.


THE NATIONS: Canada losing teams is like hockey's NAFTA. Next? The Flames move to Mexico City and pay their players $1.25 an hour. Canada now has six teams. America has the rest--and we named one of them the Mighty Ducks.

   Our Canadian neighbors are so nice, too. They don't see our borders as turnstiles like our soccer-loving neighbors down yonder in what I call North America's swimsuit area.