Aug 11/05
Well it is now 5:08pm. Today was my last working day. I am procrastinating leaving. My keys are gone so once I shut my office door, the door is shut.
It was a very emotional day, for myself, amounst the staff, and the clients. We had a lovely group this morning and I said my piece to the clients. And then at lunch the staff had a party for me, cake and good food and whatnot. I cried my face off.
I've cried m y face off all day really.
Its been a rough two days. Tragic news...endning my job...moving....
A tide has turned, I wonddr where it will lead me.
Aug 09/05
Wow. It has come to my attention that this page gets some serious action these days. I guess the pressue in on to start improvng the quality of it all.
I am sititng here wasting valuable time at work. I fought to have this time free today to clean out my office, And here I am at Geocities typing away.
I hardcore packed last night. I packe donly two boxes but alreadyI can see the life I built here in the city starting to dismantle in an organized calm fashion. My time is widning down. The excitement of sharing my decisions with those around has worn off and now I actually have to follow thru on the 'big announcement'
Last night, I did a quality pack.
Tim had made a good point to me, of after we moved out of that place together, I had said to him after it was all empited out: that it didn't feel like our place anymore. He suggsted to me that I pack away all of those little things that mkae it my place, to help me create the closure I need, so I can focus on the indidivuals I need to say goodbye to.
I've moved alot in my day. Some people may say that nothign will change whenI go, but I know that when soeone moves away, things DO change. People who were once your closest companion become nothing of a shadow.
But then again, look at Marina: I'd say the closet most beloved friend of my life, our relationship only started as strong as it is, after I left Peterborough,
I am projecting that I may feel quite tragic on Thursday......being the 11th, the first of my huge transitions.....
How was moving supposed to make me better????......
Thats the question I keep asking myself. I think that moving is ELEVATING my stress levels and feelings of melancholy much much more...
I-Ya. I guess its the long term I need to focus on.....
JULY 19/2005:
I QUIT MY JOB TODAY! My last day is the 11th. I gave notice at the apt. I hope to be outta Toronto by the 20th. I am going home to Alice. I'm feelign a little blank right now, reality starting to kick in.
I walked the High Park labyrinth last night and I realized that I am living for the first time in the present. I am living to experienec not accomplish. It was refreshing to acknowlede that freedom has finally reached within in me!!!!
I also discovered that the turmoil that started in my life back in June 2003, coming to completetion in July 2005, completely relates to Saturn being in Cancer (my sign) for that EXACT time period! that was an amazing discovery. www.stariq.com/pagetemplate/cosmic_weather.asp?pageid=4521
Anyways, thats the big announcement coming down the pipe!
July 7/2005
Well I took approx. 3 weeks from work, to get my head on. Things are looking different now. I'm approaching my work differently. I have some new sources of inspiration and the feeling of not being trapped for the first time in awhile. Its so relieving.
There is BIG changes coming down the pipe, in my life. Keeping those cards close to me till closer to the end of July. IF you're curious anyone, let me know and I'll talk to you about it, but I'm not ready to air it out in a public forum.
I will state publicly though, that I WILL be leaving my apartment Spetember 01 at the latest. Hopefully I will be getting out of there a week or two in advance to that though.
Again, big changes. It feels good to feel some fluidity back in my life: movement! Yea!
May 30
So I did the whole vacation thing. It was great. I discovered the feeling of life beyond work. I just funcitoned, lived MY life, completely on my own terms. My favorite moment was sitting in the grass in a park and accdientily falling asleep with my Soy Moccachino in hand. I ended up with a pinkn face and that wonderful slightly sleepy feeling of having lots of sun.
Now back at work, I feel like I am constantly short fo sleep. I think Coen is driving me crazy at night. Constantly crawling on me and meowing all night. Not sure what his problem is.
I've been watchign this show: Grey's Anatomy. I really llike it. I identify with that feeling of life or death (to some extent) in my work. I watched the 1st episode last night, they are in off season rotation. And one of the med students says (after a very seriously horrible shift) 'why didn't I want to be a chef, a kindergarten teacher or ski instructor?' And they closed the show with the voiceover statements 'I can only think of one reason why I want to do this, and 1000 reasons why I don't' after a life is saved. That touched me ratehr significantly.
The show also reminds me that there are jobs much much sressful then my own. It how we cope with the stress thats the important think. It will never go away...
Well then. Time to go back to work.
