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�time is out of joint! Oh cursed spite, that ever I was born to set it right��


I�m angry. I�m so angry I�m in pain. I don�t think I�ve ever been this angry in all my life. and this is the reason...

People tend to leave all kinds of things where I work (in a hotel), and among those things are newspapers and magazines. Sometimes I take them home to read, just for fun, but this time I really wish I hadn�t. it was the Sunday post and being a bit of an anglophile I thoght it would be fun. it was a bit old but I told myself there might be something nice in it anyway. how wrong can one be?! At first I just threw it away thinking �forget it, it�s all a load of bollocks�, but two packs of fags, four hours of bottom and a triple dose of cheese noodles later I was still shaking. So, I�m gonna have to get this off my chest or I�ll explode.

Now, the thing that has me this infuriated was a article in the daily mirror, written by brian reade (and I won�t even dignify him with the epithet �sad wanker�, by the way) on, in his opinion, pathetic attempts by anti-euro �bores� to keep people away from it by emlploying bob geldof, jools holland, harry enfield, rik mayall and john sessions to starr�sorry, slip of the mind, star in ads against it, one of which features rik mayall as hitler saying �ein volk. Ein reich. Ein euro�. quote: �these are nearing 50-something has-beens, many of them absent from mainstreem culture since the days we still thought in pounds, shillings and pence.�
First of all, you can shit on ghandi, mother teresa or 9/11. You can shit on god for all I care (there�s no such thing, anyway), but you do NOT and I�ll repeat that�that�you do NOT disrespect rik mayall!!!!! I might have been able to ignore it had it been some bitter spinster purging her her regularly offended soul (well, it is, isn�t it?), but to do so in defense of the FUCKING euro is a mortal sin. Well, would be if there was such a ting. Not that I�d have any trouble fullfilling that prophecy had I the chance. Anyway, it�s just not on!

Secondly, I don�t give a tosser�s wank for �mainstreem culture�. That�s what brainwashers and moneygrabbers feed to brainless sheep on a daily bases and changes every day so that the stupid wretches who get tangled in its slimy web need to buy something new and lots of it every day.
I mean, let�s take a little look at what we�ve got in the name of mainstreem culture these days. There�s britney spears, shakira and various clones � talentless, boring and good for nothing. Except maybe a mediocre wank.
There�s ricky martin, enrique iglesias (as if having one iglesias wasn�t boring enough) and usher � whining little minges so soppy that even the most limp wristed faggots look like clint eastwood by comparison. Talentless, boring and the lyrics so pathetically badly masked chat-ups they might as well just change them to �go on, give us a shag� and be done with it.
there�s n�sync, five, blue, tlc, all saints, sugarbabes (major wank material if you�re a pedophile) and countless other song-groups (they�re not bands. bands play instruments) who recycle every clich� already chewed and spat out by the other twats and minges, and generally degenerate every idea that other song groups did better decades ago. For example the penguins and the drifters in �55, the five saints in �56, the coasters in �57, the shirelles in �60, the miracles, the ronettes and the crystals in �61, the isley brothers in �62, the vandellas in �63, the four tops, the supremes and the shangri-las in �64, the temptations in �65, and so on and so forth.
there�s linkin park, papa roach and various other �metal� bands. neatly pressed, clean shaven (well, they probably haven�t even hit puberty yet), middle class kids whining about how much life sucks and how everybody hates them. Get real, they don�t even deserve to be labelled as rock, much less metal. I�d rather have a good snog with ian kilmister than buy that fucking garbage. Three tubes of hairgel does not make you metal.
there�s eminem, who is about as menacing and threatening as a soggy cream cracker.
There�s trigger happy tv, ali g., jackass and tom green show � mentally challenged retards who fancy themselves to high heaven and half the way back but they just aren�t funny.
And then there�s star wars again (and again), a night�s entertainment for five year olds at best, and tolkien�s been dug up once again which is beyond me cause the hobbit and the lord of the rings are about as much a literary feat as where�s waldo. And let�s not forget dear harry potter, a merchandiser�s wet dream if there ever was one. plus, of course, the usual dribble from hollywood.

