postopjournal44

April 16, 2003 - (Wednesday)
I'm in the middle of an eating crisis. I want to eat and that's not something I've had to deal with since surgery. I can't tell you how upsetting it is to be hungry and feel like I'm a scavenger, looking for my next "kill". Ugh, that old feeling of desperation has raised it's ugly head and I'm miserable. I had gotten so used to never feeling hungry, going about my daily life and eating whatever I wanted, mainly protein, not tooo much snacking, except for the past few months. I believe once I added pretzels and that led to breads back into my diet, that was the beginning of the end. GRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I'm hating myself right now !!!!! So, I'm avoiding breads, gone back to proteins today and hopefully can get myself off the hard stuff (ie. breads/carbs). I do feel like a junky. I'm totally miserable -- I'm up 4 pounds now and it's horrendous. My water consumption was also lacking I was drinking 32 oz. a day, plus at least 40 oz. of coffee and that's it. Soo, I'm trying to get in at least 100 oz. of water today and cut back on the caffeine. I'm gonna give it a go and see if I can get back on the stick and be happy again with my eating routine. I know it's been wanting for awhile, but now I'm totally off track and need to find my way again.

On the upswing, it's 87 degrees here in NJ and it's just gorgeous. We might even have to put the AC on tonight for sleeping. Temps are going to dip again tomorrow, but I'm enjoying the day and feeling optimistic about the days to come. Need to get better because when I'm doing well with my eating, I can't feel any better -- I'm energetic and happy. When I'm doing badly, I'm miserable. Enuf said...hopefully next post will find me on the straight and narrow and down the 4 pounds I've gained. Ok all, till next time :)

April 17, 2003 - (Thursday)
Well, I'm a lot better. I think I pinpointed one of my issues, I have really not been eating a lot of food with substance. I think after I had the stricture, I've been limiting my foods to "soft things". I eat a lot of salads, but not a lot of meat. I do eat some cheese. I have been eating a lot of eggplant parm (to excess). When I have not been eating that, after that Panera Bread opened up, I started eating MASS quantities of bread, especially Cinnamon Raisin Bread. Ugh, up until a month or so ago, I'd have to check my journal to be sure, bread was really not a part of my diet. Yes, I definitely had pretzels, and at times, excessive amounts of pretzels, but bread, in general, was not on the menu. So, I'm weaning myself from the bread, eating more meats and trying to be full on "real food". So far, yesterday, I definitely snacked a lot less and hopefully the scale will go down. I'm happy that I wasn't a scavenger yesterday and hoping for the same today. So far, I'm down one bottle of water (32 oz.) and ate lunch -- that's better than most days. Oh well, I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, if I can continue down this path, maybe I'll be happy again. Oh -- till next time all. :) Happy Easter all !! I hope the candy doesn't win!!! *LOL*

May 9, 2003 - (Friday)
All is well here. Finally got my bread "issue" worked on and I'm doing MUCH better. I went away to FL for the weekend, came back on Monday and hit the scale on Tuesday. Let me just say -- SHOCKER!!! I had gained a lot of weight over the weekend and I was shocked into reality that bread is definitely my enemy and I need to stay away from it. I think some people are OK with bread, in moderation. I think I'm the type of person that if I have bread, I gain weight. I have vowed to not have any bread or candy until I lose all this extra weight. I guess I was OK with my weight at a complete stand-still, but weight gain --- NO!! I will not tolerate it and had to get on the stick. I'm still up about 4 lbs, but I'll get it off and be happier for it. My eating had definitely suffered over the past month or 2. I was eating a lot of crap, bread, candy, not much protein. Now I've up'd it to mostly protein, fruit, and nuts, so I'm excellent. I'm really proud of my transition to eating healthier and I'm doing exactly what I should be doing and that makes me so happy. I really don't feel deprived, like on a normal diet. I just know that this is what I SHOULD be doing and I'm doing IT, major difference for me!!!! *smile*

Oh, one thing that happened the other day is KIDNEY STONE!!! Ugh!!! Passed another one. It was painful and a bit scary until I figured out what was going on. I thought my hernia was bothering me, but it was a stone. I've up'd my water ingestion so I'm hoping I don't have another. If I get them again, I'll go to the Dr. So far, so good!!! Drink your water everyone!!!!

Hmmmm weather is fluctuating from nasty to beautiful every day, it seems, and it's depressing. I so want it to be nicer out and get out there and enjoy life. The shore house is almost complete. The CO is supposed to come today and then we can move in and start decorating and getting ready for the summer. We have lots of work to do. Will update with pictures if we go this weekend. It's looking really really nice. Oh well, I'm so boring, nothing else doin'. I'll check back in a few, till next time :)

May 16, 2003 - (Friday)
TGIFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!! Sheesh, what a lonnnnnnnnnnnnng week, thank goodness it's over. Just a quick update to say I'm feeling better, eating better, hardly eating bread at all (which is fabu) and I'm just in a better place. I'm going into NYC tomorrow to see Hairspray and I'm so happy about that. We got tickets last September and May seemed oh so long away and it's finally here. They were nominated for lots of Tony's and I've heard it's just a fabulous show...can't wait to see Harvey Fierstein, I love him!! Work this week was so hectic but I loved it. When I'm busy busy busy I feel so involved and productive. When it gets slow I get depressed and worried. I was totally thinking I might need an antidepressant because I was feeling so down. My mood is on an upswing and feeling much better. Believe me, if the blues come back I'll think about DRUGS!!! *lol* I hate being depressed. Oh well, off to bed and then tomorrow the show. Hope all is well with all of you....write me, sign my guestbook, ***hugs*** till next time :)

Post Op Journal,
Life After Year One.....