Thirdly I�ve never been able to understand the concept of �has-been�. I know that it�s intended to imply that the person in question is not quite the same as before, �somewhat flagging� being the term for their careers in that context. Is anybody ever the same today as they were yesterday? Is there ever a day that passes that you don�t encounter something that changes you? everybody�s getting older every day, and while we ordinary (where I am concerned I apply the term very loosely) people know only the weightlessness of �never will be�, the stars have to carry the burden of time passing them onto that stage of �has been�. Instead of just taking every person as they are, when and where they are, whatever they may be.
And does this mean that all they did before doesn�t matter any more? Am I to forget all the times my days, weeks and months have been saved from listlessness and boredom by the dangerous brothers, the young ones, kevin turvey, the new statesman, bottom, filthy rich & catflap, bring me the head of mavis davis, rik mayall presents (mickey love, dancing queen and briefest encounter), and the comic strip (especially bad news and mr. Jolly lives next door) ? just because mr. Mayall has been �absent from mainstream culture� for some time. I bloody well think not mate. And another thing, how am I ever supposed to have witnessed mr. Mayall in action when he was there? When the young ones came out I was six years old and busy being bored in my first year of school, in a village of 700 people, 750 miles of atlantic ocean away.
But let us succumb to that argument for a moment. Let�s throw away all the old rot, shall we? Forget shakespeare, van gogh, beethoven and oscar wilde. Fuck peter cook, jackson pollock, cole porter and brendan behan. They�re all dead anyway. Who gives a fuck? I�ll tell you who does. I do, and all their other fans. People who have been touched by their work, no matter how many hundereds of years ago they did them. No matter how sorry and saggy-arsed they became. Not because how �trendy� they �used to be�, but because their work speaks to us, hits us in that very special bullseye we have in our hearts and stays there to make us different people today than we were yesterday. At least I can tell you one thing, I identify more with richard richard than I�ll ever do with all that nu-metal whinging.

And the insults don�t stop there. Probably in a feeble attempt to pan this piece of excrement out to the required length, he cooks up �the five tests� to put the �has been�s� through to see if what they say has any relevance.
�1. Do you know anything about economics other than [�] how to scream at your viewers �give us your fucking money!� [�]� (actually it was �f****** money�, those FUCKING asterisks alone being one of those FUCKING things that necessitates the response �don�t FUCKING get me FUCKING started on that FUCKING one, mate�)
well, let me tell you something. If rik mayall came up to me and said �give me your fucking money!� I would. Every last pence. Cause he bloody well deserves it more than I do. I�d rather give it to him than some fucking politicians who�ll spend it on bloodshed, masonic and nepotic bank orgies, and general public buggering. Though I probably couldn�t do it right away cause I�d most likely faint first, wink wink nudge nudge say no more�
�2. Are you british? Or like geldof, did you leave eire � a countrly which is more than happy with the euro � when you were 21?�
what�s that supposed to mean? That because he doesn�t live there any more he doesn�t (shouldn�t?) care? I haven�t lived in my home town for some years now (since I was 21, incidentally). Does that mean that I have no say if some lard-arsed politicians and megalomanical american industry pricks want to stick a bloody factory there (and they do)? Does it mean that I have forgone my right to have an opinion on something that affects the makrokosmos as well as the mikrokosmos? I know that some people leave their birthplaces to be rid of them, but how do you know? And this euro thing is not just about the english.
�3. Are you trendy? Well, the boomtown rats haven�t had a top 10 hit in 22 years [�] and mayall�s last live show was the ultra modern and cutting-edge bottom 4 - an arse oddity.�
(Ooooooooooohhh, sarcasm) I don�t care about top ten hits, and I�ve got every record that the boomtown rats released. On vinyl, no less. I play them often and enjoy it very much. As for bottom 4, I�ve seen it three times now (in the same day actually). Now I don�t know �ultra modern� and �cutting-edge� from my arseckrack but it sure beats prozak. Mind you, if �cutting-edge� is what I think it is there hasn�t been any since monty python. Which is precicely what�s going on, isn�t it? It isn�t that the �has-beens� are weakening, it�s the consumers who are being fooled into believing than any gimp with a �hip� name is �trendy� and thereby debasing cultural values.
�5. Is the video accurate? It�s claim that the euro is a big nazi plot could not be more wrong. Jean-marie le pen, jorg haider and our own bmp are among its biggest opponents.�
Well, now you�re just being silly. Of course it isn�t a nazi plot. When have nazis ever been in favour of union of any kind? The euro is about union, while nazis are, and have always been, about segregation. Sorting out the black sheep, so to speak. So if I�m against union, am I a nazi? Nope, I�m a surreal-minimalistic cynico-nihilist, actually. The thing is that the european union�s only kinship with the concept of �union� is when they ram their megalomanical bloated fist up your arse to rip your brain cord out.
As for the ad itself, you ever heard of symbolism? What we�re talking about here is not that hitler would have liked the euro. He most definitely would not have liked it. I mean, the jews would have used it too wouldn�t they? Also, I would like to hope that people can discern between good and bad themselves instead of being influenced by evil association. No wait, I take that back. They can�t. anyway, what I�m trying to say is that �hitler+likes=bad� equation doesn�t work, simply because it�s stupid to say that a thing is bad just because somebody bad likes it. the reason I decided to do a 180 on my aforementioned hope was that I realized that it�s modern culture is based on a simply lighter shade of that eqation, namely �hip+likes=good�. But that�s not what I see in this piece, i.e. the ad (which by the way I would give at least a half a lung to see), because the whole thing goes so much deeper than that.
What is it that comes to mind when someone mentions hitler? It�s the holocaust, right? Ethnic clensing, prejudice, manipulation and death. Horrifying images, right? Well, I hate to be the one to break the bad news but there is a holocaust going on right now. the reason you don�t notice it is that the perpetrators learned a lesson from hitler, and that was that it doesn�t pay to be honest about your intentions. So instead of marching around with flags and slogans they hide behind the media and the money and conduct their schemes from there. The objective? To erase culture, heritige, languages, nationality, and finally individuality, to make us all nice little puppets that they can play with. I would rather have a kaleidoscopic world with strife, than a placid monochrome one. I would rather live in a dangerous place where I could see different cultures and languages brewing, than a safe place where everybody talks, eats and walks the same.
The clensing that they execute, is the clensing of every drop of critical and individual thought from the public�s already dissolving mind.
The prejudice they have, is against anybody who wants to be different and stick out of the crowd. The ones that don�t look to the media for heroes and idols.
The manipulation they exercise, is the subordination of our minds to believe that everything in their media is good and that we won�t be happy if we don�t buy it.
The death that they want, is the death of our personality, nationality and indeed our humanity, and our subsequent descent into the state of drooling euro-zombies.

And he finishes off with �well, they needn�t have bothered. Because the only thing that will occur to kids when they see this ad at the cinema, is why they didn�t stay in the bar for another bacardi breezer, instead of sitting through a public information film about as relevant to their lives as pathe news telling them how to dismantle an anderson shelter.�
Boy, I must be some kind of a freak. Or maybe my dad is a freak, cause he has very diligently educated me on the dark looming tentacles of the eu, wto, and other fuckwit organizations. If kids today are more interested in what�s to be found behind the bar (and what the fuck is a bacardi breezer anyway?) than what�s going on in the world araound them, it�s no wonder that everything is going to hell. And you might as well give up the fight for any kind of freedom and democracy cause it seems to me that they�ve already reached their goal. Desensitised and money-hungry little brats are gonna rule us wise folk who have a mind of our own, like hitler herded the jews, into a world of monotony and desperate mediocrity.
and yes, I do know what an anderson shelter is. what I don�t get is why they�d have to know how to dismantle them? Don�t you mean construct?
As for the ad itself, that is to say rik mayall as hitler, I don�t think I�ll go into that per se, as this piece would then soon get x-rated ;)
And another thing, there is an ad next to this article about car insurance quotes and a piece of it says �apply by 31st august to receive a free torch with your quote�. If people really fall for this I think I�ll just go top myself (blisters or not, hah!).

And right honorable reade (how�s that for sarcasm, hah!) wasn�t the only one defecating their estimable opinions onto these pages. In another place there was eddy izzard, who I�ve never been able to stomach (and it has nothing to do with the fact that he�s a faggot), is trying his desperate best to be clever: �I�m travelling in spain where everyone�s using the euro. They haven�t all drowned, everyone�s speaking spanish, they haven�t become english, they haven�t become welsh, they haven�t become afghans. They have retained their national character, supported spain in the world cup and have a whale of a time. And they can go to france and spend the euro.�
Well, we weren�t all driving porsches and jaguars, shopping donna karan and eating at macdonalds the week after we scrambled out of the trees, now were we? Such improvident thought always makes me break out in cold sweat. And we�ve been shown the consequences of such shortsightedness over and over and over again through history, but still the morons in charge keep on dropping us in it without so much as considering the aftermath. Why? Cause they�ll be long dead when the coming generations have to start dealing with the degeneration. All they want is a little, hell no, a lot more money in their own pockets to spend on whores and booze before they expire.
Wise up, assholes! It�s NOT a good idea just because it saves you the trouble of buying currency when you go abroad. Where is the fun in that anyway? It might be handy for the porridge-brained tourist sheep who like being herded around, but to me as a traveller and a lover of new experiences it�s nothing to get excited about. There are enough things popping up everywhere to make every place you go look just like every place you�ve ever been, without this crap to add to the disspiriting development.


Postscript:
As I am often a victim of my own curiosity (remember what happened to the cat) I was intreagued to know if brian reade was really such a complete tosser. So I went to mirror.co.uk and browsed through some of his writings. The stupid berk was, for the moment anyway, redeemed from my wanting to castrate him with a corkscrew, but one question came to mind while I was reading, how young are �younger people� in his mind? would I qualify? I�m 25.
The reason I�m asking is both the aforementioned article and a fragment from another piece entitled �book squirms�. It goes �The best laugh of the week has been reading the �astonishingly frank� serialisation of Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan's autobiography. (I deliberately give the surnames because the former-mainstream TV couple are as unfamiliar to younger readers as George and Mildred.)�
I know who richard and judy are and I know who george and mildred are (only one of the most brilliant tv shows ever!), and I�m not even english. So what I�m wondering is, am I old? Or are people my age, assuming that I am �younger people�, really that ignorant of everything that happened earlier than last month? that�s so sad.

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